I am still confident of this:
I will see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living.
Wait for the Lord;
be strong and take heart
and wait for the Lord
Psalm 27: 13-14

Monday, June 21, 2010

Thoughts...and updates

I've been finding it harder to update as much as I'd like. Partly because my thoughts are so jumbled these days, and mostly because life is pure chaos with trying to settle our lives down with the unpacking and trying to figure out what furniture we still need to buy, etc. I think I'm really battling with my thoughts. I have so many of them. Yesterday was a sweet, low-key Father's Day. And then last night we had both our families over that were able to attend for ice cream cake and coffee. And it was so fun to be able to entertain in a house that could hold more than just a handful of people! And really a ton of fun to watch Evan playing with his cousins and family. Yet, I found it so bitter-sweet to give Brett his Father's Day card, signed only with Evan's name inside. For cards to me, I'd LOVE to see both Evan AND Zac's names. To me...that is precious. But I think I'll have to do that for myself, because I don't think it will happen any other way. Yet, for Brett...I don't know. I don't know if it would have bothered him it I had written in Zac's name. And I hate that I second-guessed myself and hate that the feeling of akwardness is even a part of it. However, it was his day, and I didn't want to make anything strange. We are just blessed that we were given the opportunity to share these precious days with one of our children. To be able to be a part of the hoopla. But it always makes me a bit sad thinking of so many friends who dream of the same thing, yet are still empty-armed. The ache that they feel, and the longing to hold a child of their own. It's hard because it still hits so close to home for me. And because I'm faced with the very real reality that we may never have any other children again. And that reality makes me sad too. Very blessed to have Evan and Zac in my lives, to be called their mommy. Very blessed for the brief time I carried our first identical twins. To be called THEIR mommy also. What is it about grief that makes so many uncomfortable. I know it's uncomfortable to be around a hurting person because we want to be able to do something to fix things and help lift the pain...yet we can't. I guess I ask this because I feel like so many people have disappeared from my life. And I understand the rotation of life and such, but it makes me sad. I know I am to be blamed for a lot of it because in my sorrow and sadness of losing first Jack and Ethan, and now Zac...I changed. I ached. I cried. I questioned. I still do. But I also still laugh. I still smile. I am still there for a friend WHENEVER they reach out or need me. I may get teary-eyed every now and then, but I try to hide it so that others aren't bothered. And yes...I still question, but I try to keep those questions to myself. I don't want to feel like an outsider. I don't like feeling like I'm watching everyone building their relationships while I sit in a corner feeling like I don't belong. But I know I am responsible for reaching out as well. I guess maybe pain is supposed to have a time limit, and patience for those grieving runs thin. I don't know. But I do feel bad if I've pushed people away. It was never intentional. I just didn't know how to reach out. I was (and sometimes still am) lost. I know there was an expectation that because Evan was home I should be happy and not sad...but that is just silliness. That can't be expected of a parent. I know people offered help, but it felt strange for me to call someone and say "can you come over and help with a meal?" or "I just really don't want to be alone, can you be with me?" Now looking back I think I must have had an unrealistic desire to just have someone show up and just "be". Although, Missy Wendy Loo...if you still read this...you did your share of this! And it meant the world to me! I've always prided myself on believing I am a friend who would do anything for another friend. And I guess this is making me question myself. Am I? To those of you who have "disappeared"...I miss you. I know other's lives carry on and things are busy and you each have your own things on your plates...but...I miss you. I am trying to find a piece of who I once was. And maybe that part of me is gone. But I'm trying to be a person that other's WANT to be around, and who want to include in their lives. However, I'm starting to feel like I'm sounding like a groveling, needy person. And I don't mean that. I just miss friendship. I miss encouragement. I miss having someone know me for more than just what they see. I am looking forward to this summer as my Calgary "bobsy twin" (as we've called ourselves since we were 5!) is hopefully coming for a visit! She is a very special woman, who isn't afraid to ask me the heavier personal questions and truly wants to hear the answers. No attempt to fix things, just an ear to listen because she truly wants to know. She is a really neat person, and I am so lucky to have her in my life!! And she definitely helps me with the organizing and fun cooking! :) You are a gem my dear! I'm looking forward to the visit!! OK, enough of all that. Here are some updates: Evan had his NICU follow up with neonatologist last week and got GLOWING reviews!! His weight has gone down a bit in the percentiles...now in the 25th percentile, but his height is still in the 75th percentile. He has grown 3 inches in the past couple of months. Dr. W commented on how good Evan's muscle tone is, and realizes that he is a very busy boy, so he isn't concerned with the weight. It is expected that he will plateau. But he was over all just THRILLED with how Evan has developed. He said he would NEVER believe that Evan was such a preemie, and