Beyond measure...

These past weeks have stretched and tested my faith beyond measure.  In a way I wish it hadn't.  I find myself on a yo-yo string.  I find my faith pulled in every which direction.  My heart has been on a constant up and down.

We sing songs about praising God through ALL things.  Rejoicing in good and bad.

Through tears, through laughter.

I won't lie...praising and rejoicing have been hard right now.  When the rough moments hit...how does one TRULY rejoice through the struggle?  How does one continue to come humbly before God with a grateful heart? 

When all a person wants to do is fall apart.

 

And why is it just SO easy to fall for the whispers of lies from the enemy?  Why is it so easy to focus on the negative of "what if".  Instead of choosing to believe that God may have a positive through the storm.

 

I know why. 

For me, it is because when your past is jadded with loss and sorrow, when you feel prayers have gone unanswered so many times, when you have lost 4 children, one of which you have buried after so many stood firm that he would survive and be ok...it's hard not to feel jadded.  Guarded.  To have a lock on the heart of hope.

 

Yet, there is a fight within to remain faithful even through the tests and trials through life.  To remember that God does not want pain or sorrow, but even when those moments come...He will never leave us. 

We may never understand the "why" of disappointment and loss.  Not on this earth. 

And it's not as though it just disappears and all is better.

 

Not at all.

 

But if I am so eager to praise and thank God when times are good...then I must be equally eager to praise and thank God through the storms.  No matter HOW much I don't want to.  No matter how much I want to just recoil and pull away.  No matter how hard it is to fight for what is right...leaning on God.

 

We all know it.  We are not promised an easy life.  We are not promised a pain-free life.  We are not promised that we will get every prayer answered the way we want.

But I've really been learning something.

 

This world is not our end.  It REALLY is NOT our end.  We don't lose! 

With God in our lives, through His salvation...we will never lose.

 

It doesn't mean we won't hurt.  It doesn't mean we will go unmarked from loss and pain.

 

But our pain lasts only this lifetime.  Our pain is for this moment.

And even in pain...we find joy.  True joy.  Laughter.  Love.

Our pain does not have to define us.  Our scars do not have to mean we have been beaten down and are defeated.  No, they show that we fought, we hurt...but we have risen.

We relearn life.  We re-prioritize.  We remember what truly matters.

When we choose to fight for life.  And not be taken down by defeat and disappointment.

 

The enemy will always use disappointment and pain and suffering to try to weaken us and make us doubt and question and shut ourselves off from our God.  And it is like any other relationship where we have to fight to overcome those valleys. 

 

My worries are not yet over.  But every day I remind myself that God is walking right beside me.  And if I fall from weariness or stumble through tears...He is there to guide and catch me.  He will not leave me alone.

 

I hold to faith.  I hold to hope.  I hold to the goodness of God.

Though in honesty it may be while I'm holding on to the very end of a silk string...but I'm holding on.

And through uncertain times...I will come to Him humbly, making my requests and pleas known to Him.  I will come to Him with a thankful heart.  I will come to Him in obedience, and because without Him...I just can't make it through.

I continue to pray His blessing and favour on me. 

 

But through not only the good times, but also the rough times...I will remember that He is my Father who loves, not hurts me.  That He will never abandon me.  That His love will remain true.  And His hand will always be on me.

 

No matter how hard I have to bring myself to remember these things...I will not let the enemy win.

My heart...

Whenever I see rays shining all around Evan...I can't help but believe Zac is all around him!

Fun in the sun...and leaves

How high can I throw!

My heart and soul!

This little boy is my everything.  He brings so much laughter, love and joy to my heart.  LOOK AT HIM!!!  Who wouldn't feel so very blessed. 

 

No matter the heart ache along the way, I am in love.

 

No matter how much I wish Zac, Ethan, Jack and Whisper were here in these pictures...I picture them with us every day.  They are forever with me, and with us.  And one day...we WILL all be together.

 

No matter how I pictured life...my life is blessed.

 

Every single one of my babies is a blessing to my life, and I can not be sad, or regretful, because had we not done all we could to try, I wouldn't even have them.

True...it did not all turn out the way I had "planned" or dreamed...but I am still truly thankful for whatever time I had together with each of my babies.

I would have liked their days to each far out do mine...and that didn't happen.  But our days WILL join together one day, and for that I am humbled.

 

Every day I look at Evan and stare at him in wonder.  This little person who has changed my life and who I am.  And I am thankful to journey through life with his hand in mine.

Should God's plan be that Evan is our only living child...I will thank Him.  Every day.  For every moment I have with Evan.

