Merry Christmas - oh how funny

Christmas fun

Remembering Zac and making him part of the season too!

Ready for a big day of fun!!

Mommy's lil' elf!

Daddy...OOOHHHHH, I mean SANTA and Evan!! :) hee hee hee hee hee

Well, we had a pretty good Christmas. The morning brought fresh tears and sadness for me, but after a good cry and a visit to Zac's grave I was ready to face the day with actual joy.

We had fun opening Evan's presents and watching him more thrilled with the paper and strings then the actual presents! And then a nice day spent between Brett's and then my family. Evan was completely messed up that day!! He didn't have a morning nap and didn't nap until 4pm which was frightening...but he was still in happy spirits. Once we got to my parents he crashed and slept a couple hours. We had just enough time to eat and then have some fun with Brett dressing up as Santa for Evan and my nephews and my niece! It was HILARIOUS!!!!!!!! My nephew and niece totally bought it and their faces were PRICELESS. Brett and I had been killing ourselves laughing getting Brett ready. We are convinced Evan knew it was Brett because when I put him on Santa's lap he just looked up at Brett and it was almost like he shrugged his shoulders and decided to just "go along" with it!

I knew we couldn't take Evan to Santa (at the mall) this year so I brought Santa to Evan and the kids.

I had told Brett I didn't want any gifts this year. I got my gifts...Zac and Evan, and that's all I could ask for. It was a tough year figuring out the balance of joy and sadness with this being the first year without Zac at our family gatherings or in front of the tree or sitting on Santa's lap with his brother. It also seems like yesterday since we lost our first babies. It has been 2 years since we had to say goodbye. It's hard to imagine, yet as fresh today as it was that sad December day! But we truly savoured every moment with Evan. We feel beyond blessed with this amazing little guy!! He continually blows us away every day we look at him!!! He is full of life, and so inquisitive and just wants to take everything in. He is full of smiles and ready to give a giggle or snuggle. I get butterflies in my stomach just thinking about how much joy he brings to my life.

In all the joy I feel anxiety too facing the one year marks of the things that began a troubled chain of events. I feel my chest tighten and my hands shake time to time. I try not to focus on it, but it's kind of impossible.

I have to thank a dear dear woman who lovingly gave me a card this year and in it mentioned the loss of her brother and how it's almost more difficult not to have people mention his name...and it's so true. As hard as people may think it may be for me to mention Zac's name...it's more painful for them not too! As strange as this sounds...I am greatful to one of my sister-in-laws who shed tears at the kitchen table when I gave her a card with our family photos but our "In Joy and in Sorrow" "announcement" info for Zac and Evan. I am greatful for those tears because in that instant I knew Zac is not forgotten, and that someone else remembers the sadness. Those tears meant the world to me. And it's so funny, because when someone gets teary I automatically say "don't do it"...but really...I don't want to stop it because I know someone is shedding those tears in loving memory. It is the day when others no longer shed tears or mentions Zac's name that will tear my heart out.

Anyhow, Evan is doing great. Rolling around like a mad-man, jabbering non-stop, and has a third tooth coming through...an EYE TOOTH!! It's adorable. He has outgrown yet MORE of his onesies. Tonight I went on a hunt for 6-12 month onesies at Old Navy and they had nothing but GARBAGE!! I was soooooooooooooooooooo disappointed!!! There was literally NO boy clothes. A couple 3-6 month onesies and some odds and ends. Cute pj's, but nothing useful in terms of clothes. So I went to Walmart and it was just as bad!! I was SOOOOOOOOOO annoyed!!!!!

Oh well, I try a couple other places and see if anyone else remembers that boys need clothes too!

Well, I suppose I should sign off. I just wanted to share a couple of Santa photos...MUCH to Brett's opposition!!

Hoping everyone had a wonderful Christmas!

