I am still confident of this:
I will see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living.
Wait for the Lord;
be strong and take heart
and wait for the Lord
Psalm 27: 13-14

Tuesday, December 22, 2009

"...let it be an opportunity for joy"

Well, for I think the first time since Zac passed away I pulled out my Bible that I had shoved under my bed in frustration and confusion and...well, lets face it...anger. I also pulled out a book that I had read a while after we lost our first twins. A book that I worked through before moving forward with our second round of IVF. It is called Finding God's Path Through Your Trials by Elizabeth George. I opened the book randomly and fell on a verse at the beginning of the chapter. Dear brothers and sisters, whenever trouble comes your way, let it be an opportunity for joy. -James 1:2 Wow...I've read it before and was troubled by the thought of "HOW is one to use trouble to be an opportunity for joy?" When everything around a person seems to be falling apart, how do you be joyful? And if I didn't have God in my life...it would be impossible. I would have no hope. I've spent so much time angry at God for Him "allowing" the troubles for Zac and for not "fixing" things and not sparing our sons life. True...I'm still sad, and always will have sadness on moments lost with Zac, but...the anger is slowly subsiding. I know God didn't do this TO us. Zac has always been God's child...we just got the honor of having him in our lives for the 28 weeks I carried him and the three days after his birth. Just like Evan is God's child, yet I have the pure honor of carrying on being his earthly mommy. I have been entrusted to care for a child of God. I don't understand why this happened. I try to look to the future to see how the impact of what has happened will benefit others, or if it even will. I hope so. But I'm starting to learn to try NOT to understand...because I never will. I'm trying not to look at others twin pregnancies and births and wonder why did I lose 3 of my four twins? I'm trying not to cringe every time I hear another twin pregnancy announcement or commercial on TV mentioning twins. Even the word "twin highway" is like a daggar in my heart! And I can't do this anymore. In the book that I read one point said "Refuse to compare your trial or your suffering or your life with anyone else's". And a verse to accompany that was 2 Corinthians 10:12 "You are not to compare yourself or your dilemma with your peers. To do so is not wise." I have an opportunity for joy...my son that lives, my precious gift...Evan. And my sorrow and grief has hampered opportunities for joy. My fears from what happened to Zac have overshadowed moments of joy with Evan because I'm too focused on being terrified of what "might" happen to Evan. The risks that Evan still has for health issues always loom over my head...but we are doing everything we can as parents, and family to protect his life to OUR abilities. Yes, we pray for Evan...but we also do our human part of the responsibility to take precautions. The sorrow of loss and grief can no longer overshadow this sweet, amazing child that I am honored to be entrusted to care for. The sorrow and grief will remain...but it can not be front and center. The tears will absolutely fall, and the realizations of moments lost will hit with great force. BUT, Evan lives. He is here. He is precious, and awe inspiring. And while I feel the blessing of his life, I hurt for dear friends who ache with empty arms. Not for one moment do I forget the very real ache of the sorrow of empty arms. For 9 years that ache was ever present for me. Today I especially ache for a dear friend who received sad news. My heart hurts and cries for her and her husband. My thoughts and prayers are with them. I ache for others in my support system who are dealing with losses this holiday season either due to no pregnancies or loss of pregnancy and child/ren. My heart is with each one of you. My heart also aches for those who struggle with so many questions/prayers that seem to go unanswered. And I have no answers. All I can do is stand along side as a friend to pray and support and love. It's in these times of sorrow that makes me think...how does a person see anything as an opportunity for joy? I don't think it means that we are supposed to just shrug our shoulders and get up and start skipping through life. Life will ALWAYS contain struggles and sadness and disappointment and loss. And I don't think we are being asked to just brush it off and live in a bubble of disillusioned joy. But I think we are to learn that God doesn't say He will make life easy. He doesn't say He will give us all the desires of our heart. He doesn't say "yes" every time. But He always has open arms. We can always make our requests known. And even through the disappointment and sadness we can always be assured that He is there...even when He seems silent (although I'm learning that silence is ME pushing Him AWAY in anger). And even though there will be disappointment...there will be joy as well to help us through. I can't put such grand expectations on God...He isn't just a "yes" man. He never said He was. But yet as children we are taught "ask and ye shall receive". I think sometimes we grow up interpreting God and His word at times to skew in our favor...and then when it doesn't turn out the way WE expected...we get angry. I think sometimes we need to use caution in how we as humans choose to interpret God's word. Although one thing that can never be interpretted wrong...His love for us. God knows what it's like to lose a child. When I get angry I think of that, and think...in that case he COULD have changed the end result, but because His son died for us...my son now lives a true life in heaven...where one day we as believers will all be together. What a day that will be. One thing I will focus on today and each day forward...I am loved. I am not forgotten. YOU are loved, and YOU are not forgotten. And THAT is the reason for the season.


  1. I just wanted to stop by and say how sorry I am at the loss of your sweet Zac. You are so right. I firmly believe that joy and sadness can co-exist in this life. I am so sad at the loss of my Madelyn. I always will be. Yet I have joy in her life and in knowing she lives still. I take joy in the way I felt her getting to know my womb. I take joy in those tiny little hands I held in my own. In that head of blonde hair. In her lips that look like a miniature version of my husband's. So much pain, so much joy.

  2. Beautiful post Heather! So much of what you said hits home for me...it still amazes me how even the word 'twin bed' can bring such pain. I also recently learned that joy and happiness are different from one another. I can feel sadness and not be happy but still be joyful. It's amazing how many things we can feel at one time...we are so complex! Hugs and prayers for you this new year!