I am still confident of this:
I will see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living.
Wait for the Lord;
be strong and take heart
and wait for the Lord
Psalm 27: 13-14

Wednesday, July 27, 2011

Stop waiting...Start living

This has been weighing on me heavily for the past few days.  When does a person stop living in the "what ifs" and "hope for's", and starts LIVING for TODAY?
When you have such dreams and hopes...but they just seem to want to stay that way...how do you just come to terms with the fact they may always be just that...hopes and dreams?

And it's GOOD to have hopes and dreams.  It drives a person and gives us goals.  We NEED hope.  We NEED dreams.

But when do they become more of a distraction to the "weighing down" then they do a positive driving force?

Maybe when it becomes all we think about.

For me...it is the desire to "give" Evan a living sibling.  It is our 11 year journey to achieve a "family".  (I quote that, because regardless of a child or not...Brett and I have ALWAYS been a family together!)

I have not shared about our recent "loss", but we did go through another embryo transfer...that did not result in a pregnancy.  And that was a painful loss for me.  Even though I knew the reality.  We have chosen ONLY single embryo transfers as none of us (my fertility doctor, my husband, ME) want to see me go through a third multiple pregnancy.  There are too many risks for me and obviously my body can't handle that.
I know doing a single transfer lessens the success rates for pregnancy...but it ALMOST eliminates the chance of multiples.  Keep in mind...our first pregnancy resulted in an identical twin pregnancy from one embryo splitting.  I was in the 1% risk bracket of that occuring. 

Anyhow...I don't know when we will try again.  We still have 4 embryos and 1 blastocyte remaining "frozen in time".  Obviously we WILL try again...these are our little ones, and of course we will not leave them behind.  But the "when" is another thing.

My big thing right now is wanting to just LIVE for TODAY, and to stop wondering what MIGHT happen tomorrow/in the future.  And it's hard to do. 

I have a good life.  One with some deep scars and wounds...but a good and blessed life.  I want to enjoy each day as they happen.  I love to swallow Evan up in love and joy and laughter and all my focus on him.  And he deserves every second of it.  We are so blessed by the gift of his miraculous life.  But I guess there is always that ache of him not having his twin brother growing up beside him.  And I know no other child will replace Zac...but honestly...I do still pray for a sibling for Evan, and another child to bless our family.
But regardless...we ARE blessed. 

So I guess whatever it is that may have each of us "waiting"...I pray that each of us finds the joy in TODAY and lives for that moment.  Life is so short. 

I like this following bible verse.  It was on a card that was given to Evan at his baby shower and I cut it out and have kept it visible for me to see as a reminder to me, to Evan, to my hubby...to all of you...

"May He be gracious to you, show you His favor, and give you His peace." - Numbers 6:15-16

Blessings to you all!!

Wednesday, July 13, 2011

Remembering my twin sisters today...

Before my mom had me...she had twin daughters.  Although she never knew she was carrying twins until they were born...at about 6 months gestation.  Around the gestational age of when Zac and Evan were born.

I knew about my twin sisters...but of course after losing our first twins and triplet, and then losing Zac...I "got" it.  I really got it.
A common ground I'm sure my mom never wished I understood.

And I would see how my mom would get a far away look in her eyes when she'd see twin girls...but now I really really get it.  How can you never wonder the "what if".  How would they have looked?  Whose nose and mouth would they have had?  What would their personalities been like?  The list goes on and on.

I understand that look...because now when I am faced with a set of twins in front of me...I freeze.  I literally freeze inside and my look goes straight to the ground.  Not that I don't think that these parents are so truly blessed, and that these kids are true miracles...but because my heart just is not ready.  The ache for all of my heavenly children is too great.  And I have many "what if" and wondering moments in my own day to be faced with seeing twins getting to grow up together.  Oh how lucky and blessed these families are!  How lucky these children are to grow up knowing their other "part".

I get this odd comfort though.  Knowing that my sisters are caring for all my children in heaven.  That they are all together in heaven.  I only got to know Zac for the short time I carried him, and then the short days we were blessed with on earth...but I pray that he remembers hearing my voice and seeing my face...and I pray that he is able to share with his siblings and his aunts about me, and about Evan and about Brett. 

My heart hurts for my mom today...because even after all these years...I now truly get it.  Years do not erase the sadness of missing your child/children.  Time does not take away pain.  It only allows you to breathe a bit better day after day.

I've never forgotten about my sisters.  I'll never stop aching for my own heavenly children.
Yes, both my mom and I have been blessed with living children...but I know our heavenly children hold special places in our hearts.  And I know that they are never forgotten...even when we might feel like their memories are slipping away from others.  They are forever in our hearts.

So today I am sending kisses to heaven for my twin sisters...Catherine and Michelle.

I love you dearly.  I look forward to meeting you.  And for now...keep caring for my little ones!


Tuesday, July 12, 2011

Been a while...

I'm finding it hard to update my blog these days. 
Partly because Evan and I are having SO MUCH FUN outdoors that I'm rarely around my computer anymore!
Partly because this current season of my life I have decided to be more private and careful with (no...no "news" to report! :))
Partly because I often wonder if this blog holds the same impact it once did.
Partly because by the time I have a chance to sit down to update...Evan either wakes from his nap or I am too beat at the end of the night and just want to hang out with Brett!

