I am still confident of this:
I will see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living.
Wait for the Lord;
be strong and take heart
and wait for the Lord
Psalm 27: 13-14

Monday, December 28, 2009

Merry Christmas - oh how funny

Christmas fun
Remembering Zac and making him part of the season too!
Ready for a big day of fun!!
Mommy's lil' elf!
Daddy...OOOHHHHH, I mean SANTA and Evan!! :) hee hee hee hee hee
Well, we had a pretty good Christmas. The morning brought fresh tears and sadness for me, but after a good cry and a visit to Zac's grave I was ready to face the day with actual joy.
We had fun opening Evan's presents and watching him more thrilled with the paper and strings then the actual presents! And then a nice day spent between Brett's and then my family. Evan was completely messed up that day!! He didn't have a morning nap and didn't nap until 4pm which was frightening...but he was still in happy spirits. Once we got to my parents he crashed and slept a couple hours. We had just enough time to eat and then have some fun with Brett dressing up as Santa for Evan and my nephews and my niece! It was HILARIOUS!!!!!!!! My nephew and niece totally bought it and their faces were PRICELESS. Brett and I had been killing ourselves laughing getting Brett ready. We are convinced Evan knew it was Brett because when I put him on Santa's lap he just looked up at Brett and it was almost like he shrugged his shoulders and decided to just "go along" with it!
I knew we couldn't take Evan to Santa (at the mall) this year so I brought Santa to Evan and the kids.
I had told Brett I didn't want any gifts this year. I got my gifts...Zac and Evan, and that's all I could ask for. It was a tough year figuring out the balance of joy and sadness with this being the first year without Zac at our family gatherings or in front of the tree or sitting on Santa's lap with his brother. It also seems like yesterday since we lost our first babies. It has been 2 years since we had to say goodbye. It's hard to imagine, yet as fresh today as it was that sad December day! But we truly savoured every moment with Evan. We feel beyond blessed with this amazing little guy!! He continually blows us away every day we look at him!!! He is full of life, and so inquisitive and just wants to take everything in. He is full of smiles and ready to give a giggle or snuggle. I get butterflies in my stomach just thinking about how much joy he brings to my life.
In all the joy I feel anxiety too facing the one year marks of the things that began a troubled chain of events. I feel my chest tighten and my hands shake time to time. I try not to focus on it, but it's kind of impossible.
I have to thank a dear dear woman who lovingly gave me a card this year and in it mentioned the loss of her brother and how it's almost more difficult not to have people mention his name...and it's so true. As hard as people may think it may be for me to mention Zac's name...it's more painful for them not too! As strange as this sounds...I am greatful to one of my sister-in-laws who shed tears at the kitchen table when I gave her a card with our family photos but our "In Joy and in Sorrow" "announcement" info for Zac and Evan. I am greatful for those tears because in that instant I knew Zac is not forgotten, and that someone else remembers the sadness. Those tears meant the world to me. And it's so funny, because when someone gets teary I automatically say "don't do it"...but really...I don't want to stop it because I know someone is shedding those tears in loving memory. It is the day when others no longer shed tears or mentions Zac's name that will tear my heart out.
Anyhow, Evan is doing great. Rolling around like a mad-man, jabbering non-stop, and has a third tooth coming through...an EYE TOOTH!! It's adorable. He has outgrown yet MORE of his onesies. Tonight I went on a hunt for 6-12 month onesies at Old Navy and they had nothing but GARBAGE!! I was soooooooooooooooooooo disappointed!!! There was literally NO boy clothes. A couple 3-6 month onesies and some odds and ends. Cute pj's, but nothing useful in terms of clothes. So I went to Walmart and it was just as bad!! I was SOOOOOOOOOO annoyed!!!!!
Oh well, I try a couple other places and see if anyone else remembers that boys need clothes too!
Well, I suppose I should sign off. I just wanted to share a couple of Santa photos...MUCH to Brett's opposition!!
Hoping everyone had a wonderful Christmas!


  1. So glad that you were able to have some joy. Evan is adorable...and I'm so glad that you have him in your arms and your other three in your heart. You are a wonderful mother of 4.

  2. What a bright eyed little boy! I love the picture with Santa(aka Brett) & Evan. SO adorable.