I am still confident of this:
I will see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living.
Wait for the Lord;
be strong and take heart
and wait for the Lord
Psalm 27: 13-14

Tuesday, March 6, 2012

Three years already?!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO MY BOYS!!

 



March 6, 2009...10:51pm Zac Michael flew in to this world with severe urgency.  10:52pm Evan Brett biskly followed.  

I don't know the details outside of the explanation from Brett.  I have no memories of their birth, other than the panic in the operating OB's voice.  I remember feeling like someone was soffocating me because of the mask.  And then I remember waking up in agony, and then fear, begging and crying for Brett to tell me our sons were alive.
He assured me they were.  He showed me pictures he was able to take.  He was able to see them briefly.
Brett and I were unable to be together due to the severe urgency of the delivery.  We didn't get to hold hands and whisper our fears and joys.  He wasn't able to keep me grounded in that room.  We didn't get to hear our sons cry.  Or see them lifted.  Or have them placed on my chest one at a time for me to see, and melt over and become a blubbering mess of tears.

Not your typical pregnancy and delivery.  12 weeks and a day early my boys were born.  17 weeks of fear from my 23rd week of pregnancy.

I try not to live in the past of what was not.  No, I didn't get a full pregnancy.  No, I didn't get to enjoy it the way others do.  No, I didn't get to even live in my own home for 5 weeks before they were born.  And no...we did not get to bring both of our sons home.

But...I had 28 weeks with my sons alive and crazy inside of me.  I had 28 weeks of being something I never thought I would - PREGNANT.  I had wonderful care those 5 weeks I became an in-patient on the antepartum ward at RUH.   My sons had wonderful care, and were loved and known by all.  
I HAVE precious sons.  Yes, one in my arms and one only carried in my heart and my mind...until heaven of course.  But I have the world, because I have them.  

I try not to stay paralyzed in what I can not change or understand.  I am trying to become a person facing forward...not forgetting, just facing forward.  I am trying not to focus on what we lost, but what we HAVE.  That includes both our sons.

My heart will always be a mess of joy and sorrow.  It will.  And that is something I can't change.  But I can change how I face each day, and how I face my relationship with God, and how I face my tomorrow's.  I have that choice.  I had no choice in what transpired in my pregnancy and then the passing of Zac.  I had no choice.  But my present and my future...I have a choice on how I face it.  And I need both of my sons to be proud of me!  I WANT them to be proud of me.  

I can't believe how fast time goes.  Three years.  My 2lb 9ou baby boy Evan has turned 3 years old today.  He is my everything.  And every time I feel his arms around me I melt.  Every time I hear him tell me that he loves me, I melt.  And every time I feel his hand take mine...I melt.  

He is a miracle.  

I won't post any pictures just yet of his birthday party from Saturday, because we have a bit more partying to do tonight :)  But on Saturday our house was filled with family and friends who have been a very special part of Evan's life and each who mean the world to us.  
Evan was sooooooo excited about his birthday party!  For days he kept asking if it was time for his party yet.  So when the day arrived, he was PUMPED!

I spent a few sleepless (literally...maybe 2 hours of sleep each night!) nights prepping and getting everything ready.  The Friday night I didn't finally let myself lay down until 5:30am, and then was back up at 7am.  But even though I was tired, I'm glad I did that, because other than cleaning my house that Saturday (which STILL took me 4 hours!)...I was able to chill out and feel calm because everything was ready.

While I was cleaning I sent Brett and Evan out to have some lunch together and to pick up the wraps I had ordered for dinner that day.  While Evan was gone I put up all the posters that I had done for him.  He is HUGE in to Jake and the Neverland Pirates...so I drew out each character and colored them and cut them out and then put them up on the wall.  The coloring took a few days, but thanks to the use of an old-school overhead projector I was able to have some help with guiding me I was able to trace out the 6 characters in a few hours.  And the cutting out was tedious and even somewhat painful on the ol' hands...but MAN did I EVER have fun!!!!!!  And when Brett and Evan came back home from their outting, and Evan saw the wall of the characters, and I saw the look on his face...it was WORTH IT ALL!!!!!  Absolutely worth it all!

I had found pirate masks that each of Evan's friends and cousins got to color and take home.  They were wooden.  And I also found a pirate ship that I painted up and put in a bunch of "golds of bloom"...pirate gold :)  And then was informed that the pirate ship was a cool BIRD HOUSE!  Yes, it is indeed a bird house...but I didn't even clue in to that fact when I bought it!!  Too funny!

I also made a cake each for Evan and for Zac.  That's just a given that I will do that every year.  And that was pretty fun too.  But tonight we are making another one to have with the grandparents for Evan's actual birthday.  Of which I really need to start baking soon! 

It was such a fun day, and Evan had so much fun with his friends and cousins.  And I wanted to explode inside watching our little guy...just taking every moment in and every giggle and every look of excitement.  I want to engrave every minute of every day in my mind.  Never take a single thing for granted just because I may be tired, or need to clean, or need to make supper or just need some "me" time.  Sure, I'm human and that happens...but every time I realize that I'm focusing on things that aren't worth stressing over...I catch myself and I remind myself how fast all of this could have disappeared.
How memories could have never happened.  

I still struggle when everyone sings Happy Birthday.  I hurt inside because I so badly want to hear Zac's name included.  But I know he is partying in heaven.  I know I will sing to him for each year he missed here on earth.  

A dear dear dear friend of mine did something absolutley extraordinary.  She made BEAUTIFUL name plaques for BOTH the boys.  Zac's I received after so I could open on my own (and I'm greatful for that because I cried when I saw it!).  My heart was overwhelmed.  It was so full of love and appreciation for her strength to not wonder how I would react or if it would be painful for me.  She knows me well enough now to know that I will always treasure such an act of love and selflessness.  That she would remember Zac too...is precious, and appreciated, and cherished.  
I will include pictures of those too once I post some.

The day was wonderful, and the evening carried on in a special way.  Evan's NICU sweetie and her mom and dad (my dear friend I was just mentioning above) stayed the evening with us, and we got to just soak in watching our little wonders play together.  It is AMAZING watching how fast they just connect (the live out of town so we don't see each other a ton).  It's seriously like they have this connection that we will never fully understand.  They basically "grew up" side by side in the NICU...of course side by side in their own incubators!  But like they know each others presence.  It's WILD!  And to watch them now, normal three year olds, being silly and laughing and hugging each other...you have no idea the tears this brings to my eyes.  No idea the amazement it creates in me.  How intense it is to have friends who know so closely the fears of wondering if your child will survive, and then getting to bring them home.  As much as I wish this journey had never happened to either of us...I am glad that God placed us in each others lives.  And SO greatful for the friendship that has grown.

Memories are so intense.  

Three years...and it happened in the blink of an eye.  How much more clichè can I be!!  The one who can't stand typical clichès.  But it's true.  It happens so fast.  Time goes so fast.

I am blessed beyond blessed.  Greatful beyond greatful.  Thankful for our sons and the joy and love they have each brought to our lives.

Happy Birthday my sweet boys.  Happy Birthday Evan and Zac.

"I'll love you forever;
I'll like you for always,
As long as I'm living
my baby you'll be."  (Robert Munsch)

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