Good byes are never an easy thing...

The word goodbye is just so final sounding.  Even to those who know eternity is just around the corner, and our once "goodbye" will change to eternity with the ones we have loved, the ones we have lost and the ones we never got to meet on this earth.

The last little while has been a growing time for me.  And a challenge.  Ending with another "goodbye for now".
I won't go in to personal details, but the past few days have really been a test for me. 

My relationship with God had become much stronger.  Through reading a WONDERFUL book (Psalm 91) I faced many areas in my life that I had become to complacent in with my relationship.  And realized that I was blaming God for so many things that I KNEW He wasn't just "doing" to me...and I knew it wasn't about Him causing me heartache just to turn back to Him. 
I turned back (not that I ever left my faith...let me just get that straight right off the bat.  I just got lazy!) to Him because I realize more than ever that it is in these times of sadness and heartbreak and goodbyes that I need Him all the more.  To carry my burdens.  And to realize that He holds the ones I long to see.

Life is full of tests.  Life is full of evil and sin and darkness.  But it is also full of grace, and love and opportunities to trust that God remains true to His word.  All He can do is extend His hand to us.  He will never force Himself on us.  And He does not create sadness "just because". 

I know when life is going good for me it is easy for me to stay in His word and belt out the praise and worship songs and prayers.  Yet, when life throws a curve ball...no matter how logically you knew odds to be in your situation...it's so easy to want to get angry and say "but I was trusting You!  I was being faithful!  I was being strong!" (insert feet pounding on the ground in temper tantrum style!)

Guess what...those are the times where we need to STAY trusting.  To STAY faithful.  To STAY strong.  No tantrum foot-stomping, no fist-in-the-air waving.  To STAY in His word.  To keep belting out those praise and worship songs.

Yes...the ache in my heart remains.  They feel like they keep adding up.  But by remaining focused on God's love and faithfulness and protection and promise to carry me through all things (if I let Him!!)...the ache stays at bay and doesn't turn to bitterness and accusations.

The enemy knows my weakness.  He knows where to beat me up when I fall down.  He knows that I find it very easy to blame myself for things that were never in my control.  He knows that I want to keep my guard up against hope when hope seems to fail.
But I realize this more and more.  I realize his ways.  I realize the horrid, awful thoughts that he whispers to me.  And even though it is easy for me to fall for them and believe them...I am believing more and more that my God loves me more than I know.  And more than I deserve.  And that He hurts when I hurt.  And all He wants to do is to be there for me.  But I have to be the one to let Him. 

I have a hard time admitting to people my true feelings.  For some reason I just plaster on this smile and ensure that everything is okay, and that I'm doing okay.  Most of the time it is true.  But for some reason I guess I just fear that when someone asks me how I'm doing...they really won't be prepared for my answer some times.  And I already know they don't have the answers to my sorrows...so I don't want to make things awkward.  To smile and put on the brave front is easier.  Granted...that creates a big feeling of loneliness a lot of the times.  But, that is my choice, unless I allow a person in to the details of my heart.  But that is scary for me.
And I guess after Zac passed away...I felt the same with God.  I was scared to allow Him the details of my heart, because I didn't know how to talk about it, and I didn't want to hurt when I didn't get an answer.

But I'm learning.  I am.  And through this last disappointment I am really trying really hard to stay focused on God's voice and His truths.

As always...music is the key to my heart.  And although it often is also a huge opening to a floodgate of tears, it is good to have those moments.

A few songs from the CD Here Is Love (Bethel Live) have been really strong encouragers for me.  Hard to hear, scary to claim as my own...but a true challenge to my new-found strength in my relationship with God.
I'd like to share the lyrics...

