Our baby is gone...

 

FAITH

meaning "Belief in God and acceptance of God's Will"

 

October 17/12 - Nov 28/12

 

8 weeks was not long enough.

 

 

October 17, 2012...transfer day!  We went through our third FET with nothing but prayers for a miracle.  I will still dealing with lining issues, and this transfer still had me at the "less than optimal" range for success.

 

October 30, 2012...test day.

 

October 31, 2012 at 12:31am...I began to bleed and cramp heavily.  Yet, later that day I received a call that should have brought such amazing joy and tears of laughter...but brought confusion and fear and many tears.  I thought that our trasnsfer had not worked because of what was happening in my body.

And for the next 7 days we kept going for blood tests only to hear numbers were still rising very well.  I was not miscarrying.

BUT, the question/concern of an ectopic pregnancy arose.  So I was sent for an early ultra sound to rule out the baby in my tube.

Yes, even with IVF and FETs...ectopic pregnancies can and do occur.

 

At the ultra sound we were relieved to hear baby was not in my tubes, but the radiologist crushed us with news that it seemed my baby "was on the way out" as he so chose to phrase things.  Yet there was a "but".  BUT, IF the pregnancy continued, it would likely be dangerous to my health because of where it seemed the baby had implanted.

 

I was told to "wait it out" and repeat the ultra sound in 2 weeks.

 

For the first time I felt abandoned by my doctor.  (No, not my fertility doctor).

No mention of seeing me (we had only spoken on the phone since my positive result and then when she repeated what the radiologist had told us), no checking in on me in that 2 weeks.

 

Fortunately, my precious OG/GYN who cared for me with my previous high-risk pregnancies agreed to take me back on.  The receptionist was FLOORED that my doctor had not yet seen me and felt awful for me that I was left to feel written off (my words to her about what I was feeling).

 

Prayers began.  Many many prayers of family and prayer groups.  Feelings that baby and I had been healed and that we would see this pregnancy to its full term and we would greet our baby in July.

My due date was July 6, 2013. 

July 6th is also the birthdays of 2 of my nephews.  No, not twins.  One is one brothers, the other is my other brothers.  Just coincidence.

And I felt is so ironic that here my baby's due date was July 6th.  I figured surely nothing would go wrong, because how could I be asked to face every July 6th celebrating without our baby?

 

A week of no bleeding, and then on a Monday...bleeding.  SO, my OB's office got me in within the hour.

At that appointment I was checked over.  Things were seemingly ok.  We had an ultra sound...and we saw the gestational sac, yolk, fetal pole...and our precious baby's heart beat.  Flickering away right there in front of our eyes.  Beating.  Living.  Alive inside of me.

The biggest miracle...NO mention of the baby implanting anywhere "dangerous" for my health!  (This was a true answer to prayer this specific point!)

 

I was scheduled to return for another follow up ultra sound a week and a half later just to check baby's growth and have some more peace of mind.

And during that time I had no bleeding, cramping.  Nothing negative.

I continued to feel horribly nauseous and tired.

The precious feelings of pregnancy.

 

The day of my ultra sound I had the flashback of our ultrasound with our first twins. 

Things had been seemingly well, and at our 12 week ultrasound we were crushed hearing both babies had died.  I literally had no idea.  I had no symptoms that I had lost the babies.  We were side-swiped.  Stunned.  No reason.  Just "bad luck".

I saw that day flashing in front of me as we drove to the appointment.

My mom and Evan had come with me as Brett had been out of town for work.

I had hoped we were going to be able to record baby's flickering heart again for Brett to see, and to soon share with Evan that he was FINALLY going to be a big brother. 

 

The OB started the ultra sound. 

I knew. 

Instantly I knew.

 

She put her hand on my knee and said "Heather, I'm sorry, it's not good..."

 

Flashback.

8 days earlier from the day Brett and I were told the same thing with Ethan and Jack almost 5 years ago..."I'm so sorry"

 

Everything stopped. 

I began to cry.

My mom began to weep.

And Evan came to me and said "mommy, why are you sad?"

