Cutest ringbearer ever!! (I'm biased!)

What can I say!?  I'm biased!!  Is this not the CUTEST ring bearer you've EVER seen!

And he's all mine :)

I don't often get a chance to update here, and honestly don't really know what to say much anymore.  But I wanted to take some time to do some bragging and sharing of my thoughts these days.

On the weekend we were at wedding 3 of 4 for this summer.

The first, I had the honor of being the "maid" of honour to my best friend and longest childhood friend.

Wedding two was one of our nephew's.

And this past weekend was wedding three of another of our nephew's.  And for this one  was the one that Evan was a part of.

Talk about a heart-stealer! :) 

Both on my hubby's side.

This one was a carnival theme.  HOW FUN!  It was held at an older movie theatre and each guest received a popcorn and pop before being seated.  It was adorable!

Evan wasn't too sure Friday night at the rehersal. But then again, he kind of got tossed in to the mix with people he didn't really know...so the shyness won over.  By the end of the rehersal he made friends with the older flower girl and things were better.  PHEW!!  I was worried.

And then at the wedding...he ROCKED his role!! 

That's my boy!!!

As he walked down the aisle...I wanted to tear up just picturing the day he may choose to get married.  The thought of his life beginning with some very lucky, and precious woman.

And I had to slow down the mind game of the future!

I look at this precious little boy and still, I feel stunned most days that I've been blessed with the honour of being his mom. 

I know I blow it a lot with days of frustration and lack of patience...but I will never be too "mommy" or big to admit my bad moments, and will always humble myself to say to my son "I am sorry for my behaviour, Evan!"

Which is exactly what I had to do over the weekend ;)

I don't know what the future holds. 

I dream of being fortunate enough to share our lives and love with another child, but I don't know if that is in the game plan of God 's playbook for our family.

We have two frozen embryos (blastocytes) left.

What may happen?

I don't know. 

I can't know.

Only God knows.

I know what I would LIKE to see happen.  Of course I pray life for these little ones.  But I just don't know what is in store.  And that is a tough pill to swallow.

It's not just a matter of going for a transfer and viola.

Not at all.

And it's not that WE get the choice as to whether or not we have another child/ren.

Nope, not at all.

Each transfer everything is out of our hands.

And that is tough.

But I'm praying.

When will it happen?  WILL it happen?

Who knows.

But I do know that I am forever grateful for all that our IVF road has led us to.

Yes, heart break and grief in spades. 

But joy and gratitude as well!

Yes, 4 of our 5 children live in heaven and I will not get to meet them again until then.

But our son Evan...what a treasure.  What a pleasure.  What a true honour to be his earthly mommy.  What a blessing to hear my little boy say at bedtime "sweet dreams mommy".

Do I pray for the honour of parenting another living child?  Yes.  I will admit that. whole-heartedly!

Do I dream of watching and hearing Evan being a big brother?  Absolutely!  No questions about that!

Does it still hurt, and do I still struggle with the ugliness of jealousy when hearing another pregnancy announcement and seeing ultra sound pictures?  I won't lie.  Jealousy rears its UGLY head.  No matter how thrilled I am for that person.

But does my blessing of Evan mean any less for my wants of the future? 

Not a chance!

Evan is my blessing, my treasure, my breathe, my soul, a gift beyond measure.

And I am blessed to be his mommy!

Just LOOK at the above picture of my boy!!! 

How can my heart be anything but mush when I get to see that silly face he makes, and see the handsome young boy he is becoming!

One day I pray that my hopes and desires of the future tame.  Whatever the end results of our path leads us to.

I pray that the struggle of not feeling our family is complete will feel without a doubt complete if that time comes with just Brett, Evan and I at the end of it all.

Will it hurt any less?  Probably not for a long while.  Until I learn life over without the world of IVF and FETs surrounding me.

But right now...I pray.  And keep hoping.

And keep watching my son, and raising him the very best I can and how he deserves.

And I pray for others who understand exactly where I am coming from in this post.  Those whose hearts are heavy.  Those who know the struggle I am talking about.  And those who feel the same blessing and desires as I do.

I am praying for you!!  Truly!  Now and always!

Praying for God's blessing and very best for your family as well. 

Well, today is a RARE (and I DO mean RARE) day that Evan has gone down for a rest.  He has a bit of a stuffy nose (too many late nights, and doesn't help that I was hit with a head cold).  But I expect that he will be getting up shortly, so I should go get organized.

