2 year milestones...celebrations and good byes...

March 6, 2009...our precious little boys entered this world, albeit far too soon.

March 6, 2011...we celebrated Evan's 2nd birthday with friends and family.  What a joyful day it was to watch him!  The morning began with Brett, Evan and I going to the cemetery to bring Zac a balloon, and to say Happy Birthday and blow some kisses to our angel.
The day before, special friends came to spend the night with us, and how wonderful to have them stay!!  Evan's and his NICU sweetie had fun playing...and how precious to watch these two knowing how far they have come!!
The day of the party the house was filled with laughter and food and fun.  Evan was WAY over stimulated and off the walls with sugar by the end of the night.

I made two cakes this year.  One specially for Evan...a hockey jersey with a hockey stick and puck with "2" in the center of it all.  And one specially for Zac...decorated in blue icing for the sky and then angel wings and halo around a heart made out of fondant, and below fondant with the scripture used on Zac's grave plaque "I thank my God every time I remember you.  Phil 1:3"
How wonderful it felt to have cakes for BOTH my sons!!!!  It meant so much to me to make those cakes, and to celebrate both our sons!

Now, March 9, 2009...that morning we spent our first time holding our sweet Zac...also preparing for his final breath.  That moment came as I held him skin to skin on my chest...and I knew he had left us from this earth.  How does a parent ever come to terms with a moment like that?  Yes, I know I have the promise of heaven...but it does not make the emotions on earth less painful.  It hurts.  It always will.

March 9, 2011...this morning Evan and I went out to the cemetery with my mom, sister-in-law, nephew and niece.  We each released a balloon to the sky for Zac.  It took everything in me not to break down in front of the kids...but I didn't want them to see that.  I have saved it for private moments like now, while I am alone.

Who knew that three days could hold such emotion of such joy and such sorrow.

We celebrate our sons!  They are both heros in our eyes. 
And both have celebrated birth days in unique ways.

My heart overflows with love for our sons, and for all our children in heaven.  I miss them all...but we will be together again.

"God be with you till we meet again..."

xoxo

Birthday Invites = smiles and tears...

In just over a week my boys will (and would have) turn two.  First, I can't believe almost two years have passed.  I can't believe my 28 weeker will be almost 24 months!  It actually makes my head spin.

I was just writing out birthday invitations for Evan's party.  I know it's mainly family that will be coming, but I don't care.  I waited so long to do birthdays and invitations...so even though it's mostly family...invitations are still being mailed out.  AND I suppose that should prompt me to hussle up since it's in just over a week!!

But here I am writing out these invitations...with only one name, and one name missing.  One face that will not be seen at this party...except in a photograph.  One name that won't be sung to.

I know it will always be hard on my heart.  And I know that no matter what, my heart will also always rejoice watching Evan each year that we are blessed to be his parents here on earth. 

But each year comes with the sting of missing Zac.  And that will always be a part of it. 

And each year I will try to make sure that each party holds a piece of him as well...because he BELONGS there.  Even if just in heart and memory. 

I'm excited to make Evan's cake.  I am excited to blow up balloons.  I am excited to watch him next Sunday.  I am excited to see what this new year holds for him.  I overflow with love for him.

I wish that Zac was going to be here.  I wish that Zac had been here each day of the passed two years.  I wish that Evan had his brother with him.  I hope that Evan will understand that he is a twin...that his brother loved, and loves him always.  But that is up to me, and to us as parents to continue to make Zac a part of our every day.  Not in a strange way.  Not in a "shrine" sense.  But in the way that is real...the very fact that Evan and Zac are two together always.

Writing out these invitations bring me such joy and honor...and also many tears and pangs of sadness.

The sadness will not over take the joy...but the sadness is reality.  It always will be.

Two years...where has time gone?!

Hope...