 

And instantly I had to kick in to "fight" mode.  I couldn't let my son see me like this.  Not the way I wanted to truly fall apart in that awful moment.

 

I told him "mommy had hoped to tell you something exciting, but I can't any more, and I'm sorry."

 

I asked the OB over and over and over..."are you SURE there is no heart beat?  Are you SURE?"

And 4 or more times she assured me that no, there was no more beating heart, and no growth since the previous ultra sound. 

I guess what totally made me realize this wasn't some awful mistake was when she said to me "I can hardly see the fetal pole anymore either"

 

There we had it.  The miracle we had been expecting, trusting, believing...was done.

There was nothing more to do...but grieve.

 

My mom, Evan and I walked through the OB's office with pregnant bellies in my face everywhere.  I'm sure women were understanding as they saw my swollen red face and tears rolling down my cheeks.

Oh how lucky each one of those women were. 

That was going to be me shortly. 

My belly was going to start popping out.

It should have been me.

And now, it's not.  Once again, for a 5th loss...it's not me.

And I don't know if it ever will.

 

November 29, 2012...facing the City Hospital once again.  Not to deliver a living baby, but to have the remains of my baby and tissue surgically removed from my body.

Again I relived my first loss.

And for a second time seeing on admitting papers "missed abortion".

Seriously????

Can a more degrading and brutally cruel word be used??  Abortion?

I hate, hate, hate, hate that term for a case like many women in my position and situation.

Could they not call it what it IS?  In a KIND and HUMANE way??

A MISCARRIAGE. 

I had a missed miscarriage.

Or even more true to the fact...my BABY DIED!

 

The only "blessing" in that day was as my mom and I were sitting in my hospital room with a nurse taking all my information, the OB preforming my "procedure" walked in and my mom burst in to tears.  And instantly so did...because I knew...my mom knew this person.

It turned out to be a woman from our church, who my parents know.

 

My angel arrived in that day.

 

She and each of the OR staff in that room were my angels.  A nurse who had walked me to the OR from the OR waiting room asked about my past, and I shared with her our losses, what happened with Evan and Zac, and Zac's passing.

When we got in the room she said "this poor girl has been through a lot.  We need to really take care of her."

 

I went to sleep, and woke up empty.  Literally empty.  Any remaining hope of our baby was gone.  My belly was empty.  And I felt like another part of my heart died.

 

On Tuesday our baby's remains will be picked up by one of the funeral homes in the city, cremated and provided a dignified resting place at one of the cemeteries in the city.  I just wish it could be the same cemetery as Zac so I could visit them together.

But...I am grateful for what this funeral home does. 

It is the only thing I can do to dignify my baby's short life.

 

Before I even knew my pregnancy blood test was positive...I just knew if I was pregnant we were having a girl.

The second I heard I was pregnant...I knew she was our daughter even more than ever.

I don't doubt it for one little moment...she was, and will always be, our daughter.

Others shared that they felt the same...a girl.

My daughter is now in heaven with our 4 other children.

In my first pregnancy at our 6 week u/s we saw our identical twins heart beats. We also saw a second gestational sac, a singleton triplet, but sadly had lost this little one very early on.

When we learned our babies had died at our 12 week ultrasound, we named them Jack and Ethan.

Jack - "God is gracious"

Ethan - "Strong, firm, determined"

For the longest time I had not named our third singleton triplet. Because in reality...that is who this little one was/is. A triplet. But because people don't generally recognize a "blighted ovum" as what it truly is...a lost child, I never really brought light to this life. And I have felt ashamed by that.

And for a while I decided to name this little one "Whisper", because this precious one was gone before I knew he/she was even with us.

When we got pregnant with ^Zac^ and Evan, and when we found out they were for sure boys, Brett and I chose two names, again for the meanings.

Zac - Remembered by God

Evan - God is gracious

I didn't know who would be who, until our lives turned upside down with the complications of Zac and PROM. And when we designated the names to the boys, I never imagined Zac's name would hold such painful meaning. That God remembered him, but that we would never be bringing him home with his twin brother from the hospital. That 3 days would be all that we would have. And that Zac would leave this earth in my arms.

