Thursday, May 13, 2010
The sale is finalized...the move proceeds!
Wow, on Tuesday the sale of our house became final. And I don't feel anything about it to be honest. Not "excited", not "giddy"...pretty much just feel like I'm going through the motions. Other than the fact I will miss my neighborhood...but whatever...I'll get over it. However...part of me DOES feel odd. Feels like I'm leaving the only home I ever knew Zac. The only place that holds the memories of everything we've been through in the past 10 years with infertility, treatments, IVF, pregnancies, losses...and the sweet sweet blessing of our boys and then bringing Evan home! I feel like leaving here means leaving Zac behind one final time. Ya, lots of people won't "get" that, and will tell me his memory is with me always...and it's very true...he is ALWAYS with me...but...that's just how I'm feeling about it. It's hard to hear "fresh start" or "new beginning"...because it just feels like those concepts disclude my son. Because other than the pictures I will put out of both my boys...this new home will have never "known" him. And I don't WANT to "leave" him "behind". Even though he is already gone. Ugh...how to explain without having people look at me funny or think negative things about me or try to tell me what to do. Sooo, I'll just leave it at this...these are just my feelings. However, when we are over at the new house, I can feel glimmers of hope again. Even though when I look out my kitchen window or bedroom window and see the treeline of the cemetery Zac is at...I want to feel hope. I know I've said this before, but seeing that treeline is oddly..."comforting". Except for when houses start to develop out there...then that treeline will be out of my view. And that makes me feel...sad almost. But who knows when that will happen, so lets not dwell on that. Evan is absolutely enamoured by the realization that we have a ceiling fan in our bonus room!! Whenever we are over there he heads STRAIGHT for the stairs to go up and watch the fan. AND he will take the controller, point it to the fan and start pushing buttons! He is quite the little "monkey see, monkey do"!! He has figured out the TV remote as well. OH BOY...at 1 year of age! But he loves buttons and feeling like he is in control. Oh gee...wonder where he gets THAT from (trying to be in control I mean!). The move will be a new beginning. As much as that term sits strangely with me...it's reality. It's all NEW! And each time I am walking through the rooms of the house I am sobbing out to God and begging him for precious new memories...and maybe a little less painful ones this time. I am begging him to help me find restored hope. Begging him for renewed faith. Begging him for the chance to watch Evan become a big brother. While memories in our current house held sweet moments...they also held soooooo many agonizingly painful ones. And in that respect I am relieved to leave here. Every time I step in to our bathroom...I am shot right back to January 30/10...the day I ruptured. When I look at the floor...I see the fluid pooling around my feet. I've wanted MANY times to rip up all the slate on our floor and put something different there. So yes, there are some memories I hope to be able to keep...yet tuck away in a more pain-less place. On the up side...I am PUMPED for my new kitchen!!! I actually have COUNTER TOP SPACE!!!! I can actually do my christmas baking and not have to use my kitchen table or any flat surface I can muster up!!! I have a pantry where items will no longer come crashing down on my head!!! I have linen closets that actually HOLD linen!! We hope to be completely out of our current house by the end of the month. If our deck was finished and the dog run up...we would move sooner. BUT, we are waiting for our stairs and the guys to lay the duradeck stuff. I also have to rig up the dog run. My poor dogs are NOT going to know what hit them!! They are used to free run of our big back yard now...and the new place will not HAVE a yard for....ooooooh, a while! Look out mom and dad...we will be overtaking your backyard many days this summer!! So I had talked about "the" playground by our current house in a previous post and how it has two of everything and how each time Brett and I took the dogs for a walk we'd go through there and I would picture our boys playing together...and how it just seems so wierd to me now. ANYHOW...yesterday was sooooo nice so Evan and I went on a FEW walks, but before supper I took him for a walk and we went to the park again. And this time...it didn't hurt so much. Once I scoured down the swing with my disinfecting wipes I popped Evan in, and we just giggled and laughed together. He had so much fun. And it did my heart GOOD. I took a zillion pictures of him on my phone and he would point up to the sky...and I would say "yup, Zac is watching you and giggling with you!" No tears...just fact. Well, I don't know if it's fact if Zac can actually look down on us...but that's my nice thought. And it's a nice way for me to share him with Evan. Then some lady who was walking round and round the park came and just stood and chatted with Evan and just stood there. It kinda bugged me. At one point a silly thought went through my head and I thought "is she going to crack me over the head and take my son??" Ya...I know...totally out to lunch! But seriously...it just started to get...wierd. She was nice enough, and didn't speak great english...but THEN the infertile/mommy-lost Heather kicked in...and I wondered "does she have children of her own? Has she struggled? Has she suffered loss? Is this letting her feel some happiness?" So it didn't bug me any more, and I was able to push aside the silly sadistic thought of her stealing my son. I don't know what her situation is/was. Maybe nothing at all. Maybe just being a person enjoying watching the innocence of a child exploring life. You never know. You never know about another person. You can't make judgements on them based on your own life and situations. Sometimes it can be too easy to "preach" to another person about how to heal or what to do...although never knowing the reality of that persons experience. Why not just encourage and love. Why not just be there for that person. Someone wrote something in general to no one in particular on facebook once and it sat really painfully with me. What was written was true...yet without a persons knowledge of the extent of lifes pains...I thought "how easy to write this when there is no understanding of the other side of things". But again...the basis of what was written is true...but the reality of life...I don't know...I just felt really strange and really torn. And it just felt like a jab to me for some reason. I don't know why. Maybe because of the painful truth. Maybe because it made me so very sad that it's so easy for others to say things because me looking in at their lives...everything seems perfect...so of course it's "easy". But...I of all people should know better...you can never tell what goes on in someone elses life. What may appear perfect and easy...may not be that way at all. OOOOR...it could be! Who knows! Anyhow, just rambling there. So, the past couple days Evan and I have both been coughing. It's really scary for me to listen to Evan cough. In all other ways he is doing awesome, and he doesn't have a runny nose or anything. But I've had a heavy chest the last while, and have been trying to avoid kisses with Evan or any close face to face proximities...but it's very hard to avoid it at all times. I know RSV high risk season is done, but there is ALWAYS a risk throughout the year. I don't know if it's a cold or what with Evan. I'm praying not, because like I say...a simple cold terrifies me because it could quickly and easily turn in to something so much more. So if you could please say a prayer of health and protection for Evan. I just don't want to see him sick. Well, I have about 2 weeks before we need to be out of our house. I wish our deck was done so that we could just move already. Yet...I've been LOVING all the walks I've been able to take Evan on in our beautiful neighborhood, and to the little park around the corner from our house. I almost feel like I'm in "stunned" mode right now and paralyzed and not sure what to do or what to pack or what to take to the new house. It's crazy! But...I should actually get my butt in gear!! Packing up this house, and packing up memories...it all seems overwhelming. BUT, I will look forward to new beginnings, new hopes, new dreams, new realities...whether they be bitter or sweet. Well, I better sign off and get busy here. Much to do in a short period of time.