And the milestone moments keep coming...

We've always been SOOOOO careful with Evan and his exposure to crowds.  We've been cautious (and rightfully so) with germs.  We have taken careful steps and measures that have resulted in a healthy 2 years so far.  And I wouldn't change how cautious and careful we were, and remain.

But this did result in stepping back from our church.  

But this last Sunday, we returned :)

AND, Evan went to CHILDREN'S CHURCH!!!!!!!!!!!  

He stayed with us in the sanctuary during praise and worship because he loves music, and then I took him to his 2 year old class.  It was HARD for ME!  I got him settled in and hung out with him for a few minutes...and then he was off playing with the other kids!  I went up to him and said "will you be okay if mommy leaves now?" and he confidently said to me "okay mommy!  Bye!"...and off he went!  

Can I just say...I was the one almost in tears as I left the room!  This was HUGE for me because we have NEVER left Evan with anyone but our parents...and he has never been a setting of a class of children before.  I've known that he would LOVE it.  He loves playing with kids and loves activity...so I knew it would be a breeze for him.  But it was soooooooooo strange for me!  I was so ridiculously proud of him!  And so relieved that he had so much fun!  Yet...it was hard to realize how quickly he is growing up.  How much more independent he is becoming.  And that I have to face that my little wonder is becoming this little independent person.

Crazy.  It truly does go so very fast.

So many milestone have passed...and so many more are ahead of us.  I am just blessed to get to be witness to them, and to watch who he is becoming.  He truly is an amazing little boy...and I am one very lucky mommy! 

Summer fun...

Well, we are back from a wonderful summer getaway with our sweet friends.  We were off to Kelowna, BC once again this year.  We had gone last year with these same friends, and after our last FET failed we realized there was no reason not to go again this year.  So last minute I booked a condo at the resort we all stay at, booked flights this year (decided to try that route instead of the loooong drive) and began the craziness of packing and prepping.

We left the early evening on the 21st of August.  Our flight had a stop over in Edmonton, AB, and while we were waiting on the plane for additional passengers one of the flight attendants asked if Evan would like to go up to the cockpit and "fly" the plane!

My lil' pilot!

Yes, he was certainly beyond thrilled!!!  Before we even left we had told him about the plane, and he would cry because we said he wasn't going to be allowed to fly it!  Well...this made his day!!

He did SO good!  I was worried as this was his first flight, and worried about his ears, etc.  Yup, the worrier in me was proven to be a fool once more...he was FINE!  He was such a big boy!

When we got to Kelowna we went to pick up our car rental.  While I was dealing with the guy I turned and saw Evan's carry on suitcase, his little Lightening McQueen suitcase that he pulls on his own...but no Evan!  I asked Brett and his face froze...we couldn't see him around us.
Can I just say...that split second of taking your eyes off your child is the worst split second decision in the world when you think of how this could have resulted.  We both went white...but then I looked just a couple feet and Evan was climbing on a carry on weight/measurement scale.
I have never felt so sick in my life.  The thought that someone could have easily had taken our son.  The thought of that moment and feeling still makes me tear up and feel sick to my stomach.  I would have died right there.  Honestly.

ANYHOW, thank God everything was okay.  But we kicked up our usual "watch like a hawk" habits in to high gear!
We got to our condo and started to settle in.  Then went to say hello to our friends and let them know we were there.
Poor Evan was so tired!  But he was so proud of himself because he got to sleep on a futon!  Yup...big boy bed time.  The hunt for a new bed is officially on!

Our 10 days were filled with GLORIOUS sun and heat.  Perfect for swimming at the pool and playing at the beach!!  We had such a wonderful time...and MY little holiday time (me time) was Evan's nap time in the afternoon.  Brett would hang in the condo while Evan slept and I would go and hang out by the pool and get nice and toasty brown!  I DID start out good the first couple of days with going to the gym and doing my Shred video...but then I realized...how much longer was this sun and heat going to last!  What was I doing!  I came to the conclusion that it was okay to give myself a holiday from my workout routine.  Now it's just time to get back in to the routine!!  But, I don't feel too swayed from it with breaking on holiday.  I'm excited to gear up once more!

