Evan's Dedication

Evan with Pastor Shawn at dedication

From left to right. Mason (my younger brothers son), Finley (my older brothers son) and Evan all hanging out on Grandma's bed!

Brett and Evan with my younger brother Scott and his son Mason

Evan and Mason having a great old time pulling grandma's hair!! Everyone loves to tug the black hair!!

Evan with his cousin Mason hanging on grandma's bed.

So today was Evan's first official appearance at church for his dedication! While I was getting ready this morning I felt sick to my stomach. I thought it was strange. I was happy to be going to church finally after how long! BUT, I was so nervous about people touching Evan's hands. So to bypass some of that concern I found a pair of Evan's old scratch mitties and stuck those on his hands. Evan did really good. He loved the praise and worship part of the service. I always played music for the boys, right from the day I sat in the recliner after our IVF transfer when the boys got to come "home" to mommy's tummy! Every day I would put my ear phones on my tummy and play them praise and worship music.

ANYHOW, the service was right at Evan's morning nap time so I knew it was going to be a toss up as to how Evan would handle the new scenery and noise. But, as we sang he fell asleep in my arms.

Pastor Shawn called us up and as I passed Evan to Shawn he woke up to meet the congregation.

It was very special for us to have Shawn do this dedication. Pastor Shawn did Zac's funeral, so it was a full-circle moment for us all. Thank you, Shawn, for the way you incorporated Zac in this special day!! That meant the world to us as our hearts ached while we stood there so proud of Evan, yet missing our little Zac.

Today was a very special day. We got the dedication on our camcorder, but I've yet to figure out how to dowload to my computer. But I see there is an option to add a video on here, so as soon as I figure it out, I will upload to share with everyone.

We didn't get many actual pictures of the service, but the one I've included was Evan with Pastor Shawn meeting everyone.

Please continue to pray for Evan, and for Brett and I. Please pray for me as flu/cold/RSV season approaches. I find that my nerves are on edge because this is Evan's first season, and I'm TERRIFIED of him getting ill. RSV is a huge thing for preemies, and is something that is VERY easy to contract, so hand-washing around Evan is a must must must. I've seen enough of the inside of a hospital to last me 10 lifetimes. I really don't want Evan to end up there again. That is my worst fear this season! And because of Evan's compromised immune system, the trick is keeping him healthy! But I know I also need to take charge of my fears and not let them run me down and to the ground!

Evan has a busy next few days. Tomorrow he goes for his monthly assessment with his physiotherapist and occupational therapist. Those are always fun, especially hearing how well he is doing!! Then on Tuesday Evan has his 6 month (3 month corrected) check up with my Doctor. I always like seeing where he falls on the charts. So far when we use his birth age he doesn't even end up on the charts, but when we use his corrected age (which is how he is gauged) he is always in the normal ranges. THEN on Wednesday Evan has his NICU follow up with one of his neonatologist, plus sees his dietician and then has his hearing test. We'll head up to the NICU for our visit with the nurses too. I'm looking forward to seeing them!

OOOHHHH, here is a plug for a store in Saskatoon. My brother and his wife called me on Friday to tell me about a big sale at this store called Toon Trendz in Willowgrove. It's a lot of name brand clothes for kids, but AWESOME stuff. ANYWAY, of course I hear "big sale" and I'm all over it. I had wanted to find Evan a special, yet FUNKY outfit for his dedication. So off we went. Turns out that the lady who owns the store was one of Evan's NICU nurses!!!!!!!!!! We got a chance to have a visit with Michelle, so that was GREAT! Anyhow, if you are looking for really nice stuff, check out the store. It's just kitty-corner to the Liquor board store in Willowgrove, right beside Booster Juice.

Well, I suppose I should get going. Evan has been having his pre-nighttime sleep and will be getting ready for his 2nd supplemented feed of the day. He is still on 2 supplemented bottle feeds a day. As of Friday Evan was weighing 13lbs 7.3ounces!!!! He's getting heavy!! What a difference from 2lbs 9ounces!!

Couple pictures and "announcement"

This was from this morning after Evan had "breakfast". He was covered in spit up...but LOVING being a big boy in his bumbo chair!! What GREAT inventions!!!! Thank you again to Evan's great auntie Mayreen!!

Evan LOVES this twisty toy!! Now that he has figured out he can grab and HOLD ON TO toys he is all over this one!!! It's chewy and he constantly has it in his mouth! It's hilarious because he has yet to figure out hand/arm control so the toy is often smacking in to his face!

Brett LOVES this onesie! Good call Auntie Kyra and Uncle Scott!! I can see that as he outgrows this one I will be having to buy the next size up!! Oh boy!!