In all the time I felt this baby we were currently pregnant with was going to be a girl, I hadn't started thinking of names for her. I truly believed I would have had time to find the right, strong name for her as we grew together and I started to learn her personality growing inside of me.

Today I sat down and searched out biblical female names and meanings. I never thought it would be to name another baby in heaven.

Brett and I have chosen to name her "Faith". Again...it is because of the meaning, not necesarily the name itself.

The meaning recorded for this name on this website is:

FAITH - "belief in God and acceptance of God's Will"

We chose this name because we choose to NOT let the devil tear us down from our faith in God through the loss of our daughter Faith.

I also chose this name because it has given me a challenge - To accept God's Will.

I am struggling HARD with this. I can't understand why it was God's will to allow us this precious angel only to ask for her back home with him. For a FIFTH time we have been asked to accept that God called his child home before we would ever know her. And I'm struggling.

I need this challenge. So I find naming our daughter Faith very fitting. Because I want her to know though I am broken from losing a future with her here on earth, I will cling to the fact that we will be together one day for eternity, so I must allow my heart over time to accept God's Will. 

Before I sat down at my computer to search names I also told Brett how much I hated the fact that I nicknamed our triplet "Whisper". I was actually feeling mad at myself that I hadn't chosen an appropriate name when we first learned we lost this little one.

Now, because this was a singleton triplet, and because I didn't have a strong feeling about what sex that baby might be, I decided we needed to dignify our child with a gender neutral, biblical name.

We have replaced the nickname "whisper", and have named our child Jadon, which means Thankful. Because even though I never saw this sweet one inside of that sac...I am still forever grateful and thankful for our baby's life.

We have officially named our final 2 of our 6 childrens names.

Jadon and Faith...I know you are loved by your brothers in heaven...but know that I will always always always hold you close in my heart. You are forever a part of our family, and I love each and every one of our heavenly angels.

 

It feels good to know that all of our children have their appointed names. Though I would give anything to be saying each of their names here in my home every day while they raced around and laughed and played together.

 

 

I am struggling.  I wouldn't be human if I wasn't.

But once again to have lost a child during the Christmas season while we celebrate the miraculous conception and birth of Christ...it's hard to understand why we didn't get our miracle fulfilled.

 

Is it wrong to want to love another child?

Is it wrong to want Evan to have a sibling?

 

No.

 

I don't blame God.

I don't understand...at ALL.  But I don't blame Him.

I'm confused.  I'm sad.  I'm angry.  I'm hurt.  I'm broken.  And I ache all over again.

We have 5 babies in heaven.

Sure, one day we will have a full home.  But we just wanted to love our children here, together, on earth.

 

 

During this season...please, remember those who are dealing with pain in their lives. 

And pain does not mean that people are "dwelling on negative and should just be more positive and place their thoughts on positive thoughts and they wouldn't be consumed with pain". 

I hate that saying.  I saw that on a post once and I wanted to just throw my computer out, or find the creator of this saying and just scream at them.

No, those of us who are faced with grief, sorrow, loss, pain...it is not that we are dwelling on negative.

We are being forced to live in reality and figure out how to stay above water.

We fight to find a way back.

We fight to find hope again.

 

Be kind to those around you.

 

Those who are able to conceive and give birth...be oh so grateful.

I know you are...but I don't think most realize the depth of their fortune.

If you are pregnant...do NOT complain around other women.  You have no idea which of those women would give ANYTHING to experience what you are.

Do not take a second for granted and want to wish away time because you are uncomfortable.

Be thankful your baby is growing healthy and safe within you.

Don't wish away a day.

 

Yes, I know there are many who are thinking "you have Evan, you should be thankful".

#1 - why do people feel the need to remind me of what a miracle Evan is?  Do they not think I don't see that EVERY. SINGLE. DAY?  Do they not think I don't remember each of those 5 weeks in the hospital begging and pleading not to go in to labour because BOTH of my sons could have died?  Do they not think that I didn't fear for Evan's life each of his 66 days in NICU...and every day after he came home?  Do they not think that I don't see my miracle every waking moment?

