Expecting Good? Stop assuming the worst!

I can't lie...I am one who just "prepares for the worst" so that I don't have to deal with the utter disappointment of hurt when things do go wrong. 
I've always said it is my "coping mechanism".  Because, I know how painful it is to go in to something with high expectations, trusting for a happy outcome, believing it CAN happen...and then crashing oh so very hard when everything goes exactly the opposite.
I've branded myself as "cautiously optimistic". 

Does cautiously optimistic really coincide with faith in God and His promises and word?

Where is the balance between niave optimism and reality?

And when things do turn out oh so opposite as one has prayed and believed...how do you recover from that?

These are lots of questions I am grappling with these days.  No, not questioning my faith, not at all.  Just genuine, real, honest questions.

And I can't seem to come up with answers.

I want to be a person who says "I will not worry because I know my God will provide". 
Again, don't get me wrong!  I DO believe my God will provide.  But I also know that the answer to my prayers are not always how I had expected, prayed and begged. 
I also realize this is not because God is out to "get me" or "put me in my place". 
I realize that, although my human mind may never understand, God has it all under control.  And that through grief, loss, pain...He isn't "doing" it "to me" just to prove He is bigger than I am.  I don't know...is He "doing it" at all?  I mean, I don't believe for one second that He makes bad things happen just to bring us to our knees.  I don't believe that at all.

I know a lot of my questions will brew in my brain until the day I meet my Creator.  And I know it is my responsibility to BELIEVE Him, and His amazing love for me and my life. 

I KNOW the enemy LOVES when we question, doubt, fear, worry, struggle.  He LOVES watching us squirm and blame God for every bad detail in our lives.  He delights in the fact that the lies he and his dark side-kicks whisper around our ears are accepted.

I struggle with fear.  With worry.  With "what if".  With "can I handle more pain?"  I struggle with control.  There are many days where I actually believe I am not worth amazing blessing in areas in my life.  Like I deserved all the pain in my life. 
I actually fall for those lies.  And that is exactly what they are...LIES from the enemy, because he knows how strong I am when I am trusting God and leaning on Him and living out His word and commands.  He knows I am a fighter.  He knows I hate defeat.  So he plays on those very fears to bring me to a trembling mess. 

That is where I am today.  I woke up with nothing but pure fear racing through my mind.  Fear of some stuff we are facing soon.  Fear that I am not worthy of a good outcome.  Fear that I will break if things don't work out.  Fear that I will not be able to succeed.

When I get in this mindset...I am paralyzed.  Paralyzed to the point of sitting in a ball, just crying and shaking.  Yes...that is NOT God.  That is ALL the enemy!!  And how foolish of me that I would allow myself to let that darkness wrap around my mind and how so NOT strong to believe the lies that float in my head.

I am going to be honest.  I struggle with something.  I know we are to come to God and let our requests and desires of our hearts and prayers be known to Him.  I know we are to pray without ceasing, and to keep believing.  I know we must do this to allow God to work through our prayers.  I know many times people have prayed for me, and my struggle comes back to the days of losing Jack, Ethan and Whisper, and then all that happened with Zac and Evan, and then the loss of Zac. 
I struggle because so many people would tell me the KNEW God would heal Zac, and that things would be ok. 
I struggle because after Zac passed away...I began to doubt. 
HOW did people "know"?  I wanted to see the written telegram from God to that person so that I had proof that they were actually receiving the right message.
Zac passed away in my arms.  How was that anything like what I had been encouraged to believe?

Then after our friend Jeff passed away...how does one come to terms with that? 
I have never seen such faith and believing and trust for complete healing.
Yet, he passed from this earth.
He never doubted.  Never got angry.  He trusted God.  He DID experience a full healing the first time...so why did the cancer come back?  Why did things play out the way they did?

Are we wrong to have questions when we experience loss?  No, I don't believe so.  I believe that God expects that we will.  He made us after all, right?! 

I know it's all about HOW we cope with the questions.  Do we use the questions to draw us closer to God, or do we allow the questions to start to cloud our faith and build walls? 
I know how easy it is to be consumed by darkness and doubt.  Oh boy, do I know.
I know how HARD it is to fight the way back to God. 

It is just too easy to sit and question.  And I just don't want to do that.  I want to find strength to believe that I AM WORTH GOOD!  That God loves me so very much that even if I don't understand the answer to some areas of our life...He still wants the very best for me, and will provide a way.