Well, I just loved these pictures so I thought while Evan finishes up his morning sleep I'd take some time to upload.

I'm going to attempt for the first time to take my dogs with me and Evan on our morning walk. I haven't done that on my own yet as my dogs can sometimes become "distracted"...so I'm praying there will be no other dogs, or cats on our walk! hee hee hee. I'm sure it will be fine. OR it will be a short walk. I feel so bad for my dogs though because they watch through the front window as Evan and I head out. I don't want them to start getting resentful, so time to get them sorted out WITH me and Evan on our walks. PLUS I have to take advantage of what's left of the nice weather. My dogs are boxers...short hair dogs. They do not deal well with cold weather so they are usually house bound for the most part during the winter. They love their fleece jackets, but won't wear the booties to protect their paws.

OH, as for the "announcement" part of my title to this blog. We are having Evan dedicated this Sunday at our church (Elim Tabernacle on 8th Street) at the 9:30am service. It is really nerve-wracking for me to take him in to a large crowd of people. For our own peace of minds we are making Evan wear a pair of his old scratch-mitties as the first thing people want to do is touch his hands and cheeks. I'm SUPER paranoid about this and don't want to constantly be saying "oh, please don't touch his hands". I'll also be carrying his wipes and hand sanitizer with me.

It's tough because we have to be SOOOOOOOOOOOOO careful...and even though Evan looks completely healthy (and IS), he still has a compromised immune system and the trick is KEEPING him healthy! So I have to protect him any way I can. We chose to dedicate him this month before cold/flu season really hits full force because at that point we will not be going to large crowed areas. But we are looking forward to his dedication!

Anyhow...the boss has awoken, so time to get going!

Long weekend fun

Evan blowing bubbles on the car ride! Too funny!! He is SSOOOOO in to copying what I do. Not that I was blowing bubbles drooling!!

Serious pose!

Generations. Great grandma, grandma, grandpa and Evan

Evan was sticking his fingers down his throat and gagging...it was obviously hilarious!!!

OK, another STAGED picture!!! Grandma was holding on tight. Although Evan would LOVE to be walking and moving around on his own!

On Sunday I took Evan and we went up to my grandma's with my parents. It was fun to get away and my grandma was so happy to have me and Evan there. Evan loves my grandma!! And he had such a great time with grandma and grandpa too!! Evan was introduced to the "thriving" metropolis of Preeceville! hee hee hee hee. I always have fun going out to spend time with my grandma. Yummy perogies!!! mmmm mmmm mmmmm!!!!! My grandma makes the BEST perogies!!!!!

Evan did great on the trip up and back, and while we were there. He met my aunt, uncle and cousins. It was a quick get a way, but nice.

One year ago today...our miracles

This is the first ever picture of Evan and Zac!! This was the day of our transfer...September 4, 2008. One year ago today!! I love you both my boys!!! I miss you oh so much my little Zac!

Even though I already knew I was pregnant (after my blood test) I just HAD to take a pregancy test at the request of one of my friends. And it was so fun to see what one of these tests looked like showing a POSITIVE for once!!! After 8 years of seeing nothing but negatives...this one was a blast!!

This was me right after our IVF transfer, September 4, 2008. Holding our first ever picture of our precious miracle boys!!!!

Well, it was one year ago today when our precious little miracles were transfered back to my womb. We prayed that at least one of these little ones would grab hold of me and continue to grow. After the loss of our first twins, this was a very emotional day and time. Then a few weeks later at our first ultra sound...there they were. Both our little boys grabbed and and continued to grow grow grow.

I was driving this morning to get a coffee, and the rememberance of the day just brought me to tears. I feel so blessed and humbled to have had the opportunity to go through IVF a second time to try once more for our hearts desire. I feel honored that I got to carry the boys as long as I did...even though 28 weeks was just not long enough. Even though Zac is missing from our lives, I am feeling honored that we were given what time we had with him. Angry still that he is not with us...but honored that we had our time together.

Anyhow, just wanted to remember today and share some special pictures. IVF is a gift to those of us who are given no other answers. I'm grateful to God for giving these medical people the knowledge and care to help in such a special area. I know there is controversy with IVF with some people...but to those of us who have no other option...how can you argue what a gift it is! I remember in the heart of our aching for a child and the process of IVF and loss of our first babes, I bumped in to an old school mate at my work place. Upon my answer of "no we don't have any children" I was faced with a comment of "OH, you are one of THOSE!" Never in my life have I felt more devastated by the careless, hurtful comment. Just because people don't have children, it doesn't mean that they aren't going through their own personal hell because of it. Some of us would do anything for a child, and yet we struggle. Not everyone can just sneeze and become pregnant! Some of us have to fight, and some of us will always live with holes in our hearts. I wish there was more sensitivity to the topic, and that the question of children would be one that would be erased.