#2 - who would ever question the depth of my gratitude and thankfulness for Evan?  I truly can't even imagine a person actually feeling the need to comment how thankful I should be.  Because that comment just shouldn't even be coming out of anyones mouth.  Really.

 

Evan is my heart, my joy, my breath, my laughter, my light...my hope.

 

If we are never blessed with another child...yes, that will hurt.  Because we just want to grow our family and add to our love and laughter.  And we want Evan to have a sibling.

But if that is not God's plan...it doesn't mean I won't love Evan any less, or feel our lives are not complete.

Another child would ADD to our family.  Not define it.

Another child would be precious.  But if we are being told "no"...then our family is as it is written out by God.

I wouldn't love Evan less or more if we had another child.

 

My heart aches because we DID have another child.  And we lost her.

And that hurts.

She wasn't a dream.  She wasn't imaginary.

She was real.  She was wanted.  She was...IS cherished.  She will always be a part of our family.

My one and only ultra sound picture of her with her beating heart will also be on our family wall. 

Because she is our child.

 

Our journey to have a family has been wrought with sorrow and joy.  A roller coaster of bitter-sweet.

Of hope, and hopes lost.

Of dreams, and dreams lost.

Of life, and of loss.

 

Jadon, Ethan, Jack, Zac and Faith...you are ALWAYS with us.

We will not hide your names. 

We will not pretend you never existed just because someone may feel uncomfortable if after asking if Evan is our only child and I say, "no, he is our 5th of 6.  A surviving twin, and our only living child".

If people feel they can ask about the number of children we have, then they better be willing to accept the reality of my answer.

Not because I want pity.  Good grief, pity is not for me.

Not because I want to make anyone uncomfortable, but because each of you ARE our children, and this is our family.

You are loved.  You are cherished.  You were wanted.

You are our precious children, our family.

 

To each of my children...all six of you...

Mommy loves you always!

And I am proud, and honored that I got to carry each one of you within me for whatever the days God allowed.



Beyond measure...

These past weeks have stretched and tested my faith beyond measure.  In a way I wish it hadn't.  I find myself on a yo-yo string.  I find my faith pulled in every which direction.  My heart has been on a constant up and down.

We sing songs about praising God through ALL things.  Rejoicing in good and bad.

Through tears, through laughter.

I won't lie...praising and rejoicing have been hard right now.  When the rough moments hit...how does one TRULY rejoice through the struggle?  How does one continue to come humbly before God with a grateful heart? 

When all a person wants to do is fall apart.

 

And why is it just SO easy to fall for the whispers of lies from the enemy?  Why is it so easy to focus on the negative of "what if".  Instead of choosing to believe that God may have a positive through the storm.

 

I know why. 

For me, it is because when your past is jadded with loss and sorrow, when you feel prayers have gone unanswered so many times, when you have lost 4 children, one of which you have buried after so many stood firm that he would survive and be ok...it's hard not to feel jadded.  Guarded.  To have a lock on the heart of hope.

 

Yet, there is a fight within to remain faithful even through the tests and trials through life.  To remember that God does not want pain or sorrow, but even when those moments come...He will never leave us. 

We may never understand the "why" of disappointment and loss.  Not on this earth. 

And it's not as though it just disappears and all is better.

 

Not at all.

 

But if I am so eager to praise and thank God when times are good...then I must be equally eager to praise and thank God through the storms.  No matter HOW much I don't want to.  No matter how much I want to just recoil and pull away.  No matter how hard it is to fight for what is right...leaning on God.

 

We all know it.  We are not promised an easy life.  We are not promised a pain-free life.  We are not promised that we will get every prayer answered the way we want.

But I've really been learning something.

 

This world is not our end.  It REALLY is NOT our end.  We don't lose! 

With God in our lives, through His salvation...we will never lose.

 

It doesn't mean we won't hurt.  It doesn't mean we will go unmarked from loss and pain.

