Wave of Light - Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day...

Began the day with a visit with my lil' angel

No matter the painful circumstance...with God, we are never alone

Remembering our angels - "Whisper", Jack and Ethan, and Zac

Jack and Ethan, our identical twins.  The second bottom sac is where Whisper began...

An amazing moon hanging over the cemetery where Zac "rests"

"I THANK MY GOD EVERY TIME I REMEMBER YOU..." - Phil 1:3

GOD SEES EVERY TEAR

No heart breaks alone,

for God is always near,

And when a prayer is whispered,

He's always there to hear...

When sorrow's overwhelming,

He comforts tenderly,

For not a single tear will fall,

that the Father doesn't see.

God Himself will be with them; he will wipe every tear from their eyes. - Revelations 21:3-4

Today was International Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day.  At 7pm, in each time zone, candles were lit to remember the lives of the little ones far too many of us have had to endure losing.

I started my day event with a visit to Zac's grave.  I wrote him a note, left some fresh flowers and talked to him about all the things his brother is learning and doing.  I blew kisses to heaven for all our babies, and headed home.

Tonight, at 7pm, I lit my candles.  You see a bar of 7.  For my four angels, for my twin sisters Catherine and Michelle, and the 7th candle for all the angels playing in heaven with my babies.

Then as I was getting Evan ready for bed, I looked out the window and saw the biggest, most colorful moon hanging over the cemetery.  And it couldn't have been more fitting.  I wish I could have captured the true beauty and color and depth of that moon in my picture.  But, it was breath-taking!

Every day I remember my babies.  Every day is remembrance day.  But it is nice to know that there is an internationally recognized day for these sweet babies, regardless the stage of their growth or age.  We don't have to "hide" our losses.  We can "celebrate" together, all over the world, as baby-loss families.  We are not alone.

So tonight, I remember each angel, not only of my own, but those who have touched my lives through their stories through other moms who have had the courage and love to share their child's story.

I remember with you.  

Mommy loves you, Whisper, Jack, Ethan and Zac.  You are in every breath I take, and every beat of my heart!  You are always with me!

"God himself will be with them; he will wipe every tear from their eyes" - Revelations 21:3-4

You are not alone...and our children are NEVER forgotten!

Blessings to us all!

Thanksgiving Frenzy...

Prepping my first ever Thanksgiving Turkey!! 

YUUUUUMMMMMMMMM!!!

 

Self-explanatory!  More YUMMMM!

My pie frenzy to boot!  Cranberry-Apple, Pumpkin...and for my older brother...Chocolate Cream Pie!

Then, today, my first ever home made Turkey Pot Pie...WITH home made crust!!

Yes, Thanksgiving was busy this year!  I decided to host dinner for my family...and it was so fun!  I did recruite my sister-in-law too who brought some yummy dishes as well!!!  But I did my FIRST EVER turkey...stuffing and all!!  The house smelled glorious...and I was surprisingly organized and had everything well timed...until I realize I still hadn't gotten MYSELF ready!!  

It was fun to be able to give my mom a year off!  Fun to have my house filled with everyone.  And Evan had a RIOT with his cousins!  

I have so very much to be thankful for.  A wonderful, supportive husband...my best friend and rock.  A wonderful home.  Clothing.  A vehicle.  Food to eat.  Family who have walked through not only the best of days, but our darkest days...and love me still!  And precious Evan...a miracle I witness every day!  And the blessing of being able to stay home and raise our son every day!  A true, true blessing indeed!  

Yes...holidays always hold that added sting wishing Zac was beside Evan celebrating in the fun.  Missing Zac, missing Ethan, Jack and Whisper too.  Four settings that will forever be missing from the kitchen table.  Four faces that will never be in family photo albums.  

It's hard not to have the sting of sadness.

Yet...I am still so very thankful for each of those four precious lives.  Whisper, our singleton triplet...who we never even got to see a heart beat...gone far too soon.  Jack and Ethan, our identical twins, and Whisper's siblings...who we were blessed to see their precious heart beats and flutters on our 6 week ultra sound...but then the agony of not seeing them again.  Zac...for the 28 weeks he grew inside me beside his brother.  For all the scans where I got to "see" him.  For all the NST tests where I got to hear his precious hiccups.  For every kick and push and roll inside me.  And then for the brief moments of holding him on my chest, in my arms...while he fought to have some snuggle time with us before reaching for God's hand and entering heavens gates.

