I haven't had much time (or energy for that matter) to update my blog. Although it it almost 1 in the morning, and really...I SHOULD be sleeping...here I am. I will regret it when my alarm goes off in 6 hours, but hey, what can ya do! In all honesty, my mind is racing a mile a minute and even if I tried to climb in to bed now...my mind would not stop. And I'm tired of trying to keep up with my mind.
So, instead I have set up my couch to curl up on, and am watching (for about the 20th time) My Big Fat Greek Wedding. Nothing like a chilled chick flick to help calm the deep thoughts of ones mind!
I have also been crazy busy with planning Evan's 3rd birthday, and Zac's 3rd heaven birthday. So pretty much all my "spare" time has been submerged in that. I've been having a great time with this one...yet more and more I am coming to accept that the all-too familiar sting and kick in the gut of knowing that Zac will never be a part of these on earth will always be a part of the birthday planning. I won't even try to deny that, and won't pretend I don't feel that pain...and won't apologize for it either.
It doesn't mean that I'm not giggling, laughing and feeling giddy about my birthday projects (I have so far out done myself and have set a bar of standard within me!). It doesn't mean that I'm not smiling and looking forward to the day of celebrating the birth of our sons. Nope, it doesn't mean that I'm dragging myself around or feeling sorry for myself. It just means that...I miss Zac. I miss three years of birthday celebrations without him in photos or digging in to cake or opening presents with his brother or hearing people singing "Happy Birthday to Evan AND Zac". It means my heart aches because my baby is not here.
I KNOW that heaven will be throwing such a wonderful party for him! I know that his siblings are surrounding him. I know that family celebrate with him. And I know that one day we will party together too. I know he is happy, he is whole, he is healthy, he is complete, he is PERFECT. And for that reason...I can make it through another birthday without him here on earth. Of course, he will still be a part of the day. He will still have a cake with his name on it. He will have his picture present. He IS present in our hearts and our minds. He is not forgotten. He is loved and cherished and missed.
I haven't let Evan see any of the party planning that I've been sweating over...literally. Evan is HUGE in to "Jake and the Neverland Pirates"...but do you think there are any stores that carry such themes!? NOPE. So, I had to create it myself :) And boy am I proud! I drew out, colored and cut out each character (including the parrot!), and will be hanging them on one wall in the kitchen. I found a wooden pirate ship that I painted and filled with pirate coins. I found pirate face masks for Evan and his friends to color and hopefully get a picture of them all together with them holding them in front of their faces. I drew out a big Captain Hook head and will do "stick the eye patch on the pirate".
And Evan's cake is the Jake character. Zac's...a colorful rainbow. Those I have yet to do.
Yes, this is always a bitter-sweet time, but it's not like that feeling doesn't usually daily exist. It's just this is just so much more magnified. But, I'm looking forward to Evan's party, which we are having on Saturday since the boys birthdays actually land on a week day.
So, what does this have to do with my title of my blog? Nothing. Just what has been keeping me busy these days.
What does the title of my blog post mean? Not sure really. I guess I was feeling a bit of self-pity in other areas of life...but here are the amazing three bits of good things that have recently happened!
1) My very best friend got engaged after years of tears, prayers and wondering. I am soooooo excited for her, and my heart leaped bounds when I got the official call of the news!!!! This is going to be a very very special wedding day!!!!!!
2) My sweet furbaby Bailey received WONDERFUL news!! Yes, the tumor the vet removed was cancerous, but it was a low-grade, and the pathologist report came back saying all the margins were clear...so THEY GOT IT!!!! Yes, we still have to keep an eye on here as these tumors do come back...but now we are more prepared for what to look for.
3) My grandma received some encouraging news to a scare we had. Still some stuff to get through, but believing that she will come out on top!
After all this good news I found myself saying to Brett, and my mom, "so, isn't the saying "good things come in threes"?". But then what? Does it mean some tough stuff has to happen again in order for a new round of good things? I'm hoping that's not it...because I really need some good stuff to happen for us personally.
I don't mean to make light of the amazing news of the three good things I mentioned above, or to take away from those...because each is HUGE and SUCH a blessing!
