It has been a while...

Things have been pure CHAOS in my life this past while. I have had no time to update my blog, check in on my support sites, email, chat in real life...it has been crazy. BUT, we are officially done our move. We have been out of our old house OFFICIALLY since Thursday. However, we moved our beds over a week ago, and I only stayed there one night!! Then Brett had a golf tournament out of town and I couldn't deal with the dogs at the new house alone because our deck is not done and the dog run not up. Add the fact that it rained FOREVER...and that didn't help matters. Sooooo, I packed up Evan and my dogs and we moved in to my parents place for a week. Which, was an amazing help to have my parents available to care for Evan while I continued packing, cleaning, sorting, and moving boxes to the new house. Yet...I was starting to get very unsettled and wanting to get "home" so that Evan and I could figure out life as it now is. So finally after a week I packed up Evan and we went home. The dogs are still at my parents until the dog run is done. The deck is still not totally done, but at least the stairs are now on. The dog run is not up yet...but the "plan" is to get that done today. And then our two oldest "children" (as I like to refer to them since that's what they are like to us...) will finally get to come home. When I took Evan home on Friday he was crawling around the new house going "woof woof"...looking for his doggies!! And it just feels so incomplete without them there. So I've really been pushing my husband. Trust me...if building this thing was something I could do on my own...I would have done it long time ago. But again...weather was very unforgiving. In the last few days before our official move out from the old house, Brett and I just looked at each other and said how we just felt like we were going through the motions. Not sad to leave, not excited about the new house...just feeling almost robotic. Of course, we are both unbelievably tired...but I still feel that way. It wasn't until I packed up Zac's duffle bag containing his items and keepsakes and funeral DVD, etc. that it REALLY hit me. And then...I broke. And I still feel broken all over again. I carried his duffle bag and put it on the passenger seat beside me in the car and just cried the whole way to the new house. Ya, the old house holds sad memories of the loss of 3 of our 4 children...but it also holds some very precious memories. Not just children related...but this is where I will stay with this thought process just now. As I went through each room one last time memories of Jack and Ethan flooded me, memories of carrying Evan and Zac overwhelmed me. The old house holds the reality of Zac...even though he only lived there within me...the house held memories so sweet of him and Evan together. I thought of the day I finally allowed myself to let my guard down and purchase an outfit each for the boys, a special blanket each for the boys, one pair of fun socks for each of the boys, the twin stroller and car seats that sat in our basement waiting to bring both our sons home in, the two beautiful cribs that were waiting to be put up in their bedroom. That bedroom held dreams of BOTH my sons. Yes, that bedroom holds sweet and beyond precious moments with Evan and I...and I am so forever grateful for that. But it was realizing as I set up Evan's new bedroom...Zac is not a part of it. There is no excitement of where to put his crib, or his share of toys and clothes. Evan's favorite thing in the new house is being chased around the island in the kitchen. When we finally went home on Friday night I chased Evan and Evan chased Brett around the island and we were all laughing and giggling...and then all it took was one glance outside my back window and I saw the cemetery where Zac "is"...and it took every single solitary bit of strength in me not to crumble to the floor and let go of all the tears that so desperately still want to fall. I didn't want Evan to see that, and I didn't want to feel weak in front of my husband. So I swallowed with all my might and pushed on with the smile plastered to my face. Don't get me wrong...that smile for my sweet Evan and husband could not be more genuine...but the pain of knowing that Zac is not here with us racing around the island...it becomes more than I can bare some times. I thought it would be "comforting" being this much closer to the cemetery...but it isn't. Because every time I look out my windows or stand on the deck...I see the painful reality. Even though the distance between me and the cemetery is shorter now...it's the reality of how very far apart we are. And I miss my Zac. I miss the certainty that after losing Jack and Ethan I was certain God would not allow more pain in to our lives. I miss the confidence of my faith. I miss the "niave" feeling of hope. I guess part of why I haven't even made time to update my blog lately (outside of all the madness) is that I just haven't had anything to offer, and nothing of myself to give except this broken person. I know that people think I'm so brave and doing well...but I'm just good at showing what others need to see. I guess a part of me feels like I SHOULD be more brave, and I SHOULD be doing so much better...but the reality is that I'm not. I don't know how to be just yet. I find myself reeling through the stages of grief over and over, and one thing after another just sets off another "stage"...even if I've already gone through it 10 times. Right now I'm finding I'm back in the stage of anger. Yes...I feel angry. I am angry that