Our last day we decided to go to the beach and feed the ducks our left over bread.  It was CRAZY!  They were every where!  And sooooooo sweet!!!!  It was a blast, but Evan was not too terribly impressed!  So funny!!

All my ducky friends!

Evan was far from impressed!

Too sweet...they'd just eat right from your hand, and walk across your feet!

Our trip home was another story.  First, we had tried to switch our 10:45am flight to a 7am flight that would have gotten us home by 10:30am.  When I okayed the change charges with the girl on the phone, she put me on hold to get everything started, then came back about 5 minutes later appologizing that the "system" had made a calculation error and it was going to cost more.  When she told me the amount, I said to forget it, we'd keep our original flights.
Well...hindsight...we should have just paid it and gotten home.
Our 2 hour flight (plus a 3 hour layover) ended up taking us 12 hours of airports and 3 flights to get home!  Our layover in Edmonton which was supposed to be 3 hours, turned in to 6 1/2 hours, but then got cancelled and we were all dispersed to different flights.
We finally left Edmonton, got to Calgary and literally went straight on to our next plane when we got off the first one.  And finally got home just before 9pm.
Then Brett's suitcase and golf clubs and Evan's suitcase were lost after it all!  Oiy!
It was almost 11pm by the time Evan got to bed.  He was so tired and just didn't want to sleep alone so I put him on our bed, turned to turn on some music and looked back at him and he was OUT COLD!!!!  TOO funny!!!!

I didn't realize how much I needed to get away as well.  How much I needed to recharge.  How tired I've been.  How much I needed to focus on MY little family.  Now being back home and finding this semi-renewed sense of charge-up...I see just how much I needed it.

Holidays are always odd.  They are awesome, don't get me wrong...but knowing we are missing someone...it can catch you.  That feeling.  That knowledge.  That pang of sadness.  We both felt it.
We wished Zac could be a part of it all with us, like he should have been.

It always hits me especially when I see another family complete with both their twins.  And while I was alone by the pool one day I was greatful for my dark sunglasses and hat as I watched a couple with their twin sons...who would have been about 2 years old as well, swimming together and playing in the pool.  Mom with one son, dad with the other.  Just as Brett and I always enjoyed planning out while I was pregnant with Zac and Evan.
But this time, yes, tears slid down my face...but I was able to watch them for a little bit instead of running to another part of the deck.  And to me, that was a small victory. 

Being away is nice.  It's nice to get to be "hidden" in a sense.  Even though real life is always within you...on holidays it's like you can just let loose and just "BE"!  It is special to get to spend time together with friends and have the kids growing a friendship and bond.  It's nice to be with people you can just have no pretenses with.  Just be real.  Say what's on your mind and know it's okay.  And to laugh with true laughter.
Don't get me wrong...I'm not saying I don't have people at home like this...it's just nice to get to be with friends who aren't in your same city and just know that time doesn't change or hamper friendship.
We love you guys!!

Here are a couple of my highlight pictures...but there are far too many to share!

My little water-bug :)

Warming up in the sun.  Someone needed his shades!

Ah glorious sun!!

My favorite Willow tree at the beach

On a train ride with our buddies!

Beach Bum fun...doesn't it look like they are having fun?!  hee hee hee

Quails Gate Winery.  Grape vine.  Sooo wanted to taste it!

Mommy and Me

More pool time fun!

Snuggle Bugs!

My rock climbing wonder!

My heart and soul!!

Keep fighting...

Some days you just need a reminder to keep fighting.  A reminder of what you have been and ARE fighting for.  A reminder of who is fighting FOR YOU!  

I always referred to Zac and Evan as our "Fighter Boys".  They are forever my Fighter Boys.  I've never known such strength and determination.  Zac for the weeks he fought to hang in there for all of us.  Evan for giving his brother the encouragement to keep fighting.  And both of our boys for giving me the reasons to keep fighting.  

And now every day I look at Evan, I see each of those 5 weeks he fought along side with Zac, and then the 66 days he fought to come home.  I see his strength every single day.

And I feel Zac's hand on my heart giving me the strength to know that he is okay, and that he loves us.

Our boys fought every day for life.  And I will always fight for them!  

