The storm clouds outside my house this afternoon.
Some days I don't know what to say. Some days I feel like I repeat my emotions and feelings over and over again. Some days I wonder who cares. Some days I wonder if I'll ever be 100% okay with things around me. Some days I wonder about many many things.
Today is one of those days.
I'm sitting on my front step watching storm clouds rolling in, and can hear the faint roll of thunder. And some days...that is how I feel. Watching things hitting me and hearing the beating of emotions creeping up on me.
The only difference is that I LIKE thunder storms, lightening, rainy days. I really do. I'm one who would LOVE to go on a day of storm chasing with the professionals!
So why can't I appreciate the storms that hit me in life? Ummmm...maybe because I've never been struck by lightening or caught in a tornado, so I have NO IDEA what that would be like...yet...I know how painful the life storms can be...and are.
Ya sure, they help us become who we are. Ya sure, we have the choice on how we are going to react and survive the life storm. But what happens when one is so tired they just don't know how they could face another one?
Yet...like last night...once in a while...the storm creates the most beautiful after-effect...a gorgeous rainbow. To which we look to as a rememberance of God's promises to us.
Some times it's hard to remember the rainbows! Until we see them.
And last night, in the sky...there were two. And it was just what I needed to see. I needed a double-reminder of God's promises.
Not promises that I won't ever hurt, or that life is only going to be easy from this point on...but that He will always be here to hold me up when I do not have the strength.
I miss my Zac. I miss everything that we lost. Yet, I love every second with my sweet Evan. Through the storm of losing Zac...my rainbow shone...my Evan.
Yesterday while I was giving Evan a bottle, a baby chickadee flew in to my front window and fell in to a bush of mine that is covered in thorns. Beautiful shrub when in bloom...but also very painful when poked by the thorns! This poor little thing was so stunned and right in the heart of the thorns. So I got Evan to watch me out the front window while I went out to try help this poor little bird. I carefully pulled back one of the main branches and was able to stick my finger under the little birds tummy and it just climbed right on to the palm of my hand and just sat there. I just prayed that this little thing wouldn't die in my hands...I don't think I could have handled that.
Then I heard Evan banging on the front door and yelling "mamma", so I tucked the little bird in to the fold of my tshirt and opened the door so Evan could climb out on to the front landing. I wondered what I was going to do with this little thing, and wondered where its mamma was. But fortunately this sweet little birdie flew in to one of my cedars and sat perched until it had regained its courage to fly off.
Sometimes that's how I feel. And after I've colided in to the reality of my waves of struggles I sit there stunned and winded waiting to gain my courage to collect myself up and carry on.
It reminded me of something that happened a few years ago. It was an early summer morning and the dogs were outside and we were hanging out and all the sudden I could hear this horrid comotion going on. I ran to the window and noticed my dogs looking at something on the ground with two VERY ANGRY robins bomb-diving them. And then I knew. These poor robins were watching their little baby robin dying on the ground. I don't think my dogs did it...but obviously this poor little thing either fell from a nest, or had a flying lesson that ended very badly.
But watching the mommy and daddy robin attacking my dogs and watching how frantic they were...I burst in to tears. This was the summer after we lost our first twins, Jack and Ethan. So listening to these parent robins, and watching how they were trying to protect their little baby...it broke my heart to the very core. It was how I felt inside after losing my babies...and thinking back to that day...it's how I felt inside when I knew I was going to lose Zac. Frantic. Wanting to bomb-dive anyone in my way. Screeching my pain.
I remember thinking how I couldn't just leave this little bird on my lawn, and I also knew I had to "save" my dogs as they were frozen in their tracks from fear of the parent robins. But I knew they would try to attack me too, sooooo, I tracked down Brett's oversided golf umbrella and off I went to brave the attacks. And my heart broke as I held this little robin. I didn't know what to do or where to put it...but I knew I couldn't just leave it there of the parent robins would not stop their attacks. So I wrapped it up and put it in the garbage bin. It made me so sad to do that. I wanted to put it somewhere so it's mommy and daddy could be with it until they were ready to leave.
It blew my mind to watch birds react in such a human pain way. To see that it's not just humans who react to death like this.
So, the weather got really nasty outside just now. I went and stood in my front lawn and watched the crazy clouds flying around. And then it got a "tad" windy...so I thought I better be a bit safe and watch from my front door...where there was a handle to hold on to!
I get such a kick out of weather like this.
And the thunder was rolling non-stop. I'm glad that Evan managed to sleep through the rumbling.
Yesterday it was thundering for a while too, and he wasn't too sure about it. He'd come racing to me and cling to my leg. So I kept saying to him "that's just Zac banging on his drums for you in heaven! Like how you bang on mommies pots! He's just playing you some music!"
Well, like the post title says...this one is just babble. Nothing really specific.
I guess, through all the storms that life has pounded me with...I am greatful for my rainbows!