Healer

You hold my every moment

You calm my raging sea

You walk with me through fire

You heal all my disease

I trust in You

I believe you're my healer

I believe you are all I need

I believe you're my portion

I believe you're more than enough for me

Jesus you're all I need

Nothing is impossible for You

Nothing is impossible

Nothing is impossible for You

You hold my world in Your hands

I Need You More

I need You more, more than yesterday

I need You more, more than words can say

I need You more, than ever before

I need You Lord, I need You Lord

More than the air I breathe, More than the song I sing

More than the next heartbeat, More than anything

And Lord as time goes by, I'll be by Your side

Cause I never want to go back to my old life

Let Heaven Shout

I surrender all to You my God

I will give You all I have

For You took my filthiness and made me clean

I love You Lord Your praises I will sing

Let Heaven shout for I have been redeemed.

I lay down my life, my plans, my rights

For I'm captured by Your love

And though I lose this world I will know You

Nothing compares to knowing You

These songs are a true test for me.  As I listen to them, and sing them...I often don't get through more than the first line of each before turning in to a ball of tears.  It is so hard to allow oneself to be so vulnerable, even to a God who knows my everything.  He created me.  He loves the real me, and accepts me as I am.
But He also requires my love to Him, and if I take myself out from under the umbrella of His protection...how can I expect a relationship to grow and strengthen.
It is a two-way street.

So even though our goodbyes feel like the pain will never disappear...the truth is...our goodbyes are only temporary until we gather in eternity.
For that...I will be glad.

Sending out prayers to those of you who are hurting through whatever life circumstance has come your way...and praying for God's protection and strength.  Do not lose hope.  Do not give up on God. 
And know you have someone praying for you!

Update, and what I have been learning...

 "Riding" the bear at the Calgary Zoo!

Evan LOVED all the bright fish!

Well, we'll start with a quick update.  Things are good.  Evan is wonderful and growing more and more each day.  Talking up a storm and loving riding his bikes (which he calls motorbikes because he LOVES motorbikes!), and still loving every sport imaginable!  We have discovered he has quite the amazing golf swing!! 

He is either going to be one busy kid, or he'll have to choose carefully the sports he wants to do the most!

He is the light of my life, and we are just having such a blast with him the more verbal and independent he is becoming!  He is definitely polite, but opinionated!  Hmmmm, wonder who he takes after! 

We made a trip to Medicine Hat and Calgary last week, which was fun.  And we finally got to take Evan to the Calgary Zoo!!  Brett and I haven't been there in 14 years, so this was just as big of an adventure for us as it was for Evan.  And Evan just LOVED the animals!  And running freely of course!  We went early enough where there weren't too many crowds, but by the end we kept him in very close sight! 

It's fun to get away, but good to be home too.  Even if it's back to the noise and dirt of all the construction around us!  But I'm actually getting "used" to it.  So it doesn't really bother me.

What DOES bother me is as the houses begin to go up farther behind us...I am bound to lose the view of Zac's cemetery tree line...and for some reason that really bothers me.  At least I have that clear view now.  Yes, it's hard to see it with the realization of how wrong it is not to have Zac HERE in our HOME with all of us where he belongs.  And I know, he really isn't THERE in that cemetery or casket.  I know he is home...his true home.  And I know he runs freely, and laughs...and I can just see those gorgeous, precious eyes of his...just as they found my eyes when he would hear my voice...I know he knows he is loved and missed.  But I know he does not want me to be sad all the time.  I know he wants me to live and love and laugh and make him proud. 

Back to our trip.  Evan did AMAZING on both the drive up and back.  I would sit in the back with him from time to time and we'd watch a movie or draw on his AquaDoodle or read or just be silly together.

While we were in Calgary Evan was GLUED to his big cousin Jacob (who is in grade 7).  Evan just followed him around every where and just LOVED Jacob!!  One night when I was putting Evan to bed and he had already fallen asleep he started to jabber in his sleep and then I heard him say Jacob's name!  It was ADORABLE!!

And Jacob was an awesome big cousin to entertain Evan so well!!  Jacob...you are hired!!!  Come for a week and stay with us this summer!! :) hee hee hee.