My sister-in-law made Evan the t-shirt that he is wearing in the above picture.  I memorium to Zac, and a testiment of who Evan is...a Warrior.

Then yesterday...I found the shirt that I am wearing above with the boxing gloves.  And I HAD to have it!  Boxing gloves have always been the symbol of our sons.  And when I saw it, and put it on...it reminded me that you just have to keep fighting...no matter how dark a day may seem or how weak you may feel.  You need to keep fighting.

Just keep fighting!!

It may seem like no big deal to some...but to ME.......

After we lost our first twins, I couldn't stand seeing the two-seater grocery carts, the kids grocery carts with the double car front...and especially the Costco shopping cart.  It broke me because after losing Whisper, then Jack and Ethan...those seats would always be empty.

Then when we found out we were expecting Zac and Evan...I felt so excited (after a long while of dealing with fear of course) to think that my boys would sit side by side in those carts, or would be tooting the horns on the car front shopping carts...and yes...especially that Costco shopping cart.

Crazy the things that we look forward to.  
Heart breaking the things that never come to be.

HOWEVER...today was a HUGE milestone for ME personally!  Today at the grocery store that has the shopping cart with the ride in front double car with toy steering wheels...Evan saw it, and just HAD to ride in it.  What a strange moment of emotions came over me!  Yet...to him, it's new and it's entertaining when you have to be dragged around for groceries!  So...after I did a major sanitizing of both (disgustingly) dirty steering wheels, he was in and we were off.  

I DID IT!!!!!!!  

I made it through with laughing along with him and swallowing back the misty eyes that wanted to drip with tears.  I didn't allow my heart ache to interfere with his joy and excitement...and I felt so darn proud of myself.

Yes...it stung.  It will always sting not hearing Evan and Zac "driving" together.  But I focused on Evan and watching him explore this new ride and the moment.

And even though Zac may not have been right there in the cart with Evan...he was with us.  Giggling and laughing as he watched his brother.  Cheering me on with his hand on my heart, letting me know he is okay...and it's okay to experience these moments with Evan without feeling guilt or sadness.

I did it...

Stop waiting...Start living

This has been weighing on me heavily for the past few days.  When does a person stop living in the "what ifs" and "hope for's", and starts LIVING for TODAY?

When you have such dreams and hopes...but they just seem to want to stay that way...how do you just come to terms with the fact they may always be just that...hopes and dreams?

And it's GOOD to have hopes and dreams.  It drives a person and gives us goals.  We NEED hope.  We NEED dreams.

But when do they become more of a distraction to the "weighing down" then they do a positive driving force?

Maybe when it becomes all we think about.

For me...it is the desire to "give" Evan a living sibling.  It is our 11 year journey to achieve a "family".  (I quote that, because regardless of a child or not...Brett and I have ALWAYS been a family together!)

I have not shared about our recent "loss", but we did go through another embryo transfer...that did not result in a pregnancy.  And that was a painful loss for me.  Even though I knew the reality.  We have chosen ONLY single embryo transfers as none of us (my fertility doctor, my husband, ME) want to see me go through a third multiple pregnancy.  There are too many risks for me and obviously my body can't handle that.

I know doing a single transfer lessens the success rates for pregnancy...but it ALMOST eliminates the chance of multiples.  Keep in mind...our first pregnancy resulted in an identical twin pregnancy from one embryo splitting.  I was in the 1% risk bracket of that occuring. 

Anyhow...I don't know when we will try again.  We still have 4 embryos and 1 blastocyte remaining "frozen in time".  Obviously we WILL try again...these are our little ones, and of course we will not leave them behind.  But the "when" is another thing.

My big thing right now is wanting to just LIVE for TODAY, and to stop wondering what MIGHT happen tomorrow/in the future.  And it's hard to do. 

I have a good life.  One with some deep scars and wounds...but a good and blessed life.  I want to enjoy each day as they happen.  I love to swallow Evan up in love and joy and laughter and all my focus on him.  And he deserves every second of it.  We are so blessed by the gift of his miraculous life.  But I guess there is always that ache of him not having his twin brother growing up beside him.  And I know no other child will replace Zac...but honestly...I do still pray for a sibling for Evan, and another child to bless our family.