 

But our pain lasts only this lifetime.  Our pain is for this moment.

And even in pain...we find joy.  True joy.  Laughter.  Love.

Our pain does not have to define us.  Our scars do not have to mean we have been beaten down and are defeated.  No, they show that we fought, we hurt...but we have risen.

We relearn life.  We re-prioritize.  We remember what truly matters.

When we choose to fight for life.  And not be taken down by defeat and disappointment.

 

The enemy will always use disappointment and pain and suffering to try to weaken us and make us doubt and question and shut ourselves off from our God.  And it is like any other relationship where we have to fight to overcome those valleys. 

 

My worries are not yet over.  But every day I remind myself that God is walking right beside me.  And if I fall from weariness or stumble through tears...He is there to guide and catch me.  He will not leave me alone.

 

I hold to faith.  I hold to hope.  I hold to the goodness of God.

Though in honesty it may be while I'm holding on to the very end of a silk string...but I'm holding on.

And through uncertain times...I will come to Him humbly, making my requests and pleas known to Him.  I will come to Him with a thankful heart.  I will come to Him in obedience, and because without Him...I just can't make it through.

I continue to pray His blessing and favour on me. 

 

But through not only the good times, but also the rough times...I will remember that He is my Father who loves, not hurts me.  That He will never abandon me.  That His love will remain true.  And His hand will always be on me.

 

No matter how hard I have to bring myself to remember these things...I will not let the enemy win.

My heart...

Whenever I see rays shining all around Evan...I can't help but believe Zac is all around him!

Fun in the sun...and leaves

How high can I throw!

My heart and soul!

This little boy is my everything.  He brings so much laughter, love and joy to my heart.  LOOK AT HIM!!!  Who wouldn't feel so very blessed. 

 

No matter the heart ache along the way, I am in love.

 

No matter how much I wish Zac, Ethan, Jack and Whisper were here in these pictures...I picture them with us every day.  They are forever with me, and with us.  And one day...we WILL all be together.

 

No matter how I pictured life...my life is blessed.

 

Every single one of my babies is a blessing to my life, and I can not be sad, or regretful, because had we not done all we could to try, I wouldn't even have them.

True...it did not all turn out the way I had "planned" or dreamed...but I am still truly thankful for whatever time I had together with each of my babies.

I would have liked their days to each far out do mine...and that didn't happen.  But our days WILL join together one day, and for that I am humbled.

 

Every day I look at Evan and stare at him in wonder.  This little person who has changed my life and who I am.  And I am thankful to journey through life with his hand in mine.

Should God's plan be that Evan is our only living child...I will thank Him.  Every day.  For every moment I have with Evan.

 

Do I pray we may still have the hope of Evan being a big brother?  Of course.  My son was never meant to grow up alone (in my mind).  Zac was always a part of life with him, and always will be.  And no child would "replace" Zac.  But I still dream of Evan getting to be a big brother.

Yet, if it's not meant to be that way, then we will be okay.

I will be okay!

 

Oh how I love each and every one of our babies. 

Moments like this...

I know this isn't much the content that I was doing my last post.  But, this is real.  And it's what happens.
One day up, the next...knocked to the ground.

Today was a huge disappointment to me. 
Today was not the answer to the prayers and hopes I had been desperately seeking and pleading.
Today was...typical of what I have expected and received in the past.

More frustration.  More confusion.  More...loss.

And lets be honest here.  I'm angry.  I'm frustrated.  I'm so very, very tired.  And I hate feeling like this.

I just wanted today to be different.  I wanted today to be a positive outlook through so much struggle.  And, it wasn't.  It was the typical, usual frustration. 

I don't like where it feels like it is leading me. 

Yet, regardless...my heart is full of gratitude and love for my husband, my son, ALL my children, my family, and my wonderful, loving friends.

Today I don't know how to pray.  Today I don't know what to ask.  Today I don't see the light at the end of the looooooooong tunnel.
But I can't let it steal my gratitude for what, and WHO, I do have.  I can't let the enemy win by allowing myself to go straight to the lies of "what a failure you are Heather!  Why on earth would God answer your prayers?!"  Yup...those are the lies I hear far too often.  And I'm tired of it.

