I am still confident of this:
I will see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living.
Wait for the Lord;
be strong and take heart
and wait for the Lord
Psalm 27: 13-14

Wednesday, May 6, 2009

On my last straw...

OK, I've just about had it. As of yesterday I have really started to crack and just become really tired and frustrated with everything. I know a lot of it is because I'm nervous about Evan's surgery tomorrow morning, but I am sick and tired of living at the hospital and not getting to enjoy the carefree honor that so many new moms get to experience. I live my life for my son by his bedside and day after day wonder if we will ever experience that innocent joy of mother/child at home?! I'm becoming so tired of never getting to experience that innocent bliss. Every step towards fighting for a child has been wrought with tears, pain, heart break, fears, worry, disappointment, loss...and I'm sick and tired of it. I want to be home with my son, holding him with no worry of being asked to step out of the bay while another child is brought in, or a procedure is being done. I'm sick and tired of seeing all those tiny, sick babies that so many of us parents sit and wonder about...will our babies ever get to come home?! I'm sick and tired of the total unawareness that fortunate people have...and that the first question when meeting someone new is "do you have any children?" Don't people understand that question can be a knife to a persons heart? I know it is just small talk, but to the person being asked...that question rips at their soul. I'm tired of unanswered prayers for so many in the desire for a child. I ache for those who have also dealt with losing a child. I'm envious of families who blissfully walk through childbearing years. Like I said...things are just building up and I just need to vent. I'm tired of being told that Evan's surgery is routine and having it sound like it's no big deal. Ummmm, yes it is...TO ME! My stomach is sick at the thought of his little body on a table and a knife being taken to him. I'm sick at the thought of seeing him connected to wires and monitors again, I'm sick that I can't fix this either. Yes, I'm grateful that it was caught and that it will be dealt with...but I'm just tired of delays for his homecoming. I am so very thankful for a friend who has helped ease some of the worry of tomorrow's surgery by being Evan's guardian angel...I thank you for watching out for our little guy!! I can never thank you enough! This morning Brett and I both went for rounds to talk about some questions about tomorrow's surgery and THEN we hear that Evan's blood work from yesterday came back showing his white blood cell count a little on the lower side...which means yet another POSSIBLE flipping delay in his surgery. It isn't low enough that they would start antibiotics in question as to whether he is developing an infection, but it is a possibility. The doctor said that he thinks Evan is a well baby, and that it could have just been the way things read yesterday...so he ordered more blood work for today to recheck the count. Evan's white count was at .7 and .5 is where they would be concerned there may be a possible infection brewing and would start IV antibiotics to treat it. When I heard that I very nearly broke down. If that turns out to be the case I can pretty much guarantee that I very WILL break down. Who knows when he'd be coming home then because it would push the surgery to who knows when, and then recovery. Don't get me wrong, I'm not wanting to rush Evan, and things have to be on his terms...but I'm just getting discouraged in general. Some days I wonder what the point is in praying. THERE...I said it!! YES, I feel that way some days. If we are honest...don't we all feel that way some days?! I want to be strong, I want to be trusting, I want to have faith in the answers of prayer...but some days it's hard not to wonder..."have you forgotten about us?" Yet I know God hasn't because here is our little boy growing so quickly and so strong and so healthy. Our precious beautiful boy. Then on Sunday night Evan was moved to bay 6...that's the bay every NICU parent dreams of...the last bay before heading home. Only to find when I went in yesterday morning to feed Evan at 6:30am that he had been moved all the way back to bay one. And for no other reason than they were down a nurse and had to reassign some babies to different bays. I was so choked. Why did they have to chose Evan?!!! I know it's because he requires the least amount of intensive care so they mixed him in with high intensive care babies. But I HATE bay one!!!!! Here I am on Evan's demand feed schedule where I have to feed my son with no privacy at all as other dad's walk by as I am feeding Evan! It's a good thing I have no shame left! But yesterday I had literally JUST put Evan on and he began to feed and I was asked to LEAVE THE BAY because the nurses were going through new arrivals and the information is private. I totally understand that...but try explaining that to my baby who has been waiting to eat and then has to get pulled off and starts howling because he's hungry. By the time I was able to get back in he was not a happy boy! How's that for being "relaxed!" While I was in the hall with my mom (thank goodness she was there to lend some support as I was about to blow a gasket!) one of my favorite nurses walked by and asked how Evan was doing and I literally burst in to tears. I was just DONE. I needed to release the built up frustration. She felt so bad. And I felt silly for my outburst, but I just couldn't handle it any more. She gave me a hug and tried to cheer me up. Then another one of our nurses walked by and hugged me too and encouraged me. Evan's nurse for that day felt SO bad. I am usually able to keep it together and be understanding and accomodating and polite and courteous...so they knew I was beyond choked. One nurse kept apologizing over and over. So let me ask...WHY put Evan back in that bay where things are so chaotic and we will be continually interupted when he is on a demand feed schedule???!!!! Man...I'm getting steamed again just thinking about it. See what I mean...I'm on my last straw. So if any of you out there could send up a prayer for me for strength to get through these next days I would appreciate it. I'm too choked to pray for myself. And PLEASE pray that Evan's blood work will come back normal, that he will be able to proceed with the surgery and that he will bounce back with flying colors so we can get him the heck out of that hospital once and for all!!!!!!!! It has been 3+ months of me living at that hospital, and I am SICK of it!! I don't know how much more I can take! Thank goodness that I get to snuggle Evan as much as I want after his feeds...that is the only thing that brings me comfort and peace at that place. Anyhow, thanks for letting me vent.


  1. Oh Heather! I am so sorry! I am praying for all of you, especially for Evan and his surgery. I wish that there was more that I could do. ((((((((((((Heather))))))))))))))
    ~Kristina in GA~

  2. Evan was in my thoughts & prayers all day, sending you all lots of love & support.

  3. Heather I am so sorry that all of this is happening at once! Praying for you honey! How did Evan's surgery go? I'm praying!