I am still confident of this:
I will see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living.
Wait for the Lord;
be strong and take heart
and wait for the Lord
Psalm 27: 13-14

Friday, May 14, 2010

Mother's Day 2010

My first Mother's Day with Evan last year in NICU
A visit with Zac on Mother's Day
Mother's Day snuggles with my Evan after a messy supper :)
A very different Mother's Day with Evan after last year in NICU!
I never did post about my Mother's Day this year.
Last year it was spent in NICU with Evan. Not the way I dreamed about it when I learned I was pregnant with twins again. None of it was the way I dreamed. I certainly didn't dream that I would be spending the last two Mother's Day without both my children...well, ALL my children.
But how truly blessed I was...AM...to have had these two Mother's Day with my sweet sweet Evan.
The morning began as the usual routine. Get up, snuggle with Evan, feed him breakfast, get him sorted out and myself.
I had mentioned to my husband the night before that I wanted to go to the cemetery in the morning...alone...to spend some time "with" Zac. How could I make it through Mother's Day without at least sharing a part of the day with my son?!
So, after Evan and Brett were all sorted out, I was off for my visit. And as I drove in to the cemetery I was blown away by the cars and people. And it hit me...this isn't just a day for me to visit my son...it's a day where so many are visiting their mothers!! This isn't just a place where my child has been laid to rest...it's where many people who have been loved, and are missed, are laid to rest. I was touched by the number of people out on this day paying respects to loved mothers, grandmothers, aunts, sisters...
And it made me sad, too.
Usually when I go to the cemetery it is quiet and no one is around...but that day was a reminder to me that there are many people who hurt for a loved one passed from this earth.
I sat by Zac's grave side. I placed a new item at his name marker. I wrote my usual note to my son. I whispered words of love. I longed to have him in my arms this Mother's Day.
Does it ever start to feel real? Does it ever finally set in that my son will never be in my arms on this earth? Will it ever stop hurting so much that I will never see both my boys outside of me side by side on this earth?
I don't know. I don't see how it would.
I didn't stay too long. We had a brunch to be at over at my parents, so off I went after blowing all my babies kisses to heaven and wishing them all a precious day.
When I got home, I hugged my Evan. I kissed my Evan. I breathed in my Evan. I just didn't want to let him go. And I soaked in all the cuddles I received back from those precious little arms. I remembered the tiny itty bitty baby boy one year ago and our day together in NICU. And I wanted this Mother's Day to hold new precious memories for us. And it did.
We got to my parents for brunch...and the whole time it took every ounce of my being not to fall apart as I watched my son racing around after his cousins and seeing everyone with their children. But for me...I also saw an emptiness. Yes...only to me. Yes...of course I would, and always will. I smiled true blue smiles watching Evan having such a fun time with his cousins, and watching how he interacted...and blown away by how far he has come. I felt so blessed to be witnessing this. I felt honored to be a recognized mommy. Yet...I felt that piece of incomplete. It has nothing to do with Evan or Brett and my undying love for them...it has to do with the truth that 3 of my children are not here...yet, they were physically a part of me. So of course I feel that sense of "incomplete". I also felt unabiding joy and pride and gratitude and love and "WOW". You see...both ends of the spectrum go hand in hand for me. It's my reality.
I'm not "stuck". I'm not becoming what I am focusing on. I am a mother who lives two very separate, yet connected realities. I have love...but I have sorrow. I have joy...but I have sadness. I have smiles...yet I have tears. They are a both of who I am because that is what life has given me. And I am doing my very best with it.
I will not allow my sadness, my sorrow, my tears to overshadow Evan and his life and my love and joy and smiles for him.
But how can a mother who has held her dying child NOT be changed by that experience. That's what I'd like to know.
I am looking forward. I am trying to find renewed hope and faith in the future of our dreams. I know (boy do I know) that the reality is there will be more heart ache. It's hard to have that hope and faith when you have the reality of what could be. But I am TRYING! I WANT to have those back in my life.
Again, don't get me wrong...Evan has restored so much hope and faith. Good grief...how could I not have it when I look my son in the eyes and see the smile on his face when he sees me!? I melt over and over again.
OK...got away there.
So as the day carried on, I felt happy and honored to be a part of this day...OUTSIDE of the NICU and WITH my son in my arms. It was precious...it was a new memory.
Later that evening we went to Brett's sisters for supper, and that was a fun time too! Again, Evan had a riot with his older cousins. He loves being with kids. And it was special to spend time with Brett's family as well.
But the day was precious to me. The day was beautiful. Yes, it was my third Mother's Day without Jack and Ethan, and my second without Zac...but it was my second WITH Evan...and my second as a recognized mommy. And it was special. And my heart overflowed. And felt that little bit more restored.
I am blessed to hold my child. I am honored to hold the title mommy. I am mush because of the love I see in my sons eyes for me. It has been a loooooooong road, and even when Evan came home...it was scary. Even in those early months home...I feared everything. And I feared that I would never be "fixed" enough for Evan.
But you know what...I am! My love for him grows every minute of every day. Every breath I take, every beat of my heart...I ooze love and joy for my son.
Yes, I miss Zac with those same breaths and heart beats...but I can't, nor will I, ever let that take away from my love for Evan. Evan doesn't deserve that...and I could never do that to him. Evan is his own person. Yes, he is one of a set...but he is his own person. And I can't put my sorrow and missing Zac on Evan. That is something I have had to learn to do...and still do.
I don't EVER want to hear Evan ask "would you have wished Zac instead of me?" Wow...even writing that makes tears flow...because I could never, and would never pick between my sons.
Both of my sons are with me always in different ways. Life threw us heart ache...life made us face something we never thought possible...but life can't take me down, and won't pull me away from my Evan and my Brett. I know it's what the enemy wants...but it won't happen. My love for my family...on earth and in heaven...will keep me strong and focused.
Sure, there will always be days of tears and fist shaking at God...but I will also raise hands of thanks and a humble attitude of praise for the blessings I have been given.
I may have one son on earth...but I have an overflowing house full in heaven!
And right now...my Evan...you have my heart! You have my love. You have my pride, my joy...me wrapped around your little pinky! Our journey continues...and it will continue with an ever growing love and a bond no one will break! Thank you for a precious Mother's Day!!!
I love you!!!

1 comment:

  1. Oh sweet friend--there could never be another day that wouldn't be bittersweet--loving your precious son on earth and missing desperately your sons in Heaven. It's finding a place that surpasses all understanding that allows you to so beautifully and eloquently relay that--and that place is snugly in God's hands! So much love for you friend!