We have the pleasure of having our nephew Mason here to help out while his day home is on some much deserved holidays.

What a blast watching these two cousins!

Mason is 4 months younger than Evan.

Technically, had life turned out the way it SHOULD have, Mason would only have been 2 months younger than Zac and Evan, and all THREE would be playing together today...but that's another mind-bender for another day!

It is SO fun watching Evan and Mason together, and SO fun that Evan has a cousin so close in age!  So it really is a treat to get to have Mason to ourselves for a while!

But both the boys crashed for a nap this afternoon, so I better run and get a few things done before they both wake :)

Blessings to you all!

Like losing him all over again...

I know that Zac isn't there at the cemetery.  I know that.  I know that his soul and his spirit is happy in heaven.  And that is a wonderful knowledge.  And wonderful to know that one day we will be together for eternity with all our children.  Yes, that is wonderful knowledge.

The other day, however, Evan and I went out to the cemetery to remove a cross that had been broken in a wind storm and replace it with a ceramic angel figurine.  And when I pulled up to the Little Angels site...everything was gone.  EVERYTHING. 

I went ice cold. 

I know logically that the cemetery had likely chosen to start to enforce the rule of not having items left around the plots.  When Zac was burried and we met with the person to arrange for his plaque he had mentioned that the grounds had a policy for no items left but that at the Little Angels site they chose to turn a blind eye and allow items.

So, even though I knew this was likely the situation, I still had to gather myself and not break down in front of Evan.

In that moment, it felt like I lost Zac all over again. 

I went to the office and asked what had happened to all the items and they let me know each site was boxed up and the boxes were in a storage building all labelled, and that I would need to find a grounds keeper and they would take me to the items.

I asked if a letter had been sent out, and she said yes, twice.  But of course, who would ever think you would need to update a change of address at a cemetery.  I never did.  I knew I should have.  And I guess I better now! 

So off Evan and I went to find the storage building.  And then from the back seat Evan says to me, "Mommy, where is Zac?"  Me:  "remember bud, he is in heaven with Jesus."  Evan: "Oh ya.  I wish he were right beside me here".  Me:  "Me too buddy, me too.  But one day we will all be together again because we have Jesus in our hearts, right?!"  Evan:  "yah!"

Thank goodness Evan couldn't see the tears running down my face.

We found the building.  And once again collected what was all we had for Zac at the cemetery.  A huge flash back to being handed a box of all we had left from the few days we shared together with Zac at the hospital.

And I'm tired of being handed boxes of memories, so few and so precious.

I do respect the cemetery's reasoning.  But, as a mommy who only has a grave to visit with one of her sons...that's tough.  Because just being able to have those few items around Zac's plaque meant so much to me.  Items to personalize an otherwise cold and sad grave.  Those few items brought a bit of "life" and "joy" to my visits.  And was my way of being able to still do SOMETHING for my son.

I know...they are just "things" and he is not "there".  And maybe some are just rolling their eyes at these feelings of mine and maybe not understanding what this possibly feels like...and that's ok.  If you haven't experienced this, I wouldn't expect you to understand.  So, I don't judge.  But I ask that I not be judged for the ways that help me deal with losing one of my sons.

Those few items made that little space feel like "our" place.  I would go visit when I was feeling overwhelmed with life circumstances, or just needing some Zac time, and I would go sit and journal or pray or chat about Evan "to" Zac.  And it oddly became a place of "peace" and serenity.  It was "our" place.  Not at all the type of place I'd ever wished to be our place, but it felt like I still had a way to be able to do something.

It has just been a strange adjustment yet again.  And difficult, because once again, that grave site just seems cold and empty. 

So I now have the cherubs and the hanging plaque in the picture above in a little flower bed at the front of my house.  It's not the same, but they are here with us. 

But I have to say, it makes me feel the same as Evan's comment was to me "I wish Zac were here beside me..."

I love how Evan is making Zac's name more a part of conversations though.  Some are quite funny.  And I've had a frame with a picture of both Zac and Evan from NICU on a window sill that Evan now has claimed as his and is on his dresser in his bedroom.  It touches my heart.  And is important that he knows of his brother.  They are a part of each other always.

I love my boys.  I love all my babes!  Always and forever, to eternity! xoxo

A first...

So, this past weekend I experienced a first.  A first of being away from Evan overnight since he came home from NICU!!  And it was...wierd.

