FAMILY PHOTOS!!!! by Lisa Landrie - PART THREE

Photos created by Lisa Landrie. www.lisalandrie.com

FAMILY PHOTOS!!!! by Lisa Landrie - PART TWO

Photos done by Lisa Landrie. www.lisalandrie.com

FAMILY PHOTOS!!!! by Lisa Landrie - PART ONE

Photos done by Lisa Landrie. www.lisalandrie.com

Here our some of our family photos we had done on November 28/09 (Evan turned 6 mths corrected that very day!!). It was a great experience, although I had to spend many moments choking down very large lumps in my throat. Here I looked at us a family...after 10 years of wondering if we'd ever get here. And in that moment of joy and pride and feeling oh so blessed, I also felt that all too familiar stabing pain and sorrow and grief...knowing our precious little Zac would not be in these pictures. I asked to do one special "pose"...and you'll understand when you see the picture.

There are a few, so there may be a couple of posts...but here we go!!

It's official...my little man has his first tooth!!

I can't believe it!! Evan has been chewing on ANYTHING like crazy for a couple of months, but today he chomped on my finger and YOWZERS...OUCH...A TOOTH!!!!!!!!!! It's exciting, yet "sad" all wrapped up in one! I can't believe how fast time is going!!!!! Evan is also loving his pureed chicken and beef that I make for him (I'm loving doing his food myself!!), and yesterday we started on carrots which has been a hit. Now when he sees me getting the cube of chicken and carrots from the freezer he gets all excited!! He LOVES actual food! He also loves pears and bananas. Today we got our pictures from Lisa Landrie (we had our photos done Nov 28th) and they are AMAZING!!!! I'm hoping I'll be able to post a few...but which to choose!!! Evan looks SOOOOO adorable in all of them!!!! Today I woke up with a bit of a sore throat and stuffy nose, and Evan has been coughing a bit more too. PLEASE pray for us, that this will pass quickly and that it will not progress in to anything further for any of us in the house. I am SO terrified of Evan getting ill!!!! Anyhow, just a quick post tonight. Off to make supper now.

More photos to share...of course!!

"Hmmmm, what is this odd mush my mommy just put in my mouth?!"

"OK, maybe it isn't so bad after all! But it's more fun to spit out!"

"Why does my mommy insist on making me look so silly! And what is this strange hat I am wearing?!!"

"Styling my new Oilers Jersey and getting ready for games with daddy!!"

"I can't move!! I'm mummified!! What is going on here?!!!"

Just some fun pics of Evan. I gave him beef for the first time today. Little harder to get to a nice pureed consistency, but he figured it out! He was blowing bubbles half way through too and I think I ended up wearing most of it!!

We are off for professional pictures tomorrow morning...dogs included! I'm hoping they cooperate, and hoping Evan naps on the way out to the studio!! But in true Evan style I'm sure he will be all smiles when he sees the camera!! I think I have a little GQ on my hands!!

I still have not put out any Christmas decorations. I'm finding it really difficult this year. This December marks the 2 year anniversary of the loss of our first identical twins, and the first year we won't have Zac with us in front of the Christmas tree. At least not physically. He is always with us in our hearts. And I'm missing my little guy so badly this season, as I do every day!

I almost don't want to put up the tree I've used since Brett and I got married. Since our 9+ year journey for a family it has held some sad memories, and I almost just want to start fresh. I'd actually like to put up a REAL tree this year. Hopefully Tag (my male dog) won't think to "Christen" it for us!! But I'm not even sure if we will do that. We'll see. But considering that Christmas is 28 days away...it might be time to start considering getting festive!! Evan deserves a fun Christmas even though he won't understand what's going on.

I sooooooooooooo badly want to take Evan for a picture with Santa, but I'm TERRIFIED to as well because of all the kids and GERMS Santa will be holding!!! We'll see. I'm still not sure. But I wonder if we can take him at the end of a time when there won't be as many children, OR be first to get there. We might just have to skip this year considering we are to stay away from crowded areas. Maybe Brett will dress up if I find a Santa suit!! Anyone have one that we could borrow for a day for a picture!! :) Let me know!!

Evan has been coughing a bit more the last couple of days and a bit stuffed up. But nothing to really concern me (and of all people who would be concerned...it would be ME!!). No wheezing and no temperature and is still in good spirits. So hopefully it is just a tiny bug. And might not be anything anyhow. But regardless, if you could send a little prayer his way just for health and strength for this season.

