I am still confident of this:
I will see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living.
Wait for the Lord;
be strong and take heart
and wait for the Lord
Psalm 27: 13-14

Monday, December 6, 2010

Three years ago today...we were faced with our first "good bye"...

Our 6 week ultra sound where we learned we had lost our little "Whisper", but were expecting identical twins!  This is the only ultra sound picture I have, and the only proof of their lives...therefore it is the picture I will post...again.

December 6, 2007 changed our lives forever.
December 6, 2007 we heard the for the FIRST time "your babies have died".
December 6, 2007 changed me.
December 6, 2007 is imprinted on me forever.

This was the day Brett and I joyfully entered my OB's office to see the 20 fingers, 20 toes, 4 eyes, 2 noses, 4 arms, 4 legs and 2 precious heart beats beating in sync.  I was around 12 weeks at this appointment.
Funny how looking back I was already numb before the appointment.  Looking back, even though I hadn't known I had miscarried...it was like my heart knew what to expect.  And as the doctor searched for our babies heart beats...the longer she took, the quicker I knew...we were doomed.  We had lost our first children. 
I had failed.

That's how I felt.  First I couldn't get pregnant without medical intervention.  Even though Brett and I were both deemed "perfect" on paper.  Second, we get pregnant...and I proceed to lose all our children...without even knowing it.
I felt like a failure.  Some days I still do.

These babies were wanted from the second they were fertilized in a petri dish.  These babies were prayed for every second from the moment they were transfered back inside me.  These babies were my dream for 8 years of trying.  These babies were a miracle.  They still are miracles.  They are still my babies.  Even if I only carried them for a short while before learning they were gone.  Even if I never got to see those fingers, toes, eyes, ears, noses, arms, legs, hearts...they are our children, and I miss them as much today as I did three years ago.

Yes...time softens the darkness that I felt those following days, weeks, months...years.  Yes, the tears are not as feverent every day...but they still fall.  And yes...Christmas is still tough because of the loss of our first children, and then Zac.

Love and joy have found a way back to me.  Don't get me wrong...it doesn't just happen.  That first year I wanted to give up.  After losing our babies I couldn't see past the blackness of my heart and the emptiness of my body.  But eventually I knew I had to make a choice...get up or give in.
And no matter what the future was to hold...I DID have a family in Brett.  We, even though at that time were a family of two...we were and will always be FAMILY.

The blessing of Zac and Evan was beyond our dreams, and we never would have imagined having to face a funeral of our own child as we never got to bury our first children.  Both were dark experiences. 
But we have been blessed with Evan.  Our hearts will always ache for our 4 other angels in heaven...but Evan is our angel on earth.  And for that I will smile, I will get up, I will fight for my today's and my tomorrow's.

I miss our babies every day.  But today...today was the day we heard the first experience of death in our own family.  Today, 3 years ago, we were told our babies no longer lived.

Yet...we know they do.

And one day we will all unite again.  And I pray that they will all love me as much as I have always loved them...even before they were ever conceived.


  1. Sweet friend....lifting you up and thinking about what a joyous, joyous reunion that will be. I was just thinking this morning about how jilted I felt with not having as many children as I've always wanted...how we probably will never have another child...how sad that all is.

    And then I thought that if I was really honest, I actually have TWO children--which is two more than I ever dreamed I would...and so I am grateful even if I have to wait until our deaths for all of us to be together. What a glad morning that will be!!

  2. Of course they love you so, so much!! That I have no doubt!! ((hug))