I know there are many who wouldn't find this a big deal.  One night.  Literally less than 24 hours apart. 

For me...that was the longest night ever.  The 66 days Evan and I had to be apart through the nights while he was in NICU...that was enough to last me a lifetime!

I'm not one who feels the need or desire to be away.  Doesn't feel the necessity to "get away".
That is just not me.  I waited too many years, experienced too many losses and too much sadness to have nights together with Evan to ever WANT to be away from him.

HOWEVER...the reason for being away was a valid, and GOOD one!  My oldest, dearest best friend is getting married next month, and it was her bridal shower!!!  And I am her Matron of Honor at the wedding!  So it was truly a good reason to have to be away for the night!  And I am so very glad that I went for her!!  She has been such a treasured friend, since we were 5 years old!! 
She lives in the next province...6'ish hours away. 
We have remained friends through all these years, though we've hardly lived in the same province together since our friendship began!  But there are cherished memories!
And while I was living at the hospital before having Zac and Evan...she came for me!  She came on her spring break (she is a teacher) and brought marking to do while she sat by my side to keep me company and watch over me.  She is just that kind of friend.  That particular memory brings tears to my eyes every time I think of her at the hospital with me.  Forever grateful, forever blessed!
So I am so, so, SO glad that I was able to be able to share a joyous occassion with her!!

And though I felt frustrated each time I heard "it will be good for you", (being away for the night), I knew I'd survive.  As I knew Evan and Brett would do just fine without me :)  And, we all survived and did great! 

I have to say, I feel proud of myself for going, without dragging Evan and Brett on a road trip! 

However..."good for me"...I don't know if being apart from Evan is EVER "good" for me. 
I know what it's like to be apart from my son.  I didn't like it those 66 nights, and I don't think I will EVER like that feeling of being apart.  Even when he is grown, in college and married.  It will still sting.

And I know what it's like to be apart from my children in heaven, my Zac, Ethan, Jack and Whisper. 

It's never a "good" feeling being apart.

My flight both to and from the wedding shower was under not the sunniest of weather.  Rain and cloud.  Grey and rainy.  Yuck!  Yet...once we rose over those clouds...AMAZING!  Blue blue blue skies!  Sun and blue skies!  It was unreal!  And I couldn't help but tear up a few times.  I just felt God all around me!
Over those clouds and yucky grey skies...there was this amazing blue beauty and sunshine.

It reminded me a lot of how my heart can feel some days.  The clouds of sorrow and missing my children so very much...but then...there it is...beauty, sunshine, laughter, joy...hope.  The clouds and sadness of missing my children have a place...but sunshine is always there.  It is always there through the storm.  The cloud lifts and the sunshine pours through.  Does that make any sense?  It does to me, so I guess that's really all that matters.
We all have our grey days, and that should be okay.  As long as we rise above and push through and find that blue, sunshine sky.  We have to!  I have to!!!  No matter how much turbulence along the way!

I tell you, while I was away, though I was having a wonderful time celebrating such a joyful answer to prayer for my friend in her engagement...I had one little face in mind the whole time.  Evan!  All I could think about was feeling his little arms wrap around my neck when he and Brett came to pick me up from the airport.  I felt like a little kid just waiting for the biggest surprise ever.
We hadn't told Evan a thing about me leaving.  It would have worked him up, and I just wanted it to feel as normal a day as possible.  And I knew I'd be back before he woke up the next morning.
And seriously...when he saw me at the airport...the way his face lit up...filled me up so so so much!
And those little arms tightly wrapped around me...COME ON!!!  The BEST!

It was a first of many first's to come.  First's that may not be too comfortable for me, but that must happen at some time. 
Evan keeps talking about school and wanting to go.  Though as soon as I remind him that school is a special place for just him, his teacher and his friends...he reconsiders and tells me "well, I'm not ready YET mommy".  But the idea of his first day of preschool...yes, I WILL indeed be a mess as I walk away from that classroom.  I WILL indeed cry.  I WILL very likely sit out front of that school until it's time to pick him up! 

Some first's...some I do not look forward to.  Though, each of those first's means that life moves forward.  We grow.  We learn.  We branch out.  We keep moving forward through uncertain days and situations, and we keep hoping.  And watching the beauty of what is, and the hope of what is to come.