This realization doesn't mean I've miraculously had some epiphany right this very moment and "viola"...all good.  It just means I know I need to fight.  I know I need to trust.  I know I need to believe that I AM WORTH GOOD THINGS happening to!  I don't "deserve" nothing but disappoinment and loss.

Disappointment and loss are a part of life.  But it's up to me...will I continue to believe God's goodness for my life, and trust that He will carry me through.  Or do I give up and sit in my corner obsessing about the fears and "what ifs"?!  I just don't want that for my life.

My job...searching God's word.  Living His word.  Trusting His word.  Which means READING and studying His word.  That is where I will find His word, His voice...the calm in my storms.

I read this devotional this morning from Joyce Meyers website, and I really loved this analogy.  It made perfect sense to me today!

"This about it like this:  If I have a headache, I take an Aspirin to get relief from it.  I have to swallow the pill for it to work.  If I put it on top of my head, it won't do anything for me.  God's Word is medicine for our spirit, soul and body, and the way we experience its power is by speaking it out loud, praying it to God, meditating on it, and believing it.  When you speak His Word over your life, it releases that power into your life.  It won't work for us if we just have a Bible and leave it on the shelf.  We have to use it.  God wants to make you whole, and what He's asking you to do is believe what His Word says more than you blieve what you think of how you feel.  Keep speaking His Word over your circumstances and in His timing He'll complete the good work He's begun in you!"

 

 

I love that quote.  It's so true.  How many times have I cried to God in the midst of a trauma in my life, expecting a literal voice of God to speak to me directly!  When I do just what the above quote says NOT to do.  I have my Bible, sitting there in plain view, closed.  Untouched.  Too stubborn to open it.  Too...paralyzed to find the strength to open the pages and search what God would want to tell me.

 

In the next week, I have something going on in my life that has been marked with disappointment and negative in the past.  I have been focusing on that.  I have been allowing myself to believe that I will hear much of the same, not expecting that God can provide a better outcome.  It's time that I stop living in the past of those results, and start believing God can find a way for me.  And NO MATTER what the results...He will carry me/us through.  That I am ok.  I have been blessed, and I cherish that.  That the hope of the future does not define who I am, and does not define my joy.

 

I have to search His word.  Trust His word and His love.  I have to submit my life to His plans and know that He is more than enough.  That He will lead the way.  That I am not alone, and am not meant to fight these fights alone. 

 

"Therefore humble yourselves under the mighty hand of God, that in due time He may exalt you, Casting the whole of your care on Him, for He cares for you affectionately and cares about you watchfully."  1 Peter 5:7

 

God be with each of us, today and each day forward.

 

Blessings!

My brave lil` man!

 

So yesterday was Evan's first visit at the dentist! 

Lets just say he was FAR more brave than I am when I have to go!!

But I guess that's where ignorance is bliss, right? 

And I'm hoping that he never has to encounter the parts of the dentist that make you want to gag every time you have to go! :)

 

He was so good!! 

Crawled right up in to that chair, laid back, and did as he was asked.

And it helps that each dental chair has a TV above it to help take away the anxiety!

The girl and the dental therapist were wonderful with him.  Patient, calm, friendly, and explained everything to him.

He rocked it!

 

And no cavities!  So that was great!

 

Watching him in that chair made me see it even more.

My baby is growing up so quickly.

 

Yesterday I caught myself thinking of the first time I ever took Evan for a walk in his stroller.

And I won't lie...I got teary-eyed.

I remember the pride I felt knowing that I was pushing MY child in the stroller.

And yes, the ache of the sorrow of it not being the double stroller we had originally purchased for Zac and Evan before Zac passed away...that was my silent inner tears as I walked Evan around the block.

But I still remember the feeling of...almost shock, that I was finally walking my own child.

And I found myself smiling at the memory.

 

Watching Evan growing up so quickly...it makes me want to just stop moments so that I can freeze-frame them and just hold on to those moments a while longer.

It makes me want to shoot myself back in time for just a moment so I can hold that tiny little baby he once was, and hear the little cooing noises he would make. 

 

But life is filled with new adventures. 

He is all boy.  Find a rock...well naturally, it must be thrown.  Find a puddle...well why WOULDN'T you jump in it?  Find a bug...well of course you have to touch it.

 

This little boy of ours...what a treasure.

 

Last night we were snuggled in bed, both hacking away.  Evan has been under the weather for a while now and still fighting a cough.  I have been without much of a voice for 5 days now, and hacking along side Evan.  So the two of us are quite the pair. 