"For in this hope we were saved.  But hope that is seen is no hope at all.  Who hopes for what he already has?  But if we hope for what we do not yet have, we wait for it patiently.  In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness.  We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groans that words cannot express.  And he who searches our hearts knows the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes for the saints in accordance with God's will.  And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose."  - Romans 8: 24-28


"Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faith in prayer."  - Romans 12:12


"May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit."  - Romans 15:13

The other day Evan and I went on a "date".  We went to my favorite Christian bookstore where Evan played in the play area for a while and then helped me pick out my favorite thing...a book!

While I was there I thought about Hope.  I don't know why it came to my mind.  Maybe because of the past events of life I realised that "hope" seems like just another word to me some days.  The importance that I felt in hope and the drive I felt by that word seems to have become a bit distant to me. 

And it makes me sad.  I make myself sad knowing that I've become this distant person to the things that kept me going while in the hospital those 5 weeks, and each day since then.  Not that I've rejected God...no, by no means.  But I guess I allowed the enemy to plant the seed of "well look at you now!  You had all this hope and where did it get you." 

AGAIN, let me be clear that these are NOT negative thoughts or feelings projected on to Evan and the miracle of his life or the amazing and endless love that I have for my son!  Don't EVER presume I feel this way towards such a gift.  When I speak candidly, and openly about my struggles and questions...these come from the grieving mommy heart.  The mommy who will never understand why both her sons are not here in her arms.  Once again, these thoughts, emotions and feelings are the joy of living in two totally opposite ends of the spectrum.

Before I left the store I ran back to where they have mugs.  I KNEW I'd find one with the word Hope on it...and I was right.  There it is above in my picture.  I'm drinking my coffee from it now as I type, and look at it often and see that word HOPE...and I know what I must do.

I must find my way back.

No matter how scary, no matter how uncertain, no matter WHAT may lay ahead of us...we can't go on without HOPE.  I can't shut myself off to these words of encouragement and promise just because I felt betrayed.  And even then...I wasn't betrayed.  My little Zac carried out his purpose.  It was by NO MEANS long enough for me to touch him, smell him, watch his eyes focus on me, or to hold him in my arms as he passed away.  But his fight for me and for his brother is slowly helping to restore my HOPE that I will find the strength in myself that I once had. 

The life of a Christian is not to be assumed will be an easy one.  I think we place too much expectation on God sometimes.  Again, don't get me wrong, He is a God of miracles and healing and restoration...but often times we are praying for OUR desires.  Of course, why wouldn't we!!  Look at me!  I know I have sure placed my tall requests.  And we ARE to bring our desires and petitions to God.  But HOW HE chooses to answer them can often rock our worlds when it isn't the way WE asked or believed. 

So begins the very daunting journey of restoring our faith and strength when we have felt forgotten or abandoned.  Or backing down from our anger when prayers may not be answered to how we ferverently prayed.

I do NOT believe that God doesn't answer our prayers just to "pull rank" or to remind us of our "place".

We don't understand the result of some prayers.  We don't understand the "why" of it all.

But we are to continue to BELIEVE that God has it under control.  He loves us.  He hurts when we hurt. 
AND there is such rejoicing as well when prayers ARE answered as we asked or HOPED for.

I'm certainly no theologian, so these are just my own feelings.

In my case, 4 of our 5 children have passed away, far too soon.  A reminder that this earth is not our home.  That even in these moments we are born to die.  YET, as believers...we have that certainty that we are not just dying.  We are not evaporating in to nothingness.  We will rejoin those gone before us to our true home.  We will live as God always intended. 

It's hard for me to wrap my head around.  And it doesn't make the sufferings on earth any easier.  But earthly death is a reminder of what is important.

It's not the STUFF we accumulate, or the places we go, or the cars we drive or the house we live in.  Yes, God has blessed us with comforts while here, but we are to do more than just sit back comfortably.  We are to live like Christ.  We are to reach out to those who need Christ's love and HOPE.  We are to sit with those who are hurting, to extend a hand when a friend needs help up, to go beyond our own busy lives and to make sure those around us are doing well.

It's not easy.  Life gets busy.  We all know that.

But in an age of email and texting...how hard can it be to sit and take 3 minutes to shoot even a short "I'm thinking of you", or "Hope everything is well", or "How can I pray for you this week?"