Yes...each loss has left a deep scar, and a sadness that has a place inside.  Yet...I am still greatful for those scars.  Because without those scars...there would be no little ones waiting for us in heaven. 

I thank God for the moments I have had with each of our heavenly babes.

And I thank God for the gift of Evan...I wonder, a miracle, a blessing...our pure joy!  My sadness may have its place inside of me...but my love for Evan will never stop pouring over him.  He has changed my life.  He is living proof of a miracle.  My love will never be replaced by the sadness of missing our babies.  

I will NEVER stop being thankful!  I will NEVER stop showering Evan with everything he deserves.  I will NEVER let sadness overshadow my joy.  I will NEVER stop telling Evan how much I love and adore him.  I will NEVER let a day pass without laughing with our son.  I will ALWAYS share Zac with Evan...because they forever share a bond.

I am thankful that because of the gift God gave me through the cross...I WILL be with all my children some day.

I am thankful for the love of a Heavenly Father who has carried me through my greatest sorrow, and helped me find a balance between that sorrow and my intense love for Evan.  For a peace that only He can provide.  For a love that never ends.  

Life carries many sad moments, and we all have scars.  But there will ALWAYS be something we can be thankful for. 

After the busy week last week, and the busy weekend...my body is feeling it.  I can now say that I am thankful that Evan did not actually sleep during his afternoon nap today (but still gave me 45 minutes of down-time making my pot pie!) because it forced me NOT to do my workout...which my body indeed needed a break from.  Tonight...everything hit.  Just before supper I started to feel super run down.  Brett's parents came to enjoy the pot pie with us...so it was a blessing too because they all played with Evan while I snuck off to my bedroom and layed in bed and rested.  

So I am soon off to sleep and hopefully will wake up refreshed and rested.

On that note...I hope everyone had a wonderful Thanksgiving!

Missing comments...

Ya, no point to this post other than to whine about missing reading peoples comments on my blog! 

I know I'm not saying much these and have lacked any depth...but honestly...these days I just feel so darn tired.

But I miss hearing from people :)

Hope everyone is doing fabulous, and for any struggling...I do pray for all those who read my blog, and pray for peace and health for each of you!

Hugs,
Heather

And the milestone moments keep coming...

We've always been SOOOOO careful with Evan and his exposure to crowds.  We've been cautious (and rightfully so) with germs.  We have taken careful steps and measures that have resulted in a healthy 2 years so far.  And I wouldn't change how cautious and careful we were, and remain.

But this did result in stepping back from our church.  

But this last Sunday, we returned :)

AND, Evan went to CHILDREN'S CHURCH!!!!!!!!!!!  

He stayed with us in the sanctuary during praise and worship because he loves music, and then I took him to his 2 year old class.  It was HARD for ME!  I got him settled in and hung out with him for a few minutes...and then he was off playing with the other kids!  I went up to him and said "will you be okay if mommy leaves now?" and he confidently said to me "okay mommy!  Bye!"...and off he went!  

Can I just say...I was the one almost in tears as I left the room!  This was HUGE for me because we have NEVER left Evan with anyone but our parents...and he has never been a setting of a class of children before.  I've known that he would LOVE it.  He loves playing with kids and loves activity...so I knew it would be a breeze for him.  But it was soooooooooo strange for me!  I was so ridiculously proud of him!  And so relieved that he had so much fun!  Yet...it was hard to realize how quickly he is growing up.  How much more independent he is becoming.  And that I have to face that my little wonder is becoming this little independent person.

Crazy.  It truly does go so very fast.

So many milestone have passed...and so many more are ahead of us.  I am just blessed to get to be witness to them, and to watch who he is becoming.  He truly is an amazing little boy...and I am one very lucky mommy! 

Summer fun...

Well, we are back from a wonderful summer getaway with our sweet friends.  We were off to Kelowna, BC once again this year.  We had gone last year with these same friends, and after our last FET failed we realized there was no reason not to go again this year.  So last minute I booked a condo at the resort we all stay at, booked flights this year (decided to try that route instead of the loooong drive) and began the craziness of packing and prepping.

