December 6, 2007
Loved, cherished, remembered always...
How can five years pass so fast?!
It goes so fast.
And yet...it's as clear today as it was that awful day when we were told your little hearts had stopped beating.
The pain "changes".
Time does "heal" in a way.
Life finds laughter and joy and hope again.
Then...more loss, and the confusion starts all over again.
Though my pain has found it's "normal" with missing my sweet Jadon, Ethan and Jack, it doesn't change the very real fact that my heart still aches for our first miracles lost on this earth.
It is hard to fathom that heaven holds 5 of our 6 precious babies.
It is hard to "accept" that these little lives live only through our hearts and memories.
It is hard to wait for the day that I will finally meet these precious angels.
I got to know Zac for the 28 weeks I carried him and Evan.
I got to see his precious eyes look for us as he heard our voices.
I got to hold him as his heart slowly stopped beating and he entered heavens gates.
He knew my voice.
He knew my touch.
He felt my love.
I wonder if Jadon, Ethan, Jack and now most recently our sweet Faith knew how very much I loved and wanted them.
How very much they were, and are, cherished by their mommy and daddy.
I wonder if they could feel my love inside of me, and hear my heart.
Things I can only wonder until one day I can ask them.
Though our time together was not nearly long enough...I cherish the time I had with each of our babies.
And though Evan is too young to truly understand that he is a brother in many ways, one day he will. And I pray that one day he will realize how valuable life is...the very second it is conceived. I know he will know that. Because we know it. We believe it. We live it.
He will know what a special brother he is.
A little brother to Jadon, Ethan and Jack.
A twin brother to Zac.
And now a big brother to Faith.
It isn't the way I hoped he would be a brother.
I wished he would have known the joy of a living sibling...squabbles and all.
I dreamed and prayed for the day he would have a sibling to watch over.
I don't know if that dream will ever become a reality.
In the depths of my heart I feel that prayer is being shut.
One can still hope...but when hope seems so lost, how do you keep on?
But for Evan's sake...and ours...I still whisper a silent cry that God would possibly consider blessing us just one more time with a LIVING child once again.
But if that is not His plan...I pray that He will bring very special friends and people in to Evan's life.
That his life will be filled with positive influences, incredible friendships, laughter, love, and one day a precious family of his own.
Time goes so fast.
It's hard when memories are so clear in your own mind, but you feel sad that they may be forgotten by others.
Though I suppose that is the way it goes sometimes.
But my memories will never fade.
My children will always be a part of me.
They were part of my body, even for short times. But we shared this body.
And they will forever share my heart.
Remembering many who hurt from the loss of a loved one this season.
Praying God's tender touch on all of our lives as we struggle to rejoice in the meaning of this season while we ache for the ones we can no longer hold, touch or see.
But memories can never be stolen.
Moments can never be taken away.
Praying God's peace and presence and blessing on us all!