I am still confident of this:
I will see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living.
Wait for the Lord;
be strong and take heart
and wait for the Lord
Psalm 27: 13-14

Sunday, October 10, 2010


It's hard to believe that just over 3 years ago this time we underwent our first IVF transfer, and six weeks later we learned of our sweet identical twins, Jack and Ethan and the loss of our sweet Whisper.

Three years seems like a long time ago, yet it feels like yesterday.  I can remember that Thanksgiving so clearly.  I was uncomfortable from the procedure from overstimulating, and tired...but hopeful.  We had dinner with Brett's sister and her family in Calgary.  And then we made the treck back home...not knowing our three littles had indeed nestled in :) 
My sadness is as close to me as it was when we learned of the loss of our babies...but I can actually look back at that short time of blissful happiness and smile.

Each Thanksgiving I AM thankful.  Last Thanksgiving stung bad...without Zac and our three other heaven bound angels...yet there we had Evan at dinner with us.  It hurt not to be sharing the day with all of our children.  It hurts every year, and every holiday.
Yet...I'm thankful.

I am thankful for the sweet precious boy who fills our life with joy.  I am thankful for the weeks we had with our first children.  I am thankful for the 28 weeks and a day that I got to carry both Evan and Zac.  I am thankful for the three days...no matter how agonizing...that we had to know our Zac and see his eyes and know that he KNEW we were there beside him.  He heard us, felt us, saw us...and I pray loved us.

I am thankful for an amazing husband who holds my hand and laughs and cries with me.  I love my husband.

No matter how painful our lives have become...I also love our life, and am greatful. 
We are learning about ourselves.  We are growing together.  We are a team...here on earth and in heaven.

I think of so many people who are hurting this Thanksgiving.  Who can't make sense of the pain.  I'm one of them.  But I no longer try to make sense.
This earth is but for a season of our lives.  Living...TRUE living is yet to come.
Those gone before us have left us with memories, with love, with sadness in the places where they will be missed.
But I believe we will be united again.  I believe that through the gift God gave us...we will be together.
Does it mean that loss won't hurt and we won't question why?  Nope.  Not at all.
Loss hurts.  We question.  It's what we do.

But God loves.  He holds us.  He carries us through.  He comforts us.  He guides us.  He welcomes us home when we've shoved Him aside.

Pain stinks.  Death stinks.  But death is not the end.  We will hurt on this earth.  We weren't meant to be comfortable here.  We're meant to make the most of this place while we are here. 
But we will still always wonder why lives are taken all too soon.  Why such a path of grief, pain and sorrow surround us as we try to process our pain.

I found this poem the other day, and would love to share it.  It's called The Broken Chain.
We knew little that morning that
God was going to call your name.
In life we loved you dearly, in death
we'll do the same.  It broke our hearts
to lose you, you did not go alone;
for part of us went with you, the
day God called you home.  You left us
peaceful memories, your love is still
our guide; and though we cannot see
you, you are always at our side.  Our
family chain is broken, and nothing
seems the same; but as God calls
us one by one, the chain will link again.

I pray for each person who is suffering this time of year.  I pray that peace will find its way to you.  That precious memories will flood each one of you.  I pray that kindness will find its way to you through others.  I pray that you never feel alone or forgotten.  I pray that you each day will bring new strength.  I pray that the questions and confusion do not cover you in darkness.  I pray that light will shine through shadows.
I pray that an angel crosses your path today to remind you that you are loved.
I pray these things for myself too!

1 comment:

  1. I forgot that it was Thanksgiving in Canada!!! Thinking of you at this holiday....

    I met with a woman in John's office the other day who lost her daughter to an asthma attack 14 years ago. She said , with tears in her eyes, that it still felt just like yesterday.

    I think that's probably going to hold true for us until we take our last breaths....

    Always sending you love and prayers...