Four years ago today...

My one belly pic with our identical twins...I was just over 8 weeks here :)

Our first ultrasound just under 7 weeks.  The second empty sac is where Whisper was...

It has been four years.  Four years ago this morning that we were told the most painful news to that point of our lives.  Our identical twins were no longer living.  We would never again see the flickers of their hearts on an ultrasound.  We would never see their movements.  We would never know who they were to become.  We would never meet them on this earth, or hold them in our arms.  Never count those 20 identical fingers and toes.  Never be "tricked" by clothing swaps and silliness.

Four years...and it feels like yesterday.  Does time REALLY pass this fast?! 

And yet...no one remembered.  Not as a cruelty to me, not as an unkind or uncaring way.  I know that.  But I remember.  I'm sure their are a select few who remember along with me...and for that I am truly touched.  But it goes to show how once someone has left this earth...unless they have been a part of lives for more than just weeks, or months...or even brief years...often their names are rarely spoken.  And that is tough.  Tough when all you want to do is have them remembered.  I know they are tucked in hearts and minds.  But I wish I knew why it was so "taboo" to speak of those gone far too soon.  It's like for many of us who have suffered miscarriage, chemical or eptopic pregnancies, stillbirth, and infant death...the names of our cherished children are barely whispered.

I have been blessed.  With heavenly and a surviving earthly child.  But I can't help but smile at the thought, had life turned out a bit more kind and all our children had survived.  We would have a set of triplets (yes, our identical twins had a fraternal triplet for a brief time...which is why we name this little one "whisper") and our fraternal twins, Zac and Evan...had Zac survived past his short 3 days.

Our house would have been pure chaos!  And as much as I know I'm sure I would have whispered words of exhaustion and insanity...I would have cherished every single second of our chaotic "multiples" life!  Yet, I still do.  I still "parent" our 4 heavenly angels.  I still think of them and whisper words of love.  I still dream...not obsess about that which I can never change, but dream of what it all could have been like.

Yes, I am blessed.  And I have the security, faith and promise that one day, I too shall cross through heavens gates...and one day, I will have that chaotic house full of multiples chaos.  I will meet our first three angels.  I will, for the first time ever, be able to hold them in my arms.  I will get to embrace Zac once again.  When our lives have passed from this earth...my five children will surround Brett and I, and we will know all that we have had to wait for.

An old friend of mine was so loving and kind as to send this following quote to me today.  She felt it fit well on a milestone day like today...and I cherish her for lovingly sending it to me.  

I love this quote from Dietrich Bonhoeffer and it seems to fit so well for you today...  "Nothing can fill the gap when we are away from those we love, and it would be wrong to try and find anything. We must simply hold out and win through. That sounds hard at first, but at the same time, a great consolation since leaving the gap unfilled preserves the bond between us. It is nonsense to say that God fills the gap; He does not fill it but keeps it empty so that our communion with another may be kept alive, even at the cost of pain."

I love that quote.  And it does fit.  It fits so well.  And I am forever thankful for these words.

On Facebook I follow a group called Jesus Daily, and this was todays post:

"Carry me through today, Lord, With gentle wings from above! Carry me through today, Lord, Let me feel your love! I shall not worry about tomorrow, Yesterday is gone. Just carry me through today, Lord, That's where I belong! Through all my trials and troubles, I know that you are there, Sometimes it's hard to see You, Through each tear and care. Carry me through today, Lord, Don't let me slip away. Tomorrow may be taken from me, So carry me through today! Amen."

Again, so very fitting for me today.  

Sadness and tears do not equal lack of faith or weakness.  It shows that we are human, and that we feel emotion as God created us to!  He wept.  If He can weep...why shouldn't we?!  Why should we lower our heads in shame.  Why should we quickly wipe away the tears that may fall for fear that someone may see us?  If someone sees us...my word...they should be able to offer a smile of comfort, an arm of compassion.  If we see someone shedding a tear, or we know that the smile on their face is only an attempt to protect the pain in their eyes...shame on us if we don't do something to let that person know that we care...and that we hurt too.  We are all human.  And we should be able to extend a hand of compassion.  

I know I try to quickly wipe away my tears.  I duck my head.  I hide behind the "mastered smile" of being okay.  And I too need to allow others "in" and allow them to extend that hand of compassion that I often need...even though I pretend like I'm strong enough on my own.

Anyhow...I appreciated these quotes today on such a painful marker day.  The day we were looked at with pity and sympathy and were told "I am so very sorry..."

And though my heart will always ache, and tears will always fall for all my heavenly angels...I could not rejoice more in the knowledge that our time together was not a finality...it was only the begin of eternity!  Because God allowed His only son as on offering to free me from my sins, and to a life of eternity...I am filled with hope and awe and...joy.

Until our lives are rejoined once more and never again to part...I love you all my sweet angels!

xoxoxo