I am still confident of this:
I will see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living.
Wait for the Lord;
be strong and take heart
and wait for the Lord
Psalm 27: 13-14

Sunday, May 1, 2011

Everything beautiful...

Well, my new laptop has STILL not arrived.  Very annoyed with DELL computers!!!!!!  Status said my initial laptop was shipped and then when Brett checked in on where it was he was told it was BACK ORDERED!!  So...they lied!  It was never shipped.  Oh well.  New one is supposed to arrive around May 9th.  I'm annoyed!

I have pictures that I want to share, but still am not able to because I can't even download them until the laptop arrives.  I've wanted to do a proper update, but still have not been able to do so.

HOWEVER, I have Brett's work laptop tonight so I just wanted to share the lyrics of one (of many) songs that has been a true encouragement to me lately.  It's off a CD called I Will Praise You by Rececca St. James.  Highly recommend this CD.
The song is called YOU MAKE EVERYTHING BEAUTIFUL based on the scripture Ecclesiates 3:11.

Grant me serenity to accept things, The things I cannot change.  Grant me the courage, Lord, to change what I can.  Wisdom to know the difference.  In my weakness You can shine.  In Your strength I can fly and - You make everything, everything beautiful.  You make everything, everything new.  You make everything, everything beautiful.  In its time, in Your time, it's beautiful.  Grant me serenity, Lord, and patience.  For things will take time.  Grant me freedom to walk a new path, and let me feel Your love.  In my weakness You can shine.  In Your strength I can fly and Lifting open hands to You my Savior, Beautify my soul knowing You redeem my pain and failure.  Purify my soul.  Beautify my soul.

We all have our stories.  We all have our valleys and our mountain peaks.  We all have sorrows and joys.  We all cry, and we all laugh.  But I pray that God will use my valleys, my sorrows and my tears to shine to someone else.  To encourage another soul.  That my heart breaks would make me more sensitive and empathetic to others.  To remember that not everyone lives unscathed.  To be gentle on those who need a gentle touch, and to be a shoulder for those who feel weak.

I know I have been the one in need of all the above.  And in the moments where I've felt alone...I now realize even more than ever...I haven't been.  Even though I've screamed at God and pushed at Him and questioned Him and in the moments where I've doubted my faith...He has never left my side.  He has once again waited patiently.  He has once again kept walking along my side.  He has once again been the arms to hold me up when all that is within me crumbles to the ground.
He is the one who has brought laughter to my soul.  He is the one who has whispered gently words of love and encouragement.  And once again...He has welcomed me back with open arms.
He has once again "redeemed my pain and failure".  My soul still needs MUCH beautifying, but we'll get there.  I still have MANY brick walls around my heart...but the mortar is starting to chip away.  I still have reserved hopes, yet at least hope has become a word I can appreciate again.

As for Evan...he is doing WONDERFUL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  He is a boy of all boys.  Fearless, daring, ridiculously in to all types of sports now (especially motorbikes now!)...he knows no boundaries in what he thinks he can do.  I admire that!  I hope he never loses that...even though my heart is often in my throat.  He is such a little comic!  Quiet the chatter box.  He loves singing his ABC's and counting (he has done well with up to eleven and then skips here and there).  He sings Happy Birthday to everyone and everyTHING!  As of yesterday he is all about singing "O Canada" over and over.  Literally just those two words of the song, although today Brett got him to sing the whole first line!  It's a riot!!
He is an outdoors kid, and we take many outings. 
He is growing like a weed, and is actually feeling like he may be gaining more weight.  He is a Macfarlane...tall and lean.  But when I carry him...my arms are starting to tire much faster!  And that's GREAT! 
I want to get him in to swimming lessons.  I think he'd LOVE that. 
He loves playing with Playdoh and his markers.  He helps me unload the dishwasher.  It's now all about "Evan doooo!" - socks, shoes, jackets, shirts...anything.
And then he is also my greatest little snuggle buddy!!  He melts my heart.  He still wants to "climb" up in my arms and snuggle in to my neck.  He wants to snuggle in the glider chair at nap and bed time, even though his legs hang right off because he is so long.  He puts my face in his hands and gets this grin on his face and looks at me and says "I luv you very very very much."  He is my heart and soul.  He brings me joy and laughter and a feeling of pride.

Today we went and flew kites.  I had bought two.  At one point Brett had anchored his down and let it just fly and he and Evan disappeared on a walk while I manned both kites!  It was so fun to fly a kite again!  It's so fun blowing bubbles and doing sidewalk chalk, and picking up stones on a walk, and seeing things with new eyes.

We went for a walk around a new park the other day and I realized that park is right next to the cemetery where Zac "is".  So...Evan and I took an extended walk to say "hello".  Evan blew kisses and told Zac "I luv you!"
There is just something in hearing him say that.  Heart breaking, yet heart warming.  Knowing we will never hide Zac from Evan or what happened. 

Anyhow, I suppose I should sign off until my new laptop arrives.  It's getting late, and I need to get a few things done before I can head to bed.

Blessings to you all!!

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