I know that through the pain of losing Zac, and the fears of such a premature baby I got lost in my own world.  I didn't know how to reach out and ask for help, or even to ask for someone just to come and sit by my side when I needed someone to do just that.

And now I try to remember how I felt, and how lonely a journey it has been...and I want to somehow use what I learned in those days (and am still learning) to go beyond myself and my comforts. 

My prayer life has lacked.  I will admit that whole heartedly.  I've wished for a person to come along side me and say...lets just sit so I can pray for you.  HOWEVER, I DO have a dear friend in Calgary who calls and often ends our conversation in prayer.  She warms my heart!!  But I want to be that kind of person too!!  I want to get over myself and my setbacks and my "embarassement" of wondering if I won't sound "Godly" or have enough "wisdom" in my prayers.  Talk about needing to get over myself!  WHO CARES if I say a prayer as innocent and as short as a CHILD!!  JUST PRAY ALREADY!!!!  It is what we are called to do!!!!

Yes, so now I have put myself out there and have created a challenge for myself, as well as for who ever (if any) still follow along my blog and believe in the power of prayer.

I have a friend who just recently was diagnosed with cancer.  I won't name names, as it is really not my place, but this family is feeling the presence and peace of God through prayers happening for them literally all over the world.  I felt those same prayers while I was in the hospital.  Prayer has power...even when we don't think it's making a difference.  IT DOES to the person you are praying for!!

I am asking that you pray for this friend, and for his wife and young children.  Pray that this friend will feel the hand of God over his body, and that God will use this to HIS glory.  Pray for physical comfort and for mental peace as treatment looms ahead.  Pray that these children will be safe guarded from clinical talk, and from anything that their little ears just don't need to be subjected to.  Pray that they will lean on each other, and their family, friends and God through these scary times.  Pray for strength in each of us to uphold him in daily prayer...not putting our own setbacks in place of the power of prayer (aka...like me!). 

Pray for healing!!

Life will always throw us a curve ball, no matter how lucky we think we are.  That's just life.  But how fortunate for us to be blessed by the love of our Eternal Father, who even through the darkest of days will forever remain by our side, granting us strength and peace each day we move forward.  The days where we are just too tired and too weak from our burden, He is there to carry us through.  The days where we feel the loneliest and most abandoned by those around us...He is there to heal our hearts and hold our hands and catch our tears.

We don't know how prayers will be answered.  But we HOPE in the petitions prayed.  And God will carry us through.

Blessings to you all...

Oh boy...

I really should be sleeping.  Why am I not sleeping! 
Oh ya...dishes, and then a stack of paper work that needed to get done after Evan went to bed. 
I always kick myself the next morning because I realize how tired I am THEN...but now?  I have a stupid second wind and just can't unravel myself to sleep.  Silly silly girl!!

Things have been good.  Evan has been great!  My heart and joy.  He just makes me laugh so much.
This afternoon we went by Brett's office and he got all shy and said "I shy!"  It was so funny!!

Yesterday we were out of town for a birthday party.  Evan's NICU sweetie had her 2nd birthday yesterday.  It is SUCH a joy to be able to be a part of such an amazing day.
Marley is another miracle indeed!  Born 27 weeks and weighed 2lb 6ou. 
She and Evan were side by side for most of our NICU stay, so we were blessed to become friends with Marley's parents...and how special it is to be able to visit and to watch our little ones outside of the isolettes and NICU bays! 
And how PRECIOUS to hear them laughing and giggling together as they run off to play in another room.
Seriously just so so sweet.

Of course with that comes that all too connected ache.  Wishing I were hearing Zac among the laughter and playing.  Having him a part of the birthday celebrations too.
But he is forever in our hearts.  He is not forgotten, and he is not unmentioned.