Every night I tell Evan how proud I am of the boy he is becoming.  And he started to talk to me about when he was a baby (which is hilarious to listen to his stories), and then I told him how lucky I am to have such precious boys in my life.  That he and his brother make my heart so happy.  And he started to tell me about how Zac is a baby, and he holds him "just like this, mommy".  And then he said "but he is a big boy in heaven like me!" 

Precious.

And precious that he speaks of his brother, and that they will always be a part of each other.

 

Though life isn't as I had once imagined it would be...it is still a blessed life.

 



My last fall of...

I've been realizing more and more...life is moving way too fast for my liking!

Today my nephew starts grade 2!  Tomorrow my niece begins kindergarten!

And next fall...my own son will begin preschool.

And it gives me a lump in my throat.  I can't believe it.  One more year before my life changes again. 
And the little boy I've been waiting for all my life will begin to experience a life of independence...more than he has already.  It changes...and though I am so proud of him, and know he will do wonderful...my heart aches at the idea of not having my little man with me every. single. day.  All day.  Every day.

It's just a very wierd concept for me.  A tough one.  It seems wierd to me to have a 4 year old (next year) in school, even if it is for short periods.  He still feels like my baby! 
I haven't had enough time with him all to myself.  And I don't want to share him yet!

So, I am determined to make the most of this year!!  More than ever! 

This isn't a depressing sob story kind of post...just a big realization for me and a bit of a teary moment.

When my nephew started kindergarten, I cried.  I did! 

Time goes so fast, and I can't imagine wasting a moment of it on things that just don't matter in the big scheme of things. 

I've been granted this miracle.  This precious little boy who fought so hard along side his brother. 
I am so proud of the strength of my little miracles.  And I know Zac will be cheering Evan on as he begins school without him by his side.  Maybe that is part of the sadness for me.  I know I should be preparing my two sons.  I know I should be feeling more secure and sure of this day next year because they should have been facing this big day together.  Giving each other strength, courage and assurance.
I should have been preparing double the school supplies, packing two back packs and dressing my two lil' men.

I guess that will always be a part of big milestones, just as it is a part of every day.

But I know that Evan will do amazing. 

So, instead of stressing and obsessing about things to come in another YEAR...I will slow down, embrace each of these days we are granted, and have FUN FUN FUN! 

Cutest ringbearer ever!! (I'm biased!)

What can I say!?  I'm biased!!  Is this not the CUTEST ring bearer you've EVER seen!

And he's all mine :)

I don't often get a chance to update here, and honestly don't really know what to say much anymore.  But I wanted to take some time to do some bragging and sharing of my thoughts these days.

On the weekend we were at wedding 3 of 4 for this summer.

The first, I had the honor of being the "maid" of honour to my best friend and longest childhood friend.

Wedding two was one of our nephew's.

And this past weekend was wedding three of another of our nephew's.  And for this one  was the one that Evan was a part of.

Talk about a heart-stealer! :) 

Both on my hubby's side.

This one was a carnival theme.  HOW FUN!  It was held at an older movie theatre and each guest received a popcorn and pop before being seated.  It was adorable!

Evan wasn't too sure Friday night at the rehersal. But then again, he kind of got tossed in to the mix with people he didn't really know...so the shyness won over.  By the end of the rehersal he made friends with the older flower girl and things were better.  PHEW!!  I was worried.

And then at the wedding...he ROCKED his role!! 

That's my boy!!!

As he walked down the aisle...I wanted to tear up just picturing the day he may choose to get married.  The thought of his life beginning with some very lucky, and precious woman.

And I had to slow down the mind game of the future!

I look at this precious little boy and still, I feel stunned most days that I've been blessed with the honour of being his mom. 

I know I blow it a lot with days of frustration and lack of patience...but I will never be too "mommy" or big to admit my bad moments, and will always humble myself to say to my son "I am sorry for my behaviour, Evan!"

Which is exactly what I had to do over the weekend ;)

I don't know what the future holds. 

I dream of being fortunate enough to share our lives and love with another child, but I don't know if that is in the game plan of God 's playbook for our family.

We have two frozen embryos (blastocytes) left.

What may happen?

I don't know. 

I can't know.

Only God knows.

I know what I would LIKE to see happen.  Of course I pray life for these little ones.  But I just don't know what is in store.  And that is a tough pill to swallow.

It's not just a matter of going for a transfer and viola.

Not at all.

And it's not that WE get the choice as to whether or not we have another child/ren.

Nope, not at all.

