I am still confident of this:
I will see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living.
Wait for the Lord;
be strong and take heart
and wait for the Lord
Psalm 27: 13-14

Monday, March 28, 2011

Celebrations...joy and tears...

March 6, 2011 
Happy Birthday to you...

March 9, 2011
Balloon release at the cemetery for Zac...

I still can't believe my camera broke down the day of Evan's birthday party!!!  Literally two pictures in to the party and then PHOOOT, done!!  And I am broken that I don't have my own photos.
Thank goodness for others who took pictures!!!
Thank you Jeanette for the above birthday pics!!!!!!!

I still have a hard time wrapping my head around how emotional a three day span can be.  A birthday celebration...then a balloon release in memory of Zac.  It just seems so unnatural.  So unfair.
But what a blessing for the love of all who shared both days with us.

Balloon release day was with my sister-in-law, niece, nephew, my mom and of course, Evan!
My nephew wanted to go to the cemetery with me.  I told him the week before that we would go release balloons together.
It still just makes me sit in awe how sensitive this precious 5 year old nephew of mine is.  How in tune he is to the fact that he knows of his cousin Zac, and wants to be a part of remembering him!  This is in huge thanks to my sweet sister-in-law who speaks of Zac often!  She overwhelms my heart with love for the way she continues to include Zac, and speaks of his name.  It means the world to me!

Our balloon release was very sweet.  Evan and I released the first balloon, then we each released balloons.  We just all watched as they lifted in to the sky, and then slowly disappeared.
I had to really swallow back my tears.  I didn't want the kids to see me fall apart.  I saved in for the ride to lunch, when my mom and I both shed silent tears on the way.
The saving grace in helping me not to fall to pieces was falling back in to a snow bank and snow going straight down the back of my pants.  Yaaaa, now THAT will stop tears in a flash as you are both shocked with the cold, and then laughing as you realize you look like you pee'd your pants!  How could I NOT laugh!  Should I maybe thank my son (Zac!) for a gust of wind that shoved me just enough to fall back and lighten the mood?!  hee hee hee.  I choose to believe that!  I believe both my boys would have been mischief! 

Lately I've come to realize something. 
I have always dreaded the thought that Evan will most likely never be acknowledged as a twin by many...even though that is in fact who he is a part of.
I fear the word "twin".  It breaks my heart to a million pieces.
I turn away when I SEE twins, because my mind refuses not to go to the "that should have been us" place.
My heart aches when I see Evan approach twins...like he somehow feels a pull and connection to the special bond of twins.
I ache when I see Evan with other children knowing he was never meant to be alone.  He has always been a part of a pair, and always grew beside his brother...and he has lived every day outside of me without his brother by his side.
I realize that in my own pain, I am avoiding the fact that Evan IS a twin.  That Zac has and always will be a part of Evan and us.
A few weeks ago Sesame Street did a show honoring the special bond of twins...and I turned the chanel.  I couldn't watch it.  I couldn't hear it.  I couldn't handle the pain in my heart.
Sesame Street is Evan's favorite show. 
I DO have a special book for Evan later when he is older about the loss of a twin.  It's called "Always My Twin".
I feel guilty for avoiding the very situation I don't want inflicted on Evan.  I feel guilty that my own pain is hindering allowing Evan to understand all of him.
And I know it's early, and he doesn't get it.  We speak Zac's name every day...
He will know he is a twin.  I'm sure he will know in his own being.
But at some point I am going to have to move past what I feel in order to celebrate who Evan and Zac are...twin brothers.  And I DO celebrate that!  I really do!!  It's fact!  It's reality!
My sadness isn't about the word twin.  My sadness is in the loss of my son, and the loss of Evan's brother.

Life is confusing.  Emotions are confusion and conflicting.
But one thing will always remain sure...I love my sons with all my heart.
Evan is my life, and Zac will always be a part of my life.
And I am beyond grateful for my children.
Beyond blessed to be a mommy to two such amazing boys!
Beyond blessed to watch Evan growing in leaps and bounds!  He is SUCH a little boy now!!  My baby is growing up...and that is a hard thing to face in a way.  Fun, yet crazy how fast life moves forward!