Yes, tomorrow is a new day.  But today I just want to wrap my arms around my son and my husband and be grateful for who I have right now. 

I don't want to question God and wonder why my smallest request feels like it falls on deaf ears.  I don't want to be bitter.

So, for now, I just want to pretend like everything is fine and that today's disappointment means nothing to me (which is a huge lie of course, but still...)

I don't understand the path God is taking me down.  And I won't lie...it is not a fun path right now.  It is not an exciting path.  It is not a path I want.  But it's the path I'm on.  And if I am meant to endure the sadness I see at the end of it...then I just pray that He gives me the strength, the courage and the dignity that He is requiring me to have.

Yes...not the day I had planned in my mind at all.

On that note...I am going to go pick up my precious little boy and I am going to wrap him in my arms and thank God for his miraculous life.  And THAT is what I'm going to focus on!!

Expecting Good? Stop assuming the worst!

I can't lie...I am one who just "prepares for the worst" so that I don't have to deal with the utter disappointment of hurt when things do go wrong. 
I've always said it is my "coping mechanism".  Because, I know how painful it is to go in to something with high expectations, trusting for a happy outcome, believing it CAN happen...and then crashing oh so very hard when everything goes exactly the opposite.
I've branded myself as "cautiously optimistic". 

Does cautiously optimistic really coincide with faith in God and His promises and word?

Where is the balance between niave optimism and reality?

And when things do turn out oh so opposite as one has prayed and believed...how do you recover from that?

These are lots of questions I am grappling with these days.  No, not questioning my faith, not at all.  Just genuine, real, honest questions.

And I can't seem to come up with answers.

I want to be a person who says "I will not worry because I know my God will provide". 
Again, don't get me wrong!  I DO believe my God will provide.  But I also know that the answer to my prayers are not always how I had expected, prayed and begged. 
I also realize this is not because God is out to "get me" or "put me in my place". 
I realize that, although my human mind may never understand, God has it all under control.  And that through grief, loss, pain...He isn't "doing" it "to me" just to prove He is bigger than I am.  I don't know...is He "doing it" at all?  I mean, I don't believe for one second that He makes bad things happen just to bring us to our knees.  I don't believe that at all.

I know a lot of my questions will brew in my brain until the day I meet my Creator.  And I know it is my responsibility to BELIEVE Him, and His amazing love for me and my life. 

I KNOW the enemy LOVES when we question, doubt, fear, worry, struggle.  He LOVES watching us squirm and blame God for every bad detail in our lives.  He delights in the fact that the lies he and his dark side-kicks whisper around our ears are accepted.

I struggle with fear.  With worry.  With "what if".  With "can I handle more pain?"  I struggle with control.  There are many days where I actually believe I am not worth amazing blessing in areas in my life.  Like I deserved all the pain in my life. 
I actually fall for those lies.  And that is exactly what they are...LIES from the enemy, because he knows how strong I am when I am trusting God and leaning on Him and living out His word and commands.  He knows I am a fighter.  He knows I hate defeat.  So he plays on those very fears to bring me to a trembling mess. 

That is where I am today.  I woke up with nothing but pure fear racing through my mind.  Fear of some stuff we are facing soon.  Fear that I am not worthy of a good outcome.  Fear that I will break if things don't work out.  Fear that I will not be able to succeed.

When I get in this mindset...I am paralyzed.  Paralyzed to the point of sitting in a ball, just crying and shaking.  Yes...that is NOT God.  That is ALL the enemy!!  And how foolish of me that I would allow myself to let that darkness wrap around my mind and how so NOT strong to believe the lies that float in my head.