that he isn't a baby any more...he's a little boy! Evan got the okay to go to straight whole milk too. Dr. W was pleased with Evan's eating, and is happy that he is still getting 3 bottles a day. So that was good. I still have half a can of formula, so I'll keep using that up until it's gone. I use mostly whole milk now as it is. At the end of our check up Dr. W just looked at us and said "thank you for coming in today...it was the highlite, and I needed this today! You have made my day! Thank you!" I just about broke down because all I could think was "no, thank YOU for helping us bring one of our sons home!" He is a very good doctor. And very caring! We don't have to go back until November! We saw Evan's dietician after and she said "well Evan, you are too big to see me any more!! We are all done!" That was a crazy feeling! To see each of these people who have been so instrumental in our lives now fading out. It's almost sad in a happy way?! She was really happy with Evan too, and wasn't concerned about the weight either. I can still call or email her if I have any questions or concerns, so that's nice! For the past 5 or 6 days now Evan has been sleeping GREAT through the night! AND sleeping IN!! I'm not used to that! The routine has changed once more! Yesterday morning he slept in until 10:15am, and this morning it was just after 11am!!!! CRAZY!!! He is napping right now, so that is why I get the chance to update! My sweet dog Tag is limping again, and that makes me sad. We really thought we had gotten passed the possibility of a torn ACL in his knee...but I don't know. He isn't limping AS bad today, so that's good. On Friday Brett gave Tag a shot of insulin and then in the morning we had to do another urine sample to see if it affects Tag's levels. Here's hoping it worked! I know we were relieved that it was diabetes and not kidney failure, but the fact of the matter is...I'm seeing my sweet boy in a new light. He is getting older, and his body is now reflecting that. And I don't want to think of saying goodbye right now, but I don't want him to hurt either. And once we know that he is hurting more than enjoying life...we know what we will have to do...and it will be a day that will make me sick. Once more...to pack up one of everything, since we have two with the two dogs. I am tired of packing up one of everything. But for now...we enjoy our Tag. And we give him the best care we can. He has had a GOOOOOOD life!!! My dogs are so pampered!! And he will continue having a good life!! The unpacking is still a gong show. Having people over last night was a good kick in the butt for cleaning the living room and kitchen. And it's nice to see my island cleared of clutter! Brett and I got our new bed Saturday morning (where has a king bed been our whole marriage! It's wonderful!!) so we brought our old bed up to the bonus room. We both just stood there feeling frustrated that there is just so much to do, and we both are feeling overwhelmed! Which is why I don't get to update as much as I'd like. We'll get there. So, I checked the weather network this morning and was DISGUSTED to see that it is supposed to start raining tomorrow until SATURDAY, and then Sunday is supposed to be nice and then rain again on MONDAY!!!!!!!!!!!! WHAT IS GOING ON????!!!! Brett and I were saying we should have built an arc instead of a house!!!!! I feel sooooooooooooooooooooooo bad for all the grain farmers! It breaks my heart! I wonder if any of them ever remember this much rain?! And it gets so depressing!!!! For me it's very difficult as we are STILL waiting for our deck rails to be installed so my dogs can at least get to the dog run from the deck. When it is raining it is HORRIBLE because I have to walk them around the house. And then if they need to go out while Evan is awake...a tad bit tricky to say the least!!!!!! And I'm tired of all the mud!!!!! But I can't expect much else when I live in a new development area with no grass to be seen! It's those moments that make me reeeeeeeeeally miss my old house...the back yard. Bleck!!!!! Well, what else can I update on? I think I'm all updated-out. Once Evan wakes up and has a bottle I'm going to pack him and the dogs up and go for a walk. We can't go to the off-leash now that Tag is limping again, but there is a pond just a few minutes over from us that we walk around. Ya, I have to walk around it at least 3 times to feel like we've actually walked, but it's at least a nice view and area! If Tag wasn't limping I'd make the walk to my parents so we could all enjoy THEIR yard!! I might just drive us all over anyhow. OK, that's about it for today. This actually helped me a bit today!! And if you've read the whole post...bless you! Hugs, Heather

1 comment:

  1. I always read the whole post and am so glad to share your life!!

    Glad it was diabetes and not kidney failure--I hope the insulin helps his last years to be wonderful and I hope he has lots left!

    SO glad little Evan is doing so well and has 'graduated' from a few of your specialists. Keep it up Evan!!!!!!

    You know, you have nothing to apologize for in your changing--how could you not? I always say (in response to statements like, "Well, I didn't want them to be uncomfortable so I just didn't say anything" or something like that), "Well, I promise the uncomfortability I face every time I walk past an empty nursery trumps it all."

    Maybe a little selfish, but your reality. Of course there are parts of the old you, but there are parts of this new you that have no choice but to be indelibly part of who you are in total. Those who feel that they can't handle that are not your fault or your responsibility and you shouldn't feel like you have to apologize for it.

    It's the life you have been given and you are doing the best you can.

    I think you are doing wonderfully.