"...let it be an opportunity for joy"

Well, for I think the first time since Zac passed away I pulled out my Bible that I had shoved under my bed in frustration and confusion and...well, lets face it...anger. I also pulled out a book that I had read a while after we lost our first twins. A book that I worked through before moving forward with our second round of IVF. It is called Finding God's Path Through Your Trials by Elizabeth George. I opened the book randomly and fell on a verse at the beginning of the chapter. Dear brothers and sisters, whenever trouble comes your way, let it be an opportunity for joy. -James 1:2 Wow...I've read it before and was troubled by the thought of "HOW is one to use trouble to be an opportunity for joy?" When everything around a person seems to be falling apart, how do you be joyful? And if I didn't have God in my life...it would be impossible. I would have no hope. I've spent so much time angry at God for Him "allowing" the troubles for Zac and for not "fixing" things and not sparing our sons life. True...I'm still sad, and always will have sadness on moments lost with Zac, but...the anger is slowly subsiding. I know God didn't do this TO us. Zac has always been God's child...we just got the honor of having him in our lives for the 28 weeks I carried him and the three days after his birth. Just like Evan is God's child, yet I have the pure honor of carrying on being his earthly mommy. I have been entrusted to care for a child of God. I don't understand why this happened. I try to look to the future to see how the impact of what has happened will benefit others, or if it even will. I hope so. But I'm starting to learn to try NOT to understand...because I never will. I'm trying not to look at others twin pregnancies and births and wonder why did I lose 3 of my four twins? I'm trying not to cringe every time I hear another twin pregnancy announcement or commercial on TV mentioning twins. Even the word "twin highway" is like a daggar in my heart! And I can't do this anymore. In the book that I read one point said "Refuse to compare your trial or your suffering or your life with anyone else's". And a verse to accompany that was 2 Corinthians 10:12 "You are not to compare yourself or your dilemma with your peers. To do so is not wise." I have an opportunity for joy...my son that lives, my precious gift...Evan. And my sorrow and grief has hampered opportunities for joy. My fears from what happened to Zac have overshadowed moments of joy with Evan because I'm too focused on being terrified of what "might" happen to Evan. The risks that Evan still has for health issues always loom over my head...but we are doing everything we can as parents, and family to protect his life to OUR abilities. Yes, we pray for Evan...but we also do our human part of the responsibility to take precautions. The sorrow of loss and grief can no longer overshadow this sweet, amazing child that I am honored to be entrusted to care for. The sorrow and grief will remain...but it can not be front and center. The tears will absolutely fall, and the realizations of moments lost will hit with great force. BUT, Evan lives. He is here. He is precious, and awe inspiring. And while I feel the blessing of his life, I hurt for dear friends who ache with empty arms. Not for one moment do I forget the very real ache of the sorrow of empty arms. For 9 years that ache was ever present for me. Today I especially ache for a dear friend who received sad news. My heart hurts and cries for her and her husband. My thoughts and prayers are with them. I ache for others in my support system who are dealing with losses this holiday season either due to no pregnancies or loss of pregnancy and child/ren. My heart is with each one of you. My heart also aches for those who struggle with so many questions/prayers that seem to go unanswered. And I have no answers. All I can do is stand along side as a friend to pray and support and love. It's in these times of sorrow that makes me think...how does a person see anything as an opportunity for joy? I don't think it means that we are supposed to just shrug our shoulders and get up and start skipping through life. Life will ALWAYS contain struggles and sadness and disappointment and loss. And I don't think we are being asked to just brush it off and live in a bubble of disillusioned joy. But I think we are to learn that God doesn't say He will make life easy. He doesn't say He will give us all the desires of our heart. He doesn't say "yes" every time. But He always has open arms. We can always make our requests known. And even through the disappointment and sadness we can always be assured that He is there...even when He seems silent (although I'm learning that silence is ME pushing Him AWAY in anger). And even though there will be disappointment...there will be joy as well to help us through. I can't put such grand expectations on God...He isn't just a "yes" man. He never said He was. But yet as children we are taught "ask and ye shall receive". I think sometimes we grow up interpreting God and His word at times to skew in our favor...and then when it doesn't turn out the way WE expected...we get angry. I think sometimes we need to use caution in how we as humans choose to interpret God's word. Although one thing that can never be interpretted wrong...His love for us. God knows what it's like to lose a child. When I get angry I think of that, and think...in that case he COULD have changed the end result, but because His son died for us...my son now lives a true life in heaven...where one day we as believers will all be together. What a day that will be. One thing I will focus on today and each day forward...I am loved. I am not forgotten. YOU are loved, and YOU are not forgotten. And THAT is the reason for the season.