But regardless...we ARE blessed. 

So I guess whatever it is that may have each of us "waiting"...I pray that each of us finds the joy in TODAY and lives for that moment.  Life is so short. 

I like this following bible verse.  It was on a card that was given to Evan at his baby shower and I cut it out and have kept it visible for me to see as a reminder to me, to Evan, to my hubby...to all of you...

"May He be gracious to you, show you His favor, and give you His peace." - Numbers 6:15-16

Blessings to you all!!

Remembering my twin sisters today...

Before my mom had me...she had twin daughters.  Although she never knew she was carrying twins until they were born...at about 6 months gestation.  Around the gestational age of when Zac and Evan were born.

I knew about my twin sisters...but of course after losing our first twins and triplet, and then losing Zac...I "got" it.  I really got it.
A common ground I'm sure my mom never wished I understood.

And I would see how my mom would get a far away look in her eyes when she'd see twin girls...but now I really really get it.  How can you never wonder the "what if".  How would they have looked?  Whose nose and mouth would they have had?  What would their personalities been like?  The list goes on and on.

I understand that look...because now when I am faced with a set of twins in front of me...I freeze.  I literally freeze inside and my look goes straight to the ground.  Not that I don't think that these parents are so truly blessed, and that these kids are true miracles...but because my heart just is not ready.  The ache for all of my heavenly children is too great.  And I have many "what if" and wondering moments in my own day to be faced with seeing twins getting to grow up together.  Oh how lucky and blessed these families are!  How lucky these children are to grow up knowing their other "part".

I get this odd comfort though.  Knowing that my sisters are caring for all my children in heaven.  That they are all together in heaven.  I only got to know Zac for the short time I carried him, and then the short days we were blessed with on earth...but I pray that he remembers hearing my voice and seeing my face...and I pray that he is able to share with his siblings and his aunts about me, and about Evan and about Brett. 

My heart hurts for my mom today...because even after all these years...I now truly get it.  Years do not erase the sadness of missing your child/children.  Time does not take away pain.  It only allows you to breathe a bit better day after day.

I've never forgotten about my sisters.  I'll never stop aching for my own heavenly children.
Yes, both my mom and I have been blessed with living children...but I know our heavenly children hold special places in our hearts.  And I know that they are never forgotten...even when we might feel like their memories are slipping away from others.  They are forever in our hearts.

So today I am sending kisses to heaven for my twin sisters...Catherine and Michelle.

I love you dearly.  I look forward to meeting you.  And for now...keep caring for my little ones!

xoxoxoxo

Been a while...

I'm finding it hard to update my blog these days. 
Partly because Evan and I are having SO MUCH FUN outdoors that I'm rarely around my computer anymore!
Partly because this current season of my life I have decided to be more private and careful with (no...no "news" to report! :))
Partly because I often wonder if this blog holds the same impact it once did.
Partly because by the time I have a chance to sit down to update...Evan either wakes from his nap or I am too beat at the end of the night and just want to hang out with Brett!

Sooooo...I'm taking this moment to say hello and update.

Evan is doing amazing as always.  He has now been exposed to bouncy castles and slides...and climbs the inflatable ladder like he was born to do it!  I only helped him twice, and then he was OFF!!  And the ladder is about 10-11 feet high!  Thank goodness it's all inflated...but still...he has to be aware of what he is doing because falling backwards would not be fun! 
He went to his big cousins 6th birthday and that is where it was held.  The older kids in the group were awesome with Evan, but Evan stuck with his younger cousin (4) and her friend.

He rides his tricycle and peddles like a crazy man!  He has some leg muscle to be envied by his mommy!  And now going around the block is much quicker!!  He has mastered his 2-wheel gliding bike, and rides it constantly rain or shine.  When the rain hits...my truck gets moved out from the garage and he takes over!  He has also newly acquired a plasma car.  It's hilarious!  When I would go get my coffee at the Starbucks at Indigo, Evan knew just where to go!  The kid section in the bookstore to play with the train set and ride this plasma car.  I finally took Brett along one night so he could see it too...and guess what daddy bought for Evan!  :) 
Evan adores drawing and playing playdough.  He LOVES hanging out at the water park.  He has a blast at Kinsmen Park on the train, although I can only stomach ONE ride on the merry-go-round.  His auntie had to take him the second time around yesterday!  I DO NOT STOMACH ROUND RIDES!!  When I was on with Evan I said "mommy's about to toss her cookies!" and instantly he looked at me and said "but I WANT cookies!!"  It was so funny!!

