Some days more than others...

Some days sting way more intense than others. Today is one of those days. Even though it is filled with laughter and love and gratitude...today includes pangs and grief and the never-ending question of "why?"

Today we needed to go buy new dog pillows, so off to Costco we all went...including the dogs. Tag has to be under our watchful eye, so it is easier just to take both him and Bailey. Tag had a blood vessel burst in one of his ears that pooled in the lobe and needed to be drained. It has been a process. And he was doing good, but the wrapping had to be replaced and Tag is super high anxiety at the vet...so Brett was given the items needed to do it at home...including pills to sedate Tag. And this time he is having a rough time coming out of the sedation. We knew with his age and because he had been sedated twice last week already that another sedation would be tough...but we had no choice. Now looking back I wish we had just gotten an anxiety pill to calm him instead of sedating him. He is very lethargic and just not himself. We are trying to get him moving and once he is up he is a bit better and happier to be outside, but it's getting him up and just knowing that he is not himself.

ANYHOW, that just adds to the mood of the day. And you would think that finally a day of sun would bring nothing but smiles and joy...and don't get me wrong, it does...but today is just tough.

At Costco I was faced with two sets of twins. And it makes me realize more and more...it will NEVER get easier or "better". Anyone who tries to tell me it will...sorry...I don't agree. Maybe DIFFERENT, but NEVER better or easier.

I found myself averting my line of view from them, and going the opposite direction. What can I say...it is the coping mechanism I need for now. Because without it...I will fall apart.

My heart was in my throat, my chest hurt, my head spun. I just scooped up Evan and hugged him and told him how much I love him.

Yup...it's one of those days.

Evan is doing wonderfully. He got a glowing review at his "18th" month check up with our family doctor. Which is always nice. He is almost now 24 pounds. My doctor and I had a good laugh because we were talking about his weight (I was saying I thought he'd be heavier than what the scale was saying) and she said at 18 months a child should have doubled their birth weight and then she said "he has, hasn't he?"...then I started laughing and she looked at his birth weight and started laughing and said "ummm, ya, 2 lb 9ou birth weight...I would say he has doubled it!"

He is jabbering even more and figuring out words, which can be pretty funny. The other day he threw his spoon and some breakfast on the floor and before I had a chance to say "no!" he looked at me and shook his finger and said "no no!!" I was at my parents when this happened, and the three of us just burst out laughing! How can you NOT laugh at that one!!! I'm all about correction and manners...but this one even warranted a gut laugh from me!! At least he knew what my response to his action was going to be!!! What a turkey I have!!

He is a boys boy all the way. Loves rocks and anything mechanical. We were over at my niece's 3rd birthday last night and Evan found Fin's play tool work bench and he had every button figured out and how to screw one of the plastic screws with the screwdriver!

However...he then had to check out Brighton's make-up station that she got for her birthday! hee hee hee hee.

I marvel at Evan every day. He has a spirit and determination in him very much like how I once saw myself. I know my parents say he is very much like how I was with the "I can do it myself" attitude. And I like that!

He holds a strength and will that I pray he NEVER lets go of!

I am very proud of who my son is growing in to. Occassional tantrums and all!

I love my son...and I miss my son. All wrapped up in one. And again, I sit here picturing Evan safely and soundly asleep in his crib...and look at my window and am faced with the sight of the cemetery where Zac's earthly body lays. I smile, and I weep all in the same action.

I want to go scoop Evan up and just hold him in my arms....and I want to go and scoop Zac up and hold him in my arms.

I am greatful that when Evan awakes from his nap I will hear his warning cry to "rescue" him...but I ache that I never heard Zac's voice...and never will.

Like I say...it's one of those days. But no matter the pain...I will smile. I will remember each of the 28 weeks and 1 day that I carried both of my sons, feeling them move, and watching them grow. I will remember the honor of hearing Zac with the hiccups during NST tests and hearing both of their beautiful heart beats. Oh how I wish I could go back and have recorded those sounds on my camera. I kick myself every day. But it is deeply ingrained in my mind. I will never forget those sounds!!

I will never forget the time we were given to hold Zac and kiss him and love him and talk to him. And I will never forget the moment or the feeling knowing my son was no longer breathing...his heart no longer beating against my chest.

But today I will embrace what we were given, and have been given.

My boys are my everything.

Yesterday, today and forever...I am blessed to be called mommy to all my children!

We are soon going to be doing our family photos again. It's always a fun, yet hard time for me. It's always hard not to have my eyes glistening with tears in the photos.

I look forward to it though. Look forward to capturing the three of us...and even though the picture does not show the spot where our Zac is...all you need to do is look at our chests....because he is right there in each of our hearts.

Well, I'm going to go check on my sweet dog Tag and pray that he will soon come out of this state. I am worried, because he is older, and because I just can't picture saying goodbye to my sweet boy just yet. And then I think we need to take advantage of this nice weather!

Hugs to you all, and praying each of you are blessed today!