I am still confident of this:
I will see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living.
Wait for the Lord;
be strong and take heart
and wait for the Lord
Psalm 27: 13-14

Saturday, March 13, 2010

But for today...

I've had so much on my mind lately. Some of it encouraging, some of it "down", some of it I'm ashamed to admit. I realize how much I focus on the past and the future...but struggle with the present. Allow me to try to explain. I often feel (well, ALWAYS feel) the emptiness of the place in our family where Zac, and our identical twins Ethan and Jack should have been. I feel the sadness and the sorrow of a grieving mothers heart. I face yet another one year marker (and one yet to happen) of tomorrow, the day we walked in to our church...not to have our sons baptised, but to have the life of Zac honored at his funeral. I will never forget the feeling that overcame me as we drove up to the church and saw the herse out front, and walking in to the church knowing we were going to face our sons casket...not his face. That tiny white casket holding within it the body of my first born son, wrapped in the beautifully crocheted blanket my grandma had made for each Zac and Evan. It belonged to Zac, so I couldn't imagine not having him wrapped within the love of each stitch and dream that blanket represented to me, along with a few other items that belonged to my son. I know those items didn't go with him to heaven, I know that blanket still rests underneath the earth holding what is left of my childs earthly body...but the love is with Zac in heaven...that I know. There are days where I feel over riden with sadness...even though I laugh and smile and feel unexplainable love and joy through it all with Brett and Evan. There are days where I dream of what the future may, or may not hold. There are days where I feel lost. Days where I feel like I'm wandering aimlessly in my mind. There are also days where I feel the blessing of all my children...on earth and in heaven. I feel each one of them within me. I know each one is well. I will forever miss my heavenly children...but I will forever cherish every single second with my sweet, precious Evan here on earth. There are days where I know my sadness is more about me than it is Zac, Jack and Ethan. Days where my earthly mommy heart aches, yet my children are free of all the sorrow that earth would have presented to them in physical ways. Well, I don't know that was the reason for Jack and Ethan's passing...I didn't even know I had miscarried them. And never knew of a reason why I lost them. Yet another "unexplained" in our journey. There are many days where I see young children bound to wheelchairs, unable to talk, walk, move...and I know that this would have been Zac's future. I can't say that I feel "better" knowing he no longer aches or struggles because in saying that means that I'm "better" with his passing...and I'm not. I can't say it still doesn't confuse me as to why any of this happened to him at all when he was doing so great. And I can't say that I don't still blame myself, even though I know I couldn't have done anything differently. Yet...my sadness is more about me because I know my children feel no pain, no suffering, no sadness. They live the ultimate life! They no longer know the pain of hurting. They are whole and complete. But, my earthly mommy heart misses my babies so much. However...this is me focusing on the past. Even though my pain is still very present. And will always be a part of my future. My encouragement comes from Brett and Evan and knowing that with these two guys...I really do have a purpose. Not that I am defined by being a wife or a mother now, but my life is different now. I have a son who relies on me, and a husband who has always shown me nothing less than love and support. Why am I ashamed to admit something? I hate to even type this because it makes me feel weak, small, pathetic... I am ashamed to admit that I still feel a pang at each new pregnancy announcement around me. Ashamed to admit that I ache in others multiple pregnancy joy because I miss being a part of that special "group" knowing that I will now never belong and will always feel an outsider of what I am technically a part of. I am ashamed to admit that I feels pangs of jealousy. OK, there, I admitted it, and it is out there, and some may shun me for it, and others may fully understand where I am coming from. Don't get me wrong...I am VERY happy for people who can get pregnant and who can carry to term and for those blessed with the happy ending in their multiple pregnancy. I truly am happy for them. And their happiness and their story has nothing to do with my life. It's just that so much of what is around me is reminders of parts of what I have lost...and never know if I will get to experience again. I know I have said this before, but, I truly do hope that we will be able to have another child one day. I really do want Evan to have a sibling, and I really do miss being pregnant and really miss what a FULL pregnancy would have been like. And yet feel soooooooo scared because of the losses and pains we have endured. Will pregancy ever be a truly joyful time for me if I ever get the chance again? I hope so. At some point I hope so. I'm sure by now people