Now, on to what I've been learning lately.

Things have been busy.  And I had been feeling so unbelievably anxious and stressed.  Not unusual for me to feel that way.

One day, I had enough.

I was SOOOOO tired of feeling that gut wrenching stress and worry.  And so tired of telling myself over and over how much I didn't like feeling that way.

I had shared those feelings with a friend.  She prayed...and I knew it...because I knew God was working in me HUGE!

Through days where I would normally feel off the wall stress with circumstances...I felt unbelievable peace.  I felt such an UNfamiliar calm.  I began to REALLY believe it when I would tell myself that all I can do is live for the day, and that none of the common "dark" scenarios of the future that I would create had a place in my mind or my life any more!  I was done.  I AM done with that.  I am so tired of feeling a heaviness.  I am so tired of worrying...or should I say, CREATING worry about a future that is unknown to me.  What good was it doing me?  What good could it have been doing all these years?

NO good!

Just heaviness, and doubt, and fear, and frustration...

just what the enemy would want, DID want, DOES want.

But he doesn't have me any more!

Ya sure, I'm going to have moments, and I'm going to feel those nerves from time to time...but I'm learning where my strength TRULY comes from.  I'm living out the truth.  I'm not just saying the religious jargon and verbal cliches any more.  I'm LIVING it!  Because I WANT to live it.  I WANT to feel God's presence.  I WANT to feel His strength, and His guidance, and His peace, and His assurance that through whatever circumstance and whatever my future may or may not hold...it's in HIS hands...and He has ME in His hands as well.

Purchasing a few new AWESOME CD's have certainly helped too.  Music has always been a key for my heart and my hinderances.  And these CD's have been SOOOOOOO good for me!  I listen to them EVERY day, and every time I'm in my vehicle.

I've also started reading a book recommended by a wonderful friend.  It's called Psalm 91 by Peggy Joyce Ruth and Angelia Ruth Schum.

How Psalm 91 is a shield for us from God...HOWEVER, many lessons am I learning in devouring this book!

It goes through Psalm 91 verse by verse...and it is AMAZING!  I really recommend it!!

I know the enemy knows my weaknesses.  I know he knows where to go in for the kill to pull me down.  And I'm learning more and more how I need to protect myself from that.  To see those moments and take them captive before he has a chance to disrupt all that has been changing within me.

I know he knows he has a fight on his hands, and I know that can often mean a war...but I'm equiping myself.  I am getting prepared. 

And in the moments of disappointment that may arise...I HAVE to trust that good or sad...God will always carry me through...if I ask Him, and LET Him.

The offer is always there from Him...and it's up to ME to accept.

Life is too hard battling on your own.  It's too frustrating to put on the happy face for others yet screaming out from the inside wishing someone would come by your side. 

So...a new friendship rekindled...which has brought about an amazing prayer warrior in my life.

A new relationship with God rekindled...worth the battle.  And the battle is won with Him on my side.

Every day I live by the words "live for today...for this very day.  See the blessings of today, and trust God with tomorrow." 

My words.  

A song from one of the most recent CD's I purchased is playing right now...and I just have to share the lyrics:

Let Heaven Shout

(CD: Here is Love - Bethel Live)

I surrender all to You my God

I will give You all I have

For You took my filthiness and made me clean

I love you Lord Your praises I will sing

Let heaven shout for I have been redeemed.

I lay down my life, my plans, my rights

For I'm captured by Your love

And though I lose this world I will know You.

Nothing compares to knowing You.

Strength for today...

I don't know how much time I have right now, but I just wanted to share another line from another devotional from my study bible.  One that is another packed statement that I find I can struggle with.

The devotional is titled "Go in strength" based from Judges 6:14 "Go in the strength you have...Am I not sending you?" and promised "I will be with you" (6:16).

