Celebrations...joy and tears...

March 6, 2011 

Happy Birthday to you...

March 9, 2011

Balloon release at the cemetery for Zac...

I still can't believe my camera broke down the day of Evan's birthday party!!!  Literally two pictures in to the party and then PHOOOT, done!!  And I am broken that I don't have my own photos.

Thank goodness for others who took pictures!!!

Thank you Jeanette for the above birthday pics!!!!!!!

I still have a hard time wrapping my head around how emotional a three day span can be.  A birthday celebration...then a balloon release in memory of Zac.  It just seems so unnatural.  So unfair.

But what a blessing for the love of all who shared both days with us.

Balloon release day was with my sister-in-law, niece, nephew, my mom and of course, Evan!

My nephew wanted to go to the cemetery with me.  I told him the week before that we would go release balloons together.

It still just makes me sit in awe how sensitive this precious 5 year old nephew of mine is.  How in tune he is to the fact that he knows of his cousin Zac, and wants to be a part of remembering him!  This is in huge thanks to my sweet sister-in-law who speaks of Zac often!  She overwhelms my heart with love for the way she continues to include Zac, and speaks of his name.  It means the world to me!

Our balloon release was very sweet.  Evan and I released the first balloon, then we each released balloons.  We just all watched as they lifted in to the sky, and then slowly disappeared.

I had to really swallow back my tears.  I didn't want the kids to see me fall apart.  I saved in for the ride to lunch, when my mom and I both shed silent tears on the way.

The saving grace in helping me not to fall to pieces was falling back in to a snow bank and snow going straight down the back of my pants.  Yaaaa, now THAT will stop tears in a flash as you are both shocked with the cold, and then laughing as you realize you look like you pee'd your pants!  How could I NOT laugh!  Should I maybe thank my son (Zac!) for a gust of wind that shoved me just enough to fall back and lighten the mood?!  hee hee hee.  I choose to believe that!  I believe both my boys would have been mischief! 

Lately I've come to realize something. 

I have always dreaded the thought that Evan will most likely never be acknowledged as a twin by many...even though that is in fact who he is a part of.

I've realized that I AM DOING THAT VERY THING TO MY SON!!

I fear the word "twin".  It breaks my heart to a million pieces.

I turn away when I SEE twins, because my mind refuses not to go to the "that should have been us" place.

My heart aches when I see Evan approach twins...like he somehow feels a pull and connection to the special bond of twins.

I ache when I see Evan with other children knowing he was never meant to be alone.  He has always been a part of a pair, and always grew beside his brother...and he has lived every day outside of me without his brother by his side.

I realize that in my own pain, I am avoiding the fact that Evan IS a twin.  That Zac has and always will be a part of Evan and us.

A few weeks ago Sesame Street did a show honoring the special bond of twins...and I turned the chanel.  I couldn't watch it.  I couldn't hear it.  I couldn't handle the pain in my heart.

Sesame Street is Evan's favorite show. 

I DO have a special book for Evan later when he is older about the loss of a twin.  It's called "Always My Twin".

I feel guilty for avoiding the very situation I don't want inflicted on Evan.  I feel guilty that my own pain is hindering allowing Evan to understand all of him.

And I know it's early, and he doesn't get it.  We speak Zac's name every day...

He will know he is a twin.  I'm sure he will know in his own being.

But at some point I am going to have to move past what I feel in order to celebrate who Evan and Zac are...twin brothers.  And I DO celebrate that!  I really do!!  It's fact!  It's reality!

My sadness isn't about the word twin.  My sadness is in the loss of my son, and the loss of Evan's brother.

Life is confusing.  Emotions are confusion and conflicting.

But one thing will always remain sure...I love my sons with all my heart.

Evan is my life, and Zac will always be a part of my life.

And I am beyond grateful for my children.

Beyond blessed to be a mommy to two such amazing boys!

Beyond blessed to watch Evan growing in leaps and bounds!  He is SUCH a little boy now!!  My baby is growing up...and that is a hard thing to face in a way.  Fun, yet crazy how fast life moves forward!

I am blessed.  I am loved.  And I LOVE deeply.