Each transfer everything is out of our hands.

And that is tough.

But I'm praying.

When will it happen?  WILL it happen?

Who knows.

But I do know that I am forever grateful for all that our IVF road has led us to.

Yes, heart break and grief in spades. 

But joy and gratitude as well!

Yes, 4 of our 5 children live in heaven and I will not get to meet them again until then.

But our son Evan...what a treasure.  What a pleasure.  What a true honour to be his earthly mommy.  What a blessing to hear my little boy say at bedtime "sweet dreams mommy".

Do I pray for the honour of parenting another living child?  Yes.  I will admit that. whole-heartedly!

Do I dream of watching and hearing Evan being a big brother?  Absolutely!  No questions about that!

Does it still hurt, and do I still struggle with the ugliness of jealousy when hearing another pregnancy announcement and seeing ultra sound pictures?  I won't lie.  Jealousy rears its UGLY head.  No matter how thrilled I am for that person.

But does my blessing of Evan mean any less for my wants of the future? 

Not a chance!

Evan is my blessing, my treasure, my breathe, my soul, a gift beyond measure.

And I am blessed to be his mommy!

Just LOOK at the above picture of my boy!!! 

How can my heart be anything but mush when I get to see that silly face he makes, and see the handsome young boy he is becoming!

One day I pray that my hopes and desires of the future tame.  Whatever the end results of our path leads us to.

I pray that the struggle of not feeling our family is complete will feel without a doubt complete if that time comes with just Brett, Evan and I at the end of it all.

Will it hurt any less?  Probably not for a long while.  Until I learn life over without the world of IVF and FETs surrounding me.

But right now...I pray.  And keep hoping.

And keep watching my son, and raising him the very best I can and how he deserves.

And I pray for others who understand exactly where I am coming from in this post.  Those whose hearts are heavy.  Those who know the struggle I am talking about.  And those who feel the same blessing and desires as I do.

I am praying for you!!  Truly!  Now and always!

Praying for God's blessing and very best for your family as well. 

Well, today is a RARE (and I DO mean RARE) day that Evan has gone down for a rest.  He has a bit of a stuffy nose (too many late nights, and doesn't help that I was hit with a head cold).  But I expect that he will be getting up shortly, so I should go get organized.

We have the pleasure of having our nephew Mason here to help out while his day home is on some much deserved holidays.

What a blast watching these two cousins!

Mason is 4 months younger than Evan.

Technically, had life turned out the way it SHOULD have, Mason would only have been 2 months younger than Zac and Evan, and all THREE would be playing together today...but that's another mind-bender for another day!

It is SO fun watching Evan and Mason together, and SO fun that Evan has a cousin so close in age!  So it really is a treat to get to have Mason to ourselves for a while!

But both the boys crashed for a nap this afternoon, so I better run and get a few things done before they both wake :)

Blessings to you all!

Like losing him all over again...

I know that Zac isn't there at the cemetery.  I know that.  I know that his soul and his spirit is happy in heaven.  And that is a wonderful knowledge.  And wonderful to know that one day we will be together for eternity with all our children.  Yes, that is wonderful knowledge.

The other day, however, Evan and I went out to the cemetery to remove a cross that had been broken in a wind storm and replace it with a ceramic angel figurine.  And when I pulled up to the Little Angels site...everything was gone.  EVERYTHING. 

I went ice cold. 

I know logically that the cemetery had likely chosen to start to enforce the rule of not having items left around the plots.  When Zac was burried and we met with the person to arrange for his plaque he had mentioned that the grounds had a policy for no items left but that at the Little Angels site they chose to turn a blind eye and allow items.

So, even though I knew this was likely the situation, I still had to gather myself and not break down in front of Evan.

In that moment, it felt like I lost Zac all over again. 

I went to the office and asked what had happened to all the items and they let me know each site was boxed up and the boxes were in a storage building all labelled, and that I would need to find a grounds keeper and they would take me to the items.

I asked if a letter had been sent out, and she said yes, twice.  But of course, who would ever think you would need to update a change of address at a cemetery.  I never did.  I knew I should have.  And I guess I better now! 

So off Evan and I went to find the storage building.  And then from the back seat Evan says to me, "Mommy, where is Zac?"  Me:  "remember bud, he is in heaven with Jesus."  Evan: "Oh ya.  I wish he were right beside me here".  Me:  "Me too buddy, me too.  But one day we will all be together again because we have Jesus in our hearts, right?!"  Evan:  "yah!"