From the heart

Well, last night after some errands I went by the grave yard to "visit" Zac. It was dark, and I thought I'd be alone, but there was another couple there visiting a little one that passed away a few years ago. There are two specific graves that I will often walk past and say hello, and the couple was visiting the one. We exchanged "pained" hello's. I'm not sure if these were the parents or grandparents...but I know it was family. These two grave sites are decorated SO nicely for the Christmas season. It made me want to do more for Zac's. Anyhow, after saying hello I just sat over Zac's grave, swept off the snow from his plaque and the tears just began to flow. But they weren't ONLY tears for my sweet little Zac. They were tears for a dear friend of mine...a friend whom I have never met in person. See, we share a sad common bond, not only have we both dealt with infertility, but we both lost our first twins in the month of December. Me in '07, she in '08. I found myself sitting there just aching so deeply. For her, and for others I have come to know who struggle with empty arms either through no pregnancy or lost pregnancy or lost child. I started aching so deeply for those who have lost loved ones and now face the holidays with these empty spots around the tree. And although I forever feel the aching of sorrow with missing Zac...I feel a strange sense of comfort that I have a place to go to visit him. I didn't get that with our first twins, and that always created such a struggle in my heart. Even though I know where all my children ultimately are, there is just something with having someplace HERE to visit. In the beginning of this month Brett and I attended a candle light memorial service put on by the funeral home that took care of Zac's arrangements. They do this every year. Part way through the service each person in attendance walks to the front, says who they are there remembering and we are each given a lit candle. At the end of the service the lights were dimmed and we were reminded that even though our loved ones are no longer with us, they are still here in spirit to light our lives, and that we are all connected by this. It was a tough service. We brought Evan with us even though we are to try to avoid crowds for Evan's health safety. But we knew we needed him with us. And I'm so glad we did that. On the back of the program there was a poem that I want to share. The tears broke lose and the sobs were hard to contain. But the words of this poem were beautiful.

Christmas in Heaven

I see the countless Christmas trees around the world below

With tiny lights like heaven's stars, reflecting in the snow;

The sight is so spectacular; please wipe away the tear,

For I am spending Christmas with Jesus Christ this year.

I hear the many Christmas songs that people hold so dear;

But the music can't compare with the choir that's up here.

I have no words to tell you the joy their voices bring,

For it is beyond description, the way the angels sing.

I know how much you miss me, I see the pain inside your heart,

But I am not so far away, we really aren't apart.

So be happy for me, dear ones, you know I hold you near

Be glad I'm spending Christmas with Jesus Christ this year.

I send you each a special gift from my heavenly home above.

I send you each a memory of my undying love.

After all, LOVE is the gift, more precious than gold,

It was always most important in the stories Jesus told.

Please love and keep each other, as Christ has said to do,

For I can't count the blessing, or love God has for you.

Have a Merry Christmas and wipe away that tear,

And remember I'm spending Christmas

With Jesus Christ this year.

- Author Unknown

For each hurting spirit this season...I pray for peace and somehow joy! You are not alone!!

Pics for smiles

My lil' reindeer!!

Cool dude in uncles hat!

Enjoying an awesome yummy mooshy banana in my meshy thingy!

Get that monkey off my lil' cousins back! I'll save you Mason!!

Me and my bud...my cousin Mason!

Just a few pictures. Yesterdays post was so heavy that I wanted today to put smiles on faces :)