think I should be over things. Sorry...nope, not yet. Not ever. It is what it is. All I can hope it that those who care about me will stay by my side and will just help me through. And for the most part I feel that. NOW, what I mean by my title "But for today..." Today I just want to feel normal. Today I want to feel some resemblance of peace, although I don't remember what that's like. Today I want to feel some hope in dreams of the future, although hope feels like a vague word to me most days. Hope is something that scares me because it means I am allowing myself to become vulnerable to the unknown once more...and it's scary. But...for today I want to feel it...I want to feel hope. Today I want to hear another person say Zac's name, just so I can hear it out loud other than from my own mouth. Today I want to look at Evan and not feel like I failed him by not being able to protect his brother. Today I want my husband to look at me a whole person, no matter how tattered I actually am. Today I want to find my way back to God...truly. Ya, I throw out the odd prayer, and still find myself wanting to bargain and plead for things yet to hopefully come. But I want to be able to say, "OK...yes, I hurt, yes, I want to blame you...but I don't. I just want to feel your arms around me again." And I know He wants to hear that of me. I know that for today...He can carry me through...and we'll work on tomorrow - tomorrow. Today I want to soak in my life...and smile. Today I want to remember the joys of the short pregnancy I had. Today I want to remember seeing my sons on ultra sounds, and hearing their heart beats and feeling their little bodies moving all around inside and making me look like an alien! Today I want to remember the hope I felt those 5 weeks in hospital, and remember the awe that the doctors and nurses had in each day and week that passed watching the boys doing well! Today I want to remember how fun it was to have a baby shower that included both my boys while I stayed in the hospital before their birth and for an evening feeling...normal. Today I want to build up strength for tomorrow...but mostly, I want to live for...today. My past will always be a part of my present and my future. It is the way it is. I will never "get over" it, I will never stop wishing people would recognize both my sons. I will never stop aching on milestone days. But I will aim to smile at precious moments. I will cling to sweet memories. I will try to strive to hold on to hope for what might come. I will live for today. I will cherish each day. I will honor Evan by being the best darn mommy I can be for him. I will honor Zac by learning to find peace. I will always hold fiercely to all my children. I am a mama bear! I will try to remember how important one word has always been to me...HOPE. And I will try not to be so scared of it. As all these one year markers have come and are soon to be gone...I realize more than ever...life keeps going forward. I will always have sorrow and moments of tears...and Zac will always be a part of my...OUR, present and future...but life isn't going to rewind and correct the wrongs. It isn't going to pause until I'm "okay". It isn't going to cushion the future and what it may or may not hold. Life goes on. People come and go. We love, we lose. We laugh, we cry. We cherish, and we ache. The good and bad go hand in hand. No ones life is perfect...those who try to pretend it is...are lying. But we all learn how to move through each day. I am just not afraid to show the side of life where people allow themselves to be vulnerable in the truth of their emotions. It is how I am coping. After I do a post I often find myself going "did I really just type that? Does it really matter to anyone? What are people going to think of me?" And honestly...I hope the vulnerability and the honesty and openness can help someone who may struggle in these things. Knowing that it's okay to ache and hurt and question...as long as we can keep moving forward. We may never forget our circumstance or our losses...but life moves on...and we need to find the strength to move on with it. However that new "norm" comes about. I'm searching that one out. I am trying my best to be my best. In living for today, and tomorrow...but not forgetting yesterdays. How can I? And that's okay...as long as I don't stop moving forward. There is so much more ahead...and I have to rebuild strength, courage...and once again...hope. "But I am trusting You, O Lord, saying "you are my God!" My future is in your hands." Psalm 31:15


  1. Oh, you aren't alone in your feelings...and you are very loved and lifted up!

  2. I cried reading this post Heather. well, I cry reading most of your posts!! I love your honesty and transparency. So often I am unable to verbalize the emotions I have surrounding the loss of our own twins and I find myself nodding in agreement, yet with many, many tears. I hate that you had to go through losing jack and Ethan and then your precious Zac. My heart hurts and remembers continually with yours. I've been thinking a lot about hope lately too. I'm not sure if it's any comfort to you right now, but I keep holding onto and re-reading this portion of Psalm 39:

    Psalm 39:7
    "But now, Lord, what do I look for? My hope is in you.