Please, not now...

My sweet boy Tag! Bailey and Tag

My girl Bailey...a few years younger

So, it has been really chaotic since the move, and so much has been going on with me.

I've been "sick" for almost 4 weeks now. 3 weeks of a brutal cough, but nothing more...and then just when I thought I was getting over it...WHAM, a big time cold with the whole shabang...throat, nose, sinuses, chills, fever and once again, the HORRID cough!! I'm sick and tired of this.

All the dirt and dust in our area isn't helping with my asthma and allergies either, but I can deal with that. It's this blasted cough that is driving me mental.

And I've been TERRIFIED that I will pass this to Evan. So far he has just had a stuffy, then runny nose for a couple of days with a minor cough, so hopefully that's all it amounts to.

Yesterday we had his check up with the speech language pathologist where Evan is tracked due to his severe prematurity. This appointment was just more of a formality to get him off the call back list. The SL path was more than happy and said that he is advanced beyond his corrected age and well in to his birth age. So that was good. HOWEVER, as routine she did a test on his ears and instead of spiking, his were both flat. She was really surprised and said "well, I didn't expect that at all!" Then asked if he had been sick or congested. I told her he has been stuffy and runny nosed and a bit of a cough, and she said in that case the reading is what she would expect in that respect. Soooo, we will have the test done again in 6 weeks.

I did end up going to get myself checked at my doctors office and while I was there I got them to check Evan's ears and told them about the test, and the doctor said that both Evan's ears looked great with no fluid. So of course that stressed me about this test.

So last night I left the SL path a message asking her to explain the test results to me because I didn't read anything in to it when she said the results were to be expected in a child battling congestion. I told her about taking Evan to the doctor and said I'm concerned about the test now. I asked her what it could indicate or what it could foresee.

I'm confused, because in March (or was it April?) Evan had a full ear exam with the audiologist and his results were normal. So I don't get this.

Like I need another thing to stress about.

Well, guess what...I GOT another thing to stress about...but this time...with my sweet dog, Tag.

Tag is the first dog that Brett and I got. He is like one of my kids to me. I know you animal lovers will get that.

Tag will be 9 this year. A boxers life span isn't huge...10-13 years. Cancer is a big thing for them.

Well, about 5 days ago Tag started drinking insane amounts of water and peeing like there was no tomorrow. At first I thought it was because of a pain med he had been put on for a sore leg, but turns out this med has never been known to cause this type of side effect.

We took Tag back to the vet yesterday. Three things could be happening...cancer, kidney failure or diabetes. With the diabetes there are two types and one is a brain tumor which is basically impossible to cure. Fortunately THAT has been ruled out. The vet didn't think it's cancer...so we are between kidney failure and diabetes. Brett spoke to the vet this morning and they are doing some testing on a urine sample of Tag's from this morning to try and figure out which bad news they are going to give us. I almost wish I hadn't called Brett because as soon as I got off the phone the tears started to pour and my stomach was so upset that I almost got ill a few times. Like Evan needs to see his mommy crying MORE!

I feel like we are awaiting another death sentence here. I feel like even though I sit here with this stupid, niave hope that things will be fine I know the call will not bring news we want to hear.

I WANT to hope...but I just don't know how. I'm expecting the worst.

I know Tag has had an unbelievable life. And I know that he has never gone without one day in his life. Most people shake their heads with how pampered my dogs are...but I don't care. They have been my world for so long.

But the thought of saying good bye to Tag any time soon is more than I want to think of right now. I just don't want to deal with this. I don't want to have to make a decision I don't want to make.

If it's diabetes...I'll do whatever I can to figure it out. If it's kidney failure...then I want him to have the best summer ever or whatever days he will have left.

It breaks my heart, and I just can't bare the thought of not having him with me every day.

I don't want to say good bye to another member of my family.

Now a switch to another topic.

For months I've been trying to do a special project for the NICU wall. It's called the "graduates" wall of all the little wonders who have come out of NICU. Parents place a picture of their child.

There is also a "wall of angels".

And here I am again...right in the middle of both. So how do I do this?!

I have decided that my frame will hold pictures and blurbs of BOTH my sons. Both graduated from NICU, but in different ways. Zac had the ultimate graduation in to heaven, Evan graduated out those NICU doors and in to our home.

While I was in the hospital the 5 weeks prior I was already in contact with the NICU liason and connected. She had taken Brett and I on a tour, and she showed me the walls. I noticed one of twins...and the one son had passed away while in NICU. But this mother did the same thing I plan to do...she included BOTH her sons.

But while in doing this project it means going through my electronic picture files of the days where Zac lived and then passed away in my arms. And those pictures tear my very soul out, even though they are so very precious to me. It has been very hard to face this task.

However, Evan has his next NICU follow up on the 17th and I hoped to have this project done by then so we can take it up to the NICU after our appointment.

I'm just finding that I'm so drained before I've even started.

On one hand it is the proudest moment to share Evan and where he is today, on the other hand it is so agonizing to once again face the reality that Zac is no longer with us.

And then the never ending question...why? Why me? Why us? Why did we have to say goodbye? Why couldn't Evan have his brother with him? What did I do so wrong?

I'm pooped!!

OK, ANOTHER topic. Our new house.

Our new house is nice. It's a DISASTER and in forever chaos while I try to unpack and care for my son and my dogs. My deck is FINALLY being worked on, but the railings are still not up. The stairs had to come off yesterday which means more annoyance with trying to get the dogs out to the kennel while packing up Evan. Although, the weather is finally somewhat decent, so that makes it less frustrating.

I feel bad for the dogs not having a yard to roam around in. We had a nice yard at our old house, and they had the run of the show.

I think after Evan wakes up and has lunch I will pack up the crew and head over to my parents so the dogs can lounge in their backyard and play with their dog, and Evan and I can play on the grass and blow bubbles. Evan LOVES bubbles!

And that way I'll be able to try and take my mind off of the phone call at the end of the day. TRY.

Well, I suppose I should get going and do a couple things before Evan wakes up.

Please pray for me today.

Thanks!