Silence...not a good thing some days

This morning started off pretty good! Laughter, smiles, giggles...it was wonderful. Then Evan went for his morning nap, Brett was out, the dogs were sleeping and there was no noise in my house. And it hit. That overwhelming wave of sadness that just hits in an instant with no warning and no stopping it. And then the whispers of lies from the enemy "where was the miracle for you son? Your sons will never play together. No one will remember Zac..." WOW...those whispers were pure toxic and I almost fell for them! I almost started to believe that we weren't "worth" it. Then a friend...(who I've never even met in real life!) reminded me how much Zac's life has impacted people, and from that, he will never be forgotten. And that although my boys may never get to grow up together here on earth...they will play together in eternity. I had also receive a precious email from my most special NICU nurse who lovingly reminded me that we loved Zac the best that we could and we looked beyond our own selfish desires and saw what Zac just couldn't take any more. That we loved him unconditionally, and unselfishly. I know these things are coming up because I'm being faced with these quick approaching 1 year milestones and memories. Our first and last picture at Christmas with both boys inside me, the night my water broke, the weeks in the hospital, the night I went in to labor and Zac went in to distress, the days of wondering and being called urgently to the NICU each time Zac began to crash, and then the morning we were told the worst news ever...and the day my faith was shaken to the core. Yet in these markers of sadness there are markers of joy. The 28 weeks I got to have with both my boys. Rocking them in my glider chair that I had dreamed of having for almost 10 years! Then while in the hospital the daily NST tests that allowed me to hear Zac's heart beating and him hiccuping. Watching the boys on weekly ultrasounds. Feeling them stretching, kicking, and moving all over the place, and then when they were sleeping and I wanted reassurance I would put my ipod earphones on my belly and play music to wake them up! :) Watching Doctors amazed that I was still there in the morning...for 5 weeks. And in the fear of the days when the boys were born I also got to marvel at Evan...this precious boy who was doing so well, when he was unknowingly and unprepared to enter a world he didn't belong in that early. The gift of my boys, although time with Zac was far too short. Now days are filled with wonder as I watch Evan just taking in everything around him, and watching him grow...and seeing the strength he posses. You see...I am greatful. It's not all just focused on the sadness and the grieving. Yet, just as my sons were meant to grow up hand in hand...I am now in a place where my sorrow and joy go hand in hand. It is the way it is. And although some may think I sound like I'm "wallowing" or not focusing on Evan...this couldn't be farther from the truth. Again, I am a mother with one son in her arms and another who I will never hold on this earth again. We each have our burdens to carry. I'm fortunate to have an amazing husband to walk beside me and pick me up when I feel I am falling down. I have this amazing child that gives me reason to breathe. I have wonderful family who help us out and who love Evan to bits and pieces with us! What would I do without them! Christmas time isn't always the rosy cheer-filled season that the TV advertises or the cards print out. Sometimes people are hurting and they are left to feel a sense "abandonment" almost. I think of others who have experienced recent loss of loved ones, people who are praying for their own miracles, people struggling financially or with health issues, people who don't have a home or money to buy their children presents with. People who won't get a nice turkey dinner or cards or gifts. I just wish I could do something for each one of these people. No one should have to feel alone. If we could each just do one thing for one person...think of all the people who would feel like they actually matter! Through my grief, I have been blessed. And for that I am greatful.

We have take off!!!!

So this morning I had Evan on the floor while I was doing some dishes...just on his usual play mat. Next thing I know I'm looking down at him right at my feet!!! He has decided it actually IS worth the effort to roll around!!! And now he can't be stopped!! It is soooooo cool! He has been partially rolling for some time now but I guess he didn't see the fun in fully rolling around. And now that he has had a glimpse of where he can get!!!! Unstoppable!! Too fun!!! I've been talking about these last 15 preggo pounds that I've been wanting to drop...and I think I now will be doing that with much more ease chasing after little man!! Just wait till he starts crawling...and then walking!! I am super proud of him, yet it's emotional because my teeny tiny little boy is turning in to a much more active, independent boy! My baby is growing up! The other emotional side is watching all this action and just feeling this unbelievable ache seeing the empty spot beside Evan. The spot where Zac should be, rolling and crashing around with his brother. Giggling together. Grabbing each others ears and feet and chewing on each other. It's tough. But I still see the joy and pride I have in Evan while he is hitting all these milestones. And I know his brother (well, brothers) are watching from above while they smile at their little brother. I know they are cheering him on!! On another note...Evan has cut a second tooth. He now has his two front bottom teeth. ADORABLE!!!!!!!!! But oh so painful when he decides he wants to use my finger as a chew toy!! Anyhow, Evan is napping so I better take this opportunity to get in a shower!! Yikes!!

Smiling while remembering

I just had to share these pictures!! The one above was taken Dec 5/08. I was 15 weeks here with Zac and Evan and on our way to a staff christmas party :) The one below was taken Dec 11/08 at 16 weeks.

I don't know why I'm posting old pregnancy pictures, but I never got to share these moments with many people...especially not on the blog. So I just really wanted to share some over the next few weeks as we appoach the final times of belly shots. I would take a picture of myself every Thursday because that was when a new week would begin! I had soooo much fun doing this and watching my own belly growing on the camera!!

Pretty sweet belly at just 15 and 16 weeks hey!! I was showing by week 8!!!!!