Constants...

I am thankful for the constants in my life. The family and friends who have stuck by me through thick and thin. For those willing to tredge through the trenches of life with me. For those who are there for an encouraging word, or a laugh, or a tissue, or a coffee... I am thankful for those who are not afraid to face the dark times along side the good. I am thankful that there are people who genuinely care about others in this world. I am thankful for those who have helped restore parts of "me" through the past 18 months of pure confusion of joy and sorrow. I am thankful for those who can gather Brett and I together with them and just have a good time. I am thankful for a husband who has never given up on me...although I'm sure there have been days where he could have been justified to throw up his hands. I am thankful for a man who works so hard day to day so that I have the opportunity to be home with our son, and to be the one raising him with the values and morals of our lives. I am thankful for parents who pick me up when I crumble to the ground and don't think I can take another breathe. I am thankful that God chose MY parents for ME. I HATE that they had to go through the loss of their own twin daughters...but through that they have been able to support me in ways that no other person could...TWICE! I am thankful for the little things in life. I am thankful for the hidden treasures in each day. I am thankful for the chance to face each day with new attempts of hope. I am thankful for my children...on earth and in heaven. I am thankful for my 6 lil' totsicles still waiting for a chance to meet their crazy mommy and daddy. I am thankful that even though I know the chances all...or any of these precious "pre-made" lives will survive to enter our arms and home...I know that I will meet them one day in heaven. However...the loss of any, or all of these precious little ones is so much to be faced with. I am thankful for a God who continues to love me, even though I continue to scream at Him in anger and in hurt. I am thankful for a God who is waiting for me with open arms to finally watch me tear down the wall and allow Him back in to my life. I haven't walked away from Him...I haven't turned my back. But I'm hurt...and for some reason it is easier to be angry at Him than anyone else. And yet He loves me still. Yet He waits. What a truly loving Father. I am thankful for the most precious little boy in my life. For a boy who I dreamed of for 10 years. For a boy who I watched fight with everything in him for his 66 days in NICU. For a boy who had taught me what "fight" really means. He is my light. He is my breathe. He is my joy. He is my hope. And when the human nature emotions can come in to play (ie, tiredness, frustration, confusion...) I look at this little boy and see the world in him. I look at this boy and I love him. I look at this boy whom I get the honor of calling SON. I love my little Evan with everything in me! I am thankful for Zac. I am thankful for the 28 weeks and 1 day I got to the honor of carrying him. I am thankful for HIS fight for five weeks after I ruptured with him. I am thankful for his strength, for his protection, for his will to carry on. I am thankful that he saved his mommy, and his brothers lives. I HATE that through this he had to lose his own life. I HATE that I had so little time with him. Three days outside of me was not nearly long enough. I HATE that we had to say "see you later our son". But I am thankful that he is our son. That he is our fighter. That he has left a mark of love so deep inside of me. For the handprint he left not only on my soul, but on the very skin of my chest where his head and hands rested as he drifted to heaven. I am thankful for all my boys...my sons, and my husband. They are my rocks. They give me my smile and the shine in my eyes. They give me the drive to carry on every day. I love them with all my heart. Today...I am thankful.