Thank goodness Evan couldn't see the tears running down my face.

We found the building.  And once again collected what was all we had for Zac at the cemetery.  A huge flash back to being handed a box of all we had left from the few days we shared together with Zac at the hospital.

And I'm tired of being handed boxes of memories, so few and so precious.

I do respect the cemetery's reasoning.  But, as a mommy who only has a grave to visit with one of her sons...that's tough.  Because just being able to have those few items around Zac's plaque meant so much to me.  Items to personalize an otherwise cold and sad grave.  Those few items brought a bit of "life" and "joy" to my visits.  And was my way of being able to still do SOMETHING for my son.

I know...they are just "things" and he is not "there".  And maybe some are just rolling their eyes at these feelings of mine and maybe not understanding what this possibly feels like...and that's ok.  If you haven't experienced this, I wouldn't expect you to understand.  So, I don't judge.  But I ask that I not be judged for the ways that help me deal with losing one of my sons.

Those few items made that little space feel like "our" place.  I would go visit when I was feeling overwhelmed with life circumstances, or just needing some Zac time, and I would go sit and journal or pray or chat about Evan "to" Zac.  And it oddly became a place of "peace" and serenity.  It was "our" place.  Not at all the type of place I'd ever wished to be our place, but it felt like I still had a way to be able to do something.

It has just been a strange adjustment yet again.  And difficult, because once again, that grave site just seems cold and empty. 

So I now have the cherubs and the hanging plaque in the picture above in a little flower bed at the front of my house.  It's not the same, but they are here with us. 

But I have to say, it makes me feel the same as Evan's comment was to me "I wish Zac were here beside me..."

I love how Evan is making Zac's name more a part of conversations though.  Some are quite funny.  And I've had a frame with a picture of both Zac and Evan from NICU on a window sill that Evan now has claimed as his and is on his dresser in his bedroom.  It touches my heart.  And is important that he knows of his brother.  They are a part of each other always.

I love my boys.  I love all my babes!  Always and forever, to eternity! xoxo

A first...

So, this past weekend I experienced a first.  A first of being away from Evan overnight since he came home from NICU!!  And it was...wierd.

I know there are many who wouldn't find this a big deal.  One night.  Literally less than 24 hours apart. 

For me...that was the longest night ever.  The 66 days Evan and I had to be apart through the nights while he was in NICU...that was enough to last me a lifetime!

I'm not one who feels the need or desire to be away.  Doesn't feel the necessity to "get away".
That is just not me.  I waited too many years, experienced too many losses and too much sadness to have nights together with Evan to ever WANT to be away from him.

HOWEVER...the reason for being away was a valid, and GOOD one!  My oldest, dearest best friend is getting married next month, and it was her bridal shower!!!  And I am her Matron of Honor at the wedding!  So it was truly a good reason to have to be away for the night!  And I am so very glad that I went for her!!  She has been such a treasured friend, since we were 5 years old!! 
She lives in the next province...6'ish hours away. 
We have remained friends through all these years, though we've hardly lived in the same province together since our friendship began!  But there are cherished memories!
And while I was living at the hospital before having Zac and Evan...she came for me!  She came on her spring break (she is a teacher) and brought marking to do while she sat by my side to keep me company and watch over me.  She is just that kind of friend.  That particular memory brings tears to my eyes every time I think of her at the hospital with me.  Forever grateful, forever blessed!
So I am so, so, SO glad that I was able to be able to share a joyous occassion with her!!

And though I felt frustrated each time I heard "it will be good for you", (being away for the night), I knew I'd survive.  As I knew Evan and Brett would do just fine without me :)  And, we all survived and did great! 

I have to say, I feel proud of myself for going, without dragging Evan and Brett on a road trip! 

However..."good for me"...I don't know if being apart from Evan is EVER "good" for me. 
I know what it's like to be apart from my son.  I didn't like it those 66 nights, and I don't think I will EVER like that feeling of being apart.  Even when he is grown, in college and married.  It will still sting.

And I know what it's like to be apart from my children in heaven, my Zac, Ethan, Jack and Whisper. 

It's never a "good" feeling being apart.

My flight both to and from the wedding shower was under not the sunniest of weather.  Rain and cloud.  Grey and rainy.  Yuck!  Yet...once we rose over those clouds...AMAZING!  Blue blue blue skies!  Sun and blue skies!  It was unreal!  And I couldn't help but tear up a few times.  I just felt God all around me!
Over those clouds and yucky grey skies...there was this amazing blue beauty and sunshine.