The line that really struck home with me is from a plaque from a mother's wall that said "The will of God will never lead you where the grace of God cannot keep you."

In thinking of diappointment and struggle and heart ache in so many, it's often a question of mine...why would God's will include that.  Yup, I know...fallen world.  I get that.  I know it's not that God does mean stuff to us.  I know our fallen world is the cause for pain.  And I know that it is God's love, strength and sacrifice that gets us through.  But still, the human nature wants to point a finger at the most innocent direction.

But it's true...God's grace gets us through!  It's not our strength...it's HIS.  His love, His grace, His comfort, His protection. 

No matter the pain...He will get us through.  And through the pain...we can see the good things in life too!! 

Finding the fight...

Often I've found myself struggling with hope.  It became such a confusing word.  While pregnant with Zac and Evan I thrived on that word.  I hung on to it like it was the last word I'd ever hear or speak.
Then things happened.  And I began to question the value of "hope". 
As always...the very confusing emotions a grieving mother yet a rejoicing mother.

I put "hope" on the shelf.  I figured...what's the point.  It hurts too much to hope.  The things that I hope for may never come to be.  And if I hope, and those dreams are never fullfilled...how will I manage without resenting feeling hopeful.  Without feeling gullible or niave? 

Ah yes...the tainted heart of a grieving mother.

And then...the fight of a mother who watches her surviving son live life to the fullest.  Watching him in amazement of who is becoming, from where he once began.  And it blows my mind. 

How do I not hold on to hope.

When we lost our first babies I lived in the book of Job.  I felt like Job...the mourning Job, the Job who seemed to have everything taken away.  I read Job faithfully and tried to believe that I too could have a life after loss.

My last post shows the three passages that seem to have been my "Job Journey".  But tonight I read another passage that I REALLY needed to read.  It is 2 Chronicles 20:15-17.
My short version of this passage that really hit home with me is as follows:

"Do not be afraid or discouraged because of this vast army.  For the battle is not yours, but God's.  Tomorrow march down against them.  You will not have to fight this battle.  Take up your positions; stand firm and see the deliverance the Lord will give you; O Judah and Jerusalem.  Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged.  Go out to face them tomorrow, and the Lord will be with you.

Intense.  Very intense.  And so what I needed.  I needed that kick in the pants.

I am a stresser.  I am a worrier.  I create the negative scenarios in my mind of things that have not even come to be yet.  I assume the heart-break. 

I think it is a coping mechanism.  I think if I assume the "worst", then if it doesn't happen and things turn out good...then I can really feel true relief and rejoicing. 

I know that must sound so twisted.  So "not Christian".  So very jaded. 

But I really have just always thought of it as being "safe". 

If you don't expect too much...then the pain of the fall doesn't hurt AS bad.  So I once thought.

I don't like living like that.  I've never thought of myself as a jaded pessimist.  I've never wanted to be that kind of person.  And on the surface and to those around me...I probably don't seem like that kind of person.  And really, I don't think that I am 100% of the time like that.  I think that "coping mechanism" kicks in when I feel like my heart is going to be threatened by more sadness or disappointment.

But that is not what I want my son seeing in me.  I don't want him seeing a person who is afraid of the unknown.  A person who would rather build brick walls around her heart IN CASE she MIGHT be hurt instead of having a heart open to the possibility of good things and blessings.

I have a study Bible.  I like the stories from others that they share.  The other day I stumbled across one titled "Crisis of Faith" by Jim Conway.  I love the last line in what he shared.  It again hit home to me.  He said "I realized if I trusted myself there would be nothing but despair, because I could not control life.  SO THE ONLY VIABLE OPTION WAS TO TRUST GOD."