I don't know...I may just be babbling right now.  But these are just the thoughts in my mind right now.  Thinking of the first's we have had, and those to come.  I'm grateful to be able to experience any of them.  I never thought I would.  Almost didn't.  So now, even though some first's may be uncomfortable for my mommy heart...I'm just grateful that I get to have them!

Joy in struggle

It has been one of "those" days.  One where every single pain, worry, struggle and frustration hits all at once.  One of those days where I struggle to keep the smile on my face and the tears out of my eyes.  One of those days where I can feel the adrenalin of worry and self condemnation coursing through my veins...literally.  One of those days where the lies of the enemy are ringing loud and clear...though I know they are just that...lies. 

But there is always joy in "those" days.  His name is Evan.  And he is my earthly angel, my living son.  He is my joy, my heart, my breath, my everything.  He reminds me to fight through the hard days.  He reminds me to fight for the light in the darkness.  He is my living reminder that miracles can and do happen. 

He reminds me to be silly.  To cry if I need to, but to wipe my tears and giggle along side him.  He reminds me to focus on the simple things in each day.  I new animal at the zoo, a plane in the sky, a hotair balloon floating by, a fly tickling his neck...and the joy of blue bubble gum ice cream dripping all over his face.

Yes, the struggles, the pains, the reality of life remain...but they silence for a while.  They become more of a dull grind on my mind instead of the jack-hammer that rattles my soul from time to time when the harsh facts of areas of our journey just can't end, but don't get easier.

I am beyond grateful for this little boy who reminds me of so much I need to remember.  I am beyond blessed for the honor of parenting this little wonder.  Of watching him growing in to such a BOY!  SO grateful for the silliness of the simple things in life.  So beyond grateful for the reminder that no matter how our journey ends...I have more than I ever dreamed of!  And I get to see his smile every morning when he wakes up, and feel his arms wrap around my neck, and hear him say "I love you mommy!"

The journey can be so rough and dark at times.  Today started in that direction.

But my sweet boy brought back the joy of today, and all that I have!

I am so grateful, and so truly in love with our son! 

My heart and soul!

These amazing collage photos were done by our AWESOME photographer, Lisa Landrie, who put on a mini photo shoot called "Mother's of May".  These photo shoots were done on a donation basis, and ALL proceeds were donated to the Canadian Cancer Society.

After the losses we have been through, and through personal loss that Lisa experienced in her own family, this photo shoot and this fundraiser was VERY special to my heart, and I was so happy to learn of what Lisa was doing. 

Evan and I had a GREAT time!!!

Amazing witness...

On Monday we celebrated our dear friend Jeff's life on this earth.

Can I just say...I was beyond moved that every seat in that church was filled. 

I am so sad that this was the reason for the gathering...but moved beyond words!

One could not step in to that sanctuary with dry eyes. 

One of Jeff's family friends delivered the eulogy.  I was blown away.  The description this man gave, the image of Jeff he revealed...the friendship and respect for Jeff seen in this man...there are no words as to how beautiful he spoke of Jeff.  And of Jeff's amazing faith in God.  And his pure desire that lost come to know the Lord. 
I knew how very much he loves Tamara and the kids..but I learned a side of Jeff that although I knew...I didn't know HOW deep his faith ran.  Without wavering.  And with impact.  And with a focus on others and not himself.

Greg said something that has permanently etched itself in my brain.  "Put self on the shelf".
I can't walk away from that small piece of wisdom, with such amazing impact.

This life isn't just about us.  And when we have the faith of God, when we have his truth in our hearts...is it not then for us to share so that others may experience such a freedom?

Yes, losing Jeff was a shock.  His battle with this wretched cancer was...I can't think of the right words, but really, it was wrong.  It just felt unfair and wrong.  For ANY victim of cancer.
But Jeff had his rock-solid faith, right to the very end.  He clung to that.  He knew he would be okay because he knew he was right with God and trusted Him unfailingly.

Jeff's impact on others did NOT end the day he entered heaven.  His life mission to reach out to the lost and the less fortunate will not end in vain.  Satan did NOT win through cancer.  As a matter of fact...he lost even more.  Because I have to believe with all my heart that in the service for Jeff, lives were touched and more saints of heaven were gained, returned and secured.

This amazing man has a testimony that will carry on.  It will not be forgotten.
And it sure as heck challenged me in my faith and my walk with the Lord. 