Sooooo...I'm taking this moment to say hello and update.

Evan is doing amazing as always.  He has now been exposed to bouncy castles and slides...and climbs the inflatable ladder like he was born to do it!  I only helped him twice, and then he was OFF!!  And the ladder is about 10-11 feet high!  Thank goodness it's all inflated...but still...he has to be aware of what he is doing because falling backwards would not be fun! 
He went to his big cousins 6th birthday and that is where it was held.  The older kids in the group were awesome with Evan, but Evan stuck with his younger cousin (4) and her friend.

He rides his tricycle and peddles like a crazy man!  He has some leg muscle to be envied by his mommy!  And now going around the block is much quicker!!  He has mastered his 2-wheel gliding bike, and rides it constantly rain or shine.  When the rain hits...my truck gets moved out from the garage and he takes over!  He has also newly acquired a plasma car.  It's hilarious!  When I would go get my coffee at the Starbucks at Indigo, Evan knew just where to go!  The kid section in the bookstore to play with the train set and ride this plasma car.  I finally took Brett along one night so he could see it too...and guess what daddy bought for Evan!  :) 
Evan adores drawing and playing playdough.  He LOVES hanging out at the water park.  He has a blast at Kinsmen Park on the train, although I can only stomach ONE ride on the merry-go-round.  His auntie had to take him the second time around yesterday!  I DO NOT STOMACH ROUND RIDES!!  When I was on with Evan I said "mommy's about to toss her cookies!" and instantly he looked at me and said "but I WANT cookies!!"  It was so funny!!

Evan missed a couple naps in the last few days, along with added late nights those same days...so today is catch up.  It's not so bad for me since the sun is hiding and it's overcast...so I'm not obsessed with getting outside and soaking up every naptime ray of sun!  Instead I had a good workout on the treadmill and bike...and now this update.
Evan is NOT ready to drop his final afternoon nap!  And neither am I! :)  He is just still too little for that.

He is growing like a weed, and talking up a storm.  He loves to sing too.  The other day I listened to him around the corner while he was singing...and he sang the whole song of "Jesus Loves Me"...and didn't miss a word!  My heart just melted!!

Last week we basically LIVED at the spray park because the weather was IIIIIINCREDIBLE!!  I loved it! 

What I am not loving these days are the trades guys still around our house working on the houses next to us.  They are forever parking in front of my drive way (and I sit there and honk my horn until someone shows up...and then I tell them never to do it again or I'll have them towed.  SO annoying!!), walking across my driveway from one house to the other (which makes my dogs super angry...so maybe I'll just "accidentally" let my dogs out the front door!!).  Top that all off with the area behind us now being developed...so my house literally shakes as the dump trucks, packers and bulldozers pack and level the earth behind us. 
My allergies and asthma have been AWFUL with all the dust and dirt.
OH WELL, such is life!!  It will get finished and one day I will have some peace!! :)

Personally...I've been struggling for a while with some nasty attacks from the enemy.  I mentioned reading Psalm 91, and how incredible it was and really strengthening.  Well, with that comes attacks from the enemy where he sees weakness.  And he saw a weakness in me and went for it full force.
As I read the testimonies of the book (which makes up half the book) I started to find myself feeling frustrated and disappointed.  Feeling like my faith is not nearly enough for miracles to happen.  Like I'm not worthy of answers like these people were.  Answers of healing, safety, protection...so many amazing stories!
Don't get me wrong...I wasn't "jealous" or anything like that...it just really made me start to wonder "if I had had enough faith, and if I hadn't listened to the doctors and if we had just claimed healing and deliverance...then Zac would be here.  We wouldn't have had to say goodbye if my faith had only been stronger".

It was a really rough few days for me.

Not like every day isn't rough.  It's always there.  But for the most part I have come to realize I HAVE to find some sort of "peace" and self forgiveness.  Even though circumstances were far beyond what we could control...there is always that feeling of guilt.  And will always always be that place of sorrow.

I live each day for Evan.  He is such an incredible little boy!  Watching him is life lessons to me, and relearning things I have forgotten.  It is up to me to set an example of how to deal with disappointment and loss and sadness.  It is up to me to set the example of patience and love and care and kindness.  It is up to me to show him how to be gentle and respectful.
It is up to me to teach him about God...and show him the ways God wants him to grow in.

It's a big responsibility...and in that responsibility comes a lot of self reflection and self teaching...and searching and relying on God for the answers and the direction.

Another big day is tomorrow.  Tomorrow is the birth day of my twin sisters...Catherine and Michelle.
I know I will meet them one day.  I know now they get the honor of caring for ALL of my children in heaven...and for that I love them even more.
I will remember them as I do daily.  I will send kisses to heaven to them tomorrow and sing happy birthday.
Never are they forgotten...and never did I think I'd ever come to know the full pain of loss my mom has experienced these years until I lost my first twins and then Zac.
Send prayers of comfort for my mom and dad tomorrow!

Kisses to my angels in heaven...and to my sisters.

 Drivin' thru the dirt with the tricycle!
 My biking boy wonder!
 Newest mode of transportation...the plasma car!
 A little football in the park!  Yes, we have a sports fanatic!
Fun in the sun at the spray park!

And giggles and kisses with my angel here on earth!!