Tonight as I was washing up dinner dishes I was watching and listening to Evan and Brett playing on the floor...and suddenly tears were just pouring down my face.  Fortunately they had their backs to me, so I was able to have my moment in private.
But as I listened to them and watched them together, and watched and listened to Evan talking away and putting puzzles together, my heart just overflowed with love and awe of this little guy.
And yet in the same breathe...I wondered what it would have been like to have Zac right there in the mix.  Not just in our minds and our hearts...but HERE.
I KNOW that he would have never crawled, or walked, or talked or even ate like Evan has and does.  I know we were told that the way he was laying in his isolette with his beautiful eyes staring at us would be how he was expected to always be IF he survived.
And I feel so angry all over again with the thoughts.  Maybe because this time 2 years ago I was still hanging on to every day we were granted while living at the hospital, begging for my boys lives.
I get so angry trying to understand WHY I ever ruptured to begin with.  What did I do wrong to put my sons at risk?  And I know logically that I couldn't have been MORE careful during my pregnancy...but still.  I am mommy.  And isn't the mommy the protector of the one(s) inside her? 
I get sad thinking that Zac would have struggled.  I get sad knowing the choice we had to make.  I get mad remembering that day and get disappointed that we were ever put in that position.

BUT...my days are getting better.  Never without a tear escaping here and there, and never without thoughts of both my sons.
But I know I will see Zac again.  I know we will see all our children again.
So for that...I have to just realize that I don't have the answers to my why's.  And I have to put that to rest.
I have precious memories along with the heart ache.  And I'm trying to keep those sweet memories front and center.

Grief is never replaced.  Grief is there.  I suppose it's how we allow grief to play in our lives. 
No matter how badly I wish both my sons were asleep in their bedroom right now...that is not the case.
But I am so greatful that I know heaven holds Zac, while I get to hold Evan in my arms every day.
I hold both my sons in their own way.
I refuse to let grief over take me.
I refuse to let the enemy win.
I refuse to lose that which is in my life now.

I know as March approaches the confusion and joy/grief tug-of-war tightens just that bit more.
I'm so excited for Evan's birthday, but I'm also bracing myself for that lump in my throat as we sing "Happy Birthday".  I'm excited for the day of celebration and for those who will join with us...but I struggle because Zac will not be blowing out candles.
I am filled with awe and gratitude for the days, weeks, months and soon yearS we have had with Evan.  What an amazing blessing this little boy is in our lives.  What lessons he teaches us every day!
What music to my ears to hear him chattering away with his daddy.  What music to my ears to hear his melt downs!  What music to my ears to hear him call for me in the night, and the feeling of him racing to me and flinging himself in to my arms.

My sons are precious gifts.  And I will never take them forgranted!

Those darn achy milestones...

Yesterday marked 2 years ago that I ruptured with Zac. 

Saturday night I felt restless and sad.  It's not like this day holds MORE pain than others...just a "special" pain "saved" just for these days.  When I finally got to sleep, my dreams became nightmares.  I kept dreaming that I was reaching for Zac, that he was "lost"...just very sad visions.

I woke up feeling crushed, and physically ill.

And then in true tug-of-emotional-war...

Evan woke, and my heart overflowed with love and gratitude for the little boy in my arms.  For the fight BOTH my sons gave.  For the memories of them together inside of me, and for the few precious days outside of me.

I know some dreams will never come true...but some will never be forgotten and cherished.

Too quickly...

Evan's big boy bed!!  Crazy!!! 

Wondering who will get more in their mouths...Evan or the dogs!  Cheerio extravagganza!

Evan's new chair/couch!!  Doesn't he look so proud!!

Bailey over-taking Evan's new couch!!  Between her and Tag...Evan has to fight for his spot!!

 Pizza night on the couch...a rare treat to eat free on the couch!!

Evan so proud of his new-found "drilling" abilities!  hee hee hee

It's going too fast.  Time is going much too fast.

Evan is growing up much to quickly!

I can't stop time.

Some days I wish I could just pause it a little longer!

A couple of nights ago the three of us were eating dinner at the table and I just suddenly found tears rolling down my face.  My husband asking what was wrong.  And all I could do was look at Evan and say "he is just so amazing, and so fun to watch as he grows.  It's happening too fast!"