I am going to be honest.  I struggle with something.  I know we are to come to God and let our requests and desires of our hearts and prayers be known to Him.  I know we are to pray without ceasing, and to keep believing.  I know we must do this to allow God to work through our prayers.  I know many times people have prayed for me, and my struggle comes back to the days of losing Jack, Ethan and Whisper, and then all that happened with Zac and Evan, and then the loss of Zac. 
I struggle because so many people would tell me the KNEW God would heal Zac, and that things would be ok. 
I struggle because after Zac passed away...I began to doubt. 
HOW did people "know"?  I wanted to see the written telegram from God to that person so that I had proof that they were actually receiving the right message.
Zac passed away in my arms.  How was that anything like what I had been encouraged to believe?

Then after our friend Jeff passed away...how does one come to terms with that? 
I have never seen such faith and believing and trust for complete healing.
Yet, he passed from this earth.
He never doubted.  Never got angry.  He trusted God.  He DID experience a full healing the first time...so why did the cancer come back?  Why did things play out the way they did?

Are we wrong to have questions when we experience loss?  No, I don't believe so.  I believe that God expects that we will.  He made us after all, right?! 

I know it's all about HOW we cope with the questions.  Do we use the questions to draw us closer to God, or do we allow the questions to start to cloud our faith and build walls? 
I know how easy it is to be consumed by darkness and doubt.  Oh boy, do I know.
I know how HARD it is to fight the way back to God. 

It is just too easy to sit and question.  And I just don't want to do that.  I want to find strength to believe that I AM WORTH GOOD!  That God loves me so very much that even if I don't understand the answer to some areas of our life...He still wants the very best for me, and will provide a way.

This realization doesn't mean I've miraculously had some epiphany right this very moment and "viola"...all good.  It just means I know I need to fight.  I know I need to trust.  I know I need to believe that I AM WORTH GOOD THINGS happening to!  I don't "deserve" nothing but disappoinment and loss.

Disappointment and loss are a part of life.  But it's up to me...will I continue to believe God's goodness for my life, and trust that He will carry me through.  Or do I give up and sit in my corner obsessing about the fears and "what ifs"?!  I just don't want that for my life.

My job...searching God's word.  Living His word.  Trusting His word.  Which means READING and studying His word.  That is where I will find His word, His voice...the calm in my storms.

I read this devotional this morning from Joyce Meyers website, and I really loved this analogy.  It made perfect sense to me today!

"This about it like this:  If I have a headache, I take an Aspirin to get relief from it.  I have to swallow the pill for it to work.  If I put it on top of my head, it won't do anything for me.  God's Word is medicine for our spirit, soul and body, and the way we experience its power is by speaking it out loud, praying it to God, meditating on it, and believing it.  When you speak His Word over your life, it releases that power into your life.  It won't work for us if we just have a Bible and leave it on the shelf.  We have to use it.  God wants to make you whole, and what He's asking you to do is believe what His Word says more than you blieve what you think of how you feel.  Keep speaking His Word over your circumstances and in His timing He'll complete the good work He's begun in you!"

 

 

I love that quote.  It's so true.  How many times have I cried to God in the midst of a trauma in my life, expecting a literal voice of God to speak to me directly!  When I do just what the above quote says NOT to do.  I have my Bible, sitting there in plain view, closed.  Untouched.  Too stubborn to open it.  Too...paralyzed to find the strength to open the pages and search what God would want to tell me.

 

In the next week, I have something going on in my life that has been marked with disappointment and negative in the past.  I have been focusing on that.  I have been allowing myself to believe that I will hear much of the same, not expecting that God can provide a better outcome.  It's time that I stop living in the past of those results, and start believing God can find a way for me.  And NO MATTER what the results...He will carry me/us through.  That I am ok.  I have been blessed, and I cherish that.  That the hope of the future does not define who I am, and does not define my joy.

 

I have to search His word.  Trust His word and His love.  I have to submit my life to His plans and know that He is more than enough.  That He will lead the way.  That I am not alone, and am not meant to fight these fights alone. 

 

"Therefore humble yourselves under the mighty hand of God, that in due time He may exalt you, Casting the whole of your care on Him, for He cares for you affectionately and cares about you watchfully."  1 Peter 5:7

 

God be with each of us, today and each day forward.

 

Blessings!