I guess part of my silence here on my blog is because I'm not sure what my blog does any more. Not sure where I see it going. I guess now I want it to focus on how God is leading me through new valleys and hopeful mountain tops. I guess how God is strengthening me and teaching me new things.
But as for sharing personal trials like I used to? I don't know. I guess I just feel so guarded. And I guess because part of me feels like in sharing our recent struggles it will put me under a microscope that I don't want. But I guess it's this new valley development where I'm learning more about God's provision of help and strength...so maybe I'll share the gist of it.
We have 5 remaining little frostie babies. Yes, they are literally frozen in time, but there are 4 embryos and 1 blastocyte remaining from our second IVF cycle. They may be frozen, but none the less...they are our children.
Our first frozen embryo transfer (FET) resulted in a negative pregnancy result. I was "prepared" for that very real possibility, especially since we only transfered one embryo (we are NOT comfortable transfering more than one at a time because of my history of multiples and the outcome of my pregnancies). It still hurt to hear "negative", and tears were shed because that meant another one of our children would not come home. But I was able to come to a place of acceptance and we moved forward to our next FET cycle.
Our second cycle was cancelled due to a poor endometrial lining.
I was crushed, and NEVER saw that coming. TOTALLY blind-sided but this new "reality" that things don't just go easy. It's not just transfer one back and bang, get pregnant. Nope. And my faith took another hit. BUT, I gathered myself and on we went to try again.
Our third cycle...again cancelled for the same reason. This time my lining was only 1MM under what my fertility doctor prefers for transfer. They like a lining of at least 7mm.
I was FURIOUS and...broken.
So very very very broken.
It's one blow to have miscarried our first identical twins. It's another massive blow to bury another child, another twin, after having him take his last breath in my arms.
It's now another huge blow to face the fact that my body is failing our remaining babies. That my body won't even ALLOW me to GET to them.
Do you have any idea what it feels like to have that feeling of failing so many times? Of failing my children.
Yes, I know that "feeling" is not something I should put on myself...but as a woman, when it's your own body that won't even cooperate at the highest doses of medication...and you can't even GET to transfer after all these years of fighting and fighting and shedding tears trying to conceive and then all the losses we've had...how can I not feel like a failure?
I know it is the enemy. And that is what I'm learning over and over. These feelings and thoughts are not from God. These are attacks from the enemy to destroy my faith and to destroy my already shaky self-image. I know God requires faith. I know He needs me to have faith that no matter what this valley leads us to, He will walk beside us and will provide the strength...good or bad/sad.
God never promised that I wouldn't have tough times. And that...I get.
He never told me He would answer prayers because I "deserve" it. I love love love that people in my life feel I deserve this happiness and these answers to prayers...but really...none of us "deserve" anything. Not really. I don't know if "deserve" is the right word. Because what happens when prayers aren't answered the way we ask, and if things don't turn out the way we hope? Does that mean that God doesn't think we deserve it? No, not at all. And what does it mean when so many hurt, and their prayers aren't answered in the way we think they should be? Are THEY not deserving?
I love all the best meaning encouragement and love that people love me so much that they feel we deserve a happy outcome...but all I can pray for is strength to endure whatever comes.
My options for my current plight? Hoping that a huge medication dose increase helps to fix this issue. My other options, not ones I'm comfortable sharing at this time.
I'm just praying praying praying that God will hear and answer our cries, and that this last ditch medication protocol will work. Because if it doesn't...how do I face what's next? How do I face knowing that our babies may never enter this world?
So yes...I'm praying that good things come in more than just threes. I'm praying that through this valley God will shine...even if it means being challenged more than I ever thought possible. Even if it means having to overcome more heart ache. Praying that God will hear the prayers of those petitioning for us. And praying that I've not shared too much! Like I say...I am feeling very vulnerable and guarded these days, and just pray that in opening up about this that someone else out there may find the courage to face their valley as well.
Anyhow, it's almost 2am, and my alarm will be going off at 7am...and it's my last day of party prepping and lots to do still...so I had BETTER try to get some sleep. Time to turn this brain off.
For God did not give us a spirit of fear, but of love, joy and sound mind...