I am so grateful for the beautiful words that Greg shared that day.  I am so grateful for the life Jeff led.  I am so grateful that through his family he will carry on.  And I am beyond grateful that I know because of our faith in Jesus, and our acceptance of him in our lives through our confession of sin and simply inviting Him in...we live.  Even at the end of our days on this earth...we will live.  The life we were meant to live.  We will rejoin with family and friends. 
I am exciting to meet the children I never held here on earth, I am excited to see Zac's eyes one again and hold him, I am excited to family that have passed before me, and I am looking so forward to hearing Jeff's unforgettable laugh.

The thing with Satan...he can try to win through bitterly painful loss and trials, but because of God and His role in our lives...no matter what...Satan loses.  He's a LOSER!

My heart aches daily, hourly, for my sweet friend Tamara and the children.  That is the side of pain and loss that can not be "clichèd" away.  Yes, God's word is a balm, but right now...pain and grief are raw and real.  And a person who has lost is aware of the word of God...but at the moment just needs to hear "this sucks beyond imagine...and I will be here for you!" 

When Zac passed away...I KNOW peoples intentions and words were not meant to harm or hurt.  But referring to Evan as "at least you have Evan"...was a daggar to my soul.  Evan is never an "at least".  And the reality of it is...Evan's life is not responsible for taking away the pain and fact that Zac is no longer on this earth.  That is a burden that Evan does not require.  Evan does not replace Zac, just as Zac would have never replaced Evan.  Losing a child, losing a husband, a wife, a parent...nothing is supposed to "replace" that and suddenly make everything better. 

Though step by step, day by day...slllllllowly...we allow God's healing to take place.  One day at a time, we feel His love, His comfort, His sorrow.  Baby steps at a time we learn it is okay to laugh again.  To feel again.  That even now, He is in control.  He loves us.  He hurts with us.
In the throws of sorrow, that is hard to accept when the questions of "why" happen.  When we know He could have healed and changed events. 
And knowing our answers will never be found on earth is a hard pill to swallow. 
But step by step we remember our faith and trust that we had in the depths of the valley, and we reconnect to where we feel betrayed (yes, betrayed). 

Our God loves.  He loves without bounds and questions.  He wants to carry us through the pain, not just the easy days.  He wants us to allow Him to pick us up and walk with us. 

Pain and confusion and questions have a way of putting up a guard.  It's a natural defense.  But slowly and bit by bit...we let that guard down and trust Him again.  He is the same today as He was in the midst of our valleys.  He does not change.  He will not lie.  He will become that balm our broken heart needs. 

But right now, pain is real.  Loss is real.  Confusion and questions are still center in the mind.  And lets say it like it is...it sucks.

I pray for peace and comfort and healing for Tamara and the kids.  I pray for what I can only imagine one of the most bitter-sweet days in Tamara's life...delivering her and Jeff's fourth child without Jeff physically present there.  I pray for the kids as they grow.  That their faith will not falter from the pain of losing their daddy.  I pray for their protection and their faith.

I know the pain of losing a child.  But knowing THAT pain does not put me in a place of understanding Tamara's pain of losing her husband, friend, partner.  I can not fathom.  And it breaks my heart for her and for the kids.

I ask that you pray for this sweet woman who never once wavered through Jeff's illness.  She stood strong in her faith alongside Jeff.  She cared for Jeff on his down days and never left his side.  She is a woman of strength and loving beauty.  A true example.
Pray for her as she prepares for her delivery.  Pray for their three children and for this little one on the way.  Pray for the family...parents, brothers, sisters, aunts, uncles, etc.  Pray for dear friends who were ever present through Jeff's illness.
Cover them in God's love and protection.

Remember that saying I mentioned that Greg said through his eulogy?

Put self on the shelf!

Live for more than just earthly wants and gains. 

Live for what truly matters.  Your relationship and our walk with God.  Being there for those who need it.  Living outside of yourself.  Being the hands of God.  And His arms of comfort. 

I will never forget the words spoken of Jeff, and the man of faith he was. 

He continues to touch my life, and I am honored and blessed to call him friend.



In loving memory of a dear friend...

I hate cancer.  I hate that it has no boundaries.  No regard for anything but destruction.  I hate that it has no limits, no prejudice, no care of who it affects and who it takes.

Yesterday morning we lost a very dear friend to cancer.  A young, vibrant, loving, man.  A man who loved his wife of 8 years.  Who adored his three young children...and another due in July.  A man who valued his friends and family.  A man who was genuine, and caring, and funny, and silly, and serious.