Wow...it's a hard thing for a control-person to do.  It is something I have to focus on EVERY day.  I CAN NOT CONTROL MY LIFE!!!!  Yes, I can control what I eat, when I exercise, when I clean, my attitude with my husband and my son (well, sometimes there is a loss of control in that one that I then have to eat humble-pie!!).  But I can not control future.  I can not control the unknown.  I can not control many things in the unknown future of my life.  And...the control person in me HATES that fact.  I NEED to be able to "fix" things, and control what happens to me.  But ummmmmm...I CAN'T!!  It never works.  Because I do not KNOW my future.  I know the dreams and hopes and prayers and desires...but I have no idea if that is what God has planned for me, for us.  And that scares me...because if it isn't...I know my heart will hurt, and I will question "why not me?  why not us?" once again.  And I don't want to do that.

But it's true...the only viable option is to trust God...because He holds our future.  He has great things for us, whether that includes OUR dreams and desires or not.  But we will live the life God will choose for us.  

I guess in that we DO have a choice.  Accept God's plan, or not.  Live to fullfill God's purpose for our lives...or not.

I can't imagine life being very fullfilling if I am walking away from the life God has provided.  No matter the pain.  No matter the loss.  No matter the struggle to joy.  

I'm glad that I stumbled across 2 Chronicles.  I'm glad, because it truly IS what I needed to read for my tomorrow!  I'm thankful for God's word.  The key is to hold on to it...good or bad.  When the bumps come (and they will), that is when the real battle of holding to God's word comes.  And I'm tired of turning my head from His word when the bumps come...because honestly...without His word, the bumps really bring bruises with them when there is no comfort from God to cushion the blow.  

Back up and carrying on...

Well, my new laptop is ready to roll.  It's bizarre how much you realize you come to rely on technology.  And to be honest...the break has been good for me.  As much as it can be a good outlet for me, it can also be a huge distraction to the things that are important on a daily basis.  Life will be getting a little chaotic for a while, so updates may not be as frequent for the next few weeks...but we'll see.  I really don't even know who follows along with this blog of mine anymore anyhow.  I find it's more like an online journal for myself.

Evan is doing amazing.  Growing so fast.  Learning so much.  Talking up a storm.  Playing every sport he can.  He is one smart little guy!!  And he is my world!  He makes me laugh so much!!  I love that he loves to laugh.

Mother's Day was fun.  Brett, Evan and I went for breakfast and then just hung out.  Later I made a cake for me and my mom :)  hee hee hee.  It was fun!  And Evan sure had fun "helping" me out!
And I went and spent some time out at the cemetery taking down Christmas items around Zac's plot and adding some spring/summer items.  Then I just sat there.  I journaled.  I cried.  I smiled.  I watched the very busy cemetery as others were coming to visit their moms, grandmas, aunts.  It was very busy.  During my visit with Zac I was the only mom at that time visiting their child.  It's true...it felt so backwards.  He should be here.  My boys should be grown men visiting MY gravesite.  However, it is not how it is...so I made sure to reflect on every precious memory with both my sons wrestling and punching and kicking inside me.  Hearing Zac's hiccups during daily NST tests while in the hospital.  All the ultrasounds of my boys squirming all around. 

Today when I was reading my bible I decided to go to Job.  I like Job.  Job hits home to me.
I had LOTS highlighted since our journey of infertility and loss began.  And I chose to focus on three particular sections.  Let me share...

Job 6:11-13 "What strength do I have, that I should still hope?  What prospects, that I should be patient?  Do I have the strength of stone?  Is my flesh bronze?  Do I have any power to help myself, now that success has been driven from me?"

Job 8:5-7 "But if you will look to God and plead with the Almighty, if you are pure and upright, even now he will rouse himself on your behalf and restore you to your rightful place.  Your beginnings will seem humble, so prosperous will your future be."

Job 8:21 "He will yet fill your mouth with laughter and your lips with shouts of joy."

These sections have been really important to me.  Yet, since all that happened with Zac and Evan, I've come to be very cautious and careful in how I choose to interpret scripture.  Sometimes I wonder if I just choose the sections that fit my current situation and desire to read what I need to hear.  I don't know. 

