That is what my tea mug says. With a beautiful butterfly on it. And the verse:
"Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication, with Thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God." Philippians 4:6
I love this verse...yet, for a life-long worrier as myself...it's a tough one to follow. Be anxious for...nothing?! Yes, that is a loaded thought for me. Yet...what a FREEING reality to know that truly we do not have to be anxious. Anxiety is naaaaasty. I know. Anxiety for myself is heart thumping, pulse racing, absolutely NO appetite causing, rapid drops in weight (trust me...it comes back when the anxiety subsides! So it's not like it's a help or anything!)
I know that anxiety and worry do nothing but rob us of our joy and hope. And of course...what more could the enemy want! He wants to rob our joy and hope. But why is it such a battle to let go of that which robs us? Why do we keep thinking that we can control the uncontrollable? Things that we literally can not humanly change on our own!
We take on a lot. We try with all our might, thinking we can do things better. That in those time where we feel alone then we were right all along in taking the reigns.
No, not really. That's when we held on so tight we pushed God to the back of the equation and chose to believe in our own strength more than His. And, ummm, I think He is just a "tad" bit stronger than we could ever be, don't you?!
So, with head hung low I hand back the reigns to God...but still want to hold on to a piece of that "control"...even then. Even in that desire to let it all go and leave it to God...I STILL believe that I can manage it on my own.
I'm a stubborn girl. I'm a strong-willed girl. I'm a...silly girl.
For all my anxiety and worry and "control" has brought me nothing more than knots in my stomach, a pulse that races beyond ridiculous, a mind that feels paralyzed in the "what ifs" of life. So really, what has all my anxiety and worry done for me in a positive way? Hmmmmm, can't think of much right at the moment.
Yet, those "painful" letting-it-go moments...are wildly freeing and releasing and just so darn nice!
To feel that anxiety draining away...it's like watching dirty water going down the drain. Now, if only I would just rinse the remaining anxiety from my life like I rinse the sink after draining that dirty water. Because the residue of my anxiety, without fail...returns with a vengence.
And like a dirty, unrinsed sink...it STINKS!
Why do we find it so hard to believe that God truly does want us not to worry?! He IS in control. So why do we worry? Why do we doubt?
I've never "understood" a non-worrier. Never really gotten how they manage to stay so calm and focused. And I've envied them from a distance, yet, I still feel "safe" in my worry and "control".
When will I ever learn?
And of course it's "easier" to have the hand-it-over, no-worry mentality when things are going relatively good. But come that whollop of struggle... that desire to "handle it" comes flying back.
It's crazy how logic and emotion can play two very polar opposite roles. Can create such a difference in struggle. My logic knows what I need to do. My emotions go running wildly in the opposite direction. And my faith begins to feel...well, weak. Because I'm scared. Lets be honest. That's what it comes down too. I'm...scared.
Scared to hurt when the answer is not what I've been praying for. Scared to be pushed in a new direction. Scared to find the courage to face a new path. Scared to be challenged.
I guess I've felt to stretched, pushed, challenged for so long that I'm beginning to feel like one of those rubber stretch toys that you can pull in a million different ways...except, I keep wondering when I'm going to snap :)
Yet, that's where I appreciate and am thankful for my stubborn side. I refuse to be beat. Even when I feel I've been worked over to a bloody pulp. I refuse to give up, even when it all feels so bleak. I refuse to cave to the devil's lies...because I know...he lies. He doesn't love me, he wants to destroy me. So for that very fact...I refuse to let him win. He will not take me down.
I may hurt. I may question. I may wonder how I will take my next breath. But I WILL fight. Even when it hurts every fibre of my being. I will fight.
There are two songs that have reeeeeeally been my daily encouragement lately. Well, there are TONS, but these two particularly help give me the strength I need through the day. They are both from the CD "Here for You" by Passion. I wish I were more Blogger-Savey so I could just link the two songs from youtube, but if you ever want to hear them, just go to youtube and search for Here For You - Always, and Here For You - Sometimes.
Seriously...listen to them.
But for now, I want to share the lyrics. And I hope that even just reading the words encourage someone. I really have no idea who or if anyone reads this blog much any more, but for whoever does...I hope these lyrics strike a cord (though hearing the actual songs will really really touch you, I just know it!).
Sometimes - Passion
Sometimes every one of us feels
Like we'll never be healed
Sometimes
Sometimes every one of us aches
Like we'll never be saved
Sometimes
When we've given up
Let Your healing come
When there's nothing left
Let Your healing come
'Til we're rising up
Let Your healing come
Where You go, we will follow
Where You go, we will follow
It's Your love that we adore
It's like a sea without a shore
We're lost in You, we"re lost in You
It's Your love that we adore
It's like a sea without a shore
We're lost in You, we're lost in You
Sometimes
Sometimes
It's like we'll never atone
For all the love we've known
Sometimes
Like in a smile or a song
When you feel it come
And that feeling's gone
It flies
When we've given up
Let Your healing come
When there's nothing left
Let Your healing come
Feel it rising up
Let Your healing come
Where You go, we will follow
Where You go, we will follow
Always - Passion
My foes are many
They rise against me
But I will hold my ground
I will not fear the war
I will not fear the storm
My help is on the way
My help is on the way
Oh, my God
He will not delay
My refuge and strength, always
I will not fear
His promise is true
My God will come through, always
Always
Trouble surrounds me
Chaos abounding
My soul will rest in You
I will not fear the war
I will not fear the storm
My help is on the way
My help is on the way
I lift my eyes up
My help comes from the Lord.
Truly, if you can go listen to the songs...you won't regret it.
Don't give in. Don't give up. Find your fight...and fight!
And know that I am praying for us all!
Oh friend....I feel you! I know just what you mean...I think people think that when we give it to God, we are supposed to just sit and wait for it all regardless of the pain or hurt or suffering that we know can (and does) accompany living in this world.
ReplyDeleteAnd seriously, WHAT HUMAN can honestly do that? Even Jesus asked God if there was ANY other way.
Even Jesus was not thrilled with the outcomes knowing that giving it to God did NOT preclude us from suffering or hurting. And to joyfully say, "BRING THE PAIN ON, GOD!" is just not normal. You are not alone.
But I love how beautifully you describe yourself and agree...your 'stubborn' will to live and love this life, and take it all the best you can is precious. Praying for you every day. I know this last week has been so hard...you are in my heart. I read Luke one of your books at least three times a week and every time, say a prayer for you right that second!
I wanted to say thanks for the lyrics, they spoke to me. I wandered over from Lori's blog awhile ago and then stuck around. Praying for you.
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