This has been weighing on me heavily for the past few days. When does a person stop living in the "what ifs" and "hope for's", and starts LIVING for TODAY?
When you have such dreams and hopes...but they just seem to want to stay that way...how do you just come to terms with the fact they may always be just that...hopes and dreams?
And it's GOOD to have hopes and dreams. It drives a person and gives us goals. We NEED hope. We NEED dreams.
But when do they become more of a distraction to the "weighing down" then they do a positive driving force?
Maybe when it becomes all we think about.
For me...it is the desire to "give" Evan a living sibling. It is our 11 year journey to achieve a "family". (I quote that, because regardless of a child or not...Brett and I have ALWAYS been a family together!)
I have not shared about our recent "loss", but we did go through another embryo transfer...that did not result in a pregnancy. And that was a painful loss for me. Even though I knew the reality. We have chosen ONLY single embryo transfers as none of us (my fertility doctor, my husband, ME) want to see me go through a third multiple pregnancy. There are too many risks for me and obviously my body can't handle that.
I know doing a single transfer lessens the success rates for pregnancy...but it ALMOST eliminates the chance of multiples. Keep in mind...our first pregnancy resulted in an identical twin pregnancy from one embryo splitting. I was in the 1% risk bracket of that occuring.
Anyhow...I don't know when we will try again. We still have 4 embryos and 1 blastocyte remaining "frozen in time". Obviously we WILL try again...these are our little ones, and of course we will not leave them behind. But the "when" is another thing.
My big thing right now is wanting to just LIVE for TODAY, and to stop wondering what MIGHT happen tomorrow/in the future. And it's hard to do.
I have a good life. One with some deep scars and wounds...but a good and blessed life. I want to enjoy each day as they happen. I love to swallow Evan up in love and joy and laughter and all my focus on him. And he deserves every second of it. We are so blessed by the gift of his miraculous life. But I guess there is always that ache of him not having his twin brother growing up beside him. And I know no other child will replace Zac...but honestly...I do still pray for a sibling for Evan, and another child to bless our family.
But regardless...we ARE blessed.
So I guess whatever it is that may have each of us "waiting"...I pray that each of us finds the joy in TODAY and lives for that moment. Life is so short.
I like this following bible verse. It was on a card that was given to Evan at his baby shower and I cut it out and have kept it visible for me to see as a reminder to me, to Evan, to my hubby...to all of you...
"May He be gracious to you, show you His favor, and give you His peace." - Numbers 6:15-16
Blessings to you all!!