 

Do I pray we may still have the hope of Evan being a big brother?  Of course.  My son was never meant to grow up alone (in my mind).  Zac was always a part of life with him, and always will be.  And no child would "replace" Zac.  But I still dream of Evan getting to be a big brother.

Yet, if it's not meant to be that way, then we will be okay.

I will be okay!

 

Oh how I love each and every one of our babies. 

Moments like this...

I know this isn't much the content that I was doing my last post.  But, this is real.  And it's what happens.
One day up, the next...knocked to the ground.

Today was a huge disappointment to me. 
Today was not the answer to the prayers and hopes I had been desperately seeking and pleading.
Today was...typical of what I have expected and received in the past.

More frustration.  More confusion.  More...loss.

And lets be honest here.  I'm angry.  I'm frustrated.  I'm so very, very tired.  And I hate feeling like this.

I just wanted today to be different.  I wanted today to be a positive outlook through so much struggle.  And, it wasn't.  It was the typical, usual frustration. 

I don't like where it feels like it is leading me. 

Yet, regardless...my heart is full of gratitude and love for my husband, my son, ALL my children, my family, and my wonderful, loving friends.

Today I don't know how to pray.  Today I don't know what to ask.  Today I don't see the light at the end of the looooooooong tunnel.
But I can't let it steal my gratitude for what, and WHO, I do have.  I can't let the enemy win by allowing myself to go straight to the lies of "what a failure you are Heather!  Why on earth would God answer your prayers?!"  Yup...those are the lies I hear far too often.  And I'm tired of it.

Yes, tomorrow is a new day.  But today I just want to wrap my arms around my son and my husband and be grateful for who I have right now. 

I don't want to question God and wonder why my smallest request feels like it falls on deaf ears.  I don't want to be bitter.

So, for now, I just want to pretend like everything is fine and that today's disappointment means nothing to me (which is a huge lie of course, but still...)

I don't understand the path God is taking me down.  And I won't lie...it is not a fun path right now.  It is not an exciting path.  It is not a path I want.  But it's the path I'm on.  And if I am meant to endure the sadness I see at the end of it...then I just pray that He gives me the strength, the courage and the dignity that He is requiring me to have.

Yes...not the day I had planned in my mind at all.

On that note...I am going to go pick up my precious little boy and I am going to wrap him in my arms and thank God for his miraculous life.  And THAT is what I'm going to focus on!!

Expecting Good? Stop assuming the worst!

I can't lie...I am one who just "prepares for the worst" so that I don't have to deal with the utter disappointment of hurt when things do go wrong. 
I've always said it is my "coping mechanism".  Because, I know how painful it is to go in to something with high expectations, trusting for a happy outcome, believing it CAN happen...and then crashing oh so very hard when everything goes exactly the opposite.
I've branded myself as "cautiously optimistic". 

Does cautiously optimistic really coincide with faith in God and His promises and word?

Where is the balance between niave optimism and reality?

And when things do turn out oh so opposite as one has prayed and believed...how do you recover from that?

These are lots of questions I am grappling with these days.  No, not questioning my faith, not at all.  Just genuine, real, honest questions.

And I can't seem to come up with answers.

I want to be a person who says "I will not worry because I know my God will provide". 
Again, don't get me wrong!  I DO believe my God will provide.  But I also know that the answer to my prayers are not always how I had expected, prayed and begged. 
I also realize this is not because God is out to "get me" or "put me in my place". 
I realize that, although my human mind may never understand, God has it all under control.  And that through grief, loss, pain...He isn't "doing" it "to me" just to prove He is bigger than I am.  I don't know...is He "doing it" at all?  I mean, I don't believe for one second that He makes bad things happen just to bring us to our knees.  I don't believe that at all.

I know a lot of my questions will brew in my brain until the day I meet my Creator.  And I know it is my responsibility to BELIEVE Him, and His amazing love for me and my life. 

I KNOW the enemy LOVES when we question, doubt, fear, worry, struggle.  He LOVES watching us squirm and blame God for every bad detail in our lives.  He delights in the fact that the lies he and his dark side-kicks whisper around our ears are accepted.

I struggle with fear.  With worry.  With "what if".  With "can I handle more pain?"  I struggle with control.  There are many days where I actually believe I am not worth amazing blessing in areas in my life.  Like I deserved all the pain in my life. 
I actually fall for those lies.  And that is exactly what they are...LIES from the enemy, because he knows how strong I am when I am trusting God and leaning on Him and living out His word and commands.  He knows I am a fighter.  He knows I hate defeat.  So he plays on those very fears to bring me to a trembling mess. 