something so stupid had to happen like my water breaking. I'm so angry that for every single day of those 5 weeks, even though I screamed and begged and pleaded and prayed and stood in faith for my water to stop leaking...every moment I made created a new gush of amniotic fluid. I'm angry that I had to listen to so many women giggling during the breaks of pain in the labor as they looked forward to the arrival of their term babies. I'm angry that I didn't get to experience my third trimester. I'm angry that doctors can't find a way to replenish fluid or seal a tear in a womans membranes. I'm angry that Zac had to experience that brain bleed that sealed his destiny. I'm angry that we agreed to "let him go". I'm angry that I can't feel secure. I'm angry that I feel like God gave me a broken body and that I've failed my children through loss. I'm terrified of the future...to BE pregnant, and NOT to be pregnant. I'm angry that I feel angry because I DO NOT want it to affect who I am to my son and husband. After we lost Jack and Ethan and were considering a second round of IVF, I remember Brett saying "I'm just scared I'll never get you back if something should happen". Keep in mind...it took MANY months for me to even be able to go out in public after we lost our first twins and I was so depressed and broken with grief. I finally found my way out, and was able to live again...but not 100% the Heather my husband knew. And I think after this experience with Zac...I think neither Brett nor I are completely who were once were. I think we both lost a piece of ourselves. How can you not. It's tough. It's tough to fight for who you were, and tough to keep being who you need to be. I always hear how people question their faith in their circumstances. When I couldn't get pregnant I often heard "just pray" or "just believe God"...all the cliches. I don't mean cliches in a mean way...just the standard "wisdom" one is given in their time of trouble. I hear many women question if their faith is not strong enough and that is why God is not blessing them with a child. I've come to realize something. STOP DOING THAT!!!!!!!!!!!!!! STOP QUESTIONING YOUR FAITH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! We can't allow our faith to be the reason for our gains or losses. If we do that...do you realize how EASY it could be to walk away if we aren't getting what we are asking for??!! I HATE when I hear "if I just had more faith" or "if you just believed and trusted God". We CAN'T do that!!!!! God isn't here to give us all our desires. Ya sure we hear how "children are a gift from God" and all the stories of barren women who conceived and on and on...but that was THEIR story...it's not ours. I almost get tired of hearing "it's because we live in a fallen world" too. Of course that's true...and of course I'm sure that has a hand in a degree of things. But I will NEVER understand the why's of pain. I don't believe that we are given these pains as a lesson or as a way to become stronger. I can't believe that or I will just lose it. I can't believe that holding my son as he died was a character building lesson. I don't know why we didn't get our miracle for Zac. But it is what it is. I WANT an answer...but I know I'll never get it. I HOPE that through this I will become stronger in my faith and relationship with God. I know that it will take MY share of effort and work too. I can't just shut God out and expect Him to work it all out for me as proof of His love for me. It doesn't work that way. He didn't promise me an easy life. He didn't promise I'd be pain-free (although I truly feel that I've had more than my fair share for my short life span!). He isn't my geenie in a magic bottle where I rub and he grants my wishes. He never promised me life without pain, but he does promise to be here to hold me up...if I let him. And lately...I've pushed him so far away because of my anger and sadness. Yet, I'm not special to loss or pain. I've watched and listened as others have experienced loss of their newborns, toddlers, babies yet to be born. I've watched my grandpa pass away, and then my step grandpa. I remember when I was very young I learned of my first experience of an infant death as my toddler cousin passed away. Parents of friends who have passed away, and on and on. We are not exempt from death. We are not exempt from sorrow. A friend of friends of ours has a young son who was recently diagnosed with a rare form of cancer. He has been through treatment, and now she and her son have to move to Calgary for more treatment. Where is the fairness of this for that little boy? Yet, the brutal and sad reality is...no one is spared grief and trials. I often smirk when I hear some speak like life is perfect and nothing is ever wrong. That might sound mean, but a part of me feels sad that they can't be honest. And maybe they just don't want to appear like everyone else...struggling in some way. And that's okay. To each their own. I'm coming to a place where I refuse to stand in judgement on another being. Who am I to put on some "high and mighty" act towards another human being. I am no better than the next person. We all have our share of sorrow and struggle. OK, maybe some the greatest struggle is what shoes to wear with what outfit...but hey...if that's their struggle, then so be it. We all suffer. We all hurt. I don't know how to make like "perfect". I don't know how not to feel my sadness. I don't know how to feel brave and okay. I do know that certain situations still put me in to anxiety mode. I still have moments where I can't look