I am still confident of this:
I will see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living.
Wait for the Lord;
be strong and take heart
and wait for the Lord
Psalm 27: 13-14

Monday, March 8, 2010

March 6th...one year ago! Part one.

Urgently at 10:51pm on March 6, 2009 at 28wks gestation our sweet Zac Michael entered our lives weighing 2lb 5.5ou.
A sign of the beginning of the struggles for Zac with everything that he had to be connected too, and with blood transfusions. But we still prayed and hoped that he would somehow make it through.
Very swiftly, one minute after his big brother was taken, Evan Brett quickly entered our world as well, weighing 2lb 9ou.
You can't imagine how tiny our little boys were! But there is an idea with Evan's hand in daddy's hand.
It is really hard for me to believe it has been a year. The events of the day of Zac and Evan's birth are as fresh in my mind as they were one year ago. The panic, the fear, the knowing that something was going on. For 5 weeks we had prayed, hoped, believed for a grand miracle. Each day for 5 weeks WERE a miracle! Zac continued to grow and do well with little amniotic fluid. And even though Evan had no idea what was going on, and as far as things were concerned with him everything was great...we knew an early delivery would have been just as catastrophic for him too. Each day we kept begging "one more day, please, one more day!" Then "one more week, please, one more week".
The birth of my boys was not at all the way I dreamed. I "planned" to deliver naturally. I "hoped" to hear their first cries and to have them lifted for me to see. Instead I had to feel the OB's hand urgently resting on my belly waiting to be told she could start to get the boys. I had to keep hearing "not yet, not yet". Instead, I have no memories other than pure terror wondering if when I woke up if I would be told they were alive, or dead. I woke up in pure agony from the pain of surgery. I woke up with the last thought in my head being "I'm soffocating!"
I never got to hear their cries. I never got to see them lifted for me and Brett. I never got to hold Brett's hand and watch his face when he laid eyes on our boys for the first time. It was a day before I got to see either of them. Brett was able to show me a picture of each of them while I was in recovery, but I remember waking up and just wanting to scream in fear and begging Brett to tell me if they were okay.
Nothing was at all like I dreamed for almost 10 years. Nothing was like I had hoped would finally be the ending to our quest for a family.
Not only did I feel cheated out of a trimester of pregnancy...I felt cheated out of the joy of the birth of our sons. I lost out again. And when Evan asks me to tell him about that day...I won't be able to. All I can tell him is that "mommy had to go to sleep, so I don't know what all happened."
I often wonder if it will be confusing and hard for Evan to learn of his entry in to this world and the months that followed in NICU. I think about how he might feel every day.
For those who have followed my blog from the beginning, you know the events. You have walked the raw emotion and reality that we lived. Now it's time for reflection...and for me to find a way to move forward. Never forgetting...but trying to find a sense of healing and "acceptance". I will never truly accept what happened, and will never stop feeling so angry about it all. Every time I think about my questions it always leads back to one thing...why did I have to rupture at all when both my boys were doing well?! And I can't answer that question...so all the others just leave me feeling broken and guilty...so it's time to start looking towards the future, and not staying broken in the past. Zac is with me every day. He was a part of my physical body for 28 weeks...and he will always be a part of me in my heart beats, my breath...everything. But I have to start finding a way to let him rest in peace. I KNOW he is in perfection now...I just still wish he was perfectly in my arms too.
I beg of people...PLEASE don't stop saying Zac's name. Don't think for a moment that saying his name would hurt me. You may see tears well in my eyes, but those are tears of gratitude that people aren't trying to "protect" me by not mentioning him. I have to say...it's when I don't hear his name or hear him mentioned when talking about their birthing day...THAT is when I feel devastated. I so badly don't want people to stop saying his name. So I am asking you...speak Zac's name.
Through it all, I am blessed. I am blessed to be the mommy of two amazing little boys who have taught me so much, and continue to teach me so much every day. The pain will never go away, but I'm sure one day it won't completely crush me like it can now.
One year ago March 6th, my sons lived. One year ago they celebrated their first day in this world together. March 6th, 2010 Evan celebrated his first year on this earth with us...and Zac celebrated with his sibblings and family and friends in heaven.
Yes, I wish I could have seen them together. I wish I could watch them growing up together side by side the way it was meant to be. I wish many things.
But this March 6th we sang to our boys, and even though Zac is not physically here...his heart will always be here with us.
Today I watch in awe my son Evan. I watch this wonder and I fall in love more each day. His birth, and his fight through NICU and coming home with us have been such miracles and blessings.
My boys are fighters. They amaze me every day. Remembering one year ago, and now watching Evan one year later...I am amazed. And thankful. And so very proud to be called Evan's mommy.

1 comment:

  1. Oh dear friend...I was holding you so close to my heart on Saturday!!! I know it was such a roller coaster of emotions and I am so awed at your grace and heart I see in your posts.

    Evan looks like he had a great time, (though I admit, as a junk food junkie, when I read ZUCCHINI cake, I thought, "Well no wonder he didn't like it! :)

    My heart goes out to you and I pray for your contiued peace and healing.
    Much, much love!