We left the early evening on the 21st of August.  Our flight had a stop over in Edmonton, AB, and while we were waiting on the plane for additional passengers one of the flight attendants asked if Evan would like to go up to the cockpit and "fly" the plane!

My lil' pilot!

Yes, he was certainly beyond thrilled!!!  Before we even left we had told him about the plane, and he would cry because we said he wasn't going to be allowed to fly it!  Well...this made his day!!

He did SO good!  I was worried as this was his first flight, and worried about his ears, etc.  Yup, the worrier in me was proven to be a fool once more...he was FINE!  He was such a big boy!

When we got to Kelowna we went to pick up our car rental.  While I was dealing with the guy I turned and saw Evan's carry on suitcase, his little Lightening McQueen suitcase that he pulls on his own...but no Evan!  I asked Brett and his face froze...we couldn't see him around us.
Can I just say...that split second of taking your eyes off your child is the worst split second decision in the world when you think of how this could have resulted.  We both went white...but then I looked just a couple feet and Evan was climbing on a carry on weight/measurement scale.
I have never felt so sick in my life.  The thought that someone could have easily had taken our son.  The thought of that moment and feeling still makes me tear up and feel sick to my stomach.  I would have died right there.  Honestly.

ANYHOW, thank God everything was okay.  But we kicked up our usual "watch like a hawk" habits in to high gear!
We got to our condo and started to settle in.  Then went to say hello to our friends and let them know we were there.
Poor Evan was so tired!  But he was so proud of himself because he got to sleep on a futon!  Yup...big boy bed time.  The hunt for a new bed is officially on!

Our 10 days were filled with GLORIOUS sun and heat.  Perfect for swimming at the pool and playing at the beach!!  We had such a wonderful time...and MY little holiday time (me time) was Evan's nap time in the afternoon.  Brett would hang in the condo while Evan slept and I would go and hang out by the pool and get nice and toasty brown!  I DID start out good the first couple of days with going to the gym and doing my Shred video...but then I realized...how much longer was this sun and heat going to last!  What was I doing!  I came to the conclusion that it was okay to give myself a holiday from my workout routine.  Now it's just time to get back in to the routine!!  But, I don't feel too swayed from it with breaking on holiday.  I'm excited to gear up once more!

Our last day we decided to go to the beach and feed the ducks our left over bread.  It was CRAZY!  They were every where!  And sooooooo sweet!!!!  It was a blast, but Evan was not too terribly impressed!  So funny!!

All my ducky friends!

Evan was far from impressed!

Too sweet...they'd just eat right from your hand, and walk across your feet!

Our trip home was another story.  First, we had tried to switch our 10:45am flight to a 7am flight that would have gotten us home by 10:30am.  When I okayed the change charges with the girl on the phone, she put me on hold to get everything started, then came back about 5 minutes later appologizing that the "system" had made a calculation error and it was going to cost more.  When she told me the amount, I said to forget it, we'd keep our original flights.
Well...hindsight...we should have just paid it and gotten home.
Our 2 hour flight (plus a 3 hour layover) ended up taking us 12 hours of airports and 3 flights to get home!  Our layover in Edmonton which was supposed to be 3 hours, turned in to 6 1/2 hours, but then got cancelled and we were all dispersed to different flights.
We finally left Edmonton, got to Calgary and literally went straight on to our next plane when we got off the first one.  And finally got home just before 9pm.
Then Brett's suitcase and golf clubs and Evan's suitcase were lost after it all!  Oiy!
It was almost 11pm by the time Evan got to bed.  He was so tired and just didn't want to sleep alone so I put him on our bed, turned to turn on some music and looked back at him and he was OUT COLD!!!!  TOO funny!!!!

I didn't realize how much I needed to get away as well.  How much I needed to recharge.  How tired I've been.  How much I needed to focus on MY little family.  Now being back home and finding this semi-renewed sense of charge-up...I see just how much I needed it.

Holidays are always odd.  They are awesome, don't get me wrong...but knowing we are missing someone...it can catch you.  That feeling.  That knowledge.  That pang of sadness.  We both felt it.
We wished Zac could be a part of it all with us, like he should have been.