That is where I am today.  I woke up with nothing but pure fear racing through my mind.  Fear of some stuff we are facing soon.  Fear that I am not worthy of a good outcome.  Fear that I will break if things don't work out.  Fear that I will not be able to succeed.

When I get in this mindset...I am paralyzed.  Paralyzed to the point of sitting in a ball, just crying and shaking.  Yes...that is NOT God.  That is ALL the enemy!!  And how foolish of me that I would allow myself to let that darkness wrap around my mind and how so NOT strong to believe the lies that float in my head.

I am going to be honest.  I struggle with something.  I know we are to come to God and let our requests and desires of our hearts and prayers be known to Him.  I know we are to pray without ceasing, and to keep believing.  I know we must do this to allow God to work through our prayers.  I know many times people have prayed for me, and my struggle comes back to the days of losing Jack, Ethan and Whisper, and then all that happened with Zac and Evan, and then the loss of Zac. 
I struggle because so many people would tell me the KNEW God would heal Zac, and that things would be ok. 
I struggle because after Zac passed away...I began to doubt. 
HOW did people "know"?  I wanted to see the written telegram from God to that person so that I had proof that they were actually receiving the right message.
Zac passed away in my arms.  How was that anything like what I had been encouraged to believe?

Then after our friend Jeff passed away...how does one come to terms with that? 
I have never seen such faith and believing and trust for complete healing.
Yet, he passed from this earth.
He never doubted.  Never got angry.  He trusted God.  He DID experience a full healing the first time...so why did the cancer come back?  Why did things play out the way they did?

Are we wrong to have questions when we experience loss?  No, I don't believe so.  I believe that God expects that we will.  He made us after all, right?! 

I know it's all about HOW we cope with the questions.  Do we use the questions to draw us closer to God, or do we allow the questions to start to cloud our faith and build walls? 
I know how easy it is to be consumed by darkness and doubt.  Oh boy, do I know.
I know how HARD it is to fight the way back to God. 

It is just too easy to sit and question.  And I just don't want to do that.  I want to find strength to believe that I AM WORTH GOOD!  That God loves me so very much that even if I don't understand the answer to some areas of our life...He still wants the very best for me, and will provide a way.

This realization doesn't mean I've miraculously had some epiphany right this very moment and "viola"...all good.  It just means I know I need to fight.  I know I need to trust.  I know I need to believe that I AM WORTH GOOD THINGS happening to!  I don't "deserve" nothing but disappoinment and loss.

Disappointment and loss are a part of life.  But it's up to me...will I continue to believe God's goodness for my life, and trust that He will carry me through.  Or do I give up and sit in my corner obsessing about the fears and "what ifs"?!  I just don't want that for my life.

My job...searching God's word.  Living His word.  Trusting His word.  Which means READING and studying His word.  That is where I will find His word, His voice...the calm in my storms.

I read this devotional this morning from Joyce Meyers website, and I really loved this analogy.  It made perfect sense to me today!

"This about it like this:  If I have a headache, I take an Aspirin to get relief from it.  I have to swallow the pill for it to work.  If I put it on top of my head, it won't do anything for me.  God's Word is medicine for our spirit, soul and body, and the way we experience its power is by speaking it out loud, praying it to God, meditating on it, and believing it.  When you speak His Word over your life, it releases that power into your life.  It won't work for us if we just have a Bible and leave it on the shelf.  We have to use it.  God wants to make you whole, and what He's asking you to do is believe what His Word says more than you blieve what you think of how you feel.  Keep speaking His Word over your circumstances and in His timing He'll complete the good work He's begun in you!"

 

 

I love that quote.  It's so true.  How many times have I cried to God in the midst of a trauma in my life, expecting a literal voice of God to speak to me directly!  When I do just what the above quote says NOT to do.  I have my Bible, sitting there in plain view, closed.  Untouched.  Too stubborn to open it.  Too...paralyzed to find the strength to open the pages and search what God would want to tell me.

 

In the next week, I have something going on in my life that has been marked with disappointment and negative in the past.  I have been focusing on that.  I have been allowing myself to believe that I will hear much of the same, not expecting that God can provide a better outcome.  It's time that I stop living in the past of those results, and start believing God can find a way for me.  And NO MATTER what the results...He will carry me/us through.  That I am ok.  I have been blessed, and I cherish that.  That the hope of the future does not define who I am, and does not define my joy.

 

I have to search His word.  Trust His word and His love.  I have to submit my life to His plans and know that He is more than enough.  That He will lead the way.  That I am not alone, and am not meant to fight these fights alone. 

 

"Therefore humble yourselves under the mighty hand of God, that in due time He may exalt you, Casting the whole of your care on Him, for He cares for you affectionately and cares about you watchfully."  1 Peter 5:7

 

God be with each of us, today and each day forward.

