I even started to stock up their clothes for when they would be coming home...as you can see we had planned for many months of growth with the range of sizes. What a heart breaking moment to go through the closet once more to remove the items that were duplicates for Zac.
It's hard to imagine that as of now I was in the final stage of my pregnancy...even though I didn't know it. Here I was home on a 5 hour day pass rocking in the glider chair that I had dreamed about owning for almost 10 years! Here were my final days of rocking my boys together inside me.
Now I look at my goofy son! So full of life and love and desire to learn! This was from this morning. He was being so silly and having such fun! Moments that I cherish!
It is hard to believe that it is March. Hard to believe I didn't know this was my final week of my pregnancy. One week in to my third trimester my boys were delivered. 12 weeks early they entered the world. I was telling Brett last night that the one memory that keeps rushing over me is the moment I realized something was going very wrong. The moment I was taken to L&D for monitoring, and the moment we all realized that Zac was in serious trouble. The memory of hearing the OB phone the OR and saying "open it immediately, we need in there now!" Being rushed down the hall, having the mask placed over my face to knock me out and me yelling that I couldn't breath. I don't know if it was because I was in such a panic or what...but I thought I was suffocating! Then feeling the OB's hand on my stomach and hearing her say over and over "can we go yet" to the anesthesiologist and hearing him reply "not yet!". Then waking up in recovery shivering and in so much pain...and then the realization...were my boys even alive? Did they survive? And then Brett showing me pictures of them and saying "they are alive, they are okay".
Most women would be reflecting back on such a joyful time. On the happiness of the moment. Sharing stories of labor pains and delivery experiences and the moment they heard their childs cry. I have nothing of that. I have memories of terror, fear, and memories that make me feel like I am suffocating under that mask all over again!
That saddens me.
I realize though, that as much as I am afraid that Zac will be forgotten or never spoken of...I don't want Evan overlooked either! Evan is here and well. He is the light of my life. Zac is home in eternity...he will not be offended or hurt by things that Evan COULD be! And I don't want that. I want Evan to feel all the love he deserves.
This will be a busy week as we continue to pack our house and prepare it for listing, as I prepare for Evan's birthday and with appointments scattered over the next two weeks for Evan. I think I am finding myself tired and overwhelmed. But I am also trying to find peace within myself.
I started this devotional called The One Year Book of Hope by Nancy Guthrie, who experienced agonizing pain through the death of two infant children shortly after birth. Her story brought tears flooding, yet the understanding brought "peace". A couple of verses within the first few entries are as follows :
You keep track of all my sorrows. You have collected all my tears in your bottle. You have recorded each one in your book. - Psalm 56:8
He shot his arrows deep into my heart. The thought of my suffering and hoplessness is bitter beyond words. I will never forget this awful time, as I grieve over my loss. Yet I still dare to hope when I remember this: The unfailing love of the Lord never ends! By His mercies we have been kept from complete destruction. - Lamentationsf 3:13, 19-22
Yes, I have these tears and sorrows, but I also have this precious joy alive in my life! And for that I thank God for his graciousness. Just as Evan's name means "God is Gracious". The last part of that Lamentations verse is so true..."by his mercies we have been kept from complete destruction"...and that continues to be my prayer. I want to be strong for Evan and I want to be an example to him, as a person and as his mother. I want to trust in hope once again and the possibility for the future.
As Evan and Zac's first birthdays approach I want to feel the excitement of preparing a party (and I am). I want to feel the innocence of the day. I want to focus our attention on Evan and all that he has overcome this first year. And I want to thank God (even though I still want to scream at Him!) for allowing us moments with Zac, and this year with Evan. I pray for many many more together! March 6th holds memories that, ya, weren't typical or desired...but it holds memories of the day that our sons entered our lives and changed us forever. March 6th is the day I became a real life mommy to two precious boys. And that is what I want to celebrate.
The day may hold tears and breathless moments, but I am focusing on the good! Yet what a day of emotions it will be!
Well, I should go to try and figure out what to make for supper while Evan finishes up his nap.
Thanks for walking through these days of memories with me, and for those who have remained by my side! The journey continues!!