I am still confident of this:
I will see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living.
Wait for the Lord;
be strong and take heart
and wait for the Lord
Psalm 27: 13-14

Monday, March 8, 2010

March 6th...one year ago! Part two.

The morning started with a trip to the cemetery to place a balloon and birthday card on our sons resting place. A very emotional moment.
Unfortunately the letters ran on my cake, but the inscription reads "Our boys R shining stars on earth and heaven." I made a chocolate zucchini cake with cream cheese icing. The small balloon candles have an "E" and a "Z" on each.
Evan truly did not care about the cake at all. No interest whatsoever! It was funny! He tried, gagged on it, mashed it around and that was that!
Opening presents! Having more fun with the tissue paper.
Can't believe our little guy is one (well...also 9mths corrected).
What a week! Emotional, confusing, exciting, heart breaking...up and downs galore. Fortunately I was so busy preparing for the day that my mind was as preoccupied as possible. Never a moment without that joy and sadness, but busy.
But how precious to be celebrating this day with loved ones, and looking at this little guy who had no choice but to arrive far too soon! 12 weeks too soon! What strength, determinination, will, love he held! He teaches me those every day!
To remember this little peanut of a baby in his isolette so tiny and so frail, yet the talk of the nurses in NICU with how strong and wiggly he always was...it's hard to forget those days.
As we sang Happy Birthday to Evan I got through the first line and couldn't sing anymore. Not because I didn't feel joy...but because I felt SO MUCH joy. And...a whole lot of sorrow missing the reality that Zac will never be in birthday pictures the way we dreamed.
The events of Saturday really hit me yesterday and I spent the good part of the day wheepy and broken.
I want this year to be a new year filled with some resemblance of renewed hope for the future. Hope for what remains a desire in our hearts. I don't want to live in fear any more.
The sadness of missing Zac will NEVER go away, but the joy of Evan is helping me heal more and more.
I was touched by a special gift included for Zac from a dear friend of mine on Saturday. It meant the world to me to have you do this...to remember with me, and to show me that you remember too :) You are an amazing person...and although I wish our meeting had not been through NICU and the fight for our childrens lives...I am glad we have been brought together all the same! You hold a very special place in my heart!
Evan didn't have much of a nap Saturday so he was running on pure adrenalin! He just didn't slow down! But the excitement of family and his cousins, and his future wife (hee hee hee)...how could he expect to sleep through any of that! I fear he has inherited his mothers issue with not wanting to miss out on anything by having a nap!!
The day was precious. The day was a day of remembering both my boys. The day was one of celebrating Evan and his life, and feeling greatful for the honor of being mommy to both Evan and Zac. It truly is an honor, and one that I feel blessed by!

1 comment:

  1. Heather,
    I'm a good friend of Lori's. i just read your blog for the first time today and my heart can't stop crying for you. As the mother of fourteen month old twins who were born six weeks premature (I got put on bedrest at 26 weeks), you are living my very worst nightmare. Losing both of them would have been unbearable, too, but watching only one them grow up...there are no words. I wish more than anything I could hug you right now.

    The cake that you made is absolutely perfect. You could not have done anything more perfect to honor them both in such a special way. What a wonderful mommy Zac and Evan are blessed to have.