This one was tough...

Evan's first visit to his brother's grave site.

Today was a tough one. It has been a decent day all in all, but after a lunch date with Brett I had planned to take Evan to the cemetery to bring some flowers to brighten up Zac's plot. Obviously I had planned this visit since I had my camera with me. But this was also the very first visit for Evan to Zac's grave site. I had tried one other time when Evan was teeny weeny, but the mosquitos were so bad I couldn't take him out of the vehicle. That was last year. But today, I thought why not. The weather isn't getting any better, and I want this to be something that Evan comes to know...visits to his brother's grave site with mommy...healing together. Evan of course had fun playing with all the items around Zac's grave. And I let him. He sat beside Zac's marker...and there it was...the picture moment. And it hurt. It was tough. But also special to have this moment WITH Evan. As we left Zac's spot and I put Evan in his car seat...it hit...HARD. The unmistakable blow to my heart. I had the priviledge of putting Evan in his car seat...but never Zac. Zac is not beside Evan. Not on this earth anyhow. But he is always in our hearts. I refuse to have melt downs in front of Evan. He is already in tune with a persons emotions and the last thing I wanted to have him see was his mommy breaking down. But as I spoke with Evan, my voice choked up...and I couldn't hide the few tears that escaped. Evan just looked at me with a confused look...a tender look. I told him that mommy was fine, and that tears just show we are real and that they are okay. I gave him a hug and kiss, and we drove away. My chest hurts now. My head aches. My heart breaks. My sweet precious Evan is tucked safely in bed napping. My sweet precious Zac is playing freely in the streets of heaven. A while ago I bought this little book called Prayers for Families, and I was scanning through and found this prayer: "Thank You for granting our request and blessing us with a beautiful family. We give our children back to You, Father. We ask that You would use each one for Your glory. Amen." I prayed that prayer every day when I found out I was pregnant. I knew my babies were gifts from God...but ultimately HIS children. I never thought that I would literally have to give yet a third child back to God so very soon. And it hurt. And it has always been a point of confusion and anger to me...but each of our children have always been first and foremost God's. We just got the honor of knowing them for the time we had. And I have the pure blessing and honor of carrying on life with our Evan. And I couldn't be more thankful. All I can pray is that Zac's short life DID and DOES touch lives. That Evan's life continues to touch lives and that all that God has planned for his sweet life will be filled with hope and honor to God for the miracle of life. I pray for strength to be the mommy he needs, the mommy he deserves. I pray for wisdom to lead him in ways that will be a blessing to others. I am broken. I am greatful. I am pained. I am joyful. I am a mother living a life of rejoicing and grieving. I love my boys. And am greatful for both of them and for what I am learning through each of them.