Friday, May 29, 2009
May 28th...my due date
Wow, strange to think that yesterday was my actual due date. Evan hit his 40th gestational week yesterday...yet he is almost 3 months old! Messes with ones head! Yesterday I took Evan with me to the cemetery to visit Zac's gravesite. Evan was fussy the whole way there...and he is never fussy in the vehicle. I let myself think that maybe he somehow sensed something. Who knows. But I wanted Evan with me on this day to visit his brothers site. Even though I know that Zac is not there...I know he is in a much better place where he has not suffered one day. I know he is with his other brothers. I know he is with family and friends who have passed on, and I know they are watching over him for me. And I know that Zac is with me every day in my heart. I've been struggling. Most of the time I am filled with joy with Evan...but the sadness of missing Zac has just been overwhelming. Yet I carry on with a strength that is beyond me for the sake of my husband and my son. I love my men dearly! Ah, the sadness will always be a part of me. But I can't allow it to BECOME me! The wildest thing happened. I got in to see my hair dresser yesterday on short notice and phew...good because my hair was becoming a nightmare. My mom came and babysat Evan and I actually went and did something for myself. Well, as I was walking to my stylists chair I heard someone say my name. In the seat next to where I was going to be was my absolute most special NICU nurse. She was with Zac a LOT in his three days of life, and after his passing she and I would talk about him often. One day she told me how she was getting ready for work one day and suddenly all she could think about was Zac, and the way he would look at her while they were together, and how this little guy is deeply tucked in her heart. Like I say, this nurse is VERY special to me. She was also with Evan from time to time. She was the only one who would really explain things to me, and I knew how much she truly cared for Zac, and cares for Evan. Well, all I can think is that God knew I needed to see her yesterday on such a bitter-sweet day. It was sooooooooooooooo good to see her!! She was exactly what I needed. To be with someone who was/is connected to my little fighter boy. Some days I really miss my NICU community! Evan is doing really good! Content, growing, bringing us much joy! Although this morning he was a stinker...he was wide awake from 1-4:50am!!!!! By the time I finally got to lay down the sky was already becoming light. Yup, the sleepless nights are real! He is just shy of 6lbs. That's so cool! Now all we need is his poor hair to grow back in from the spots that were shaved for IV's! Poor kid has a wierd Frier Tuck hairdo! He has the most amazing eyelashes. They are so long! He truly is a beautiful baby! Takes after his daddy!! Even though life did not turn out the way we expected...it is still good, and God is still good. He blesses us each day we have Evan in our lives. And He holds Zac in His arms until Zac can be in our arms once more.