I often write about the struggle between joy and sorrow. And of course that is a part of my inner weaving now. And will always be. But today I want to focus on my joy. My love for Evan. How very much I cherish my 3 year old little boy.
More and more I realise how fast time goes. How quickly Evan is growing up. How these precious moments will quickly pass where he wants to "climb" up in my arms and wrap himself around me. How he adores the fact that I will take the time to lay beside him as he falls asleep at nap time or bedtime. And how he loves to drape his arm over my neck while he drifts off to sleep.
The sound of his breath. The smell of his skin. The touch of his hand...
To the point that often I get teary-eyed watching him as he sleeps, or hearing him playing and the way his imagination has blossomed, or the way my heart melts as he asks to hold my hand.
Yes, the mom in me who wishes that Zac could be with us in these times aches...but the mom I am to Evan here on earth...I feel so ridiculously undeserving of such a treasure and of such a gift and of such love. I can barely type for the tears in my eyes just thinking of it all.
As I laid beside Evan this afternoon as he drifted off for a nap I realized that my mind had gone to the morning of Zac's passing...which is tomorrow, March 9th...his heavenly home date. My mind flung me right back to that conversation with Zac's neonatologist...those horrid words a parent should never hear, the decision no parent should ever have to make. The time we spent with Zac in our arms, and the moment I knew he took his final breath on me. Leaving that room without our son.
And my heart stopped. My heart once again broke in to a zillion and one pieces.
And then I opened my eyes and watched Evan as he slept. The peaceful look on his face. His little hand still holding mine. And I thought back to every single second he spent in NICU fighting to come home. I thought of all the times I wanted so badly to hold him, but could not. The times I just wanted to touch him, but had to hold back and be satisfied with just my finger in his teeny tiny hand. How I feared for every day he was apart from me. Those were the longest 66 days of my life, and the hardest to be apart. He was there in front of me, yet I couldn't hold him. He was there...but we were still apart. Wathcing him growing in an isolette the way he should have been growing in me. And my nights were filled with fear when I had to go home. If I could have, I would have stayed sitting in that chair beside his isolette all night, not just all day.
So yes, I cherish every today that I have with Evan. Yes, I cherish every hug, kiss, snuggle, "love you mom", hockey/soccer/basketball game, every fit, every time I catch myself feeling "tired". I cherish it all, because it goes too fast.
Today Evan told me he wanted to go to school like his cousin Finley. And the very thought of the first day of school made my stomach drop. How can time go so fast. And how do I get ready to be apart from my little man again...even if it's just school!
I feel like no amount of time can make up for those 66 days we were together, yet apart.
He will always be my little boy. Always. And I just pray pray pray for him and his future. I pray for his peace, his wisdom, his strength, his confidence, his kind heart, his drive, his ambition, his acceptance, his love.
But today, he is my little boy. Today I will continue to scoop him up and snuggle him in and help him in whatever way he needs. I will continue to cherish each today that I have been blessed with him.
And I will never stop letting him know that he is CHERISHED.
I love you so very much my sweet Evan!!
I love my boys with all my heart. That will never change!