He just turned 37.

His wife turned 35 today.  The day after her husband passed away.

8 weeks before his child is due.

Cancer took his body.

But it did not take his life. 

Cancer did not reign victorious.  Jeff's faith assured that.  Heaven reigned victorious in gaining a true saint.  A true man of God.  A man who did not waver in his faith.  Who did not turn his back on God, his faith, his beliefs when days were dim. 

We witnessed a true miracle in the beginning of Jeff's battle.  Stage 4 cancer, given months to live...Jeff proved God is a God of miracles.  That cancer could not be found in Jeff. 

But it returned. 

Yes, there are so many questions.  So much confusion. 

Why?

And why this loss?

And the painful answer for those left behind on this earth...there is no answer that will take away the pain.  There are no answers on this earth.

But Jeff lives.  He lives fully.  He lives free.  He is no longer in pain.  His life has only just begun.

The night before Jeff passed away I had spoken with my dear friend, Jeff's wife.  We talked about a few things.  I tried to get an understanding of how things were looking.  Brett and I arranged to go the next morning to visit with Jeff.

We did not make it. 

Literally as we were leaving, our sister-in-law (a relative of Jeff's) messaged me saying Jeff had passed away that morning.

Why didn't we go the day before.  Why didn't we have that last moment.

The questions one always asks.

But no one believed this was what was going to happen yesterday morning.  This wasn't how it was supposed to happen.

Brett and I sat and cried. 

One day I will share about a personal experience I had had the night before and the morning of Jeff's passing.  Before I knew Jeff had passed away.  But for now I will wait.  For now I want to share that with my friend Tamara first.

Yesterday afternoon, EVERY cloud in the sky reminded me of an angel.  EVERY could was a whispy sillouhete of an angel.  And how fitting.  Because an angel most certainly entered heaven yesterday.

What an amazing man of faith.  He never wavered.  He never stopped trusting God and His word.  He never gave in to bitterness.  He never doubted.

His life has always shined light...but in this while...he shone brighter than ever.

His life is a testimony.  His life is a witness.  His life had value and meaning.  HAS value and meaning.

He was and is loved by so so so many, and his physical earthly presence will be missed deeply. 

I can hear his laugh.  His laugh that could make anyone join in laughter. 

I can see his face...his smile.

I can see him whole, healed...

But mostly, I hear his laugh.

I ask that you please keep Tamara and the kids tightly wrapped in prayer each and every day forward.

For this little one waiting to enter the world.  This little piece of Jeff preparing to enter this world.

Pray for comfort.  Comfort beyond understanding.

Jeff, you are truly loved, and you will be deeply missed.

Yet I know...we'll hear your laugh again one day!

Thank you, Lord, that through You, we will hear Jeff's laugh one day as he greets us at heaven's gate.

We love you!  And we miss you!

Love notes to my boy...

Often I write about my struggles of the joy and grief rollercoaster.  Today, on Mother's Day, I want to write my boy, my son, my everything a little note...


Bud,


The second I knew of you, I loved you.  That moment of seeing the photo of our two tiny embryos being transfered to me...I loved you both with all of my heart.
Hearing "you're pregnant"...I cried.  Tears of utter joy and hope.
Seeing you and your brother's heart beats...I was lost...to love.
Feeling you both kicking up a storm inside of me...I was in awe.

There you two are!  Evan and Zac on transfer day!

So many years of negatives...SO excited to see positive!

Yes, our journey has not been a typical journey.  Yes, we have both lost...me, a son; you, your brother.  But we honor his fight for both of us...and we shower each other in love!

In Memory of Zac Michael

Earthly snuggles while saying "see you again".  Thanking Zac for his fight for you and me buddy!  He fought for us!

I waited over 10 years to be a part of Mother's Day.  I had many tearful days, and many Mother's Days where I would go in to emotional shut down and hiding.  I wondered.  I prayed.  I screamed.  I fought.  I struggled.  I hoped. 


