Thoughts...

I love this picture...looks like the two of them are so deep in conversation! Evan getting a hair cut from Grandma. First official one since his poor little head had to keep getting patches shaved to accomodate IV's in NICU. This one was much more pleasant! Evan snacking on his ride.

My lil' monkey up in a tree...with his cousins foot in the picture! :)

I love how photogenic Evan is. But since he has had a camera in his face since day one of his life...it can only be expected. I LOVE how when he sees the camera now he stops cold and says "cheeeeeze". Love it!!

Well, I finally put together Evan's wagon. It was a baby shower gift, and one I thought was super genius!! I would have never thought to get a wagon! But I love it.

Admittedly...I wouldn't look at the box for a loooooooong time. Even the phrase of the title on the box "A wagon for two...or more" just hurt too much. Because I knew this special wagon that SHOULD have held my two would not. And for that fact...as with anything that holds the word "twin" in it...I had to block it from my mind for a while.

But last week I decided it was time!! Before Evan outgrew it! And it deserved to be used because it is so awesome!

My nephew has been at my mom's last week and this week so Evan and I have been spending our days over there playing. It has been fun for both of us! But especially Evan getting to spend so much time with his cousin. Mason is 4 months younger than Evan.

On Friday we took the boys for a walk in the wagon...and I have to admit...looking back as I pulled them was such a typical bitter-sweet stab to my heart. It was hard for me to look back and see these two sweet boys in the wagon. SO glad that Evan has someone to share the other seat with...but SOOOO hard knowing Zac will never be the other partner.

However...it was still fun to watch the two of them just as proud as could be in that wagon! :)

I have to admit that my heart has been in my throat a few times, and I have had to fight unbelievably hard to control tears that suddenly spring to my eyes as I watch Evan and Mason together.

I have to admit that it's hard not to see them together and wonder what life would have been like..SHOULD have been like with Zac here.

I have to admit that time to time I have to quickly walk around a corner or go to the bathroom to regroup and pull myself together.

I don't feel depressed...but admittedly I feel like our lives were cheated.

I feel torn. Not depressed, not all wierd or anything like that...just always that blasted bitter-sweet.

I LOVE watching Evan and Mason together. Last week Evan walked in to my parents house and went straight to Mason and got on all fours and put his head on Mason and gave him a kiss. Ya...talk about breaking my heart...in a mushy way! It was adorable!

I am glad that Evan has Mason who is so close in age. I am so glad for Fin and Brighton...Evan's cousins. Because they are all 5 and under and it's so fun to have them in a good age group together. It's very special to me.

I always wondered if we would ever be a part of the "family" setting even within my family. I always wondered if we would EVER have children to play with my brother's kids, or to call my parents "grandma (or as Evan says - mama)" or "grandpa (which Evan calls papa)".

So many times I felt so broken and empty and alone and like a self-inflicted outcast.

I adore my nephew and niece and Fin and Brighton got me through some really tough times. I was able to love on them and feel a bit more fulfilled.

Now with Evan and Mason becoming fast buddies...I couldn't ask for more. Well...I COULD, but I won't because I can't change the reality of our lives and the loss of Zac. But I'm VERY happy that Evan has a bud that he can grow with and get in to mischief with.

I am so grateful for my nephews and my niece. I am so grateful that my brothers and their wives never had to experience what Brett and I have had to experience. I am glad that they don't know what it's like to lose a child or have difficulty conceiving a child.

Because honestly...infertility SUCKS!! And watching a child pass away will change the very core of who you are.

I look at the kids all together...and I smile. I smile with such sincerity and with such proud auntie/mommy love that I feel like I could explode some days.

I feel blessed.

No matter the sorrow and sadness in our lives...I feel blessed. We ARE blessed.

Life will always hold a sting for me...and that's the way it will be.

The other day Brett said to me (upon my admittance of having a tough time watching Evan and Mason and missing Zac so much) "I just don't know how to make it hurt less"...and honestly...no one ever can. And I think that's okay.

I'm just so lucky that I have Brett and family to love me through it. Family who never leave my side. These people who allow me to hurt, and then help pick me up.

They don't expect perfection. They don't expect I'm "all better". They don't make me feel guilty or bad about myself for the tough days.

And that is what love and support is.

ANYHOW, on a completely different note...I'm SOOOOOO annoyed of all the noise and MESS of living in a new development. The house beside us (right beside Evan's bedroom window) is now going up, and at 7:30am this morning the banging and noise began. Out my back they area is now undergoing development so there are trucks, tractors, graders and diggers of all sorts plowing and moving earth and leveling things. No matter where I turn...noise, dirt, mud, dust, construction. Ugh.

I keep hearing "it will get better, and it will be so nice in the end"...but when exactly is the END?? It's only the beginning, and it's going to take a loooooong time before it's what the "vision" is to be.

In the meantime it's frustrating and messy!

I was really worried about how Evan would EVER nap again with the noise outside his window, but amazingly he went down for a nap and has been sleeping through all the banging!! PHEEEEEEEW!!!!! That makes this momma VERY happy!

EWWWWWWW, I have the news on right now (well, that's the chanel the TV ended up on and has stayed there) and the heading was "you won't believe what is used to make makeup..."

I HAVE to watch this part. Although I think it's going to make me ill!!!

What I can't understand is WHY so much garbage and horribly unsafe and unhealthy ingredients go in to things that are supposed to help you feel "beautiful". Is it a matter of companies just using the cheapest garbage in order to make a profit? Wouldn't you, as a developer of these products think to yourself as you are pouring and mixing all these disgusting things together stop and say "this is toxic and why am I supporting this? Why am I CREATING this?"

Ugggggg.

Here we go with the "gross details".

Placenta from cattle, insect parts, dried whale vomit (brings out aromas in high end French fragrances), red lipstick contains ground up beetles (ARE YOU KIDDING ME???) and is in over 300 colors of lipstick, the gloss in nail polish can be ground up fish scales, facial cleansers holds fat scraped from cattle carcass.

However a dermetologist says that of the products are typically "safe".

ARRRRGGGGGHHHHHHH, so, I also just heard that some hair products contain the after birth or placenta from cow or sheep that contain hormones that could seep through the skin and potentially disrupt OUR HORMONES!!!

EWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW DISGUUUUUUUUUUUUUSTING!!!!!

And now I sit here and wonder why I'm not surprised that so many women are dealing with hormone imbalances.

NOW, I'd like to know the actual NAME of that ingredient so that I can avoid it at ALL COST!!!

This was from the Detroit news.

OK, so now that I've grossed everyone out and taken my post from one extreme to another...

I think I am going to sign off and go through the list of ingredients of all my make up products and shampoo!! BLECK!!!!