From the heart

Well, last night after some errands I went by the grave yard to "visit" Zac. It was dark, and I thought I'd be alone, but there was another couple there visiting a little one that passed away a few years ago. There are two specific graves that I will often walk past and say hello, and the couple was visiting the one. We exchanged "pained" hello's. I'm not sure if these were the parents or grandparents...but I know it was family. These two grave sites are decorated SO nicely for the Christmas season. It made me want to do more for Zac's. Anyhow, after saying hello I just sat over Zac's grave, swept off the snow from his plaque and the tears just began to flow. But they weren't ONLY tears for my sweet little Zac. They were tears for a dear friend of mine...a friend whom I have never met in person. See, we share a sad common bond, not only have we both dealt with infertility, but we both lost our first twins in the month of December. Me in '07, she in '08. I found myself sitting there just aching so deeply. For her, and for others I have come to know who struggle with empty arms either through no pregnancy or lost pregnancy or lost child. I started aching so deeply for those who have lost loved ones and now face the holidays with these empty spots around the tree. And although I forever feel the aching of sorrow with missing Zac...I feel a strange sense of comfort that I have a place to go to visit him. I didn't get that with our first twins, and that always created such a struggle in my heart. Even though I know where all my children ultimately are, there is just something with having someplace HERE to visit. In the beginning of this month Brett and I attended a candle light memorial service put on by the funeral home that took care of Zac's arrangements. They do this every year. Part way through the service each person in attendance walks to the front, says who they are there remembering and we are each given a lit candle. At the end of the service the lights were dimmed and we were reminded that even though our loved ones are no longer with us, they are still here in spirit to light our lives, and that we are all connected by this. It was a tough service. We brought Evan with us even though we are to try to avoid crowds for Evan's health safety. But we knew we needed him with us. And I'm so glad we did that. On the back of the program there was a poem that I want to share. The tears broke lose and the sobs were hard to contain. But the words of this poem were beautiful.

Christmas in Heaven

I see the countless Christmas trees around the world below

With tiny lights like heaven's stars, reflecting in the snow;

The sight is so spectacular; please wipe away the tear,

For I am spending Christmas with Jesus Christ this year.

I hear the many Christmas songs that people hold so dear;

But the music can't compare with the choir that's up here.

I have no words to tell you the joy their voices bring,

For it is beyond description, the way the angels sing.

I know how much you miss me, I see the pain inside your heart,

But I am not so far away, we really aren't apart.

So be happy for me, dear ones, you know I hold you near

Be glad I'm spending Christmas with Jesus Christ this year.

I send you each a special gift from my heavenly home above.

I send you each a memory of my undying love.

After all, LOVE is the gift, more precious than gold,

It was always most important in the stories Jesus told.

Please love and keep each other, as Christ has said to do,

For I can't count the blessing, or love God has for you.

Have a Merry Christmas and wipe away that tear,

And remember I'm spending Christmas

With Jesus Christ this year.

- Author Unknown

For each hurting spirit this season...I pray for peace and somehow joy! You are not alone!!