I am still confident of this:
I will see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living.
Wait for the Lord;
be strong and take heart
and wait for the Lord
Psalm 27: 13-14

Monday, May 3, 2010

Eye opening...

So yesterday we had an open house and some showings afterwards, so Evan and I packed up and took over my parents house while they were at church and a function afterwards. When they got home they were telling me how the Watoto Childrens Choir were going to be singing at the church that evening. I haven't been to church with Evan since Christmas. The biggest reason...RSV season was in full force, so I had to keep Evan from large crowds in order to reduce the risk of infection. So it was something I was fine to do. But I KNOW how much Evan LOVES music, and I figured I would take him and see what he would think. And guess what...HE LOVED IT!!!!!!! Even at his young age...he was mesmerized by the children singing and dancing...and then the drums!!!! LOOK OUT!! He was clapping along and bouncing and humming!! It seriously brought tears to my eyes. Now, you need to understand something. These aren't just happy go lucky run of the mill children. These are children whose lives were devastated by the deaths of parents due to AIDS and some from war. Children who were left abandoned on the streets as infants, babies who were left in outdoor toilets from scared teen mothers, others whose older siblings were too afraid of how to raise their young siblings. These children are from Uganda. Looking at them...you would NOT know the devastation they have been through. Their eyes are as bright as the sun! Their smiles are as broad as a rainbow. Their joy is infectious and...their love for GOD is unquestionable. Why? Because a couple (the Skinner's) decided to follow God's instruction and care for the widow, and the orphan. I won't go in to the whole story. I urge you to check out their website at http://www.watoto.com But a few of the children shared their stories. Shared how their parents passed away, and that they were left alone. But then spoke of the joy as they went to the Watoto village to meet their new family, and the hope, love and joy they were given through this. I watched these little children, and seeing how their innocence was robbed by the death of their parents, and how quickly they had to "grow up" before being "rescued"...I felt convicted. I felt something I haven't felt in a long time...hope that I could find that same renewal of hope and love for a God that I have blamed for so much in the past 13+ months. I sat there with tears running down my face as I held Evan, and thought of my Zac. Still feeling so angry and cheated by the passing of my son. But also wanting to feel hopeful again. To feel that even through the death of my son and the loss of our first twins Ethan and Jack...that maybe there is still hope for the future. But I realize that it can't continue to be on MY terms. And that it can't just be about what I DREAM for. YES, I want a living sibling for my son. YES, I want to experience pregnancy again. YES, I dream of a safe, full term pregnancy with a normal birth experience and then being able to take our child home a few days later. YES, I want my heart to heal. YES, I want to stop feeling jealous and angry and hurt by every other blessing of others multiples. But guess what...just because that is what I'm praying for and asking for doesn't mean that is what I'm going to get. I hate now looking back and seeing how I used bible verses to feed me what I wanted to hear...not necessarily what it was saying in full context. "Faith as small as a mustard seed..." "Ask and ye shall receive..." We read things how we want to see them when we need to see it. It might not be exactly what God was trying to tell us. But I guess that is what helps us through our times of need. NOT to say that God's word isn't truth. NOT to say that I don't believe what He says through His word. NOT to say that these miraculous miracles did not happen and could not happen. Just...sometimes I read something and don't pay attention to the WHOLE context because I'm pulling what I need to help me through a certain moment. Now I look at it as...ok, I can ask. And that is what God wants. He wants me to be able to come to him and ask. To be vulnerable in that sense to trust him with my requests. BUT...does it mean that I'm going to get what I want?? I wish. If that were true...we would be preparing our first twins 2nd birthday next month. If that were true...Zac would be napping in the same room as his brother right now. If that were true, my house would have my two sets of twins in it right now. HOWEVER...I can not say that prayers don't get answered. I can not say that faith does not exist and miracles don't happen. All I have to do is open the door to my sons room and watch his little chest rise and fall as he sleeps. God answered our prayers for Evan. God allowed a miracle through Evan. God answered our prayers by allowing me to experience pregnancy for a short time in 2007 with Jack and Ethan. God granted the miracle of a pregnancy that ended far too soon. God answered once again our prayers by allowing me to experience ANOTHER twin pregnancy in 2008 with Zac and Evan. God granted the miracle of a pregnancy that again, ended far tooooo soon, but at least this time I got to watch my belly move as the boys kicked and squirmed. I got to watch my body change each day. I got to hear my sons heart beats. I got to look at their eyes, I got to know BOTH of my sons. And the time I was granted with Zac before him leaving us...that was an answer to prayer and a miracle. Although far too short and bittersweet for me. Every day is an answer to prayer as I watch Evan grow and am granted to honor of being his mommy. Every day is a miracle with him. I will never forget how fast things could have changed for him...but he lives. And for that...my prayer was answered, and my miracle granted. We don't always get what we hope and pray for. Why? I don't know. I know there is always the standard "because we live in a fallen world broken by sin", and yes, I agree with that. But it doesn't make the hurting any less. It doesn't mean that we are okay with the prayers that go unanswered in the way WE want. But, whatever the reasons, there is much to be greatful for...no matter how painful the journey. I watched these children and watched the their joy and love flowing from their eyes and their voices and in their dance...and it opened my eyes a bit more. We will all hurt and suffer in some form. But it was good to be reminded, by young children none the less, that there is "bright hope for tomorrow". God does answer prayer. He carries us through each day. BUT, he is not a wish-giver. He is not just there to answer our desires the way we want them. Sometimes the answer we get is something we will never understand...but I truly do NOT believe it is because God wants to hurt us or break us or bend us to His feet. No, I don't believe that at all. Sometimes life happens...and in the hurt there truly is hope. I guess there are days where I feel like a child angry at her parent for not buying her a certain toy or giving her the pony she wanted. But just as my earthly parents...God loves me through the good and bad, and will not turn his back on me just because I'm throwing a fit. He waits, and loves and welcomes me back with open arms. He did not promise and easy life. He did not say I'd make it through life unmarked and unwounded. Nope...just that He will be there with me each step of the way. Today He holds my sons. All of them. Today my children are loved, even though it is not in MY arms that they are being loved. Today I look at Evan and say "Thank you God...for answered prayer."

1 comment:

  1. Beautiful Heather--Crying with you!