Our first vacation, and update on Evan

Our family vacation at Waskesiu!!

OK...this was a totally staged picture for any who think I'd actually give my son ice cream already...HEE HEE HEE HEE. It was too perfect!!!! He was eyeing it up pretty good though! No chocolate mint chip ice cream for the little bean just yet!!

OK above is me in one of my new hats! Swinging on the swings with my mommy and daddy!! Next year I'll do it my self!

Well, we have officially made it through our first family vacation! We went up to Waskesiu on Wednesday and got back home yesterday. Evan was AWESOME on the ride up! Slept the whole way up! He was so good the whole time away too! What a great boy we have!! AND the second night we were there he slept through the WHOLE NIGHT for the first time ever! Went to sleep by 11pm and didn't wake up until 7am! But boy oh boy, when I woke up I FLEW over to his bed in fear that I'd find a still, blue faced baby. NOPE, happily sleeping away, with the odd stretch and fart! hee hee hee hee hee! I couldn't believe it!! Must have been the lake air! We had had a good walk together with him in the Baby Bjorn, so he got lots of fresh air! AND he slept through the following nights as well. I think we are starting the transition to MORE SLEEP! WOOO HOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!

We had a wonderful time with wonderful friends as well! Brett enjoyed his golfing with the guys. I must admit I was quite jealous as Brett and I have gone to Waskesiu for the past few years and just golfed. This year I wasn't able too. Oh well, Evan is a good reason not to be able to go. I enjoyed my girl time with Jami and Kardin. Evan loves little Kardin! She got the biggest smiles out of him!

Then on the way home Evan once again slept for pretty much the whole ride. We just stopped once in PA for a feeding.

It was nice to get away, but it is never long enough. Next year! And next year Evan can experience the lake water and sand!

Today Evan had his second meningitis shot. Poor little bean!!!! This time I made Brett come with us and he held Evan. And Evan has pretty much slept the whole afternoon! But before his shot we weighed him and he is now 12lbs 1.5ou!! The nurse was impressed with his weight gains and surprised that the NICU dietician said he'd be supplemented until a year. But to me, the supplemented feeds help with the weight gain! So it's all good with me.

Anyhow, I've added photos from our holiday. Of course they are in no specific order as I can't seem to master how to properly post them in order. But they serve their purpose regardless!

Enjoy!!

My babies "birthdays"

Well, on the 6th Evan turned 5 mths (just over 2 mths corrected)...and so did Zac. On the 9th Zac had his 5 mth "heaven birthday". Yesterday was really really hard for me. Every memory came flooding back, as did feelings of guilt. Why my body? Why did my body fail yet another baby? Why our baby? Why did he have to go through this, and why did he have to be taken away? I think of the morning we received the news of Zac's brain bleed going up to the NICU and talking to him and his eyes searching for us. I will never forget that...and as precious as it was...it haunts me. Knowing one moment our baby was alive and looking at us, and the next hour...he was gone. I hate it. I hate it so much. I hate that this happened. And I hate what our family of what was supposed to be four has gone through. I hate that Evan will not grow up with his brother. I've had many more better moments but still not a day without tears. The other day I went to Parable book store. It forced me to realize something. I realized just how angry I really am at God. Sorry if that doesn't sound "christianly"...but it's the raw truth. I hate the position I am in. I look at Evan and I see the power of prayer and God's answers. Then I think of Zac and wonder why prayer seemed to fail Zac, and why God needed Zac with Him and not us. I know that prayers were answered by me not going in to labour that 23rd week and the next 5 weeks...but I am SO angered by the whole circumstance. I'm sick and tired of going through grief, and wonder when a lesson will involve some joy instead of loss. I think things hit because on June 26th our first set of twins would have turned one year old...and no remembered. No one mentioned anything. I guess this was different because they were an earlier miscarriage...but still...I was a bit sad. Not that I expected people to remember. But, honestly...I'm terrified this will happen with Zac too. That no one will speak about him. I'm so angry/sad that we didn't let our immediate family come to the NICU in the first few days to meet Zac and see him so that he would be even more "real" to them and to connect with him. But at the time our focus was Zac and we didn't believe that our family would need to be coming to have him engraved in their memories and minds. But still...I wish more of our immediate family would have met him in person and in life. Yesterday we went to the cemetery and took Evan with us. We put two roses on Zac's gravesite. I talked to Evan and told him that this was where Zac's earthly body was, but that he is waiting for us in heaven. I told Evan that on their first birthday we will go to the cemetery and share a cupcake and blow kisses to Zac. I'm still bewildered every time I go to the cemetery trying to wrap my head around the reality of life. I don't know if this is all part of the grief process or what. I don't feel angry all the time, but the sad moments are still there...yet I can now hide them a bit better. Don't get me wrong...my days and minutes with our precious Evan are filled with such joy. I don't know how I could go on if something had happened to him. He brings such happiness and laughter. And the older he gets the funnier he becomes. He is so expressive, and so full of smiles and chatters. I bought a book while I was at Parable about a family who loses their son to cancer. I know that this must seem depressing and unwise...but I NEED to see how others manage, and how as parents you don't lose faith and hope in God. It will be a very difficult book to read...but as a parent who has lost a child, I think it might help. I hope that it will help to walk through anothers journey. Anyhow, I just needed to share that. At Evan's baby shower I received a particularly special card from a friend. Inside was a "poem" of sorts. I don't know if she wrote it herself or if it was from another place, but I wanted to share it with you all.