To my friends who continue to the ache in longing for a child...I ache with with.

To my friends going through the process of treatments for a child...I hope with you.

To my friends now blessed with pregnancy through the gift of treatments...I rejoice with you.

To my friends who have experienced loss of a pregnancy and their child/ren, or the loss of a child...I weep with you.

Blessings to you all.

Bumbo boy and other pics

Evan's first attempt in his Bumbo chair from Great Aunty Mayreen!! LOVING IT!

Quite proud of himself in his big boy chair!!

Evan holding hands with his NICU sweetheart Marley. My oh my...how these little ones have grown!!

First time in the stroller without the car seat. He LOVED it!! Well...what he SAW of the world from under his ball cap!

In his Winnie the Pooh hoody from Grandma Johnson. LOVE the little ears!!! He is SOOO adorable in this!!

Well, today Evan gave me a full on laugh...and I started to cry. I LOVED it!!!! It was just the once as I think he shocked himself, but it was AWESOME!!!!!! It was the sweetest sound ever!!

He didn't have his usual afternoon sleep, so he has been asleep since 8:30 this evening after we took a short walk together after his feed. I love just carrying him bundled in my arms with his head resting on my chest taking in the fresh air. Now...I should be jumping in to bed too, but this is the only time I have to actually get stuff done!!

AAARRRGGGHHH...I hate my laptop some days!!!! I had typed a bunch of stuff and somehow deleted it!!!! GGGGGRRRRRRRRRRR.

On Aug 28th Evan turned 3mths (corrected) and on Sept 6th he will be 6mths old!! Our little guy is growing like a weed and getting long!! He has blown out of a bunch of his 0-3 month pj's and clothes and is in to his 3-6 month stuff. CRAZY!! But that's good! He is doing really well, and is my buddy for sure!!

He has been sleeping since 8:30pm as he didn't have his usual afternoon sleep. I SHOULD be jumping at the chance to go to bed too, but this is the only time I have to catch up on what I couldn't get done during the day. But this means he'll be up earlier to eat. Oh well...it's all good.

Anyhow, just wanted to share the pics. Enjoy!

Our first vacation, and update on Evan

Our family vacation at Waskesiu!!

OK...this was a totally staged picture for any who think I'd actually give my son ice cream already...HEE HEE HEE HEE. It was too perfect!!!! He was eyeing it up pretty good though! No chocolate mint chip ice cream for the little bean just yet!!

OK above is me in one of my new hats! Swinging on the swings with my mommy and daddy!! Next year I'll do it my self!

Well, we have officially made it through our first family vacation! We went up to Waskesiu on Wednesday and got back home yesterday. Evan was AWESOME on the ride up! Slept the whole way up! He was so good the whole time away too! What a great boy we have!! AND the second night we were there he slept through the WHOLE NIGHT for the first time ever! Went to sleep by 11pm and didn't wake up until 7am! But boy oh boy, when I woke up I FLEW over to his bed in fear that I'd find a still, blue faced baby. NOPE, happily sleeping away, with the odd stretch and fart! hee hee hee hee hee! I couldn't believe it!! Must have been the lake air! We had had a good walk together with him in the Baby Bjorn, so he got lots of fresh air! AND he slept through the following nights as well. I think we are starting the transition to MORE SLEEP! WOOO HOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!

We had a wonderful time with wonderful friends as well! Brett enjoyed his golfing with the guys. I must admit I was quite jealous as Brett and I have gone to Waskesiu for the past few years and just golfed. This year I wasn't able too. Oh well, Evan is a good reason not to be able to go. I enjoyed my girl time with Jami and Kardin. Evan loves little Kardin! She got the biggest smiles out of him!

Then on the way home Evan once again slept for pretty much the whole ride. We just stopped once in PA for a feeding.

It was nice to get away, but it is never long enough. Next year! And next year Evan can experience the lake water and sand!

Today Evan had his second meningitis shot. Poor little bean!!!! This time I made Brett come with us and he held Evan. And Evan has pretty much slept the whole afternoon! But before his shot we weighed him and he is now 12lbs 1.5ou!! The nurse was impressed with his weight gains and surprised that the NICU dietician said he'd be supplemented until a year. But to me, the supplemented feeds help with the weight gain! So it's all good with me.

Anyhow, I've added photos from our holiday. Of course they are in no specific order as I can't seem to master how to properly post them in order. But they serve their purpose regardless!