It always hits me especially when I see another family complete with both their twins.  And while I was alone by the pool one day I was greatful for my dark sunglasses and hat as I watched a couple with their twin sons...who would have been about 2 years old as well, swimming together and playing in the pool.  Mom with one son, dad with the other.  Just as Brett and I always enjoyed planning out while I was pregnant with Zac and Evan.
But this time, yes, tears slid down my face...but I was able to watch them for a little bit instead of running to another part of the deck.  And to me, that was a small victory. 

Being away is nice.  It's nice to get to be "hidden" in a sense.  Even though real life is always within you...on holidays it's like you can just let loose and just "BE"!  It is special to get to spend time together with friends and have the kids growing a friendship and bond.  It's nice to be with people you can just have no pretenses with.  Just be real.  Say what's on your mind and know it's okay.  And to laugh with true laughter.
Don't get me wrong...I'm not saying I don't have people at home like this...it's just nice to get to be with friends who aren't in your same city and just know that time doesn't change or hamper friendship.
We love you guys!!

Here are a couple of my highlight pictures...but there are far too many to share!

My little water-bug :)

Warming up in the sun.  Someone needed his shades!

Ah glorious sun!!

My favorite Willow tree at the beach

On a train ride with our buddies!

Beach Bum fun...doesn't it look like they are having fun?!  hee hee hee

Quails Gate Winery.  Grape vine.  Sooo wanted to taste it!

Mommy and Me

More pool time fun!

Snuggle Bugs!

My rock climbing wonder!

My heart and soul!!

Keep fighting...

Some days you just need a reminder to keep fighting.  A reminder of what you have been and ARE fighting for.  A reminder of who is fighting FOR YOU!  

I always referred to Zac and Evan as our "Fighter Boys".  They are forever my Fighter Boys.  I've never known such strength and determination.  Zac for the weeks he fought to hang in there for all of us.  Evan for giving his brother the encouragement to keep fighting.  And both of our boys for giving me the reasons to keep fighting.  

And now every day I look at Evan, I see each of those 5 weeks he fought along side with Zac, and then the 66 days he fought to come home.  I see his strength every single day.

And I feel Zac's hand on my heart giving me the strength to know that he is okay, and that he loves us.

Our boys fought every day for life.  And I will always fight for them!  

My sister-in-law made Evan the t-shirt that he is wearing in the above picture.  I memorium to Zac, and a testiment of who Evan is...a Warrior.

Then yesterday...I found the shirt that I am wearing above with the boxing gloves.  And I HAD to have it!  Boxing gloves have always been the symbol of our sons.  And when I saw it, and put it on...it reminded me that you just have to keep fighting...no matter how dark a day may seem or how weak you may feel.  You need to keep fighting.

Just keep fighting!!

It may seem like no big deal to some...but to ME.......

After we lost our first twins, I couldn't stand seeing the two-seater grocery carts, the kids grocery carts with the double car front...and especially the Costco shopping cart.  It broke me because after losing Whisper, then Jack and Ethan...those seats would always be empty.

Then when we found out we were expecting Zac and Evan...I felt so excited (after a long while of dealing with fear of course) to think that my boys would sit side by side in those carts, or would be tooting the horns on the car front shopping carts...and yes...especially that Costco shopping cart.

Crazy the things that we look forward to.  
Heart breaking the things that never come to be.

HOWEVER...today was a HUGE milestone for ME personally!  Today at the grocery store that has the shopping cart with the ride in front double car with toy steering wheels...Evan saw it, and just HAD to ride in it.  What a strange moment of emotions came over me!  Yet...to him, it's new and it's entertaining when you have to be dragged around for groceries!  So...after I did a major sanitizing of both (disgustingly) dirty steering wheels, he was in and we were off.  

I DID IT!!!!!!!  

I made it through with laughing along with him and swallowing back the misty eyes that wanted to drip with tears.  I didn't allow my heart ache to interfere with his joy and excitement...and I felt so darn proud of myself.

Yes...it stung.  It will always sting not hearing Evan and Zac "driving" together.  But I focused on Evan and watching him explore this new ride and the moment.

And even though Zac may not have been right there in the cart with Evan...he was with us.  Giggling and laughing as he watched his brother.  Cheering me on with his hand on my heart, letting me know he is okay...and it's okay to experience these moments with Evan without feeling guilt or sadness.

I did it...