All of our babies are presents from God.

Presents that are merely on loan.

To us He's entrusted these most precious gifts

As if they were truly our own.

Some leases we hold on these bundles of love

Are for short term, but others for long.

But never at any time should we forget

To whom they all really belong.

God has in our care then allowed them to be

To nurture, to love, and to train.

To teach them of God's plan for living

Setting values for them to attain.

Life's great hourglass for us mortals can't pause

The sand never stops flowing through.

When the babies grow on and depart from the nest

We have done for them all we can do.

The time they are babies lasts only so long

They appear and then soon they are gone.

They, too, will get presents of God's very own

The continuous cycle moves on.

In time all these 'presents' to God will return

Be their span of life short or extended.

For their ultimate destiny lies solely with Him

It is all just as God has intended.

I try to focus on the fact that my boys were/are a gift. And we were granted precious moments with Zac before his destiny came to a close. I try to remember all the lives he has touched. And I pray that Zac will never be forgotten, and that people will still say his name.

Evan is a gift that we have been allowed to treasure here on earth. And I will never take that for granted!!

As frustrating as it is to be in this place of answered prayer and what feels like unanswered prayer...I will still fight to keep my relationship with God straight. No matter what...Zac is still with us and one day we will be together again. In the meantime I can be thankful that he is in the best care possible outside of our own. And I will do the very very very best that I can for Evan here on earth!!

4 month shots...UGH

My poor boy!!!! He just had his 4 month shots (for immunizations they go by Evan`s birth age) and his first meningitis shot. 3 shots today. UGHHHH!!!! Poor kid!! When you aren`t used to hearing your baby cry like that it is HEART BREAKING!!!! He`s been sleeping ever since. But he did good. He cried for a while after but then after I fed him he seemed much more soothed. But we weighed him before the `trauma`` and he is weighing 9lbs 14.7ou!! SWEET!! OH, gotta run! Little guy is waking up. Time for some snuggles!

Smiles

Shirt says "50% Mommy 50% Daddy 100% Perfection" How true how true!!!

The shirt speaks for itself! hee hee hee

Happy as can be!!

What a smile!!!!!!!!!

Just had to share these pics of Evan from today! ADORABLE!!!! He was so awake and happy this morning. But he has literally been sleeping the rest of the day away!! Of course I want to panic because I don't know what's normal...but I suppose I have days where all I want to do is sleep too! Right now he is chilling beside me swinging in his swing nice and asleep. OK...maybe not...he's starting to wake up. So I better post these pictures and spend some awake time with the little man!

WOW

OK, last Wednesday Evan was 8lb 10ou. Today at his check up with my doc, he is 9 POUNDS 6 OUNCES!!!!!! WOWZERS!!!!!! He is growing like a weed! We've been increasing his formula amount in his supplemented feeds and seems to be working!!! I'm a proud mamma! But now he is "calling" so I better run! Just had to share my teenie tiny is growing!!