On one hand you are just so thrilled at how advanced he seems to be, especially for being so premature.  Prematurity has not hindered my little man at all. 

It will never be an excuse for him.

For that we are blessed.

On the other hand I just wish time could slow down just a little bit, because I want to savour every moment, experience, memory, feeling, smile, tear, wonder...

I watch Evan and wonder who he will become.  I see Evan, and see how inquisitive he is, and how easily he seems to catch on to things...and how very very determined he is.

I wonder what or how much of an influence I will be in the future of who he becomes.

I pray that I will be a positive influence.  A strong influence.  An encouraging influence.

There are days where I catch myself thinking "oh man, I have to get "so and so" in check...I don't want Evan learning this, or remembering this of me". 

There are strengths in me that I hope Evan develops.  There are weaknesses in me that I hope Evan never knows. 

But in the end, I pray that the person GOD has willed Evan to be will be the person he becomes.

He is such an amazing little boy...and I pray I can do the best that he deserves.


In another way time gives you reason to see how fast it goes.
On Jan 30th...this will mark 2 years since I woke that dreadful morning to stand in a pool of amniotic fluid.
And the memories just continue to be so overwhelming.
Memories follow you...but not being in our old house any more, and not facing that bathroom on that date...that helps.  It doesn't heal, but it helps.
I still feel like I'm in a world of shock, denial, confusion, hurt, anger and on and on.
How can I not.
I miss Zac.  I always will.

The dreams we had of our sons growing up together will never be reality.

I have no idea what my future holds, but I have to believe that I know WHO holds my future.  And I have to believe that God will sustain us through whatever path or valley may be ahead of us.

I often think of our 6 little "totsicles" waiting.  Frozen in time...literally.
I miss them desperately, but am terrified of moving forward.
If you are a person of prayer...please pray for me, and for our little ones "in waiting".


Well, lets get back to Evan for a moment.
Like I say, he is doing amazing.
I watch him and think what he does is typical, and then realize...he isn't even 2, and he is walking up and down stairs like a pro.  He loves to color and draw and it is amazing to listen to him as he flips through books and tells me "stories".  What REALLY blew me away the other day is we were doing one of his Melissa & Doug puzzles of the alphabet and he was PUTTING THE LETTERS IN THE RIGHT PLACES AND TELLING ME WHAT THEY WERE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Not ALL of them, but a lot of them.  My jaw just dropped!
I think he gets these things from mommy! :)
He is also a HUGE helper!  He LOVES to help unload the dishwasher and is in charge of passing me the cutlery.  After each piece he says "thank you!"
And the latest is that he loves to help me unload the dryer and then reload it with the wet clothes.  He also loves loading the washing machine.  AND gets a kick out of helping me "fold" clothes! 
I hope that habit sticks when he's older!!!  hee hee hee.

I found myself looking through pictures the other night from when I was pregnant, and then when the boys were born and then the months since Evan came home.  I cried through them all.  Happy memories, moments that I wish could have been longer (like being pregnant the full duration and watching how massive I would have gotten!!!), memories of disbelief that we were finally parents of living children.  Wonder of Evan growing and seeing how he has changed! 
Ya...talk about realizing how fast time goes!!

Anyhow, just thought I'd share some updates and some thoughts and some struggles.  I still struggle with the "why's" and with dealing with broken dreams even though our reality holds much joy.  Still struggling with that tug of war of joy and sorrow.  Still trying to figure out how to breathe some days.  And still struggling to find my way fully back to the God who I know loves me more than life.  I'm trying though.

One day at a time!  One foot in front of the other.
What more can a person do!

Catching Up...

 Merry Christmas from the Johnson's

Ooopsie, skate fell off!  But boy oh boy does he LOVE skating!!!!!!

I am finding things trickier with updating my blog lately.  Our basement has been under major finishing so Evan and I have been "living" at my parents off and on.  So I figure I better sit down and write a bit for those of you still lovingly following along my blog and my thoughts.