I am blessed.  I am loved.  And I LOVE deeply.

Monday, March 14, 2011

The cakes...

Just wanted to share the cakes that I made for the boys for their birth days. 
I was devasted that my camera broke 2 pictures in at the party, and I hadn't taken prior pictures of the cakes even though I made them the day before!  So these are from my phone...and not the greatest quality. 
I am waiting to get pictures emailed to me from others at the party who took photos for me.

Evan's was a 9x13 chocolate slab cake and I free-handed the outline of the jersey, stick, puck and 2, and then piped in all the rest.  It was much easier than I thought it would be...and smaller! 

Zac's was a 2 layer vanilla cake with vanilla icing that I tinted sky blue and sprinkled blue sprinkles all over.  I stensiled out the angel wings on fondant and painted on with concentrated blue food coloring.  Then I just wrote on the fondant the bible verse...with a Sharpie pen!!  hee hee hee. 

I had such a wonderful time focusing on BOTH cakes, and having both cakes there to honor both our sons!

I hope to get some pictures of Evan on his birthday to share.  I am still so broken that I have none on my own camera!  ME, the picture queen!!  Seriously heart breaking!

Well, on the weekend we made a spontaneous trip out to visit some friends.  We got there LATE and Evan had hardly slept in the truck.  Part way there I started to feel stuffed up, and by the time we woke in the morning both Evan and I were hammered with colds!  :(  I haven't had one in a looooong time.  And this is officially Evan's second cold in 2 years (so I guess we are doing "good" in that department).
He was down for a nap but woke in hysterics.  I'm guessing his nose got too plugged.  And he wouldn't go back to sleep on his bed.  He is now crashed beside me on the couch all snuggled up.  I just keep looking over at him and smiling and my heart swells up with love. 

Anyhow, there are the cakes!

Wednesday, March 9, 2011

2 year milestones...celebrations and good byes...

March 6, 2009...our precious little boys entered this world, albeit far too soon.

March 6, 2011...we celebrated Evan's 2nd birthday with friends and family.  What a joyful day it was to watch him!  The morning began with Brett, Evan and I going to the cemetery to bring Zac a balloon, and to say Happy Birthday and blow some kisses to our angel.
The day before, special friends came to spend the night with us, and how wonderful to have them stay!!  Evan's and his NICU sweetie had fun playing...and how precious to watch these two knowing how far they have come!!
The day of the party the house was filled with laughter and food and fun.  Evan was WAY over stimulated and off the walls with sugar by the end of the night.

I made two cakes this year.  One specially for Evan...a hockey jersey with a hockey stick and puck with "2" in the center of it all.  And one specially for Zac...decorated in blue icing for the sky and then angel wings and halo around a heart made out of fondant, and below fondant with the scripture used on Zac's grave plaque "I thank my God every time I remember you.  Phil 1:3"
How wonderful it felt to have cakes for BOTH my sons!!!!  It meant so much to me to make those cakes, and to celebrate both our sons!

Now, March 9, 2009...that morning we spent our first time holding our sweet Zac...also preparing for his final breath.  That moment came as I held him skin to skin on my chest...and I knew he had left us from this earth.  How does a parent ever come to terms with a moment like that?  Yes, I know I have the promise of heaven...but it does not make the emotions on earth less painful.  It hurts.  It always will.

March 9, 2011...this morning Evan and I went out to the cemetery with my mom, sister-in-law, nephew and niece.  We each released a balloon to the sky for Zac.  It took everything in me not to break down in front of the kids...but I didn't want them to see that.  I have saved it for private moments like now, while I am alone.

Who knew that three days could hold such emotion of such joy and such sorrow.

We celebrate our sons!  They are both heros in our eyes. 
And both have celebrated birth days in unique ways.

My heart overflows with love for our sons, and for all our children in heaven.  I miss them all...but we will be together again.

"God be with you till we meet again..."