I am still confident of this:
I will see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living.
Wait for the Lord;
be strong and take heart
and wait for the Lord
Psalm 27: 13-14

Sunday, December 19, 2010

Zac's Christmas Wreath...

It is year two.  Year two of placing Zac's wreath...at the cemetery.  Instead of a stocking over the fireplace filled with little treats for him to go through beside his brother.
For some reason this year I struggled to get the wreath done and put out.  I guess a part of me didn't want to admit that I was doing this again.  Part of me fought with reality.
Last year I had it out by December 1st.  This year...I put it out just last week on a really cold day.  My fingers were numb with fastening the wreath to the wreath holder that is permanently left out there.
Well, first I had to shovel a path to Zac's plot from the road way.  That's one thing I always have in my car now...a little shovel, so I can get to my son.
So I shoveled the path, shoveled off Zac's plaque and set up his area in Christmas decorations.
Sad thing is...I haven't even set up a Christmas tree in our own home!  Usually I'm all over that!  But there has been a lot of work happening in our basement and Evan and I are actually rarely even around the house...so I justify it by saying we can enjoy my parents tree, and Brett's parents tree.
Well, I do have a wreath on my front door!  And my mom gave me a few things to help spruce up the house a bit.
It's not that I don't WANT to be in the holiday mood...I just have had NO TIME!!
But next year...next year I will make it up!!!!  I am determined!!

Yesterday Brett and I attended a wedding.  We only knew 2 people at the reception so we sat with them and the pastor who did the wedding ceremony.
After the service and before the reception I said to Brett "when people ask if we have any children...let me answer."  I know Brett would just say "one"...and I just can't deal with that.  For MY sake.  I get where he is coming from and I know it's that he isn't wanting to recognize Zac...it just gets hard explaining to people.
But for ME...I always tell the story.  Never to make others uncomfortable (and honestly, I don't care if my reality would make them uncomfortable) but I always answer in a way that includes both my sons.  I just wish I had the energy to include my sweet Whisper, Jack and Ethan in that too...
Sometimes the opportunity comes about, but since Evan is NOT a singleton baby, it's not right to not mention Zac.
ANYHOW, Brett was fine with that. 
And sure enough, as we were in line for the buffet the topic of Evan came up and the pastor asked if Evan was our only child and Brett instictively answered "yes", but I looked at the pastor and said "well, not technically.  Evan has a twin brother, but Zac passed away when he was 3 days old". 
The other couple that we knew at our table knows of Zac and Evan so the conversation carried over and the pastor asked questions and so did the wife of the other couple.  And although it was so painful to talk about things so "matter-of-fact"...it felt GOOD to have these two people ask genuine questions and share their sadness of our loss.  To have people ASK and talk about our sons and the journey we have been on.  To STAY ON the subject instead of quickly changing the subject.  And you know what...I just realized something that I appreciate even MORE about that conversation.  NEVER ONCE did either of them say "but at least you have Evan".  Yes, I have heard that one before, and it's a zinger.
So now that I realize this...my heart feels even MORE full of gratitude for these two who let me talk about BOTH my sons and have the conversation go on more than my explanation and their quick and panicked "I'm so sorry". 
It felt good.
I felt like Zac was truly recognized along side Evan...and that does this broken mommy heart good!
These people did a very special thing for me, and they don't even realize it!
And my heart felt full of love, and I can smile because last night both my sons were awed over!
That was a perfect Christmas gift to me!


  1. You're right. What a perfect gift.

  2. His wreath is lovely! I've been a procrastinator in the decorations this year compared to last year.

    I'm glad you got to have a conversation that people didn't immediately shy away from. I love having those!