Evan missed a couple naps in the last few days, along with added late nights those same days...so today is catch up.  It's not so bad for me since the sun is hiding and it's overcast...so I'm not obsessed with getting outside and soaking up every naptime ray of sun!  Instead I had a good workout on the treadmill and bike...and now this update.
Evan is NOT ready to drop his final afternoon nap!  And neither am I! :)  He is just still too little for that.

He is growing like a weed, and talking up a storm.  He loves to sing too.  The other day I listened to him around the corner while he was singing...and he sang the whole song of "Jesus Loves Me"...and didn't miss a word!  My heart just melted!!

Last week we basically LIVED at the spray park because the weather was IIIIIINCREDIBLE!!  I loved it! 

What I am not loving these days are the trades guys still around our house working on the houses next to us.  They are forever parking in front of my drive way (and I sit there and honk my horn until someone shows up...and then I tell them never to do it again or I'll have them towed.  SO annoying!!), walking across my driveway from one house to the other (which makes my dogs super angry...so maybe I'll just "accidentally" let my dogs out the front door!!).  Top that all off with the area behind us now being developed...so my house literally shakes as the dump trucks, packers and bulldozers pack and level the earth behind us. 
My allergies and asthma have been AWFUL with all the dust and dirt.
OH WELL, such is life!!  It will get finished and one day I will have some peace!! :)

Personally...I've been struggling for a while with some nasty attacks from the enemy.  I mentioned reading Psalm 91, and how incredible it was and really strengthening.  Well, with that comes attacks from the enemy where he sees weakness.  And he saw a weakness in me and went for it full force.
As I read the testimonies of the book (which makes up half the book) I started to find myself feeling frustrated and disappointed.  Feeling like my faith is not nearly enough for miracles to happen.  Like I'm not worthy of answers like these people were.  Answers of healing, safety, protection...so many amazing stories!
Don't get me wrong...I wasn't "jealous" or anything like that...it just really made me start to wonder "if I had had enough faith, and if I hadn't listened to the doctors and if we had just claimed healing and deliverance...then Zac would be here.  We wouldn't have had to say goodbye if my faith had only been stronger".

It was a really rough few days for me.

Not like every day isn't rough.  It's always there.  But for the most part I have come to realize I HAVE to find some sort of "peace" and self forgiveness.  Even though circumstances were far beyond what we could control...there is always that feeling of guilt.  And will always always be that place of sorrow.

I live each day for Evan.  He is such an incredible little boy!  Watching him is life lessons to me, and relearning things I have forgotten.  It is up to me to set an example of how to deal with disappointment and loss and sadness.  It is up to me to set the example of patience and love and care and kindness.  It is up to me to show him how to be gentle and respectful.
It is up to me to teach him about God...and show him the ways God wants him to grow in.

It's a big responsibility...and in that responsibility comes a lot of self reflection and self teaching...and searching and relying on God for the answers and the direction.


Another big day is tomorrow.  Tomorrow is the birth day of my twin sisters...Catherine and Michelle.
I know I will meet them one day.  I know now they get the honor of caring for ALL of my children in heaven...and for that I love them even more.
I will remember them as I do daily.  I will send kisses to heaven to them tomorrow and sing happy birthday.
Never are they forgotten...and never did I think I'd ever come to know the full pain of loss my mom has experienced these years until I lost my first twins and then Zac.
Send prayers of comfort for my mom and dad tomorrow!

Kisses to my angels in heaven...and to my sisters.

 Drivin' thru the dirt with the tricycle!

 My biking boy wonder!

 Newest mode of transportation...the plasma car!

 A little football in the park!  Yes, we have a sports fanatic!

Fun in the sun at the spray park!

And giggles and kisses with my angel here on earth!!