 

Blessings!

My brave lil` man!

 

So yesterday was Evan's first visit at the dentist! 

Lets just say he was FAR more brave than I am when I have to go!!

But I guess that's where ignorance is bliss, right? 

And I'm hoping that he never has to encounter the parts of the dentist that make you want to gag every time you have to go! :)

 

He was so good!! 

Crawled right up in to that chair, laid back, and did as he was asked.

And it helps that each dental chair has a TV above it to help take away the anxiety!

The girl and the dental therapist were wonderful with him.  Patient, calm, friendly, and explained everything to him.

He rocked it!

 

And no cavities!  So that was great!

 

Watching him in that chair made me see it even more.

My baby is growing up so quickly.

 

Yesterday I caught myself thinking of the first time I ever took Evan for a walk in his stroller.

And I won't lie...I got teary-eyed.

I remember the pride I felt knowing that I was pushing MY child in the stroller.

And yes, the ache of the sorrow of it not being the double stroller we had originally purchased for Zac and Evan before Zac passed away...that was my silent inner tears as I walked Evan around the block.

But I still remember the feeling of...almost shock, that I was finally walking my own child.

And I found myself smiling at the memory.

 

Watching Evan growing up so quickly...it makes me want to just stop moments so that I can freeze-frame them and just hold on to those moments a while longer.

It makes me want to shoot myself back in time for just a moment so I can hold that tiny little baby he once was, and hear the little cooing noises he would make. 

 

But life is filled with new adventures. 

He is all boy.  Find a rock...well naturally, it must be thrown.  Find a puddle...well why WOULDN'T you jump in it?  Find a bug...well of course you have to touch it.

 

This little boy of ours...what a treasure.

 

Last night we were snuggled in bed, both hacking away.  Evan has been under the weather for a while now and still fighting a cough.  I have been without much of a voice for 5 days now, and hacking along side Evan.  So the two of us are quite the pair. 

Every night I tell Evan how proud I am of the boy he is becoming.  And he started to talk to me about when he was a baby (which is hilarious to listen to his stories), and then I told him how lucky I am to have such precious boys in my life.  That he and his brother make my heart so happy.  And he started to tell me about how Zac is a baby, and he holds him "just like this, mommy".  And then he said "but he is a big boy in heaven like me!" 

Precious.

And precious that he speaks of his brother, and that they will always be a part of each other.

 

Though life isn't as I had once imagined it would be...it is still a blessed life.

 



My last fall of...

I've been realizing more and more...life is moving way too fast for my liking!

Today my nephew starts grade 2!  Tomorrow my niece begins kindergarten!

And next fall...my own son will begin preschool.

And it gives me a lump in my throat.  I can't believe it.  One more year before my life changes again. 
And the little boy I've been waiting for all my life will begin to experience a life of independence...more than he has already.  It changes...and though I am so proud of him, and know he will do wonderful...my heart aches at the idea of not having my little man with me every. single. day.  All day.  Every day.

It's just a very wierd concept for me.  A tough one.  It seems wierd to me to have a 4 year old (next year) in school, even if it is for short periods.  He still feels like my baby! 
I haven't had enough time with him all to myself.  And I don't want to share him yet!

So, I am determined to make the most of this year!!  More than ever! 

This isn't a depressing sob story kind of post...just a big realization for me and a bit of a teary moment.

When my nephew started kindergarten, I cried.  I did! 

Time goes so fast, and I can't imagine wasting a moment of it on things that just don't matter in the big scheme of things. 

I've been granted this miracle.  This precious little boy who fought so hard along side his brother. 
I am so proud of the strength of my little miracles.  And I know Zac will be cheering Evan on as he begins school without him by his side.  Maybe that is part of the sadness for me.  I know I should be preparing my two sons.  I know I should be feeling more secure and sure of this day next year because they should have been facing this big day together.  Giving each other strength, courage and assurance.
I should have been preparing double the school supplies, packing two back packs and dressing my two lil' men.

I guess that will always be a part of big milestones, just as it is a part of every day.

But I know that Evan will do amazing. 

So, instead of stressing and obsessing about things to come in another YEAR...I will slow down, embrace each of these days we are granted, and have FUN FUN FUN! 

Cutest ringbearer ever!! (I'm biased!)

What can I say!?  I'm biased!!  Is this not the CUTEST ring bearer you've EVER seen!

And he's all mine :)

I don't often get a chance to update here, and honestly don't really know what to say much anymore.  But I wanted to take some time to do some bragging and sharing of my thoughts these days.

On the weekend we were at wedding 3 of 4 for this summer.

