Thursday, November 5, 2009
"Try using the word died when talking about Zac..."
That's right. That's the advice I was given at my last counselling session. Hmmmmm. My psychologist said he notices that when I speak of Zac it is "passed away" or "didn't make it". Never "died". And he said that the topic of death and the words death/died, etc. make people uncomfortable, and that I should try incorporating the word. I can't remember the full reasoning because at that point I zoned out and got annoyed. But then a very strong realization hit...I don't think of my son as "dead". I think of him as more alive today than I will ever know a day on this earth!! My son lives in eternity, and one day we will be together. For now I can finally hold on to a realization that allows me to breath when I think of him. God did not allow my son to die three days after his birth...He allows Zac to live for eternity. That thought smacked me so hard as I left my session and sat in my car. And today on one of my support sites a friend of mine shared a passage from a father who made the same realization after asking God why He would allow his child to die minutes after her birth. God did not allow her to live just minutes, He allowed her to live for eternity. It still doesn't take away the very real pain of not having our son here with us, and not watching him growing along side his twin brother. But...I have that mental thought now. If time is a blink of an eye in heaven, then by the time he turns around to see if I'm there...I will be! We do not live as those without God. We do not live with death being the final page. We live with the peace of knowing death on this earth is the beginning of life! Not only will I see Zac, but I will also finally meet our precious identical twins too! My home in heaven is filled with the children I miss here on earth. Another sad realization hit me as I talked to my psych. I realize that there are people who may think that I should not have such sadness and sorrow because I at least have Evan here with me. And that realization of that makes me ache. There is no way for anyone to understand the pain of this tug-0f-war if they have not walked it, and in no way do I EVER wish it on anyone!! No loss at any stage is easy. And no loss, regardless of the amount of children a person has, means that one will hurt less. One child does not take the place of the other. I am a mother who is in love with her living son, but also her son in heaven whom I no longer get to see here on earth. I am a mother who has to walk the line of joy AND sorrow. But you know what...I used to be a person who thought this way towards others. I am ashamed to even admit that!!! I used to think that when a person experienced a loss that at least they had other children to help get them through. And now I know first hand how very untrue that is! And like I say...I am ashamed that I even thought that way, but I also understand. I think it was because I was so angry in my own infertility and ultimately just didn't understand because here I was just longing for a child. It's strange, because now when I hear of multiples and especially when I run in to twins...I feel that same ache I felt when I had no children. But not a selfish ache...just the ache in having to face what has happened and the ache of watching other twin siblings playing together and me aching for Evan. These are difficult realizations to make. But it is bound to happen. And I sure hope people don't assume that because I talk of the sadness for Zac that it means I don't have joy with Evan. Oh my...what I would I do without my little clown Evan! He makes me laugh every day and fills my heart with such joy. Life would never be the same without my little man! He is my buddy, and he is the air I breathe! Even when tears may fall as I hold him while rocking him to sleep and I find myself missing Zac...Evan fills me with a love I never knew. I continue to speak of Zac because Zac continues to live in me. Anyhow, just babbling tonight and writing down some of my own realizations.