I am still confident of this:
I will see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living.
Wait for the Lord;
be strong and take heart
and wait for the Lord
Psalm 27: 13-14

Saturday, May 8, 2010

Mother's Day tomorrow...

Well, on the 7th of May last year we were frustrated because Evan's surgery for his hernia repairs was cancelled. He was already back in an isolette with an IV run, hadn't eaten since 5:30am, all his wires were back on...they were ready, we came in early to sign the papers and WHAMMY...cancelled. I burst in to tears with frustration and an overwhelming, overgrowing feeling of EVERYTHING. I understood why they cancelled, but when we found out days later that there was actually no concern with Evan's blood work and we COULD have proceeded, it just compounded everything. It meant a possible set back in Evan's release, and we would have to face more time in the hospital. And I was just really at my breaking point. The only thing holding Evan from being released was this surgery. And the never ending question at this point...when would Evan come home? Looking back in my journal to Evan the end of the entry said "This is what I mean buddy. Life is so full of questions and disappointments. Mommy needs you to learn to be optomistic by example, but it's okay to be frustrated and have questions. But we have to move beyond that and keep being positive and hopeful. We can't stay stuck in the frustrations. No matter how hard it may be." Hmmm, I needed to read that and have that reminder for myself! Tomorrow marks our third Mother's Day without our first identical twins, and our second Mother's Day without Zac. It also marks my second Mother's Day WITH Evan!! Again, bitter sweet. Yet, however sad I feel in missing our three children in heaven, I am brought to my knees in tears of gratitude and blessing for Evan. I am honored to share this day with him. And even though parts of my heart ache beyond comprehension...a huge part of my heart overflows with pride and love. Not only for Evan, but for all my babies. Even though my Jack, Ethan and Zac do not get to call me mommy here on earth...one day they will. And even though I don't get to watch them growing and learning and being mischievous boys here on earth, I pray that's how they will be in heaven! I think back to last year with Evan. We spent Mother's Day in the hospital snuggling, cuddling, feeding, reading books and sharing our first Mother's Day together. In the hospital. Not the most ideal setting, and not what many lucky mothers get to experience. BUT the fact remains that I held Evan in my arms. That he was HERE. That for the first time ever I was being recognized as a MOTHER. After we lost our first twins...that didn't happen. And for many who lose their child/ren...we are left in this abyss of darkness because although we didn't get the good fortune to bring our children home...it didn't mean we were no longer mothers. We were just now faced with waiting for eternity to see, meet and hold our child/ren. I feel blessed beyond measure to be the mother of 4 precious children...3 in heaven, one on earth. I AM blessed beyond measure to have Evan with me. Oh how this little boy is changing me every day. He is filling my heart beyond what I ever thought imaginable. For almost 10 years I wondered if I would EVER hear a child call me "mamma"...and now I get that honor. It did not happen without years of tears, pain, procedures, wonder, confusion, sadness, shattered hopes...but it did indeed come. And every step of the way was painful, but hopeful. And now I watch my son. Every day learning, growing, figuring things out, laughing, loving, throwing temper tantrums (and even then I fall more in love with him as I try to hide my laughter!!). But tomorrow brings confused feelings too. How can I lie and say that it wouldn't? My Zac is not here. My son is not celebrating the day with us. And that will always hurt. I'm human. How would it not hurt?! Tomorrow I will kiss my son. Tomorrow I will start a new day together with Brett and Evan. And tomorrow I will blow a kiss to heaven for my babies who I allow myself to believe in my mind are looking down and blowing a kiss back at me. But tomorrow...remember that there are women...MOTHERS all around you who have empty arms and broken hearts and lost dreams with their child/ren. Remember them as you gush "Happy Mother's Day" to those with children in your arms. Remember that not everyone gets the perfect ending. Be considerate. Yes, celebrate those mommies around you...but remember that there may be an angel mommy on the other side of you who is dying a little more inside on this day. I ALWAYS hated going to church on Mothers Day as we struggled through each year of our unexplained infertility. Watching all the moms being asked to go to the front of the church and sing a song and then the congregation to clap in honor of them. I HATED knowing that every year with another negative pregnancy test and no more answers from doctors other than "we just don't know why...you are prefect on paper!", I was going to face this service and my heart was going to be crushed in ways most never have to endure. And then after we lost Ethan and Jack, I have NO IDEA what I was thinking in going to church that first Mother's Day. Was I insane????? Here I was...A MOTHER...without her sons. Sitting in a pew, crying my eyes out as I mourned the loss of my children and the loss of my identity as a mother. I did not matter to this service. To those around me...I wasn't a mother because I did not hold my children. As all these moms got to go up front...I sad there sobbing because of the pain of the loss of my children. I'm sure others up there had experienced a loss somewhere along the line too, but for me...that particular Mother's Day tore out my soul. Granted, I KNOW these services are meant to hurt anyone...but I don't think most realize how painful Mothers Day and Fathers Day is to so many. For those of us longing, hurting, aching...to have to sit there in the pew because we don't get the priviledge of walking up to the front because we don't hold the title Mother or Father...it hurts. It's not like anyone is purposefully out to "get us" who have lost children, or who are not able to conceive. I just wish there was a way to include those of us who have lost children too, or have never been able to reach the dream of pregnancy. I guess after all I've been through I just get really sensitive about lots that most wouldn't even think twice about. And like I say, no one does it to be hurtful...but none the less...it stings like crazy! So needless to say, even though I hold Evan in my arms...I won't be attending tomorrow's service. I am just not emotionally ready, and find it really hard because Zac will not be on my other hip...and my almost-two-year-olds, Jack and Ethan, will not be pulling on my leg or yelling my name. For those of you with children in your arms...I wish you a happy Mother's Day. For those of you with the lost dream of pregnancy...I pray for your aching heart and continued desires for a child. For those of you who have lost a child through miscarriage, still birth, infant death...I want to acknowledge that YOU ARE A BEAUTIFUL MOTHER!!!! Others around you may not know it...but we know the children we hold in our hearts and the children we will one day meet in heaven. I pray for the tears that fall on such days as these (not like they don't fall any other day, but you know what I mean). I pray for the ache you feel as you think about how this day SHOULD have been (I do too!). I pray as we each try to figure out life from here on without our children. I pray for love and peace to overflow you today from those who know and love you. I pray for each of you now. And wish you all a precious day.


  1. Thinking of you and all your boys tomorrow!! Lots and lots of love, dear friend!

  2. Well said, you are an amazing writer! Thinking of you tomorrow.