Then things happened. And I began to question the value of "hope".
As always...the very confusing emotions a grieving mother yet a rejoicing mother.
I put "hope" on the shelf. I figured...what's the point. It hurts too much to hope. The things that I hope for may never come to be. And if I hope, and those dreams are never fullfilled...how will I manage without resenting feeling hopeful. Without feeling gullible or niave?
Ah yes...the tainted heart of a grieving mother.
And then...the fight of a mother who watches her surviving son live life to the fullest. Watching him in amazement of who is becoming, from where he once began. And it blows my mind.
How do I not hold on to hope.
When we lost our first babies I lived in the book of Job. I felt like Job...the mourning Job, the Job who seemed to have everything taken away. I read Job faithfully and tried to believe that I too could have a life after loss.
My last post shows the three passages that seem to have been my "Job Journey". But tonight I read another passage that I REALLY needed to read. It is 2 Chronicles 20:15-17.
My short version of this passage that really hit home with me is as follows:
"Do not be afraid or discouraged because of this vast army. For the battle is not yours, but God's. Tomorrow march down against them. You will not have to fight this battle. Take up your positions; stand firm and see the deliverance the Lord will give you; O Judah and Jerusalem. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged. Go out to face them tomorrow, and the Lord will be with you.
Intense. Very intense. And so what I needed. I needed that kick in the pants.
I am a stresser. I am a worrier. I create the negative scenarios in my mind of things that have not even come to be yet. I assume the heart-break.
I think it is a coping mechanism. I think if I assume the "worst", then if it doesn't happen and things turn out good...then I can really feel true relief and rejoicing.
I know that must sound so twisted. So "not Christian". So very jaded.
But I really have just always thought of it as being "safe".
If you don't expect too much...then the pain of the fall doesn't hurt AS bad. So I once thought.
I don't like living like that. I've never thought of myself as a jaded pessimist. I've never wanted to be that kind of person. And on the surface and to those around me...I probably don't seem like that kind of person. And really, I don't think that I am 100% of the time like that. I think that "coping mechanism" kicks in when I feel like my heart is going to be threatened by more sadness or disappointment.
But that is not what I want my son seeing in me. I don't want him seeing a person who is afraid of the unknown. A person who would rather build brick walls around her heart IN CASE she MIGHT be hurt instead of having a heart open to the possibility of good things and blessings.
I have a study Bible. I like the stories from others that they share. The other day I stumbled across one titled "Crisis of Faith" by Jim Conway. I love the last line in what he shared. It again hit home to me. He said "I realized if I trusted myself there would be nothing but despair, because I could not control life. SO THE ONLY VIABLE OPTION WAS TO TRUST GOD."
Wow...it's a hard thing for a control-person to do. It is something I have to focus on EVERY day. I CAN NOT CONTROL MY LIFE!!!! Yes, I can control what I eat, when I exercise, when I clean, my attitude with my husband and my son (well, sometimes there is a loss of control in that one that I then have to eat humble-pie!!). But I can not control future. I can not control the unknown. I can not control many things in the unknown future of my life. And...the control person in me HATES that fact. I NEED to be able to "fix" things, and control what happens to me. But ummmmmm...I CAN'T!! It never works. Because I do not KNOW my future. I know the dreams and hopes and prayers and desires...but I have no idea if that is what God has planned for me, for us. And that scares me...because if it isn't...I know my heart will hurt, and I will question "why not me? why not us?" once again. And I don't want to do that.
But it's true...the only viable option is to trust God...because He holds our future. He has great things for us, whether that includes OUR dreams and desires or not. But we will live the life God will choose for us.
I guess in that we DO have a choice. Accept God's plan, or not. Live to fullfill God's purpose for our lives...or not.
I can't imagine life being very fullfilling if I am walking away from the life God has provided. No matter the pain. No matter the loss. No matter the struggle to joy.
I'm glad that I stumbled across 2 Chronicles. I'm glad, because it truly IS what I needed to read for my tomorrow! I'm thankful for God's word. The key is to hold on to it...good or bad. When the bumps come (and they will), that is when the real battle of holding to God's word comes. And I'm tired of turning my head from His word when the bumps come...because honestly...without His word, the bumps really bring bruises with them when there is no comfort from God to cushion the blow.