Anyhow, just wanted to share some more brag pictures.

RSV shots...round one done.

This is the wreath I was mentioning that I made for Zac's gravesite. It was almost therapeutic to do this, and know that Zac is still very much a part of our lives!!

OK, so this is a picture of the wreath I made for Zac's gravesite. It meant a lot doing this, and even though it sucks that this is the reason for making this, I felt Zac very much present as I chose ornaments and then put them all together. I love you Zac.

Yesterday Evan had his first of 5 rounds of RSV vaccinations. FORTUNATELY it was 2 nurses (one whom was one of Evan's NICU nurses that cared for him!!!) doing the shots. Because Evan is over 16 pounds he had to get a double dose, so a shot in each leg. Each nurse did a shot at the same time so that Evan just had to go through the realization of "one" poke. He cried for a few seconds, but then I showed him himself in the mirror and he was all smiles again!!! He did soooo good!!! What a trooper I have!! He is so brave!

After the shots we went up to the NICU to visit with some of the nurses. I was also asked to introduce myself to other parents in the NICU waiting room and to share my story with them to encourage them. And you know...it was actually "nice" to be able to share our story, share the boys and our loss of Zac and our blessing with Evan. To encourage them as best as I could with them seeing Evan today and hearing how tiny he was and how early the boys had been.

During my talking to them my absolute most favorite and special nurse came out to see us. I had hoped and hoped she would be there, and fortunately she was able to sneak out quickly. Oh did I give a shriek of joy and did we ever hug...and it took everything in me not to fall to pieces. She held Evan, and my heart was full of joy and love!

After our visit there I went back to my old hospital "home", 4th floor antepartum, where I spent those 5 weeks carrying the boys. I had made plans to come visit one of the many special nurses who cared for me and the boys while I was there. It was so good to see her, and she was so happy to see and meet Evan for the first time!

Evan had a very full and busy morning, and by this time he was WAY past his nap, so I laid him in my arms on our walk back down to meet up with my dad (my parents had come with me that morning) and poor Evan feel right to sleep!!

I got to end the morning nicely by having my hair done while my parents hung out with Evan.

While we were getting Evan's needles done the one nurse brought up how important this season is for all our little preemies. That lots of people won't understand how nervewracking this year will be for us as parents, and how important it is for everyone to understand how very cautious we must be with Evan. Yes, Evan looks healthy and to this point we have been VERY fortunate...but we have also worked VERY VERY hard to keep him healthy. And now this time of year we have to be even MORE cautious and careful. He may look healthy, but our "fight" to keep him healthy this season has only begun. RSV is soooooooooooo common, and so easily transmitted without a carrier even knowing they have been exposed. But to Evan...it could cost him sooooo much if he contracts it. I have seen enough of the inside of a hospital to last me 10 lifetimes, and with the way RSV works on these little ones we would easily end up back in there if Evan were to become ill. So we are working even harder to keep him safe. I have begun to hibernate again with him, and will cautiously take him on outtings. If I don't have to, we won't. We won't even be attending church this RSV/flu season. That will be a bit tough, but God knows where we are, and He knows what we've been through, and He supports our efforts to keep Evan healthy and safe. Yes, people pray for Evan, and we appreciate that more than words, but we also have to be responsible parents and know that we still have to do what is in OUR power to keep him safe and healthy. I guess after going through what we did with Zac...it's hard to not feel somewhat tainted and cautious. I am just being honest here...not disrespectful of prayer or God. But I've also come to learn a very hard lesson that our prayers are not always answered the way we cry out and beg and plead. However, we still pray for our little guy!!!

I remember when I read the book "The Shack". I dog-eared one page because I appreciated one particular paragraph. It reads: "Mack, just because I work incredible good out of unspeakable tragedies doesn't mean I orchestrate the tragedies. Don't ever assume that my using something means I caused it or that I need it to accomplish my purposes. That will only lead you to false notions about me. Grace doesn't depend on suffering to exist, but where there is suffering you will find grace in many facets and colors."

I always think about this passage.

Anyhow, I suppose I should get going. Evan has been napping soundly, but should soon be waking up to eat. So I should get myself organised. When he realizes he's hungry, it's an instant need to eat! He is too funny!!