I will never understand the struggle, but I will always be grateful for you. 
I will hide many scars, but I will NEVER hide my love for you!
I may ache, but I will love...unending and without limit.
And as the years go, we may have our disagreements and arguements...but it will never change my love for you. 
You are precious.  You are a gift we never dreamed of.  You are more than I ever knew I wanted...needed.  When I look at you I see life.  I see dreams.  I see future.  I see a world of chance and opportunity for you. 
When I pray for you, I pray for peace, for love, for hope, for wisdom, for a kind and tender heart, for compassion, for fairness, for the strength to choose right over wrong.  I pray for the people who will enter your life.  That they will be an encouragement, not a discouragement.  I pray they will build character, not tear it down.  I pray that they honor your faith, not cause you to question it.  I pray that they will respect you as you will respect them.
I pray for the woman that God is preparing for you.  Your wife.  Your best friend.  I pray that she will cherish you, honor you, help you through lifes ups and downs.  I pray that she will look at you with eyes of love and admiration all the days of your lives.  I pray that you cherish her more than a princess.  That you never stop showing her how proud you are to have her at your side.
For whatever, and who ever God places in your path, I pray that their lives will be forever touched by you.  By the kindness of your heart. 
I pray that when my time on earth comes to an end, you will remember me with love and respect.  That you will never have for a second questioned my love and loyalty to you.
That you will know without a doubt how truly, very proud I am of you. 
That as you would drift off to sleep, I would pray over you, and shed tears of pure gratitude and love for you.  That you will carry on each of your days living them in your best.  That you would not let sadness or sorrow hold you captive in your yesterdays, but will help you forge ahead in your tomorrows.
You are more precious than words can ever express.
You are loved by mommy and daddy more than you will ever comprehend.
We are so very proud and so very, very, VERY honored to by your parents.


On May 11, 2009...we heard words we waited so long to hear..."Evan can go home today!". 
After 66 looooooong days in NICU, we were finally able to bring you home!
What an emotional day it was. 
We knew leaving those doors meant leaving the only place we got to be with your brother.  That leaving that unit, we would leave a part of our hearts for many reasons. 
We were excited, and nervous. 
You still weren't even 5 pounds!  We had to rig your car seat just right to be able to get you home!
I will never, ever forget that day.  It felt like your discharge check up would take forever.  I kept wondering if they would find some other reason to have you stay longer.  But we were piled up with information pamphlets, with all your extra items from your basinette drawer, your clothes, milk that was stored there...we had a LOT to take home.  But all we cared about was that you were COMING HOME!
It still feels so surreal!  Walking out those doors.  My heart soared, though another part of my heart ached knowing we were coming home without Zac too.  That was and is reality.  But it didn't mean that I couldn't enjoy every moment of walking out of that hospital with you.  After 4 months of living at the hospital between my 5 weeks before you boys were born, and then your 66 days in NICU...I never went a day without being at that hospital!  So, yes...leaving was bitter-sweet....but I was glad to be going home...with you between us!

Ever so tiny in your car seat!  Just under 5 pounds!

Our final walk through the hospital coridor.  Together!  Going home!

Snuggled in your own basinette!  You were so unbelievably tiny in there!!  We would just stare at you and watch you breathe!

From that point on, life has been a treasured gift.  Of waking to your sweet voice.  Of watching you growing FAR too fast!  Of seeing the drive and strength you possess.  Watching you wanting to learn about everything.  Watching you exploring.  Feeling your little arms around my neck, and your hand in mine.  I am so truly blessed and grateful to hear you call me mommy.  My heart overflows with love, and my eyes can't contain the tears of thankfulness.


You are so precious.  Don't EVER doubt my love for you.  I will never give you a reason to ever doubt..  I am with you always.  I will always be your cheering section.  I will always have your back.
You are my heart and soul.  And nothing will ever take that away or change that.


I am thankful for these 3 years years we've had together.  I am grateful to God for Him sparing your life.  He has such a special purpose and plan for your life...and I will be praying as you discover what that plan is!  I will never stop praying for you and over you.


I love you my sweet boy.  I love you more than you will ever know!  And I will never stop!!!!

Holding mommy's finger.  Such a teeny tiny hand!

Our very first snuggle with our 2 pound wonder.  4 days old (28m 5d gestational age!)

Some kangaroo time!

Moving ahead 3 years!  Now you are intrigued with catching all kinds of bugs.  I now have to put on a brave face!  Here you are desperately trying to catch some ants!

On a walk a few days ago.  Some piggy-back time and some cuddles!

Look at you growing up!  It's hard to imagine how quickly you are growing!  From 2 pounds, to riding a 2-wheeler bike with training wheels!  Wow...

Forever my pal!!!  xoxoxoxo