The first section of these scriptures speak volumes about how I've been feeling about myself lately and wondering about the future.  I've struggled to have hope in dreams that still resonate within me.  I've been scared to hope.  Patients??  Well, I guess I struggle always with that since it took 8 years to get pregnant the first time, only to lose our twins.  Then to be blessed with Zac and Evan, only to rupture with Zac at 23wks and deliver at 28wks...and then hold Zac in my arms as he left this earth. 
Yes...hope became a scary word to me.  Yet...looking at my sweet precious Evan...how do I NOT hope!!  And believe!
Sometimes I feel like I'm supposed to have the emotions of stone and skin thick as an elephants.  And how do I help myself?!  OH YA...I have no control over the future. 

The second section is a bit hard for me.  I'm not sure how "pure" and "upright" I am.  So why would I deserve such a prosperous future? 

The third section of scripture was a section of scripture that I read after we lost our first babies, and desired to believe in it...and then came Zac and Evan.  Then after Zac passed away...I held on to that verse so I wouldn't get lost in my grief and sorrow...and remember that I have much to greatful for. 

It's hard sometimes because I can feel so vulnerable when I open myself to scripture and knowing it is from God to me.  I want to protect myself from believing it is saying something to me that I WANT it to say to me...not necessarily what it really is meant.  Sometimes I find it confusing.  But really...mostly I find it very comforting and encouraging and strengthening.  Like in any relationship...communications can be crossed and misunderstood and misinterpreted...and yes, there are times where we can do that with God's word...but ultimately I believe what has been given to us from God.  His love, His word...His truth.

I know the doubts come from the enemy. 

And that is when we dig deeper, read further, and hold on to the truth.

 

Everything beautiful...

Well, my new laptop has STILL not arrived.  Very annoyed with DELL computers!!!!!!  Status said my initial laptop was shipped and then when Brett checked in on where it was he was told it was BACK ORDERED!!  So...they lied!  It was never shipped.  Oh well.  New one is supposed to arrive around May 9th.  I'm annoyed!

I have pictures that I want to share, but still am not able to because I can't even download them until the laptop arrives.  I've wanted to do a proper update, but still have not been able to do so.


HOWEVER, I have Brett's work laptop tonight so I just wanted to share the lyrics of one (of many) songs that has been a true encouragement to me lately.  It's off a CD called I Will Praise You by Rececca St. James.  Highly recommend this CD.
The song is called YOU MAKE EVERYTHING BEAUTIFUL based on the scripture Ecclesiates 3:11.

Grant me serenity to accept things, The things I cannot change.  Grant me the courage, Lord, to change what I can.  Wisdom to know the difference.  In my weakness You can shine.  In Your strength I can fly and - You make everything, everything beautiful.  You make everything, everything new.  You make everything, everything beautiful.  In its time, in Your time, it's beautiful.  Grant me serenity, Lord, and patience.  For things will take time.  Grant me freedom to walk a new path, and let me feel Your love.  In my weakness You can shine.  In Your strength I can fly and Lifting open hands to You my Savior, Beautify my soul knowing You redeem my pain and failure.  Purify my soul.  Beautify my soul.


We all have our stories.  We all have our valleys and our mountain peaks.  We all have sorrows and joys.  We all cry, and we all laugh.  But I pray that God will use my valleys, my sorrows and my tears to shine to someone else.  To encourage another soul.  That my heart breaks would make me more sensitive and empathetic to others.  To remember that not everyone lives unscathed.  To be gentle on those who need a gentle touch, and to be a shoulder for those who feel weak.