Christmas was nice.  I always find it bitter-sweet.  Aching for the children missing from the excitement of it all, yet feeling so blessed and fortunate to be finally watching OUR son opening gifts and racing around with his cousins.  I find myself very emotional during the holidays...but Christmas especially.

Christmas day was spent at Brett's parents.  It was fun, yet boy did I feel old!  When I first entered Brett's family all the kids were just little...that was about 14 years ago the first Christmas I shared with them before Brett and I got married.  I remember finding it overwhelming because there were so many family members.  But I remember it being so joyful for everyone.

That first Christmas was very difficult for me.  My grandpa had had a stroke that year and our family spent Christmas at the hospital.  He passed away shortly after. 

This year I missed my grandpa as much as I did those first years.  But this year I longed to hear him and see him and listen to that infectious laugh of his!

All I can hope is that he is playing "Pop goes the weesle" on his violin for my children...his great-grandchildren.  And that they are giggling away as he allows them to bush out his comb-over like we did.  Those memories make me smile.  I am glad for those memories.

I also made a visit to the cemetery to "visit" with Zac.  It was a cccccold visit so I wasn't able to stay too long, but enough to carve out another path to his plot in the snow and clean up his plaque.

It's not the way Christmas should be.  That's not the visit I should be making.

But this time I have a place to go.  This time his name is there for those around to see.  Where our first babes have nothing.  This was our Jack, Ethan and Whisper's 3rd heavenly birthday...Dec. 6/07.  It's hard to believe how the time goes.

After my visit I was able to clean myself up and found a joy filling my heart when I went back and watched my son tag along with all his big cousins.  He was right in there like noone's business!  Sooo funny!!!  Just one of the gang.

Brett smiled and said "this is how Christmas should be". 

We both know it holds a sting and an ache...but we both feel the joy and honor of now being able to "fit in" with our amazing Evan.  How could it not bring a warmth to our hearts.  How could we not find ourselves smiling like little school kids at recess. 

We are living a dream.  We are living a blessing.  And we know that this is how Zac would want it to be.  We know he wants us to give our all to his little brother (well, by exactly one minute younger :))

And we don't even have to think twice.  Our love for Evan is fully Evan's.  No hold backs.  No pains attached to our love for him.  The only pain is loving his so much that I wonder if my heart will rip apart from overflowing.

We are blessed with all our children.  Each with their own special memory and each with their own respective places in our hearts.

The following day we had Christmas two at my parents.  Now the kids on my side are all young...so it was loud and wild like the first years in Brett's family Christmases.  And it was so fun to hear our son part of the noise!!  Part of opening gifts and stealing his cousins gifts when he could.  A true dream come true.

We headed out to Sherwood Park, AB on the 30th and visited with precious friends.  We got to see our buddy Kardin and the newest addition, 7 week old Boston.  Evan had a RIOT with Kardin!!!!  It was so fun watching them playing.  We had gotten Kardin a make up set with actual kid make up, and Evan was right in there wanting to "pretty up".  After some explaining that make up is for GIRLS, we let him have his fun with his pal! 

It's just crazy watching Evan growing up so fast before our eyes.  It's so true...in a blink of an eye...

I also got to have some precious cuddle time with little Boston.  Brett and I giggled though because we thought of Evan at 7 weeks...barely 3lbs and still 5 weeks earlier than my due date.  It was crazy to hold a term baby!  It took a while for Evan to be that weight for sure!!

But it was nice to feel that sweet baby boy in my arms.  To allow myself to dream a little bit :)

I am just so happy when I think of this precious family!  I'm already looking forward to our next visit!

Evan did great with the drive out and back home.  But of course his schedule was out the window so it took a while to get back on course.  Fortunately the major stuff with the basement was pretty much complete, so we have been able to hang out at home again.  Which is nice!  And sooooo nice to have the basement to play in!!

So, latest updates.  Hmmmmm.  Things have been oddly "normal" in our lives.  Evan hasn't had any appointments lately...and that has been a nice feeling!!!  A couple coming up, but just standard check ups. 