Enjoy!!

My babies "birthdays"

Well, on the 6th Evan turned 5 mths (just over 2 mths corrected)...and so did Zac. On the 9th Zac had his 5 mth "heaven birthday". Yesterday was really really hard for me. Every memory came flooding back, as did feelings of guilt. Why my body? Why did my body fail yet another baby? Why our baby? Why did he have to go through this, and why did he have to be taken away? I think of the morning we received the news of Zac's brain bleed going up to the NICU and talking to him and his eyes searching for us. I will never forget that...and as precious as it was...it haunts me. Knowing one moment our baby was alive and looking at us, and the next hour...he was gone. I hate it. I hate it so much. I hate that this happened. And I hate what our family of what was supposed to be four has gone through. I hate that Evan will not grow up with his brother. I've had many more better moments but still not a day without tears. The other day I went to Parable book store. It forced me to realize something. I realized just how angry I really am at God. Sorry if that doesn't sound "christianly"...but it's the raw truth. I hate the position I am in. I look at Evan and I see the power of prayer and God's answers. Then I think of Zac and wonder why prayer seemed to fail Zac, and why God needed Zac with Him and not us. I know that prayers were answered by me not going in to labour that 23rd week and the next 5 weeks...but I am SO angered by the whole circumstance. I'm sick and tired of going through grief, and wonder when a lesson will involve some joy instead of loss. I think things hit because on June 26th our first set of twins would have turned one year old...and no remembered. No one mentioned anything. I guess this was different because they were an earlier miscarriage...but still...I was a bit sad. Not that I expected people to remember. But, honestly...I'm terrified this will happen with Zac too. That no one will speak about him. I'm so angry/sad that we didn't let our immediate family come to the NICU in the first few days to meet Zac and see him so that he would be even more "real" to them and to connect with him. But at the time our focus was Zac and we didn't believe that our family would need to be coming to have him engraved in their memories and minds. But still...I wish more of our immediate family would have met him in person and in life. Yesterday we went to the cemetery and took Evan with us. We put two roses on Zac's gravesite. I talked to Evan and told him that this was where Zac's earthly body was, but that he is waiting for us in heaven. I told Evan that on their first birthday we will go to the cemetery and share a cupcake and blow kisses to Zac. I'm still bewildered every time I go to the cemetery trying to wrap my head around the reality of life. I don't know if this is all part of the grief process or what. I don't feel angry all the time, but the sad moments are still there...yet I can now hide them a bit better. Don't get me wrong...my days and minutes with our precious Evan are filled with such joy. I don't know how I could go on if something had happened to him. He brings such happiness and laughter. And the older he gets the funnier he becomes. He is so expressive, and so full of smiles and chatters. I bought a book while I was at Parable about a family who loses their son to cancer. I know that this must seem depressing and unwise...but I NEED to see how others manage, and how as parents you don't lose faith and hope in God. It will be a very difficult book to read...but as a parent who has lost a child, I think it might help. I hope that it will help to walk through anothers journey. Anyhow, I just needed to share that. At Evan's baby shower I received a particularly special card from a friend. Inside was a "poem" of sorts. I don't know if she wrote it herself or if it was from another place, but I wanted to share it with you all.

All of our babies are presents from God.

Presents that are merely on loan.

To us He's entrusted these most precious gifts

As if they were truly our own.

Some leases we hold on these bundles of love

Are for short term, but others for long.

But never at any time should we forget

To whom they all really belong.

God has in our care then allowed them to be

To nurture, to love, and to train.

To teach them of God's plan for living

Setting values for them to attain.

Life's great hourglass for us mortals can't pause

The sand never stops flowing through.

When the babies grow on and depart from the nest

We have done for them all we can do.

The time they are babies lasts only so long

They appear and then soon they are gone.

They, too, will get presents of God's very own

The continuous cycle moves on.

In time all these 'presents' to God will return

Be their span of life short or extended.

For their ultimate destiny lies solely with Him

It is all just as God has intended.

I try to focus on the fact that my boys were/are a gift. And we were granted precious moments with Zac before his destiny came to a close. I try to remember all the lives he has touched. And I pray that Zac will never be forgotten, and that people will still say his name.

Evan is a gift that we have been allowed to treasure here on earth. And I will never take that for granted!!

As frustrating as it is to be in this place of answered prayer and what feels like unanswered prayer...I will still fight to keep my relationship with God straight. No matter what...Zac is still with us and one day we will be together again. In the meantime I can be thankful that he is in the best care possible outside of our own. And I will do the very very very best that I can for Evan here on earth!!