I am still confident of this:
I will see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living.
Wait for the Lord;
be strong and take heart
and wait for the Lord
Psalm 27: 13-14

Wednesday, March 10, 2010

Most precious day...one year ago today...

Four days after our boys were born, I finally got to hold Evan for 5 short, but precious minutes. I couldn't believe just how tiny he was. 2lb 9ou really does feel like air!
Talk about crazy emotions. The very way I held Zac was the way I held Evan...both amazing, precious experiences, yet so very opposite in emotion of sorrow and joy.
My teeeeny tiny wonder. Barely 29 weeks gestation here!!
One year ago today, 4 days after the birth of our sons, and the day after Zac passed away, I was allowed 5 minutes of beautifully torn emotions of holding my sweet, tiny 2lb 9ou little miracle man! This little boy who was still supposed to be growing inside me for another 12 weeks was now in my arms. The day after I held his brother as he passed to heaven, I was holding my little son Evan and experiencing the most crazy range of emotions of sorrow and grief along side joy and pride.
Holding Evan was amazing. Holding this itty bitty little baby, whom I could have held in one hand...was unbelievable. These precious boys who were supposed to be within me for another trimester were in our world...and in heaven.
Holding Evan felt like a dream. And 5 minutes was just not long enough. Knowing that I'd have to be satisfied with watching him grow our last trimester within an isolette...the fill-in womb that should have been me...was tough. Wondering how each day would go, knowing that anything could happen. Constantly on guard from the reality and nightmare of losing Zac.
I would stay be Evan's side from morning to night only to leave during morning rounds and evening shift change or to pump every 3 hours. I ran solely on adrenalin for those 66 days. It eventually caught up with me, and at my 6 week post-op check it was discovered that I had developed a post-op infection. Truly, it didn't surprise me. I never took the time to try to heal. My life from day one was trying to sort out a funeral while being with Evan every day. I couldn't handle being in my house without either of my boys.
The day I was discharged and came home was one of the most painful days of my life. Out the doors of the hospital we walked (well, me wheeled)...without either of our sons. One never to walk out those doors with us, and the other with us wondering if we would be able to bring him home.
Walking in to my house opened flood gates of anguish that I never knew existed. I remembered all too well the day we came back home after my D&C after we lost Jack and Ethan...but this was a pain I never knew could be a part of my life. I would never bring Zac in to our home outside of my womb...and at that time had no idea what was in store for Evan.
But for today I will stay focused on how I felt holding Evan. Feeling his hands on my skin. Listening to him breathing. Kissing his precious little head. In absolute awe at just how tiny this little child of mine was. Head spinning that after all these years of tears, pain, wonder...I was holding one of my sons! I was holding my living child. He was here in my arms...it wasn't just a dream! It was amazing. It still IS amazing every time I have Evan in my arms. Except now I can't hold him in the palm of my hands...he now drapes over me with his 21 pound body!! :) He cruises all over the house and my dogs are now forever on guard for the little being who wants to crawl over them and grab their feet!
Evan brings a joy that I never new could be mine. Even though there will always be the sadness of missing Zac...I am finally getting to a place where I no longer feel guilty for the joy I feel. Zac wouldn't want me to feel guilty...he would want me to live each moment with Evan in joy and love and happiness. And I can do that!! I love to do that!! Evan amazes me every day...no matter how exhausted I am at the end of each day after a day of chasing after him!
Evan had his one year (uncorrected age) check up today. How fitting that it would be today of all days! That just dawned on me!! My doctor was just blown away at how well he is doing! He is even now well on the charts for a full term baby!!!! Still in the 25th percentiles for uncorrected age (he is way on the charts for his corrected age!), but she was just amazed by that! It was nice to hear that excitement! When Evan was getting weighed the assistant said he no longer has to strip down...he's graduated!! And he didn't get weighed on the baby scale, but got to sit on the "big people" scale!!! My little guy weighed in at 21 pounds today and is 29.5 inches long! WOWZERS!!!!!!!
My doctor did hear his heart murmur again. He has had that since NICU days, but his NICU docs never felt concerned with it as it would come and go and sounded very mild. My doctor was surprised that they never did an ECG, so she is just going to follow up with Evan's NICU doc, but figures she will be told that it is of no concern.
Me and my brothers were born with heart murmurs too, and they are very common. Mine progressed in to Mitral Valve Regurgetation, but is not severe. I just get treated with antibiotics prior to dental work, surgery, anything that might create an access point for infection. If infection occured it could create damage to my heart valve and in worst case senarios can be fatal. But that is not the case. I'm okay!
Anyhow, I just ask that you all just say a prayer for Evan's murmur even though I am not concerned about it. But still...prayer couldn't hurt!
Well, I just wanted to share some joy today. Every day I look at Evan I feel joy. I love my little man, and I love each moment with him. He is precious beyond words, and I am blessed to be called mommy to both my boys!!! xoxo


  1. Oh Heather...I couldn't even comment on the last one because I was just in tears. You are so dear.

    How I imagine your heart ached as you looked at those pictures again to post them...and remembered. My heart ached for you. You are very brave for being able to do so, for it's not really that easy to purposefully do something that is so bittersweet.

    Thank you, thank you, thank you for sharing them. I fall in love with your little Evan every time you tell us some new, wonderful and fabulous thing! My heart breaks that your little Zac isn't with you, but those pictures made me miss him FOR you even more!! Your boys are BEAUTIFUL!

  2. There was so much in those last posts which I never knew Heather. Small details, yet ones which you probably couldn't bear to express this time last year. Like how scared you felt being rushed to theatre; how long you held Zac and Evan for. I hate that you have to live with those memories forever etched on your hearts and minds. How I miss your Zac along with you and how I rejoice with each milestone which Evan reaches. I often feel the joy/sorrow conflict going on when I think and pray for you and I cannot even begin to imagine how intense that is for YOU. On a daily basis. Thank you for sharing your heart so freely, honestly and openly. You and Brett are far more courageous than you probably ever give yourselves credit for.