He is doing amazing!  And we are very fortunate for that!!

He has been having some rough nights again...therefore...so have I!  But I will take those rough nights ANY DAY and not complain or wish them away...because the alternative of what COULD have happened, and the years we spent in pain dreaming of children...those nights were far worse wishing we were up with our child/ren.

I get tired of the moments where I catch myself "complaining" about how tired I am or how I wish Evan would sleep through the night or whatever might be the case.  I realize that yes, I'm a human and I get tired and down...but like I say...we dreamed of a child/ren for so many years, and shed so many tears since.  I now cherish my exhaustion.  I welcome it in a strange way.  Those moments where I hear my son calling for "mommy"...that's me!  He is calling for ME.  And I wouldn't want it any other way.

We went through so much to get to this point that I don't feel like I "deserve" to complain or get frustrated. 

Now...DON'T get me wrong...I DO complain and get frustrated...but when I hear myself doing that...it makes me sad.  Yes, the human emotions when exhausted are easy to be frustrated...but I would give away all my sleep to have all our children here and calling for me. 

It is for a time.  It is for a season.  And I DO NOT want to wish those times and seasons away.  I DO NOT want to rush my son to grow up just so I can catch some shut eye.

I want to savour every moment.  I want to feel everything I always dreamt of feeling, and everything I always heard others "complaining" about and wishing they understood how lucky they were to GET to be tired for this reason.

I am here in this place I wished and prayed for.  Yes, with many pains and brokeness along the way...but I am here...and I am thankful.

Anyhow, regarding seasons...

Yesterday morning I made a huge step and converted Evan's crib in to a TODDLER BED!!!!!!!!  I thought why not.  It was getting hard to get him in over the rail with the matress so low, and he IS growing up so quickly.  I figured why not do some trial and error!  So far...no error!!!!!  He had his nap yesterday in his "big boy bed" and did great, and then last night slept in his bed (although some interuptions through the night) and stayed in it and didn't fall out!  And is now napping again in there.

I've always had his bedroom door closed through the night so the dogs wouldn't disturb him or any noises, but in the toddler bed I thought maybe I should leave it open a bit so IF he did climb out there would be a tiny bit of light from the hall thermostat.  I was worried about him wandering around, so I put up a baby gate in his door way and left the door open just a crack when we all turned in.

My concern after putting him down was ME!!!  Having to climb over it without banging my foot, or the thought of forgetting about it and crashing right in to it in the night if he awoke. 

And since last night was the first NIGHT I have learned that even though he wakes up, he just sits in his bed and cries for me without coming out.  That might change the more he becomes aware that he CAN get out.  But for now I think I will just keep the gate down and the door closed.

I've "proofed" his room as best as I can and have hidden all the cords from any electrical outlet.  And I still use a monitor and I hear any little noise in my sleep, so I think we'll try it this way tonight.

Trial and error!

Walking in his room and seeing his toddler bed...that was a tough pill to swallow!  My teeny is a TODDLER!  My baby who lived in an isolette for so long is now in a TODDLER BED!!!  WOWWWWWW!!!!!!

Other than that, the weather is taking a turn.  I'm watching outside my back window and watching the tree line of the cemetery fade away behind the blowing snow.  Yuck!

Apparently we are supposed to get a rather large dumping of snow tonight, tomorrow and the next day as well I believe. 

And it is cccccccold!  With the windchill it is supposed to feel like -33 degrees!  YUCK!!

Time to sit in front of the fireplace and enjoy that warmth!!  I love my fireplace!

Well, I suppose I should get going.  Evan is at the tail end of his nap...however with the nights he has been having maybe he'll surprise me and sleep a bit longer to make up some lost z's! 

I should go and get a few things done and try to figure out what to make for supper.

My dream...a personal chef!!!!  What a treat that would be!!  I enjoy cooking, but some pampering is always nice!  A girl can dream, right?!  hee hee hee.

HAPPY 2011 TO YOU ALL!!!

My blog will certainly continue...

I hope to get to know some of my readers a little more!

Blessings to you all!