Update on Evan

OK, I'm typing one-handed here, so forgive any spelling mishaps! On Monday Evan had his assessments at the Alvin Buckwold Development Program. He was seen by three people all at once, a speech-language pathologist, a physiotherapist and an occupational therapist. Evan is assessed based on his corrected age on one month, not by his birth age because developmentaly he is technically one month. All three ladies were more than happy with Evan's development and no one has any concerns at this point. He is doing all (and then some) of what a one month old should be doing. He will continue to be tracked monthlt for the first while, and then a bit less frequently after that. They continue to watch closely the first year or two to ensure the kids are on track with developmental milestones, and so they can catch quickly any lags to correct quicker. So it's pretty good to know he will be watched closely. But it was nice to hear that they were so happy with where he is at. Then on Wednesday we had a follow up appointment with one of the neonatologists. He was really happy with how Evan is doing too, so he didn't have any concerns. He was sure to remind us though that with preemies, especially as early as Evan and Zac were, can still develop "problems" even though they receive a clean bill of health. But just as quickly commented that they don't HAVE to, but it can happen. So it was another reminder for the back of the mind. But he again said that at this point Evan is in the normal range for his one month corrected age (again, with these appointments they gauge by corrected age) and that he is really pleased with how he's doing. He also asked how we are doing with the loss of Zac, and he was really encouraging and supportive. He said that it's so good that we have pictures of Zac so that Evan can see him and know of his twin brother, and how important that will be. I had a really hard time keeping it together. It was tough, as it always is to move to another phase of life without Zac here. I miss my little guy. And I'm so happy with how Evan is doing...and that is what Zac fought so hard for. I couldn't be more proud of both my boys!! We will have to be careful with Evan again in the fall/winter with colds, etc. Evan will be vaccinated in November for RSV, but we will most likely be back in more of a hibernation mode and the cautions will rise again (not like they've lowered though!) The Audiologist was away on Wednesday so Evan's hearing test has to be rescheduled, but neither Dr.Wonko or the occupational therapist had concerns because they saw him responding, and so do we. Evan is losing his NICU ability to sleep through any noise...he's getting a bit more sensitive and notices noise more now that he is home. I had hoped that would never happen so that he wouldn't become sensitive to noise. Here's hoping some of that remains! The dietician following Evan wants to see him taking 4ou of formula a day between his 2 supplemented feeds. That's tough because the formula upsets his tummy. I've started trying to do 1.5 ounces within his bottle feeds (I need to get him to 2ou each bottle), and he has been more fussy, but I think he will slowly adapt to it. I just keep him more upright after his feeds and give him some Ovol and that seems to help. He just had a bottle about an hour ago and he has been melted butter sound asleep in my arms since!! He is getting heavy!! He was weighed on Wednesday and is up to 8lb 10ou!! I better start lifting weights again to get my arms strong and in shape. It's time to try to get back into the fitness routine!! Anyhow, that is the latest update on Evan!! Prayer request would be that his health would continue to remain well, his immune system would get stronger and stronger, that he will not be a preemie with later onset issues, his development would continue on this awesome path and that he will be able to tolerate the increase in his formula and that it won't upset his tummy. Thanks everyone!

Meet my nephew Mason

Mason and Evan (with his favorite NICU soother!)

Me and Mason at my house

Me with my liitle man Evan and my little man Mason at the hospital the day after Mason arrived. They are both wrapped up in their blankies that greatgrandma made for them!

Little Mason the day after he was born. "Snug as a bug in a rug". Welcome to the world Mason!!!

So my baby brother now has a baby of his own!! My brother and his wife had a little boy, Mason, on July 6th!! Evan has a partner in crime his own age now!! Oh boy, I can already see it now!! These boys are going to keep us on our toes!! Mason has the most awesome big hands!! They are adorable...but definately either a football player or basketball player hands! :) He is too cute! And has a nice head of dark hair!! He's just under 7 pounds right now after his post-birth weight loss, but his weight is already on the rise! I have a feeling this little guy is going to turn out to be one tall boy!!!! Just like daddy!

It's crazy because now all the first born grandkids on my side are boys, and we only have one girl. Poor Brighton! :) But she will be well protected by her brother and cousins! And all the kids are born on the 6th of a month. Finley and Mason are both born July 6th (how crazy that both my brothers first born boys are born the same day!), Brighton is born Sept 6th and Evan and Zac were born on March 6th!! Easy enough to remember bdays now!!

Anyhow, just wanted to share a few pictures of my newest adorable nephew!