Evan goes for round 2 of 5 RSV shots again in December. Please pray for Evan during this time of high risk RSV (until May!).

A bit of this, a bit of that...

Evan with his buddy Bailey!!! She is so good with him! He was having a great time "petting" her and pulling on her ears!!

Evan had his appointment with his OT yesterday and he is doing GREAT developmentally. Meeting all his milestones. His OT laughed at how even in the past 2 weeks Evan seems to have gotten "chubbier"!! I love hearing that!! It's pleasing to know that he is doing well!!!

We also had him weighed and he is now 15lbs 15ou. Quickly creeping to that 16lb mark!! And I've yet again had to weed out small clothes from his closet!!!! He has gotten longer, and bigger :)

On Sunday we went to Grainfields and I let Evan taste a bit of pear from my fruit cup and he LOVED it!!!! Of course...it's sweet!!! He hasn't had any fruit as of yet because we were to start him on meats first. That's right...meats!! And I'm glad so that he develops that palat first!

BUT, the pear was a wonderful new world to him!!!! He was shaking he was so excited!

My cousin is back living with us for his last stint of school at SIAST, and we were all laughing yesterday how when we are eating all Evan does is stare down our plates!!! He just wants real food already! And he's getting there!

My brother in law also let Evan have a "taste" of a mandarin orange which he enjoyed also!

We have chicken accepted, but I tried lamb and that has been quite the humorous test. He gags at it and then puiks up what he has eaten. So I think we'll skip the lamb and go for the good stuff - BEEF! Because honestly...I don't cook lamb for ourselves, so it's not like it is a part of our diet anyhow! Beef on the other hand...big staple!

Once we have that underway we will begin with some veggies and then on to fruits.

Evan is just FULL of energy, and seriously, once he gets this rolling and then crawling thing sorted out...I won't have to worry about how I'm going to lose the rest of my pregnancy weight!! He already keeps me moving...but I KNOW I'm going to be REALLY moving once he's mobile!!

We really enjoyed the beautiful weather today by taking the dogs for a walk and then Evan and I continued on our walk and "cruised" 8th street. OK...we went to Superstore to check out the boy clothes (booooooo, get with it people! Make more boy stuff!!!!!! GRRRRRRR), then we went to Winners (BIGGER BOOOOOOOO...why do I insist on going there? It drives me CRAZY and I always leave disappointed and annoyed!) and then we ended our journey by going to Starbucks...where I'm never left disappointed!!!!! Mmmmmm, peppermint mocha's are YUMMY! But those will be FEW AND FAR BETWEEN since I'm on the quest to get back to some resemblance of my old body!!

Things are good. Evan is my light! He makes us laugh and reminds us that "miracle" isn't just an empty word (lets admit it...sometimes I've wondered about the strength of miracles!). I don't know what I would do without my buddy!

I've been working on a Christmas wreath for Zac's gravesite. I've been collecting little ornaments here and there, some special, so just Christmas type ornaments. I have one that is a picture frame that I have Zac's photo in.

I've been missing my little guy more and more lately. I suppose because I am watching Evan grow leaps and bounds, and I am just feeling really sad that his brother is not at his side where he should be. And no amount of "peace" in knowing where Zac IS will help the sadness in my heart. I still feel like that part is a bad dream. And honestly have woken some nights searching my bed for Zac.

Anyhow, please continue to pray for Evan during the cold/flu/H1N1/RSV season. So far we've been fortunate, but I am much more homeward bound with Evan now and we limit our exposure to public situations. And will be that way until this season has passed. This being his first year we are to be VERY careful with him.

Please also pray for Evan for this Friday. He gets his first of five RSV vaccination needles, and I've heard through the grapevine that it is not a pleasant experience for these kiddos!

Please also pray for our hearts this Christmas season. Last Christmas we were so tickled by knowing our boys were well, and we had such a great time finally getting to be part of the ranks of soon to be parents. It is going to be difficult as we go through our first Christmas with a piece of our family missing. Also for my heart in January...the 30th being when everything blew up in my face. These "year mark" milestones are going to be painful!

To those who continue to follow my blog...I am sending you big hugs. I've always been worried that people would lose interest and would stop following. It means a lot to me knowing that people still want to watch Evan grow, and to hear my heart.

Thank you!!!