I am still confident of this:
I will see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living.
Wait for the Lord;
be strong and take heart
and wait for the Lord
Psalm 27: 13-14

Friday, May 13, 2011

Back up and carrying on...

Well, my new laptop is ready to roll.  It's bizarre how much you realize you come to rely on technology.  And to be honest...the break has been good for me.  As much as it can be a good outlet for me, it can also be a huge distraction to the things that are important on a daily basis.  Life will be getting a little chaotic for a while, so updates may not be as frequent for the next few weeks...but we'll see.  I really don't even know who follows along with this blog of mine anymore anyhow.  I find it's more like an online journal for myself.

Evan is doing amazing.  Growing so fast.  Learning so much.  Talking up a storm.  Playing every sport he can.  He is one smart little guy!!  And he is my world!  He makes me laugh so much!!  I love that he loves to laugh.

Mother's Day was fun.  Brett, Evan and I went for breakfast and then just hung out.  Later I made a cake for me and my mom :)  hee hee hee.  It was fun!  And Evan sure had fun "helping" me out!
And I went and spent some time out at the cemetery taking down Christmas items around Zac's plot and adding some spring/summer items.  Then I just sat there.  I journaled.  I cried.  I smiled.  I watched the very busy cemetery as others were coming to visit their moms, grandmas, aunts.  It was very busy.  During my visit with Zac I was the only mom at that time visiting their child.  It's true...it felt so backwards.  He should be here.  My boys should be grown men visiting MY gravesite.  However, it is not how it is...so I made sure to reflect on every precious memory with both my sons wrestling and punching and kicking inside me.  Hearing Zac's hiccups during daily NST tests while in the hospital.  All the ultrasounds of my boys squirming all around. 

Today when I was reading my bible I decided to go to Job.  I like Job.  Job hits home to me.
I had LOTS highlighted since our journey of infertility and loss began.  And I chose to focus on three particular sections.  Let me share...

Job 6:11-13 "What strength do I have, that I should still hope?  What prospects, that I should be patient?  Do I have the strength of stone?  Is my flesh bronze?  Do I have any power to help myself, now that success has been driven from me?"

Job 8:5-7 "But if you will look to God and plead with the Almighty, if you are pure and upright, even now he will rouse himself on your behalf and restore you to your rightful place.  Your beginnings will seem humble, so prosperous will your future be."

Job 8:21 "He will yet fill your mouth with laughter and your lips with shouts of joy."

These sections have been really important to me.  Yet, since all that happened with Zac and Evan, I've come to be very cautious and careful in how I choose to interpret scripture.  Sometimes I wonder if I just choose the sections that fit my current situation and desire to read what I need to hear.  I don't know. 

The first section of these scriptures speak volumes about how I've been feeling about myself lately and wondering about the future.  I've struggled to have hope in dreams that still resonate within me.  I've been scared to hope.  Patients??  Well, I guess I struggle always with that since it took 8 years to get pregnant the first time, only to lose our twins.  Then to be blessed with Zac and Evan, only to rupture with Zac at 23wks and deliver at 28wks...and then hold Zac in my arms as he left this earth. 
Yes...hope became a scary word to me.  Yet...looking at my sweet precious Evan...how do I NOT hope!!  And believe!
Sometimes I feel like I'm supposed to have the emotions of stone and skin thick as an elephants.  And how do I help myself?!  OH YA...I have no control over the future. 

The second section is a bit hard for me.  I'm not sure how "pure" and "upright" I am.  So why would I deserve such a prosperous future? 

The third section of scripture was a section of scripture that I read after we lost our first babies, and desired to believe in it...and then came Zac and Evan.  Then after Zac passed away...I held on to that verse so I wouldn't get lost in my grief and sorrow...and remember that I have much to greatful for. 

It's hard sometimes because I can feel so vulnerable when I open myself to scripture and knowing it is from God to me.  I want to protect myself from believing it is saying something to me that I WANT it to say to me...not necessarily what it really is meant.  Sometimes I find it confusing.  But really...mostly I find it very comforting and encouraging and strengthening.  Like in any relationship...communications can be crossed and misunderstood and misinterpreted...and yes, there are times where we can do that with God's word...but ultimately I believe what has been given to us from God.  His love, His word...His truth.
I know the doubts come from the enemy. 

And that is when we dig deeper, read further, and hold on to the truth.


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