I know I have been the one in need of all the above.  And in the moments where I've felt alone...I now realize even more than ever...I haven't been.  Even though I've screamed at God and pushed at Him and questioned Him and in the moments where I've doubted my faith...He has never left my side.  He has once again waited patiently.  He has once again kept walking along my side.  He has once again been the arms to hold me up when all that is within me crumbles to the ground.
He is the one who has brought laughter to my soul.  He is the one who has whispered gently words of love and encouragement.  And once again...He has welcomed me back with open arms.
He has once again "redeemed my pain and failure".  My soul still needs MUCH beautifying, but we'll get there.  I still have MANY brick walls around my heart...but the mortar is starting to chip away.  I still have reserved hopes, yet at least hope has become a word I can appreciate again.


As for Evan...he is doing WONDERFUL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  He is a boy of all boys.  Fearless, daring, ridiculously in to all types of sports now (especially motorbikes now!)...he knows no boundaries in what he thinks he can do.  I admire that!  I hope he never loses that...even though my heart is often in my throat.  He is such a little comic!  Quiet the chatter box.  He loves singing his ABC's and counting (he has done well with up to eleven and then skips here and there).  He sings Happy Birthday to everyone and everyTHING!  As of yesterday he is all about singing "O Canada" over and over.  Literally just those two words of the song, although today Brett got him to sing the whole first line!  It's a riot!!
He is an outdoors kid, and we take many outings. 
He is growing like a weed, and is actually feeling like he may be gaining more weight.  He is a Macfarlane...tall and lean.  But when I carry him...my arms are starting to tire much faster!  And that's GREAT! 
I want to get him in to swimming lessons.  I think he'd LOVE that. 
He loves playing with Playdoh and his markers.  He helps me unload the dishwasher.  It's now all about "Evan doooo!" - socks, shoes, jackets, shirts...anything.
And then he is also my greatest little snuggle buddy!!  He melts my heart.  He still wants to "climb" up in my arms and snuggle in to my neck.  He wants to snuggle in the glider chair at nap and bed time, even though his legs hang right off because he is so long.  He puts my face in his hands and gets this grin on his face and looks at me and says "I luv you very very very much."  He is my heart and soul.  He brings me joy and laughter and a feeling of pride.

Today we went and flew kites.  I had bought two.  At one point Brett had anchored his down and let it just fly and he and Evan disappeared on a walk while I manned both kites!  It was so fun to fly a kite again!  It's so fun blowing bubbles and doing sidewalk chalk, and picking up stones on a walk, and seeing things with new eyes.

We went for a walk around a new park the other day and I realized that park is right next to the cemetery where Zac "is".  So...Evan and I took an extended walk to say "hello".  Evan blew kisses and told Zac "I luv you!"
There is just something in hearing him say that.  Heart breaking, yet heart warming.  Knowing we will never hide Zac from Evan or what happened. 

Anyhow, I suppose I should sign off until my new laptop arrives.  It's getting late, and I need to get a few things done before I can head to bed.

Blessings to you all!!

When technology fails you...

So, it has definitely been a while since my last post.  My personal lap top literally DIED a couple of weeks ago so I don't have many opportunities to internet access.  This weekend I have my hubby's work laptop at home, so I hope to do a proper update while I have it.  It's too late to get in to things tonight, and honestly my mind is so scattered that I don't even know where I would begin.
It took Evan an HOUR to fall asleep tonight (10pm) so I am just trying to get a few things caught up before I can head to bed too.  And I am POOOOOOPED!!

My new laptop will not arrive until the 25th of this month. 

I felt sick the day I went to turn my laptop on and all it would do was turn itself on and off.  I quickly shut it down and got in touch with our computer guy who was able to pull the hard drive and save all my photos/documents, etc. 
Note to self...when you are a person who takes a ZILLION pictures...BACK THEM UP FREQUENTLY!!!  I would have been devastated if our computer guy wouldn't have been able to restore what was on my hard drive!!!!!

I have been holding off on posting too because I had a couple of photos to share.

Anyhow...I am still here...just technologically held up until next week.  I will update things soon!
For now...I must wash up a couple dishes and get myself ready for bed :)