It reminded me a lot of how my heart can feel some days.  The clouds of sorrow and missing my children so very much...but then...there it is...beauty, sunshine, laughter, joy...hope.  The clouds and sadness of missing my children have a place...but sunshine is always there.  It is always there through the storm.  The cloud lifts and the sunshine pours through.  Does that make any sense?  It does to me, so I guess that's really all that matters.
We all have our grey days, and that should be okay.  As long as we rise above and push through and find that blue, sunshine sky.  We have to!  I have to!!!  No matter how much turbulence along the way!

I tell you, while I was away, though I was having a wonderful time celebrating such a joyful answer to prayer for my friend in her engagement...I had one little face in mind the whole time.  Evan!  All I could think about was feeling his little arms wrap around my neck when he and Brett came to pick me up from the airport.  I felt like a little kid just waiting for the biggest surprise ever.
We hadn't told Evan a thing about me leaving.  It would have worked him up, and I just wanted it to feel as normal a day as possible.  And I knew I'd be back before he woke up the next morning.
And seriously...when he saw me at the airport...the way his face lit up...filled me up so so so much!
And those little arms tightly wrapped around me...COME ON!!!  The BEST!

It was a first of many first's to come.  First's that may not be too comfortable for me, but that must happen at some time. 
Evan keeps talking about school and wanting to go.  Though as soon as I remind him that school is a special place for just him, his teacher and his friends...he reconsiders and tells me "well, I'm not ready YET mommy".  But the idea of his first day of preschool...yes, I WILL indeed be a mess as I walk away from that classroom.  I WILL indeed cry.  I WILL very likely sit out front of that school until it's time to pick him up! 

Some first's...some I do not look forward to.  Though, each of those first's means that life moves forward.  We grow.  We learn.  We branch out.  We keep moving forward through uncertain days and situations, and we keep hoping.  And watching the beauty of what is, and the hope of what is to come.

I don't know...I may just be babbling right now.  But these are just the thoughts in my mind right now.  Thinking of the first's we have had, and those to come.  I'm grateful to be able to experience any of them.  I never thought I would.  Almost didn't.  So now, even though some first's may be uncomfortable for my mommy heart...I'm just grateful that I get to have them!

Joy in struggle

It has been one of "those" days.  One where every single pain, worry, struggle and frustration hits all at once.  One of those days where I struggle to keep the smile on my face and the tears out of my eyes.  One of those days where I can feel the adrenalin of worry and self condemnation coursing through my veins...literally.  One of those days where the lies of the enemy are ringing loud and clear...though I know they are just that...lies. 

But there is always joy in "those" days.  His name is Evan.  And he is my earthly angel, my living son.  He is my joy, my heart, my breath, my everything.  He reminds me to fight through the hard days.  He reminds me to fight for the light in the darkness.  He is my living reminder that miracles can and do happen. 

He reminds me to be silly.  To cry if I need to, but to wipe my tears and giggle along side him.  He reminds me to focus on the simple things in each day.  I new animal at the zoo, a plane in the sky, a hotair balloon floating by, a fly tickling his neck...and the joy of blue bubble gum ice cream dripping all over his face.

Yes, the struggles, the pains, the reality of life remain...but they silence for a while.  They become more of a dull grind on my mind instead of the jack-hammer that rattles my soul from time to time when the harsh facts of areas of our journey just can't end, but don't get easier.

I am beyond grateful for this little boy who reminds me of so much I need to remember.  I am beyond blessed for the honor of parenting this little wonder.  Of watching him growing in to such a BOY!  SO grateful for the silliness of the simple things in life.  So beyond grateful for the reminder that no matter how our journey ends...I have more than I ever dreamed of!  And I get to see his smile every morning when he wakes up, and feel his arms wrap around my neck, and hear him say "I love you mommy!"

The journey can be so rough and dark at times.  Today started in that direction.

But my sweet boy brought back the joy of today, and all that I have!

I am so grateful, and so truly in love with our son! 

My heart and soul!

These amazing collage photos were done by our AWESOME photographer, Lisa Landrie, who put on a mini photo shoot called "Mother's of May".  These photo shoots were done on a donation basis, and ALL proceeds were donated to the Canadian Cancer Society.

After the losses we have been through, and through personal loss that Lisa experienced in her own family, this photo shoot and this fundraiser was VERY special to my heart, and I was so happy to learn of what Lisa was doing. 

Evan and I had a GREAT time!!!