a person in the eyes because I'm scared they will see what a failure I've been in my pregnancies and even in being able to GET pregnant. To see how I've failed being able to protect all my children. And don't worry...I wouldn't expect anyone to understand that feeling unless they've been through it. Don't even try to understand it. It's just me pouring out what has been building up inside. Sometimes I write things in here that maybe I shouldn't. Maybe I'm a little TOO real for a lot of people. I guess I just don't really think about who all may be reading this. And a lot of times it is just for my own sanity. I'm a writer. I write. I flood pages with raw emotion and reality. MY reality. I opt to put my struggles "out there" and not hide them. Take me or leave me... Anyhow, so that has been my latest ongoing sagga of struggle. I've been physically exhausted too. With everything going on and all the emotional stuff...it is starting to take a physical toll on me. I've been suffering through a horribly annoying cough for almost 3 weeks now. Thank goodness Evan didn't catch whatever bug this started as!!! I've also been super stressed because tomorrow morning Evan goes for an echocardiogram. My doctor just wants one done as he has always had a heart murmur and she was surprised one was never done in NICU. But they just didn't see the need for it as it comes and goes and he was hemodynamically correct. So, this is supposedly just routine and just to have on record because my doctor wants to be extra careful with my special peanut. And I love her for that. But it just puts me in to a tailspin of panic and fear. It sends me STRAIGHT to a dark place of fear and doubt and then the thought "here we go...the floor is about to fall out from under me once again" come pounding in. I am literally frozen with anxiety and my stomach has been in knots. And I just don't know how to pray for peace about it all. I'm struggling with my prayer life. I'm struggling with a lot. NO, I'm not "turning away" and NO, I don't need to be told how I'm not trusting God and needing to have more faith. Again...I'm doing my best. I send up prayer requests and thanks for what I've been blessed with...but I feel so very feeble and weak. So, if you've been brave enough to read up to this point I just ask that each of you would also send up a prayer that tomorrow's echo will INDEED be just ROUTINE. I don`t know if I could actually take anything else right now in the form of set back and sadness. Well, on a different note...an UPBEAT FUN note. Evan is indeed doing GREAT! He is as busy as ever and is such a little dare devil and clown!!! He wants to climb everything, and wants badly to walk...and has taken a couple steps here and there. He will stand on his own until he realizes it and then chickens out and in a very controlled manner sits on the floor. My kid is all muscle!! It`s so funny! He goes for his next NICU follow up on the 17th and I can`t wait to hear how much he has gained and grown! He is no longer on his special preemie formula! YIPEE! Just a regular step 2 formula and soon I will begin to transition to whole milk. And he is doing really good with table foods. He is not a big carbs fan though. He does love meat though!! He has been a bit uncertain about the new house, but loves the fact that we have a fan in our bonus room, so he is forever wanting to get up there. He can go up and down stairs quite well now! He loves giving kisses, and is totally my snuggle man at night! He ADORES his walks (thank goodness for motivation for the last 10 pounds I so desperately want to be rid of!!). Right now walks around our new neighborhood aren`t the most exciting, but we`ll start venturing off to other parks and trails. He is trying to imitate what you say, and yesterday Brett and his brother heard him say `thank you`. That was hilarious because Brett hasn`t heard that yet. Evan ADORES playing with his cousins!! It is so much fun to watch. My niece and nephew were over last night and the three of them were playing away, and I felt a twinge of sadness. Watching how much fun Evan has with other kids...this was how it SHOULD have been every day!! He was meant to have a partner to play with EVERY DAY. He was closer to his brother for 28 weeks and 1 day than even I was. They played together and knew each other in a way I never will know. And now he doesn`t have that. And he should. Anyhow...I won`t get back on to that topic right now. Now, the new house is lovely. My hubby is a VERY talented man!!! He is an Architectural Technologist, and he designed our house top to bottom. Actually...he did about 90% of the houses in our new area!! It`s funny going on our walks saying `he did this one, and this one, and this one...` I`m very proud of him!!! There are boxes everywhere, and Evan is having a grand time unpacking for me. It will take some time, but at least we are in there now! Now just to get our dogs home!! Well, I should go. I realized the time, and I`ve been at my parents with the dogs in the yard and now I see I need to get home for Evan. Brett had him at his parents for the morning, and I still have to go get formula. We`ve officially missed morning nap...so we`ll need to regroup this afternoon. So, that`s things in a nut shell. I will update a little more clearly soon. I haven`t stopped blogging or sharing...I just had to take this break while we moved. And now I`m back in action. Thank you to those of you who sent me emails checking in to see if we were doing okay. That meant a lot to me to realize I`ve been `missed`! Take care, and I`ll chat soon!!