The first, I had the honor of being the "maid" of honour to my best friend and longest childhood friend.

Wedding two was one of our nephew's.

And this past weekend was wedding three of another of our nephew's.  And for this one  was the one that Evan was a part of.

Talk about a heart-stealer! :) 

Both on my hubby's side.

This one was a carnival theme.  HOW FUN!  It was held at an older movie theatre and each guest received a popcorn and pop before being seated.  It was adorable!

Evan wasn't too sure Friday night at the rehersal. But then again, he kind of got tossed in to the mix with people he didn't really know...so the shyness won over.  By the end of the rehersal he made friends with the older flower girl and things were better.  PHEW!!  I was worried.

And then at the wedding...he ROCKED his role!! 

That's my boy!!!

As he walked down the aisle...I wanted to tear up just picturing the day he may choose to get married.  The thought of his life beginning with some very lucky, and precious woman.

And I had to slow down the mind game of the future!

I look at this precious little boy and still, I feel stunned most days that I've been blessed with the honour of being his mom. 

I know I blow it a lot with days of frustration and lack of patience...but I will never be too "mommy" or big to admit my bad moments, and will always humble myself to say to my son "I am sorry for my behaviour, Evan!"

Which is exactly what I had to do over the weekend ;)

I don't know what the future holds. 

I dream of being fortunate enough to share our lives and love with another child, but I don't know if that is in the game plan of God 's playbook for our family.

We have two frozen embryos (blastocytes) left.

What may happen?

I don't know. 

I can't know.

Only God knows.

I know what I would LIKE to see happen.  Of course I pray life for these little ones.  But I just don't know what is in store.  And that is a tough pill to swallow.

It's not just a matter of going for a transfer and viola.

Not at all.

And it's not that WE get the choice as to whether or not we have another child/ren.

Nope, not at all.

Each transfer everything is out of our hands.

And that is tough.

But I'm praying.

When will it happen?  WILL it happen?

Who knows.

But I do know that I am forever grateful for all that our IVF road has led us to.

Yes, heart break and grief in spades. 

But joy and gratitude as well!

Yes, 4 of our 5 children live in heaven and I will not get to meet them again until then.

But our son Evan...what a treasure.  What a pleasure.  What a true honour to be his earthly mommy.  What a blessing to hear my little boy say at bedtime "sweet dreams mommy".

Do I pray for the honour of parenting another living child?  Yes.  I will admit that. whole-heartedly!

Do I dream of watching and hearing Evan being a big brother?  Absolutely!  No questions about that!

Does it still hurt, and do I still struggle with the ugliness of jealousy when hearing another pregnancy announcement and seeing ultra sound pictures?  I won't lie.  Jealousy rears its UGLY head.  No matter how thrilled I am for that person.

But does my blessing of Evan mean any less for my wants of the future? 

Not a chance!

Evan is my blessing, my treasure, my breathe, my soul, a gift beyond measure.

And I am blessed to be his mommy!

Just LOOK at the above picture of my boy!!! 

How can my heart be anything but mush when I get to see that silly face he makes, and see the handsome young boy he is becoming!

One day I pray that my hopes and desires of the future tame.  Whatever the end results of our path leads us to.

I pray that the struggle of not feeling our family is complete will feel without a doubt complete if that time comes with just Brett, Evan and I at the end of it all.

Will it hurt any less?  Probably not for a long while.  Until I learn life over without the world of IVF and FETs surrounding me.

But right now...I pray.  And keep hoping.

And keep watching my son, and raising him the very best I can and how he deserves.

And I pray for others who understand exactly where I am coming from in this post.  Those whose hearts are heavy.  Those who know the struggle I am talking about.  And those who feel the same blessing and desires as I do.

I am praying for you!!  Truly!  Now and always!

Praying for God's blessing and very best for your family as well. 

Well, today is a RARE (and I DO mean RARE) day that Evan has gone down for a rest.  He has a bit of a stuffy nose (too many late nights, and doesn't help that I was hit with a head cold).  But I expect that he will be getting up shortly, so I should go get organized.

We have the pleasure of having our nephew Mason here to help out while his day home is on some much deserved holidays.

What a blast watching these two cousins!

Mason is 4 months younger than Evan.

Technically, had life turned out the way it SHOULD have, Mason would only have been 2 months younger than Zac and Evan, and all THREE would be playing together today...but that's another mind-bender for another day!

It is SO fun watching Evan and Mason together, and SO fun that Evan has a cousin so close in age!  So it really is a treat to get to have Mason to ourselves for a while!

But both the boys crashed for a nap this afternoon, so I better run and get a few things done before they both wake :)

Blessings to you all!